Season 3 – Episode 7 – Act II

            Cerise sat on the couch in the den, still in her party outfit, which admittedly wasn’t much of an outfit for a party.  She was basically dressed the way she always dressed, which was about as far away from sexy as anyone could get.  Maybe that’s why Jay broke up with her.  Guys wanted girls like Karine: hot, sexy girls.  Not girls like Cerise: boring and ugly.

            She walked up to her room and got into her pajamas.  Now was as good a time as any to finally watch Angel on Netflix. 

            This was by all accounts a successful party.  Everyone seemed to be having a good time.  Tom had brought his acoustic guitar and he and the Parisses Squares guys were singing, providing entertainment for everyone in the living room.  In the den people were playing video games.  Outside people were smoking up.  Upstairs Janice was getting busy with random guy #4 billion.  And yet Karine couldn’t stop thinking about Cerise and her apparent break-up with Jay.  If she’d broken up with him did it mean she was considering getting back together with Terry?  Such a thing had to be prevented at all costs.  And the only way to figure out what was going on was to get it directly from the horse’s mouth.  She considered going over to Jay, who sat morosely in a corner of the living room but Jay could barely be counted on to remember his name, let alone give an accurate account of what had transpired between him and Cerise.

            “I’m gonna go see Cerise,” Karine announced to Nick and Terry.  “She’s probably at home all alone being all sad and shit.”

            “Yeah, she shouldn’t be alone on New Year’s Eve,” agreed Nick.

            “I’ll bring her a wine cooler.  Maybe she’ll wanna get drunk.”

            “She doesn’t drink,” said Terry neutrally.

            “Maybe she’ll wanna start.”

            “She never turned to drinking any of the times she and I broke up,” he said with a touch of bitterness.

            “Ok, no wine cooler.  Can I borrow your car?”

            Terry nodded and handed over his keys. 

            “Make sure no one trashes my house, especially not that disgusting Porta-potty girl.”

           

            “I just think you should come to one meeting,” said Leanne, still trying to convince Shauna that she was gay and in love with Cerise and like totally doomed to go to hell and shit.  “No one has to know about it, Shauna.  It’s called the Queer Collective and it’s like, a totally supportive environment.  Everyone is super nice.  And you don’t even have to say your name.  I mean, it’s totally anonymous and no one even knows about it who isn’t like actively in it.  Like seriously, you might be surprised to know there’s people at this party who go, who like, you wouldn’t ever guess it.”

            “But, my parents…” Shauna protested.

            “There’s no way your parents would find out.  I mean it’s like a sanctioned school club but it doesn’t go on like, your records or anything.  They’d only know if you told them.  And you know, sometimes parents can surprise you.  Maybe they wouldn’t even react that badly.”

            Shauna shook her head and fought back tears.  If her parents knew they would definitely kill her.

            “Hey, hey, it’s ok,” said Leanne reassuringly.  “No one has to know.  I just think it would be really good to come to just one meeting.  Just one.  You don’t even have to say anything.  Just sit there and listen.”

            “Why, though, why?” asked Terry in wonder.  “Why would he break up with her?  It doesn’t even make sense.”

            Nick followed him into the kitchen and they raided the fridge for beer and the cupboard for chips.  “Maybe she broke up with him ‘cause she’s still into you.”

            “You think?” asked Terry, trying not to sound hopeful.

            “Maybe.  Or maybe he wasn’t into her that way.”

            “How could he not be?”

            “Well, it may shock you to hear this, Terry but not every guy in the world goes crazy over Cerise.”

            Terry frowned in annoyance.  “I know that!”

            “I’m just saying.”

            “What, you don’t think she’s cute?”

            “She’s plenty cute, but whatever.  She’s not the fucking end all.”

            “You’re the one always telling me I should get back with her!”  He guzzled his beer and stuffed a handful of chips in his mouth.

            “Yeah, because you love her!  But I don’t!  And neither do most of the people in the world!”

            “Tons of people like her!”

            Nick chuckled.  “I’m not saying you’re weird for liking her, Terry.  I’m just saying that not everyone agrees with you.  Yeah, lots of guys like her.  Like that Tom guy she went out with, or um, I dunno, her stalker.  But most guys just think, hey, she’s cute.  And hey, there’s another cute girl, and there’s another one.  And maybe Jay is just one of those people.  ‘Cause it always seemed to me he was more into her as just a friend.”

            “But doesn’t he realize how great he could have it?  If she would look at me the way she looks at him…” he trailed off.

            “Terry!  Fucking hell!  You are so retarded!  She does look at you that way!  She loves you!  She only got with him out of fucking rebound.”

            “You say all this shit like it’s fact but what the hell do you know?”

            “I guess I don’t know.  But fuck, sometimes you just have your head so far up your ass.”

            “Whatever,” shrugged Terry.

            “Like you’re so fucking smart,” said Nick with uncharacteristic anger.  “It’s not like you have everything figured out.  There’s a lot of shit you don’t know.”

            “What the hell does that mean?” 

            “Nothing.  I guess I’m just bored of always talking about the same shit.”

            “You mean you’re bored of talking about me and Cerise.  Well fuck, Nick, maybe we could talk about you sometimes if you had anything to fucking say!  But you never tell me shit about yourself.  You have a fucking play by play of every waking moment of my life but you never offer anything about yourself and whenever I ask questions you just ignore them.”

            “Gimme a break.”

            The kitchen was nearly empty but there were a couple girls standing near the sink and they got quiet as they listened to the argument.  Terry was embarrassed but not enough to stop arguing.  “It’s true!  You never talk about your family except to say your dad’s a dick.  Well, welcome to the fucking club.  You’ll let me know when any more detail develops in that storyline.  And you never talk about any chicks.  Have you ever even had a girlfriend since that one chick in high school?  Fucked if I know, you’ve sure as hell never mentioned anything.  You act like you’re fucking afraid of women; you’re like one of the guys in the virgin club.  You know there’s an opening now, should I hook you up?”

            “Ok, you wanna know about my life?” growled Nick.  “Yes, I’ve had a fucking girlfriend.  That one chick in high school.  Chloe.  And I really liked her a lot but not like, not as a girlfriend, as a friend.  And I had sex with her and never liked it.  So I had to break up with her.  And I did.  And it really fucking hurt her when I did it.  But I had to do it ‘cause I couldn’t keep lying her to.  And it was a lie because, well fuck, Terry, because I’m gay.  Ok!?  I’m fucking gay.  So there!”

            Everyone was out so when the doorbell rang Cerise knew she had to get it but she chose to ignore it because who would come over at 11 at night on New Year’s Eve?  Her phone buzzed and a text from Karine revealed that she was outside freezing her ass off.  Cerise got up off the couch and went to the front door.

