Monday, February 28, 2011

Season 1 - Episode 11 - Act V

            Jay walked to school alone.  He'd lingered in front of Cerise’s house for a while but she never appeared.  When he got to school he found her at her locker.  She must have left pretty early.
            “Hey,” he said brightly, peering out from behind her locker door and delivering a goofy grin.
            “Hey,” she replied.
            “So did you have a good time on the ski trip?” he asked tentatively.
            “Yeah actually, I had an excellent time.”
            “Oh cool.  We had fun too.  We skipped and we went to Karl’s cabane and it was hilarious!  Willy got drunk and he passed out in the snow but before that he cried.  I’m serious.  Balled like a baby.  We have photos to prove it.  We put them on facebook, did you see?
            “Yeah, hilarious.”
            “Willy is so pissed!  It was awesome!  I wish we had video of him crying, ‘cause it was mega…”
            “Hey Cerise,” said Sarah, approaching with the other Green Girls.
            “Hey!” Cerise smiled and slammed her locker, going off with the girls.  “See ya, Jay,” she called out as an afterthought.
            What the hell?
            At lunch it was more of the same.  Cerise totally walked by their table and went to sit with the enviro squad. 
            “What the hell?” said Willy, all pissed off.
            “Seriously, why is she totally ignoring us?” asked Jay.
            “She’s clearly a Green Girl now,” said Karl matter-of-factly.
            “Well it happened,” nodded Vani.  “We’ve been rejected.  It was just a matter of time.  I guess it’s as it should be.”
            “The natural order of the universe has been restored,” agreed Karl.
            “This sucks!” whined Willy.
            “Relax you guys,” said Jay.  “She hasn’t rejected us.  She’s just hanging with them because…”
            Karl pushed his glasses up on his nose and smiled.  “Because she’s joined the green team.  There’s no other explanation.  Why else would anyone hang with the Green Girls?  She’s gone, Jay, face it!  She’s gone green!”
            “You should talk,” smirked Vani, noting Karl’s entirely green wardrobe.
            “My affiliation with the colour green has nothing to do with my views on the environment.”
            “What’s it about then?” asked Willy.
            “I don’t know, Willy,” said Karl.  “What’s that pain in your hand about?”
            “What?”
            Karl slammed his fist down onto Willy’s hand and Willy cringed.
            “So I guess my plan backfired,” said Vani.  “Trying to be cool had the reverse effect.”
“Which just proves that it’s impossible for us to ever become cool.  The harder we try the more majorly we fail,” said Karl.
“Our day of debauchery had nothing to do with Cerise rejecting us.  Not that she’s even rejecting us.  I mean she doesn’t even know what we did!  Besides, she’s not rejecting us!” insisted Jay.
“She may not have witnessed the debauchery but perhaps she sensed it with her female psychic powers,” mused Vani.
“She’s not Deanna Troi.  She just saw the facebook pics,” said Willy.  “And she thinks it’s totally lame how you guys were such assholes to me and that’s why she doesn’t wanna be friends with you guys anymore!”
They all stared at Willy like he was retarded, which he was.
They went through the run rather half-heartedly and even though Karl wanted to game once they got to the wall, the rest of them wanted to keep discussing the Cerise situation.
“You know this just proves my theory that women are naturally vindictive,” said Vani.
“And who’s ass did you pull that one out of?” asked Jay.
“Willy’s obviously since there’s so much room,” said Karl.
“My theory is proven!” insisted Vani.
“No, she was just hanging out with us to be nice.  But now she’s met real people and we must return to our roots,” said Karl.  “Roll-off time.”
“We never left our roots,” said Jay.
“Vindictive by nature I tell ya.”
“You’re never gonna get a girlfriend,” said Jay.
Vani nodded.  “One: That’s true.  Two: The relevance escapes me.  Three:  I don’t even care because four: Vindictive by nature!”
Cerise and her gang of Greens came walking down the hall and Cerise said hi to them but then she went into student union with her new posse.  She came out a while later and put up a poster and threatened their lives if they tore it down or defaced it.  Once she was gone, Vani wondered if they should mess with it.  Jay didn’t think so but Karl said they couldn’t exactly not.  They were pretty much obliged to do something.
“Not only should we take it down, we should shit all over it and throw it back in her face,” said Willy.
“Way to keep things in perspective, Willy.”  Jay rolled his eyes.
“Well we should do something,” he sulked.
“Like cry for our mommies?”
Karl considered this.  “We should… not cry for our mommies like Willy the wacktard but we should do something.  Let’s go to the library.”
“Why?  Is Willy’s mommy there?” asked Vani.
“Possibly but we’re going to get some magazines.”

            “Oh my god, you guys are such a cute couple.”
            “I know!”
            “So you guys are like officially going out, right?”
            “Yeah, it’s like official, right?  You’re like officially girlfriend and boyfriend?”
            “I guess so,” said Cerise.  “I don’t know, I mean, how do you know?”
            “Well he’s not macking on other chicks,” said Sarah.  “I think his record for longevity with a girl was Christina Penna.  They were together for over a month.”
            “Well I certainly hope we’ll beat that record,” said Cerise.
            “In a way you already have,” said Sarah.
            “How so?”
            “Well, you guys first went out in October, right?”
            “Yeah, Halloween.”
            “And then you went out again in November.  And now it’s practically March.  I mean, I know you guys weren’t together for most of that time but Terry was interested in you for all of that time.”
            “Oh my god, that’s totally true,” said Steph.
            “It totally is,” agreed Mel.
            “That’s like four months.”
            “But we weren’t even speaking.  For all I know he was macking on tons of other chicks like all through December and January.”
            “He wasn’t!” insisted Sarah.  “I saw him at Karine’s New Year’s party.  He kissed Christina Penna and even went upstairs with her but he came down two seconds later.  Like he obviously totally blew her off.  And then he left with Karine but they’re just friends.”
            “How do we know that?”
            “She came back without him.  She probably just drove him home or something.  Besides, you can always tell if a girl has hooked up with Terry.  Karine hasn’t been there.  And Christina hasn’t been there since the beginning of the year.”
            “Do you think Erica’s been there?” asked Mel.
            “Pfft, she wishes,” scoffed Sarah.
            “Seriously, Terry hates Erica,” confirmed Cerise.
            “Does anyone not hate Erica?” asked Steph.
            They all paused for a moment and then giggled with glee.  Suddenly an envelope was slipped under the door.  Sarah picked it up.  It was addressed to the Green Girls.  They opened it and shredded paper fell out.  There was also a note written out in letters cut from magazines.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE THE REST OF YOUR PRECIOUS
POSTER AGAIN YOU WILL PRINT UP ONE HUNDRED
LEAFLETS DENOUNCING ECOLOGICAL AWARENESS
            “What the hell?”
            “Seriously, what the fuck?”
            “It’s a ransom note for our Earth Day poster,” explained Cerise.  “It’s obviously from the guys.”
            “Who?
            “Karl Weber, Jason Harris, Vani Ameeriar and William Watts,” said Sarah.
            “That is so retarded!”
            “Kinda funny though,” giggled Cerise.
            “God, how do they even come up with this stuff?” smirked Sarah.
            “Well, two can play this game,” smiled Cerise, narrowing her eyes.
            “Oh?” asked Sarah.
            “We’re gonna need duct tape.”

            The next day Vani was minding his own business, heading towards the cafeteria for lunch when Cerise and her Green Squad of crazitude attacked him with no provocation whatsoever.  The Greens each took hold of one of his arms while Cerise placed a piece of duct tape over his mouth.  He mumbled in protest but didn’t struggle much as they dragged him into student union.  After all, this was the most action he’d ever gotten from a girl ever so he might as well go with it.
            Once they started wrapping duct tape around his legs, he tried to push them away but he couldn’t match the strength of four determined girls.  It wasn’t long before he was immobilized by a swaddling of silver tape.