            “You ok?” asked Karine.

            “Shouldn’t you be at your party?” asked Cerise, stepping aside so Karine could come inside.

            “Yeah and you should be there too!”

            “Sorry.  Guess I don’t feel like it.”

            “Yeah, I heard what happened.”

            “I guess everyone knows, eh?” Cerise sighed, going back to the den and collapsing on the couch.

            “Are you… kidding?” asked Terry.  It wouldn’t be completely unheard of for a guy to say something outrageous just to get a rise out of another guy.  But Nick seemed sincere.  Had he seriously just said he was gay?  The girls standing by the sink were listening with rapt attention, while simultaneously tring to be as inconspicuous as possible.

            Nick sighed heavily.  “I’ve always known I was gay but being with Chloe just made it like, undeniable I guess.  And now we’re not friends anymore.  And that really sucks.  And my dad’s a dick because I know he wouldn’t be able to handle it.  And actually, my mom’s even worse.  She’s insanely religious.  Catholic.  I mean she observes Lent for fuck’s sake.  Ever wonder where I am on Sundays?  Fucking church, dude!  Fucking church!”

            Terry blinked.  “You go to church?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Ok, so you’re kidding, right?  I mean, now’s the part where you go psyche!  And you make fun of me for falling for it, right?”

            “No, Terry.  Now’s the part where you freak out and go, no way my hockey buddy’s a fag and you pound my face in.”

            “Gimme a break, Nick.  You think I’m homophobic?”

            “You saying you’re not?”

            “Why would you think I am?”

            “Well you don’t seem to be taking it very well.”

            “I’m just surprised is all.  I didn’t see it coming.  But I mean, I’m not like a fucking gay-basher and shit.”  He was offended that Nick would think he’d care and tried hard not to show that he kind of did care.

            “You make gay jokes in the locker room,” Nick scoffed.

            “I make 9/11 jokes too but that didn’t stop me from dating an American one time at summer camp.”

            “You went to summer camp?”

            “I was thirteen.  Actually, I lost my virginity there.”

            “You lost your virginity to an American?”

            “No, a different chick.”

            “See?  I never knew that.  There’s shit about your life I don’t know.”

            “And apparently a whole fuck-load of shit about you I don’t know!”

            “Yeah well,” Nick shrugged and they both chuckled. 

            “How come you didn’t tell me sooner?”

            “I didn’t wanna like, you know, have you freak out and shit.  I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship,” he said shyly, picking at the lable on his beer bottle.

            “Yeah but would you really wanna be friends with someone who would give a shit about you being gay?”

            “Well it’s not that simple.”

            “I guess,” nodded Terry, not wanting to admit he completely understood.  He was determined to be supportive, determined not to care that Nick was gay but still, he almost felt as though he’d just lost something.  Could they still talk about girls?  No wonder Nick had never wanted to get laid at clubs. Terry had lost his wingman and it only occurred to him now how much he’d valued having one. 

            “He didn’t even tell me why!” Cerise ranted.  “He just came in and started crying and he’s like, I can’t go out with you anymore and then he runs off and I’m just like sitting here.  I didn’t even have time to process it.  I didn’t even get to say anything!  He just ran off!”

            “Are you fucking serious?” asked Karine, stunned that even Jay could be that lame.  “What a flaming sack of putrefied shit!”

            Cerise shrugged.  “I don’t know, maybe he had a good reason.”

            “And maybe he’s a complete fucking loser!  I mean what a fuckign coward!  He’s a piece of shit asshole!  Forget about him!”

            “I can’t, I love him!”

            Karine stopped and stared at Cerise.  “Seriously?’

            “Well, maybe not,” she shrugged.  “But it hurts.  I still want him.  Even though he just shit all over me I still want him.”

            “What about Terry.”

            “I love him too.  And both of them hate me.”

            “Do you think I should tell the guys?” asked Nick as he puffed on a cigarette.

            They’d gone outside to get away from the eavesdropping kitchen girls and were rewarding Nick’s revelation with cigarettes even though they both agreed their New Year’s resolution would be to quit.

            “What, Vani and them?  Yeah, who gives a shit?”

            “No, moron, the guys on the team.  Townsend and Robson and shit.”

            “Oh.”  Terry paused.  “Well I wouldn’t.”

            “So you agree they’re all probably a bunch of queer-bashers?”

            “Yeah, it’s a possibility.  I mean, some of them could be cool.  But I dunno.  A lot of them are way dumb.  Like even before all the concussions.  So don’t take the chance.  I mean we’ve only got one more season on that team anyway.”

            “Yeah, that’s what I figured.”

            “Tell everyone else though fuck.  I mean, the people here.  They won’t care.  Hell, Vani will freak.  He’ll think you’re trying to steal me away from him.”

            “Yeah, what’s up with that kid?  You sure he’s not gay?”

            “Nah, he’s just scared of girls.”

            “But like, I can’t just tell some people and not all.  Word spreads.”

            “Yeah, I hear ya,” nodded Terry.  Poor Nick. 

            Suddenly the voices inside got louder and yelled out an excited refrain of “Happy New Year.”

            “Fuck, we missed it,” said Nick, looking at his phone to confirm the time.

            “Yeah,” shrugged Terry.

            “Oh well, happy New Year I guess.”

            “You don’t expect me to kiss you now, do you?” Terry snickered.

            “Go fuck yourself, Trebichavsky!”

            “I expect you’d wanna watch.”

            Nick narrowed his eyes and then they both burst into laughter.

            “Well, happy New Year,” Leanne said to Shauna.

            Practically everyone in the room was kissing someone and if they weren’t kissing they were at least hugging and laughing. Cerise’s friend with the afro was passed out on a couch and his friends were drawing dicks on his face but other than that everyone was happy.  A lot happier than Shauna anyway.  She’d never be happy.  Everything in her life would always suck.

            “Want me to kiss you?” asked Leanne with a smirk.

            “Shut up,” grumbled Shauna.

            “Just checking.”

            “It’s 2013,” said Karine, looking at her phone.

            “Great,” replied Cerise.

            “Happy New Year!” Karine tried to sound exuberant.

            “I hate everything.”

Season 3 – Episode 7 – Act I

            “Can you at least fake a little enthusiasm?” Karine asked Terry and Nick as they helped her move furniture.  “When’s the last time I had a party?”

            “You have parties all the time,” said Terry.

            “Correction.  I used to have parties all the time.  Now I never have them.  Tonight corrects this problem.”

            “I think it’ll be fun,” smiled Nick.  “I mean you can’t not go to a party on New Year’s Eve.”

            “See?  Nick has the right attitude,” smiled Karine. 

            She actually wasn’t in that much of a partying mood, which is exactly why she was trying so hard to get Terry in the mood.  She wanted to be the girl she used to be: the party girl, the girl who didn’t have a care in the world.  Now she was just a loser with no boyfriend and no prospects who never had any fun. 

            “I just don’t feel like going to a party where I’m gonna be subjected to Cerise and Jay being all… coupley,” grumbled Terry.

            “If you want me to tell them not to come I’ll totally do it,” said Karine.

            “No, I don’t wanna be that guy,” he sighed.  “I know I have to fucking get over myself.  Besides, if they don’t come, who will?  Fucking Janice and Brady?”

            “Well actually, I broke up with Brady.”

            “How come?” asked Nick with genuine concern.

            “I dunno, whatever,” she sighed.  “He was a jerk.”

            The guys nodded and kept moving furniture but then she burst out with it.  “He fucking tried to do anal with me without even like asking!  He tried to just like, shove it in!  I mean what the fuck?!”

            They both stopped and stared at her, wide eyed.  “Want me to beat him up?” offered Terry without a hint of irony.

            “Of course not.”  She rolled her eyes. 

            “So is it like, I mean, are you ok?”

            “Yeah, of course.  I just told him to leave, it was fine.”

            “Well good riddance!” Terry announced.

            “You didn’t like him?” she asked.

            “Oh hell, I don’t like anyone anymore.”

            “Well, since we’re on the topic of people we don’t really like… um,” Nick trailed off.  “Would it be ok if Cerise’s stalker came to the party tonight?”

            Both Terry and Karine said “what” at the same time.

            “Well ‘cause I’m friends with that chick who’s friends with her.  And she’s all intent on bringing her… I can just say that neither of them should come.”

            “Well I don’t give a shit.  She’s not my stalker,” shrugged Karine.

            “Hell, I guess I shouldn’t care anymore either right?” said Terry.  “I mean, Cerise’s own mother hired Porta-potty chick to work in her store.  Why should I interfere?”

“Might even be funny to see if another fight develops.  Nothing like that ever happens anymore.  Remember back in high school that kind of high drama shit happened all the time,” said Karine.

“I don’t remember you being so up on the high drama back then.”

“Well not if it was directed at me.”

“But as long as someone else is being humiliated…”

“Then it’s all good!”

“You guys are such assholes,” laughed Nick.

Cerise was trying to decide what to wear for Karine’s party when Julie hollered that Jay was here to see her.  He was way early but whatever.  She chose an outfit hastily and got dressed as quickly as she could, then went down to the den to meet him.

“I thought we were going at like 8,” she said as she sat next to him on the couch.

He immediately stood up and began pacing the room.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, afraid of what the answer might be.

“I just… I…” he stammered.

She was getting impatient but also increasingly worried.  Maybe she didn’t even want to know what was wrong.  “Just tell me, Jay.  What’s up?”

“Um, it’s, things are really complicated.”

“What things?”

He started crying.  Cerise was stunned and didn’t know how to react.  She didn’t even know what was wrong.  Had someone passed away?  She went up to him and led him to the couch, sitting him down and rubbing his back. 

“Jay, talk to me.  What happened?”

“It’s just things are really hard right now,” he sputtered.

“Ok…”

“It’s just… I can’t really go out with you anymore.”  He kept crying, blubbering loudly, and wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Well, that wasn’t what she’d expected.  When he first got up and looked so worried, a part of her considered that this might be coming but then when he started to cry she figured something had happened to him or his family. 

“It’s just… it’s not anything against you.  I really like you.  You know that… I mean, our friendship is super important to me.”  The sobs were completely uncontrollable.  He buried his head in her shoulder as he kept wailing.  “I care about you so much, Cerise!  It’s just, I can’t be with you.  I mean, I can’t go out with you.  I hope you’ll still be my friend.  I hope you don’t hate me.  I’m so sorry.”

Her hand was still on his back and she patted it to comfort him.  It was ridiculous.  He was breaking up with her and she was comforting him?!  Shouldn’t she be the one crying?!  What the hell was going on?  He repeated an apology and rushed out of the house.  Cerise remained on the couch, her hand hovering in the air where it had been rubbing Jay’s back.

What the fucking fuck?!

“I’ve been here before,” said Shauna as she looked up at the house in Beaconsfield.

“Oh yeah?  When?” asked Leanne as she struggled to park her car, or her mother’s car or whatever.  There was still tons of snow all over the place after that crazy snowstorm and the streets were narrowed because of it.  Cerise loved snow.

“Grade 11.  A party.  Are we allowed to park here?”

“Everyone else is parked on the street.  And it's a holiday so they won't snowplow tonight or tomorrow.  I think we're good.  So tell me about this party.”

They stepped outside and walked towards the house.

“It became known as the porta-potty party.”

“Bet there’s a funny story behind that,” laughed Leanne.

“Yeah, and I was the butt of the joke.”

“Oh.  We don’t have to go in.”

“They’re gonna be here,” sighed Shauna.

“Who?”

“Cerise and her friends.”

“Well, they were at the Halloween party and that was ok.  Wasn’t it?”

“So you think it’s fun for me to go to parties I know she’s gonna be at, so I can like, sit there and be ignored by her?”

“We can leave, Shauna.  It’s no big.”

“I didn’t say I wanna leave.”

“It’s better to be ignored by her than not be around her at all, eh?” Leanne smirked.

Shauna simply scoffed and walked into the house.  She looked around and couldn’t see Cerise but her big hockey boyfriend guy was hanging out with Leanne’s hockey guy friend, plus that pretty girl, Karine Cavalière and some other hipster chick.  Cerise’s band dudes were there and her nerdy friends were hanging out with that Asian girl and the short girl and some others Shauna didn’t recognize.  But Cerise was nowhere to be seen.

“I don’t think she’s here,” said Leanne.

“I don’t care,” shrugged Shauna.

“Yeah, that’s why you practically dislocated your neck looking around for her.”

“She bitched me out.”

“Huh?”

“Last time I was here.  That party.  I came and… she bitched me out.  For no reason.  Said I shouldn’t be here.”

“Well that was like two years ago, right?  When’s the last time she bitched you out?”

“Dunno.  High school I guess.  After the ski trip.”

“There’s so much about your life you haven’t told me.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” shrugged Shauna, looking at her feet.  They’d taken off their boots at the front door and now she was standing around in socks with holes in the big toes.  She felt like an idiot.

“There’s obviously tons to tell!  I can’t help you if you never let me in.”

Shauna curled her toes and tried to pull them back into her socks and finally stepped on her own feet to rearrange the socks.  Nothing worked.

“Ok, let’s get a drink,” Leanne sighed.

“So where are Cerise and Jay?” wondered Cassie.