            Besides being short, Vani was also quite skinny and barely weighed more than 100 lbs.  They only required two girls to carry him out to the hallway, which was certainly humiliating but still, two girls were touching him so things could have been worse.  Melanie placed a chair up against the wall and Cerise and Sarah stood him up on it.  Then they got to work sticking him to the wall with hundreds of strips of duct tape.  Now that their plan was clear as day Vani started to panic and squealed from behind the tape over his mouth.  Perhaps fearing he might pass out from a lack of oxygen, they tore the strip off his face. 
            “Ow!” he yelled out in horror.
            “Shut up, loser!” snarled Sarah.
            The girls giggled as they kept taping him to the wall.
            “I command you to release me immediately!”
            The four girls burst into laughter as they carried on with their work.  When they decided he was secure they all held their breath and Steph gently took the chair away.  He remained on the wall, his feet dangling.  He began shaking and tried to kick his legs.
            “Stop struggling!” ordered Cerise.  “Or we’ll put the tape back on your mouth!”
            “Yeah and we’ll tape up your head and it’ll rip your hair out when you try to take it off!”
            Vani whimpered and stopped struggling as the girls laughed.  When they heard the boys coming they hurriedly retreated into the student union room.
            “Well then,” said Karl, seemingly nonplussed.
            “God Vani, we all went on the run with proper dedication and turns out you were just here hanging around?” smirked Jay.
            Karl, Jay and Willy all burst into laughter and gingerly poked Vani, careful not to disturb the web he was caught in.
            “Shut up, you guys!  Let me down!”
            “No way!  Are you insane?  This is awesome!” said Karl, displaying heretofore unheard of levels of enthusiasm.
            “Seriously!” agreed Willy.
            “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it,” said Jay.
            “I know, eh?  This is so genius, I can’t believe it never occurred to me,” agreed Karl.
            “Get me down!” Vani shrieked.
            “Who did this to you?” asked Jay.
            “I flew up you frakking wacktard!  Cerise!  It was Cerise and the Green Squad!”
            “Whoa!” said Jay, impressed.
            “We taught her well,” nodded Karl.
            “You guys!  I’m all itchy and stuff!  You have to help me!”
            “No way. This is too good.  I wish I had my camera,” mused Karl.  “Does anyone have a camera on their phone?”
            “You gotta admit it’s pretty genius, Vani,” said Jay.
            “Yeah, it’d be funny if it happened to Willy but…”
            “Willy would bring down the whole wall,” said Karl quite logically.  “You’re the only one light enough, Vani.”
            The bell rang and Vani threatened murder if the boys didn’t help him down.  They informed him that they had to get to class and wished him well, advising him to hang in there.  But soon the hall was flooded with students and everyone stopped and stared, laughing and poking at the duct taped victim. The boys stood back and observed while Cerise, Sarah, Melanie and Stephanie emerged from student union.
            “Oh my,” said Sarah in mock shock.  “A little boy is taped to the wall.  How weird.  I think I’ll get my camera and take some pics for yearbook.”
            Everyone laughed while Sarah snapped photos.  Terry Trebichavsky and his gang came along and laughed as well.
            “Who did this?” asked Christina Penna, giggling.
            “I did it!  I’m telekinetic!” said Vani, forcing a smile.
            “Oh my god!” said Jojo, joining the crowd.
            “Am I tripping or is there a dude on the wall?” asked the rasta Glue Sniffer.
            “There’s a dude on the wall,” replied the emo Glue Sniffer.
            “Cool,” smirked girl Glue Sniffer.
            “How’d you get up there?” asked Jojo.
            “Well I decided to wear my duct tape jumpsuit today and then I jumped up on this wall and somehow I stuck.”
Everyone laughed and Terry approached Cerise, who stood against the student union door.
“Don’t you know this guy?” he asked.
“Vaguely,” she snickered.
“Do you know what happened?”
She smirked and shrugged and Terry’s eyes widened in comprehension.
“Nice!” he laughed.  He lowered his voice and Vani couldn’t make out what he was saying but he was leaning in to Cerise and she was smirking like crazy.  “Intense!” he exclaimed.
“What do you mean there’s a boy…” Mr. Taffenberg was saying as a student led him to the wall.  “Oh I see.  Well Vani, this is certainly a new look for you.”
“I’m trying to start a trend,” smiled Vani.