Sarah had just been wondering the same thing and she joked that they were busy getting busy but she knew that wasn’t likely.  Jay and Cerise were like the least affectionate couple ever.  Come to think of it, Jay had never been overly affectionate with Sarah either.  She wondered what was wrong with him.  Maybe he was secretely gay.  No, that wasn’t it.  He was too unhygienic to be gay, besides which she’d found his porn collection on his computer once when he’d fallen asleep during a movie.  He seemed to really enjoy bukaki, which was gross, but she’d given him a pass because all teenaged boys were gross.

Karl and Willy and Vani all exchanged looks of scepticism, or perhaps indigestion.  Sarah asked them what was up and Willy replied that Jay had better be deciding his fate.  Karl nudged him for that, telling him to shut his pie-hole and Vani said something about the war against the machines.  Finally Jay appeared, looking as morose as ever.

“Hey Jay, where’s Cerise?” asked Cassie.

“I dunno,” he shrugged.

“Well weren’t you guys gonna come together?” asked Sarah.

“We broke up.”

They all stopped and stared. 

“Oh my god, seriously?” asked Karl, shaking his head in disbelief.  He seemed extremely disappointed, which was weird.  Since when did he care so much about Jay’s love life? 

Usually the guys celebrated the misery of one of their own and sure enough, Willy appeared even more smug than usual, chuckling to himself as Vani bugged out his eyes and let his jaw drop dramatically. 

“You’ve only been together like a month,” said Cassie.  “Why’d you break up?  What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” said Jay, walking away as if in a trance.  A moment later he reappeared with a beer but walked past them as he made his way to a couch.

“So what do you guys think happened?” asked Cassie.

“Whatever happened you can be assured that it was all Jay’s fault and that he’s a complete fucking retard,” said Karl.

“I hate it when you use that word,” sighed Sarah.

“Except I’m being literal. He is mentally delayed.  He lacks the comprehension of a pre-term gnat.  The sheer volume of crack that guy is smoking defies logic.  He should be dead by all accounts, due to asphyxiation from moronic emissions.”

“Word,” agreed Vani.

“Shut the fuck up.  Your fucking obsession with Cerise is gross.”

Sarah turned to see who had said this and saw that Cerise’s bandmates were standing nearby.  She inched closer to them to eavesdrop.

“I’m not fucking obsessed with her,” hissed Jeff, the hipster dude with the Bieber bangs.  “I just wonder where she is.  All her friends are here, including her latest useless boyfriend.  And he’s looking all out of it.  I just wonder why she’s not here.”

“Yeah, we know why you wonder,” said the drummer knowingly.

“Seriously, it’s called subtely, look into it.  I’m surprised she hasn’t taken out a restraining order,” snickered the guitarist, or bassist or whatever.  The one who wasn’t Tom.

“You know, I could reiterate the part about you being an ass for going after my ex,” grumbled Tom.

“And I could reiterate the part about me not giving a shit,” said Jeff.

“We could kick you out of the band.”

“Gimme a break. You’d kick me out ‘cause of a girl?”

“’Cause of you going after that specific girl,” Tom said bitterly.

“Whatever, Tom.  Get a life.  Instead of worrying about my non-love life why don’t you go find yourself a new girlfriend and stop dwelling on Cherry bomb?”

“Yeah, ‘cause you wouldn’t know anything about dwelling on Cerise.”

“When I do it it’s cool.  ‘Cause I do it while wearing sunglasses.  At night.”  Jeff put on some shades and the other guys laughed.

Sarah supposed it was an inside joke ‘cause they all started singing Sunglasses at Night in high-pitched voices.  She giggled and distanced herself, not wanting them to know she’d been listening.  Sarah couldn’t help wondering what all the fuss was surrounding Cerise.  She was nice and pretty and smart and funny but she wasn’t the second coming.  How come so many people were obsessed with her?  It wasn’t fair.  Why couldn’t Sarah attract that kind of interest?  She was nice and pretty and smart and funny too. 

Just as she was wondering if the key to success was nothing more than blonde hair and blue eyes, Karine, Terry and Nick approached and asked about Cerise as well.

“Oh my god you guys,” she paused for dramatic effect.  “She and Jay broke up.”

“What?” Karine hollered.

Terry remained completely stone-faced as Nick’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

“I know, right?” nodded Sarah.  “It’s totally crazy.”

“What happened?” asked Karine.

“Dunno.  Jay won’t talk about it.  Should I text Cerise?  She probably doesn’t wanna talk about it either.”

“But they were so well suited!” insisted Karine.  “They belong together!”

“Wow, you’re taking this really personally,” noted Sarah.  “I guess all that stuff about wanting to break Jay up with me and Cassie so he could get with Cerise was true, eh?  I gotta admit I sort of thought that was bullshit but you seem really upset by this.”

“Yeah, weirdly upset,” nodded Nick.

“Well people should have what they want,” said Karine. “And Cerise always wanted Jay.  So it sucks they’re not together anymore.  I mean are we sure they’re officially broken up?  Maybe it’s just a fight.  You know how Cerise is, she fights with guys and breaks up with them but then like makes up two seconds later.”

“She’s only like that with Terry,” said Sarah, looking up at him.  He seemed non-plussed.

“What if he broke up with her?” asked Nick.

Finally Terry spoke.  “Yeah right.  Why would he break up with the hottest, cutest, nicest, smartest chick to ever give him the time of day?”

“Hey, I’ve given him the time of day too!” said Sarah with some resentment.

“You know what I mean,” he said apologetically.  “Besides, the only reason you guys broke up is ‘cause the guys made it happen.  I doubt Jay can even tie his shoes without someone else walking him through it.”

“I gotta admit I’m surprised,” said Willy.  “I mean, I actually thought he’d refuse to choose and then we’d get to expulse him.”

Vani and Karl agreed that they didn’t see this coming, though really, Jay could always be counted on to make the stupidest decision possible.  Willy had rightful dibs on Cerise but for Jay to acknowledge the rightness of it was strange.  Then again, he’d been able to convince Jay to break up with Sarah as well.  Perhaps he was more powerful than he knew.  Maybe Willy was really the center of this group.  Karl was the GM and Vani was the star of the game but Willy was the one who made things happen in real life.  Awesome.

“This is kinda stupid,” said Karl. “I mean, Cerise is never gonna go out with you, Willy.”

“So?  Jay shouldn’t get to go out with her either.”

“So petty.”  Karl shook his head.  “I mean, whatever I guess but we should at least acknowledge that we are pretty much directly responsible for the ruining of a relationship.”

“We nothing,” said Willy. “I’m directly responsible.”

“So you admit it’s your fault?” asked Vani.

Willy smiled with self-satisfaction.

“He’s drunk with power,” said Vani in awe.

“Indeed, he is,” agreed Karl. “Could this be a case of negative reinforcement?  Years of telling Willy he’s a piece of shit has actually made him evil?”

“Just like with prison,” nodded Vani. “The innocent go to jail and have to become guilty so they can survive.”

“It’s us, this group.  The four of us.  We’re diseased.  We leave a wake of destruction everywhere we go,” said Karl.

“Truly nothing good can come of us maintaining our relationship,” agreed Vani.

“Cool,” grinned Willy. 

They all looked at each other and then high-fived.

Shauna looked around as she drank her beer and then caught Leanne smiling at her.  “What?”

“Have you ever considered that you might be in love with her?”

“No.”  Shauna glowered.

“But you’re like, totally obsessed.  And time and distance doesn’t seem to affect your obsession.  You’re either completely psychotic or you’re in love.  Which option is really more objectionable to you?”

It was definitely something to think about.

Season 3 – Episode 7 – Prologue

            “So?” asked Willy as soon as he set foot in Jay’s basement.

            “So what?”

            “Have you made your decision?”

            God dammit!  Jay thought for sure the guys would have forgotten about their stupid ultimatum to force Jay to pick between Karine and Cerise.  But apparently it was all Willy had been thinking about during x-mas break. 

            “This is such bullshit,” grumbled Jay.

            “If you don’t decide we’ll make the decision for you and then expulse you anyway,” smiled Willy.

            “You’re such a piece of shit, Willy,” spat Jay.  You’re just jealous, that’s why you’re being such an ass!”

            “Yeah, I’m jealous.  You still have to choose.”

            “Jay, this is not a difficult decision,” counselled Karl.  “There is no conundrum here.  You already have Cerise and getting Karine is highly unlikely.  Don’t be an idiot.”

            “Seriously, Jay,” nodded Vani.  “I don’t see why this is becoming such a huge issue that it’s preventing me from gaming.  You know we have the Pendragi campaign to finish, right?  Why are you agonizing over this?”

            “’’Cause it’s fucking bullshit!”

            “Just make your choice!” yelled Willy.

            “No!”

            “Fucking choose!”

            As predicted, the situation got physical and eventually Jay was in a headlock with Willy sitting on his face.  He had no choice but to relent.

            “So have you made your choice?”

            “Yes ok?  Yes I’ve fucking made my choice!”

Season 3 – Episode 6 – Act V

            “Not bad.  A little skinny maybe but I can work with that,” said Terry, realizing he was slurring his words a bit.  He didn’t think he was that drunk, but maybe he was.  “What you think?”

            “I think it’s time we called it a night,” replied Nick with a wry smile.

            “But we haven’t got laid yet!”

            “Well why don’t we just go home and lay each other?  That’ll take care of all our problems.”

            “What?”

            “Nevermind, let’s go.”

            They left the bar and walked outside.  Nick told Terry to put on his jacket even though he said he wasn’t cold.  But Nick was all like, you’re drunk and stuff and so you don’t know you’re cold and you’re gotta get hypothermia and shit.  So Terry put on his jacket and he was all hot and stuff but whatever it was totally snowing and it was so pretty.  Cerise loved snow.  “Cerise loves snow.”

            “Yeah?” 

            They got to Terry’s car and Nick took Terry’s keys out of his hand. 

            “She loves to play in the snow.  She’s like a little kid… all playing in the snow… we played in the snow before.  We’d do that… we’d go to parks and stuff.”

            “Sounds fun,” said Nick, pushing Terry into the passenger seat, and pulling on the seatbelt. 

            “I can do my own fucking buckle, dude!”  Terry pushed Nick away and closed the door. 

            Nick got in the car and put on his seatbelt and checked the mirrors and stuff.  He was so responsible and shit.  He wasn’t even drunk.  Had he even had anything to drink at all?  What the fuck?

            “She’s prolly all playing in the snow with fuckhead.  Fucking fuckhead.  Do you think it’d be bad if I beat him up?”

            “Yeah, I think it’d be bad,” said Nick as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the snowy road all covered in pretty, pretty Cherry snow.

            “One time I beat up Andrew and he was my friend.”

            “Why’d you do that?”

            “’Cause he raped Karine.”

            The car swerved slightly as Nick looked over at Terry.  “Seriously?”

            “Shit!  I wasn’t supposed to say anything!  Don’t tell her I told you!”

            “Ok, I won’t.”

            “Shit.  That was close.  I almost told you a secret.  Shit.  Karine would’ve been so pissed.”  It was still snowing all pretty and stuff.  It was like all coming at the windshield all like little tiny arrows or whatever.  It was cool.

            “Well luckily you stopped yourself in time.”

            “Time for what?  Oh, Karine, yeah.  She doesn’t like people to know.”

            “I can understand that.”

            “Yeah, she doesn’t want people to like, I dunno, judge her or whatever.”  Pretty, pretty, snow, snow, snowy, snowy, snow, snow.

            “Yeah, I totally get that.”

            “So you have to keep it a secret.”

            “Don’t worry,” said Nick.  “I’m real good at keeping secrets.”

            “Come on you guys!  I have to be home like now!” Jay screeched. 

            “What’s your rush?” asked Karine in irritation. 

            “I have to go to Toronto with my family today!  I promised I’d be home by morning!”

            “Well there’s no way you’re gonna make it,” said Karl with a smirk.

            “Well I gotta at least try!”

            “Well I’m not done packing!”

            “Well fuck!”

            Was it fun watching Jay and Karine argue or was it simply annoying?  Did it mean they had a passionate relationship or did it mean they were both whiny babies?  Cerise couldn’t decide but either way their yelling was giving her a headache.  “Why doesn’t Jay go on ahead with whoever is ready and then Karl can wait for Karine and whoever else isn’t ready,” she suggested.

            “Yeah, fine, whatever,” said Karine, sipping coffee and not even pretending to pack. 

            “’Cause I mean, I’m ready,” Cerise went on.

            Vani and Willy agreed they were set to go.

            “So I get stuck with all the girls?” asked Karl, eliciting a glare from Sarah.  “Which is perfect because I love being in close quarters with three chatty women,” he sighed.

            “Gee, I wonder why we ever broke up,” Sarah smirked.  “Not that I’m trying to dredge up the past or anything!”

            Karl glared at her.  “Don’t make me do the panties chant!”

            Willy was being pretty weird on the drive home.  When Jay thanked Cerise for getting them going, Willy made a big point of how he apparently abandoned Karine and chose to leave early with Cerise.  Jay kept telling him to shut up and Willy kept saying it was an “interesting” choice.  Vani simply chanted the panties song all the way home.  It was a pretty painful drive.

           

            Jay got an earful from his parents when he got home so late.  But his sister, Amy thanked him since she was in no rush to get to Toronto either.  Even though all his clothes from the cabane were wet or dirty he didn’t have time to pack anew so he just left his bag in the trunk and sat in the back while his parents bickered up front. 