“Alright well let’s try to get you down,” said Taffy, gently pulling at the tape. 
The crowd groaned and Vani yelled out for him to stop.
“No, I like it up here.  I feel so tall!”
The crowd laughed appreciatively and Vani beamed with pride.  Sarah asked Taffy to stand next to Vani so she could take a picture and he happily obliged.
“Hey uh, can we get in a pic with him?” asked Karl, smiling at Sarah.
She agreed and Karl, Willy and Jay all took on gangster poses while Sarah snapped a pic.  Next Cerise and the Green Girls posed with Vani and then everyone took turns getting their picture taken.  Vani made various funny faces throughout the process.  Even Terry Trebichavsky and Andrew Lester got their picture taken with him.  They acted as though they were about to punch him and Vani made a mock scared face.  This was pretty much the best day of his entire life.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Season 1 - Episode 11 - Act IV

            “What if he’s dead?” asked Vani as he poked Willy with his foot.
            It was nearly noon and he still hadn’t woken up.  He seriously could be dead, except he was still snoring, so probably not.
            Karl opened the door and stepped outside, grabbing a handful of snow.  He came back in and threw the snow in Willy’s face.  “Wakey, wakey, Willy boy!”
            “What?” gurgled Willy, wiping the cold wetness off his face.
            “Time to become conscious!” said Karl.
            “As much as is possible for you,” smirked Vani.
            “Wass’ goin’ on?  Wha happened?”
            “You passed out last night, wacktard,” Jay explained.
            “Shut up.  Stop yelling!”
            “It’s time to get up!  We’re leaving!”
            “Augh.  Leave me alone.  I have a headache.”
            “Someone has a hangover,” smirked Jay.
            “That’s the price you pay for cool I guess.”
            “Yeah ‘cause this is super cool,” said Karl while rolling his eyes.
            “Well it is kinda cool,” smiled Vani.  “You know, to know someone who like passed out in the snow.”
            “Is that why I’m so cold?  And wet?” asked Willy, sitting up and finding his pants at his ankles and his boxers damp.
            “Hah!  You totally pissed yourself!” Vani shrieked with laughter.
            “No I didn’t!” Willy protested but he squeezed his boxers anyway and sniffed his hand.  “It’s just snow.  Did you guys throw snow on me?”
            “Willy, you went outside and passed out in the snow!  All we did was save your sorry life,” explained Karl with much more patience than Willy deserved.
            Willy looked skeptical and as he stood up, he grabbed his head in agony.  “Fuck, my head is killing me.  I didn’t even drink that much.  Did I?”
            “You had ten beers,” shrugged Karl.  “I dunno, is that a lot?  I mean for a guy your size?”
            None of them knew. 
            “How come you guys don’t have hangovers?” asked Willy.
            “’Cause I didn’t drink,” said Karl.
            “I didn’t drink that much,” said Jay.  “And actually I do kinda have a headache.”
            “And I’m immune!  It didn’t affect me at all!  It’s my superpower!” yelled Vani.
            “You’re not immune, wacktard.  You only had one beer. And you had four hotdogs so I’m sure they absorbed most of the alcohol,” reasoned Karl.
            “But I was totally drunk.”
            “No you weren’t.  You always act like that.”
            “Like what?” asked Willy.  “I don’t remember any of it.”
            Vani, Jay and Karl all looked at each other and grinned. 
            “What?” asked Willy.
            “Oh nothing,” said Vani cryptically.
            “You don’t wanna know,” snickered Jay.
            “What?”
            “We should prob’ly lord this over him for a while,” said Jay.
            “We can get a lot of mileage out of this one,” agreed Vani.
            “You guys are full of shit.  Nothing even happened I bet.  We played the game and then fell asleep.”
            “Shows how much you know,” smirked Karl.  “We barely even gamed.  We were too distracted by the tears frankly.”
            “What?”
            “YOU CRIED!”  They all sang in unison.
            “What?”
            “You cried!  You totally cried!”
            “Yeah right…”
            “You so cried!”
            “Like a baby!”
            “Like a wittle girl!”
            “It was hilarious!  You were crying for your mommy!”