            Willy was such an ass.  Not only for giving him a ridiculous ultimatum but for being so obvious about it in front of Cerise on the drive home.  She didn’t seem to suspect anything but still.  His plan was to ignore the ultimatum for now and hopefully by the time he got back from Toronto the guys would have forgotten about it. 

            When they got to his uncle’s house, his parents made a big point of blaming Jay for their being so late.  “He just had to spend a few days with his friends up north.  You know how teenagers are these days.”

            “Oh of course,” agreed his aunt.  “It’s all about their friends at this age.  Never family.  They don’t care a lick about family!”

            “We practically had to drag him here!”

            “That’s not even true,” muttered Jay under his breath.

            “Oh I know! Teenagers, they’re so ungrateful!”

“It’s shameful really.  We’re the ones putting a roof over their heads, keeping their bellies full.  You’d think they’d show some gratitude!”

“But nooo!  They just can’t stand to be around us!”

“You wouldn’t believe what Josie wanted to do for Christmas.  She wanted to go on a ski trip with her friends.  On Christmas day!  Christmas day!”

            “Unbelievable!”

            “Yeah, so unbelievable,” cousin Josie smirked.

            Jay and Amy nodded sympathetically and they all walked down to the basement to watch boring holiday movies with their annoying little cousins.  How come Jay was the only one to had to put up with shit like this?  None of his friends had to go to bumfuck nowhere for x-mas break!  They all got to hang out and have fun but he was stuck with a bunch of kids and drunk old people!  It was so unfair!  There was probably no one in the world who had to endure anything worse!

            “I don’t see why you can’t do better.  It’s only Cegep.”  Shauna’s mother sighed.

            Shauna kept her head down and concentrated on her breakfast.   

            “If you’re doing this poorly now, just imagine how you’ll do in University!  It just gets harder from here on in, Shauna.  I don’t think you’ll even be able to get into McGill with grades like these.”

            “You need to put in more effort.”

            Though Shauna was pleased to have passed all her courses through the miracle of cheating, her parents didn’t think her grades were up to par.  “I’m doing better than Malcolm did!”

            Her brother glared at her, eyes brimming with fire.

            “We’re not talking about Malcolm right now.  Although you’re right that he needs to put in more effort as well.  You’re both lazy is all.”

            “Absolutely, unbelievably lazy,” agreed their father.  “But stupid too.  I don’t understand how I ended up with such underachievers.  What’s wrong with you two?” he grumbled, his voice rising.

            “Well, there won’t be anything wrong tonight, isn’t that right kids?” Shauna’s mother changed the subject, her voice high and nervous.  “We’re all going to be on our best behaviour for our guests, won’t we?”

            Shauna and her brother nodded.  The trick was just to take it one task at a time.  First she’d have to finish breakfast and then she’d have to get ready, do her hair, put on a stupid dress.  Then there was the party.  That would take several hours.  But she could get through it.  Maybe.  Probably not.  She should just go ahead and kill herself right now, with like the butter knife or something.  Better yet, she’d wait for the party and do it in front of the Christmas tree.  She’d jump off the railing at the top of the stairs and land right on the tree!  That probably wouldn’t kill her though.  So she’d slit her wrists first and then jump and the blood spray would be fantastic!

            If only she could bring Leanne to the party.  She hadn’t asked permission because she didn’t want her parents to smell the gayness on her friend but still, it would have been cool.  Or better yet, if Cerise could come.  No, not Cerise, that stupid cow!  Shauna didn’t even like Cerise!  She hated her!  She was just a stupid, spoiled princess with a perfect life!  A perfect face and a perfect body and a perfect family!  Fucking bitch!

            Cerise wondered if her mom’s boyfriend, André was a permanent fixture in their lives now.  He was so annoying.  And his daughter, Trista wasn’t much better; in fact, she was worse.  Cerise and her sisters got a bunch of dorky new age stuff for Trista’s Christmas present and when she opened the gift, she seemed non-plussed.  As annoying as she was, she wasn’t stupid and probably realized it was a sarcastic gift. 

She thanked them profusely, a little too profusely and went on and on about how great crystals were.  “I just find that they’re so good for cleansing spaces of negative energies.  ‘Cause for some reason I just always feel so many negative energies lately.”

“Maybe you’re feeling your karma,” suggested Julie, eliciting snickers from Cerise and Simone.

Angela interrupted before Trista could respond, and distributed more gifts.  This was seriously the most awkward Christmas ever.  Cerise supposed it would always be like this now.  There would always be a certain weirdness with her parents’ new significant others, unless they stuck around so long that they all got used to each other, which didn’t seem like a pleasant alternative.  Cerise wondered how Terry dealt with it; having so many different families to contend with. 

“This is your captain speaking, we’re experiencing some turbulence.  Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened.”

Brittany squealed as Terry threw her up in the air and caught her without effort.  She laughed and screamed as he did it again and again, twirling her around until she begged him to stop.  “Again, again!” she insisted as soon as he put her down.

Vicky laughed as well, as she cleaned up all the torn wrapping paper from Christmas morning.  For once Britt was pleased with all her gifts and Vicky seemed pleased too.  Terry had to admit it was a pretty good Christmas so far.  This afternoon Vicky was going to visit her mother and Terry would be relieved of Britt duty for a while.  Then he could go visit his parents if he wanted.  But if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to, he supposed.  Which made this pretty much the best Christmas ever.  Except that he was lonely as fuck.  Which is probably how Karine always felt. 

“Oh hey,” said Karine, letting Brady inside.

She hadn’t been expecting him and she supposed it was meant to be a nice, Christmas surprise but she wished he would have texted first.  As it was she looked like shit, all swaddled up in flannel pajamas, with bedhead and no makeup.  Brady didn’t seem to mind, immediately wrapping her up in an embrace.  She giggled and pushed him away playfully and soon enough they were on the couch in the den, making out. 

He had her clothes off in an instant and was inside her before she even realized what was going on.  She let him continue and thought about Terry.  He flipped her around and she thought he was going to take her from behind like usual but then she felt his penis pressing up against her anus.  Seriously?  Was he seriously trying to do anal without warning, without lube, without any kind of discussion?!

She pulled away and whirled around.  “Are you fucking serious?”

“God, don’t be such a prude,” he smiled.  “It’ll be fun.”

“You can’t just fucking do something like that without even like asking first!”

He sighed heavily.  “Ok, can I fuck your ass?”

“No!”

“Fine, we’ll do it boring style.”

“Fuck off!”  She scrambled to get her pajamas back on. 

“Oh for Christ sake!  I really didn’t think you of all people would be such a fucking baby about this!”

“Are you being fucking serious right now?  You think this is me being a baby?  You think it’s fucking normal to just like try to stick your dick in my ass without even asking?”

“I’ve done it lots of times before and no one’s ever freaked out.”

“If that’s true, then those people were either roofied or so low on self-esteem that they thought you were a valid human being.  Get the fuck out of my house!”

She gathered up Brady’s clothes and shoved them at him, then walked to the front door.  He followed, carrying his things and yelling.  “Gimme a fucking break, Karine.  Are you for real?  Just calm the fuck down!”

“Get out of my house right now, before I call the fucking cops!”  She opened the front door and pushed him outside, naked, throwing his boots in his face and slamming the door shut, locking it tightly.  He yelled and screamed and she watched him through the window as he dressed in the snow.  It would have been funny if it wasn’t so depressing. 

“Fucking prude!” he shouted before walking away. 

She wouldn’t cry.  She wouldn’t let herself.  He wasn’t worth it.  No one was.  

Season 3 – Episode 6 – Act IV

            Terry was a little embarrassed to admit he wasn’t particularly good at video games.  He supposed it was just a matter of practice and since most of his spare time was spent taking care of his sister he didn’t have much left over for playing games but this didn’t make it any less humiliating when Nick completely obliterated him in every single game they played.  Nick was way into Skyrim lately and was trying to get Terry to buy the game so they could play together but Terry knew he’d never fit gaming into his schedule. 

            “Dude, that’s like the four-billionth time you’ve died,” Nick snickered.

            He’d brought over his massive gaming laptop to show Terry the game.  They’d made him a character but after hours of playing he still wasn’t really getting the hang of it.

            “Ehh, fuck you.  Games aren’t my thing.  Too busy getting pussy, you ‘tard.”

            “Yeah right.  You’re just as fucking hard-up as I am these days.”

            “Mommy says it’s not nice to say fuck you.” Brittany announced, suddenly appearing from out of nowhere.  Terry had thought she’d been playing in her room and he wondered how long she’d been eavesdropping.

            “Um, mommy’s right.  It’s a very bad word and you should never say it.”

            “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck yoooouuu!” she squealed.

            Nick tried not to laugh but ended up making this strangled snorting sound, which made Terry completely lose his shit.  Brittany laughed too.  Oh god, he was gonna have to do some major damage control. 

            “Britt, you don’t say that word at daycare do you?”

            “What word?” she asked innocently.

            “Britt, no games.  You know what word.”

            “I don’t say dat.”  She looked at her feet, obviously lying.

            “Britt, you can’t say it.”

            “I only say dat if stupid boy take my toys!”

            “But you know, at daycare they’re not just your toys.  You have to share.”

            “No!” she screeched.  “My toys!”

            “Britt,” Terry sighed.  “Just don’t hit anyone.  And don’t say bad words.”

            “Why?”

            “’Cause then the teachers get mad at you and they also get mad at me ‘cause I taught you the words.  Do you want your teachers to get mad at me?”

            “No.”  She bit her lip and wrung her hands.  “But what if it accident dat I say bad word?”

            “Just try, Britt.  For sure don’t say it if teachers can hear.  And don’t let the other kids tattle on you.”

            “What if dey do?”

            “Then you beat them up.”

            “Jesus, Terry!” Nick exclaimed with a chortle.

            “I’m just kidding,” Terry snickered as Brittany laughed nervously.  “For real, Britt, no fighting, no saying bad words and no taking all the toys for yourself, ok?”

            Brittany shrugged and agreed half-heartedly.

            “Seriously, Terry?” asked Nick.  “You wonder why she hits the other kids?”

            “Ehh, they probably deserve it,” he grinned.

            They all laughed, though at least Nick had the sense to look horrified.

“You can’t mess with a Trebichavsky, right?” Terry tickled Brittany.

“Can’t meff wif a Tebikaki!” she squealed in delight.

This wasn’t an official skating lake so there were no benches.  They sat on rocks as they tied up their skates and then took to the ice with caution.  It certainly seemed cold enough to hold but you never knew.  Grooves in the ice obviously caused by previous skaters helped appease Cerise’s worries as she wobbled out onto the lake.  She wasn’t much of a skater but she still enjoyed it.

“Seriously you guys, are we ok?” asked Karine, gliding out onto the ice like a professional.  Of course she’d be good at this too.

“I guess,” grumbled Cassie.

“Seriously, I can’t believe you guys thought I wanted Jay for myself.  I mean not that he isn’t’ cute and stuff, but I’d never do that.  I mean I’d never let my feelings for a guy get in the way of my feelings for my girlfriends.  You guys are everything to me.”

“Aww!” squealed Sarah, skating over to Karine so they could embrace.

Cassie seemed a little more dubious and Cerise tried hard not to let on that this was total bullshit.  Karine really was a good actress.  Part of Cerise wanted to call her out because she was annoyed that Karine always got away with everything but she preferred being friends with her rather than enemies. 

“And I don’t even have feelings for Jay.  He’s not the type I go for.  And I’m with Brady now anyway.”

“So why’d you kiss him at Halloween?”

“Oh my god, I was so drunk!” Karine giggled.  “I thought he was Brady!  Why do you think I ran away after?  I was embarrassed!

Wow, she was so full of shit.  Cerise just rolled her eyes and skated over to the girls, joining in their silly group hug.

“You’re an airplane!” exclaimed Terry, twirling Britt around in the air and finally dropping her in a snowbank.

She squealed and tried to get up, but struggled in the snow.  It was pretty funny and Terry and Nick both laughed.

“I wonder what everyone else is doing,” mused Nick.

“Nothing interesting.  Just hanging out at Karl’s cabane.”

“Ayeplane!” Britt exclaimed and Terry tossed her around some more.

“Did you wanna go?”

“Yeah right!  With Cerise and hair boy?  Thanks, but I prefer my masochistic moments to be limited to the bedroom.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Nick laughed.

“Whatever.  I had a good time last year but whatever.  It’s just a cabin.  We sit around, hang out, whatever.  It was cool last year though ‘cause it kinda started me and Cerise getting back together… I mean, after the last time we broke up.”

“How many times have you two broken up anyway?”

“I dunno fuck, a lot.  It depends if you count all those false starts in high school.  Three times I guess.”

“Must be something pretty good if you keep going back for more.”

“Not to quote Taylor Swift but…”

“We are never, ever, ever, getting back together!” hollered Nick, and miming the guys like in that video.

Terry laughed and sang along, glad they were with Britt so he could use her as an excuse for acting so gay. 

“Let’s go out tonight,” suggested Nick.  “Like to a pub or something.”

“Yeah!  We’ll get wasted!”