            “You were like, I’m scared, I want my mommy!”
            “Mommy, mommy, where are you?”
            “I’m scared, mommy!”
            “I want my bottle!”
            “My dirt bottle!”
            Karl uploaded his pictures and they watched a slide show on his laptop.  Every stage of Willy’s drunkenness and subsequent crying jag was documented.  The best picture was the one of Willy passed out in the snow flanked by Vani and Jay who were giving thumbs up. 

            “So I was thinking about our skit tonight,” said Terry as he joined the gang at the chairlift.
            “Oh so now all of a sudden it’s our skit?” smirked Karine.  “I thought you were too cool to join in.”
            “Whatever.  Just listen.  I think we should be even more direct about it.”
            “It’s already pretty mean,” said Christina.
            “Yeah, how much more direct can you be without actually saying her name?” asked Steven.
            “Like any of us know her name,” smirked Erica.
            “Yeah but we should just make it more obvious.”

            “So you know our skit?” asked Cerise.
            The Green Girls nodded.
            “We should make it funnier.”
            “But it’s about the environment.  It’s not supposed to be funny.”
            “I just have a few lines I wanna add.”

            Shauna sat at the back of the lounge, trying hard to be invisible.  Everyone else sat with their groups and they all took turns doing sketches and comedy routines and dance acts.  She hoped to god no one would notice she hadn’t joined a group.  So far none of the teachers had ever acknowledged her presence so she was hopeful she could get away with her lack of participation.
            Cerise and those three ethnic chicks walked to the stage, which was just a clearing that had been made next to the fireplace.  They talked about recycling and environmental footprints and stuff.
            What a bitch.  Why was she even hanging out with those girls?  She was nothing like them.  They were all giggly and annoying and Cerise wasn’t like that at all.  Cerise could be quiet and just listen and be nice.  Her hair was so bright, glowing under the fluorescent lights. 
            “And that’s why we should all recycle!  Because it’s wasteful not to and also, if we don’t, all our garbage becomes toxic and pollutes the environment,” said Sarah Wong.
            “Yeah, like if for instance you use a porta-potty.  It’s probably best to like, flush rather than you know, stew in your own waste,” smiled the black chick.
            “Always keep porta-potties upright.  It’s the only ecologically safe way to use a porta-potty,” said the Indian chick.
            Cerise smiled sweetly as she spoke.  “Remember the three Rs you should always do: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  And the three Ps you should never do:  Pollute, Perpetuate ignorance or use a Porta-potty.”
            Everyone laughed as the girls took their seats.  Tons of kids chanted Porta-potty and held their noses as if something smelled.  Shauna wondered how best to reach the exit without being seen.
            Cerise’s stupid huge boyfriend and all his cuntnugget friends went up to do their skit.  Andrew Lester left the room for a second and came back in a cardboard box that was painted blue.  It had the words ‘PORTA-POTTY’ written on it in magic marker.  He stood motionless while Karine Cavali√®re walked by him.
            “Dum de dum,” she hummed and then bumped into the box.
            “Whoa there little girl,” smarmed Andrew.
            “Mr. Porta-potty man!  I love you!  I’ve been looking all over for you!”
            “No, little girl.  You shouldn’t love me.  That’s dangerous.”
            “That’s right folks,” said Cerise’s stupid boyfriend, stepping over to join Karine and Andrew.  “Porta-potties aren’t toys.”
            “Nor should they be mistaken for sexual partners.  ‘Cause that’s just gross,” smiled Erica Mackey and her stupid blonde hair with its stupid black roots.
            “In fact, you should probably avoid porta-potties altogether,” said Christina Penna.
            “You never know what kind of disease you might catch from one,” said Steven Reid.
            “Or what kind of freak you’ll meet in one,” smirked Blonde Cuntnugget.
            “Sorry Mr. Porta-potty man.  I can’t hang out with you anymore,” said Karine sadly.
            “That’s ok, little girl.  I don’t really like you anyway.”
            “Nobody likes me!” she whined.
            “That’s right,” nodded Andrew and all the others, speaking in unison.  “Nobody does.”
            The crowd erupted into laughter as the assholes bowed. 
            “Ok.  I guess there was a bit of a theme there at the end,” said Mr. Taffenberg in confusion.  He announced that they’d determine the winner by applause.  Everyone clapped politely for all the sketches but the applause got much louder for the environmental sketch and the sound was absolutely deafening for the Porta-potty safety sketch, as Mr. Taffenberg called it.  He gave the assholes a bag of candy as a prize, along with other random dollar store crap. 
            Shauna was glued to the wall.  Everyone was laughing and running around and every time someone passed by her they held their nose and talked about the stink.  She wanted to run away but seemed unable to move.  She couldn’t make her legs work.
            Cerise’s jerkhole boyfriend was sharing his candy with her and they were laughing and eating and kissing and being gross.  They hung out with all the other assholes and every so often they would burst into laughter.  How the hell had Cerise gotten so popular all of a sudden?  Why did everyone love her now?  Why did she hate Shauna so much?  There were rumours going around that Shauna had attacked Cerise with a knife.  She wished it was true.  Cerise would make a lovely corpse and if she was dead she couldn’t stop Shauna from joining her in her grave.  They could turn to worm food together. 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Season 1 - Episode 11 - Act III

            “It was a Tron reference,” explained Karl.
            “Well it was funny anyway,” shrugged Willy.
            “You laugh at everything on Robot Chicken even if you don’t get it.  This is because you are stupid,” said Vani.
            “Is original Tron any good?” asked Willy, ignoring the insults as they feasted on hotdogs and beer.
            Karl’s cabane was small and the downstairs was basically just a cave, probably similar to what hell might be like but the upstairs was liveable, if rustic.  The furniture was tacky but serviceable and the place finally had a working bathroom, though the septic tank had been known to back up.  And the kitchen now had electricity, though the boys preferred to make their meals on the wood stove just because it was cool and weird.  It was also ineffective so it was a good thing they ate precooked wieners and beans.  There had been a lot of farting going on lately.  Willy took a beating every time anyone let one rip.  It was pretty hilarious.
“Tron rocks!” said Jay enthusiastically.  He really liked beer.  But Tron still did rock.
            “Well no,” said Karl, shaking his head.  “Tron actually sucked.  I mean it’s awesome in that way all old school sci-fi suckage rocks but yeah, total suck.”
            Karl was such a lamebot.  He’d refused to drink anything but water and his arguments retained their logical Karl robo logic.  So boring.
            “The fat Tron guy online is more entertaining than the movie,” said Jay.  “But that’s not to say the movie isn’t entertaining.  That fat guy is just really fat.  It’s like if Willy wore spandex.”
            “You so should!” exclaimed Vani.  “Man, Tron man, Tron.  Say it a few times.  Tron, tron, tron.  Awesome!  I love ‘80s movies!  Before that people didn’t even know Frisbees could glow in the dark!
            “It sucked,” burped Willy.
            “You just said you never saw it!  It was rocksolauriosis!  It’s like, what they thought VR would be before they knew the future would be just as lame as the past!”
            “Oh, oh, oh!” Jay had just thought of something brilliant.  “You know what though?  You know what?”
            “What?” wondered Vani, eager with anticipation.
            “Lawnmower Man!”
            “Ooooh!  That had a sequel!” said Vani in a whisper, as though it was something to be kept secret from Willy because really, who else would they want to keep things secret from?

            “Where’s Marla?” asked Sarah as they got in line for the chair lift.
            Cerise had agreed to accompany the Green Girls on a more advanced hill.  She knew she’d regret it but she figured she could do one run and then go in for hot chocolate, satisfied that she’d put forth some effort.
            “She’s hooking up with Sean, duh,” explained Steph.
            “Oh she is not.  She doesn’t even like Sean.  Only an idiot would like Sean,” scoffed Sarah.
            “Marla is totally hooking up with him.  It’s like, known,” Mel assured them.
            “Marla will hook up with anyone, duh.”
            “Totally.”
            Sarah and Cerise rolled their eyes as they shuffled forward in the chairlift line. 
            “Oh my god, is that Porta-potty chick in front of us?” asked Mel.