“Wass wassed?” asked Britt, who could always be counted on to catch the most inappropriate words.

“It’s when you waste time,” said Nick, thinking fast.  “Like just hanging out or whatever.  Except it’s super boring.”

“Den why you do dat?”

“’Cause old people are boring,” explained Terry.

She nodded and ran off to play on the jungle gym and Terry and Nick smirked at each other.

Everything was going great.  Karine had totally gotten the girls to make up with her and everyone was sitting around the fire having a totally good time when Cassie suddenly asked all suspiciously why Brady wasn’t with them.  God, what was her deal?  Why couldn’t she just get over her stupid resentment?  She was such a jealous little leprechaun, it was insane.  But she might as well get used to taking second fiddle to girls like Karine, ‘cause Karine was totally hot and Cassie was just cute, like in a Lilliputian kind of way. 

“Honestly?” shrugged Karine.  “This just isn’t his scene.  I mean it takes a strong stomach to handle these freaks.”

“Agreed,” chuckled Cerise.

“Besides, it’s not like a person has to spend every waking moment with their S.O.,” reasoned Karine.

“Sounds like you’re no more impressed with Brady than you were with Mike,” said Cerise.

“I guess not.  Whatever.  A guy’s a guy,” shrugged Karine.

Cassie narrowed her eyes.  What would it take to get her to trust Karine again?  Not that Karine even cared.  Cassie was like the least important person in her life so whatever.

“Do you at least like the sex better with him?” asked Sarah.

Vani perked up visibly at that question and Karine looked at the other guys to see if they were also listening.  They certainly were.  Even if they hadn’t been present she wouldn’t have told the truth, which is that sex was always a bit weird for her now.  She wanted to blame it on Brady but the problem was probably her.  “I guess,” she shrugged.  

“Sounds like a no,” said Sarah.

“Well he’s like any guy I guess,” said Karine with authority.  “You know, he misses the point.  It’s like, ever heard of romance?  I don’t wanna be jumped randomly you know?  Like it’s called the art of seduction, fucking google it if you can’t figure it out yourself.”

“Oh my god, totally!” agreed Sarah.  “Guys just wanna fuck and then that’s it.  But it’s like, hello, I need a little more than that, you know?”

“Totally,” both Cassie and Cerise nodded.

“Valuable information,” said Vani.

“Well it’s not like a secret,” said Sarah.  “I don’t understand why guys can’t remember that.  It’s like not that difficult.  I mean is it?”  She looked at the guys.  “Neither of you could figure it out.”

Karl sat stone-faced but Jay blushed.

“I didn’t think Jay was so bad,” shrugged Cassie.  “Remember the time when my parents were away and we took a bath together?  That was nice.”

Jay blushed even more.

“Well it sounds just nifty,” smirked Karl.

“Don’t make fun, Karl,” counselled Sarah.  “Even though Jay was like totally useless in almost every way he was still more romantic than you.  Which isn’t saying much.  But I’m not trying to dredge up the past or anything.”

“I did all the froo-froo shit you wanted to do,” said Karl defensively.

“Like what?”

“Like I went to museums with you.  I went to the theatre with you.  We went to like photography exhibits and shit.”

“But you enjoy that shit too!  You said so!  You said it was nice to be with someone who enjoyed cultural stuff instead of just fart jokes and shit!”

“So a romantic gesture only counts if the guy does it against his will?  That makes no sense!”

Sarah was about to retort but then she stopped herself.  “You know what, you’re right.”

“Seriously?” asked Vani, do doubt echoing everyone’s thoughts.

“No, yeah, you are right,” Sarah said decisively.  “You were a good boyfriend, Karl.  I mean at least we had stuff in common.  You’re like the only guy I’ve ever gone out with that I could have an intellectual conversation with.”

“We had intellectual conversations!” insisted Jay.

“It doesn’t count when it’s about fictional shows!” said Sarah in exasperation.

Jay was about to protest when Vani interrupted to note that everyone Jay had ever dated was in this room.  “That’s gotta be a little awkward, eh Jay?”

“I guess,” Jay shrugged.

“And the fourth chick in the room is the one you’ve been masturbating to since you were twelve,” snarked Willy.

The boys laughed but Jay turned a bright shade of red.  Cerise also flushed a bit, Cassie looked pissed off, as usual and Karine simply smirked.  It was gross to think of boys masturbating to her but also sort of flattering. 

“It’s just interesting, don’t you think?” Willy went on.  “Here’s your girlfriend and the chick you’ve always wanted.”

“Shut up!” insisted Jay angrily.

“Hey, I’m just saying,” smiled Willy.

“He’s just saying,” said Karl with an equally amused smile.

Vani nodded at them all.  “Panties, panties, panties, panties!”

Everyone picked up a nearby pillow and they all walloped Vani repeatedly.  He just laughed and kept talking about how Jay’s entire sexual history sat before them.

God, could this be any shittier?  Jay tried not to look like he was embarrassed or angry but he seriously wanted to kill Vani and Willy and Karl and then get swallowed up into the ground.  And take them all with him. 

“Well guess what, Vani?” Jay grumbled.  “Your entire sexual history sits before us too.  ‘Cause it’s all encompassed by that right hand.”

“How do you know I use my right hand?  I could use my left.”

“When it comes to jacking off I think it’s best to be ambidextrous,” smiled Willy. 

“You know what I like about you, Vani?” asked Cavity.  “You’re so honest about your lack of experience.  Most guy virgins are all like, I’ve fucked a million chicks when it’s so obvious that they’re like, total cherries.  I mean not cherries but… no offence Cerise.”

Cerise raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Yeah,” agreed Sarah.  “It’s good that you’re so cool about it.  Jay was pretty good too.  It was cute when we did it the first time.  He was scared shitless.  Remember, Jay?”

Seriously?  She wasn’t even smiling or anything.  She was obviously trying to embarrass him.  What a bitch.

“Ugh, TMI,” said Karine with a grin. 

“No, let’s hear more about little virgin Jay,” smiled Willy, all dripping with grossness and evilness. 

“Let’s hear more about how he was scared,” grinned Vani.

“Like you’re not fucking petrified!”

“Hey, make no mistake, I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with myself.”

“See?  Honest,” beamed Cavity.  “But like, much as the cute virgin thing is like, well cute, I just want a guy who knows what he’s doing.”

Jay couldn’t help but snicker as Vani deflated visibly.

“Yeah, that’s the great thing about Terry.  He knows exactly…” Cerise trailed off.  “I mean, nevermind.”

“No!  I wanna know what Terry can do!” said Cavity and her stupid face.

“Maybe this is a conversation for later,” giggled Karine.

“No fair!  I wanna know what Terry does too!” squealed Vani.

Willy grinned.  “Panties, panties, panties, panties!”