            “It totally is,” confirmed Steph.
            “Gross!  She’s gonna infect us with her stank!”
            “Shut up!” ordered Sarah.
            “Seriously, stop being so mean,” hissed Cerise.
            “But eww, she smells!”
            When Shauna got to the front of the line the chairlift operator eyed her judgmentally and asked if she was alone.  Shauna ignored him and the operator practically yelled at her, once again asking if she was alone.  Mel and Steph laughed like hyenas and Cerise shuffled forward, taking pity on Shauna.
            “I’m with her,” she told the lift operator.
            The chairlift seat creaked up behind them and just as Cerise was about to sit down, Shauna pushed her to the ground.  The chair swept up into the air, pulling Shauna away with it.  Cerise scrambled off to the side with Sarah’s help.  The lift operator seemed nothing less than amused.
            “Oh my god!  Did you guys see that?” asked Cerise, fuming.
            “Totally!”
            “She totally pushed you!”
            “Oh my god!”
            “What a bitch!”
            “What a skank!”
            “What a ho!”
            “Are you ok, Cerise?’ asked Sarah.
            “Yeah I’m fine.  But oh my god, that was nuts!”
            “Totally!”
            “God, last time I try to be nice to that freak!” said Cerise in irritation.
            “I know, right?”
            “She was totally trying to kill you!”
            “Oh my god!  Porta-potty totally tried to kill Cerise!”
            Everyone from their class who was in line was instantly aware of the attempt on Cerise’s life.  When she got back to the chalet she was swarmed by well-wishers wanting to know all the details and witnesses who swore up and down that Porta-potty chick had been armed with an exacto knife or a switchblade and had pushed Cerise from halfway up the lift after holding the knife to her throat. 

            “If you were on Smallville would you rather be Clark Kent or Lex Luthor?” asked Vani.
            “I’d rather be Lex Luthor obviously because he had the good sense to leave that show, even though he waited about four seasons too long to go,” said Karl.
            “No but seriously though, seriously, who’s cooler?  Clark Kent or Lex Luthor?  Seriously,” asked Vani.
            “How is this even a question?  The answer is still Lex Luthor and will always be Lex Luthor,” insisted Karl.
            “Are we talking all of Superman lore or just Smallville?” asked Willy.
            “Just Smallville.”
            “Oh well then obviously Lex Luthor,” nodded Willy.
            “Even though Willy is always wrong, it’s true that Luthor’s cooler fershure,” agreed Jay.  “But I’d still choose Clark Kent ‘cause he has all the powers.”
            “Yeah, the power to suck,” scoffed Karl.
            “Heat vision!  Super hearing, super breath!  Bam!”  Jay slammed his fist down on the table, knocking dice everywhere.
            Karl pushed Jay down and stuffed a cold wiener into his mouth.
            “Man, be more Smallville you guys,” laughed Vani.
            “Wow, good callback,” snickered Willy.
            “Yes actually, I do applaud your recall,” conceded Karl.
            “How come everyone makes jokes about Smallville being gay when it’s all about Lana Lang and her magic pussy?” asked Willy.
            “You make an uncharacteristically good point, Willy,” nodded Karl.  “Especially since the focus should be on Chloe.  She’s way cooler.”
            “No way man,” said Jay, spitting out hot dog.  “Lana Lang may be a bitch but she’s hot.  I’d totally hit that.  I mean I’d do Chloe too but Lana Hot is Hotta Lang.”
            “I love how you say you’d hit that, making the erroneous assumption that you’d ever have the opportunity or the ability to sustain an erection.  Regardless, you’re on crack,” said Karl.  “Lana Suck is Sucka Lang.”
            “I dunno,” mused Vani.  “She’s a bitch as Lana Lang but Kristen Kreuk is total hotness.”
            “Agreed,” nodded Willy.
            “Crackitude.”  Karl shook his head.
            “Did you see the movie where she plays Snow White?  I had inappropriate fantasies about being one of her dwarves for months after seeing that thing.”
            “Thanks for the visual.”
            “Whatever.  Both those bitches left that show.  In the end Superman ends up with
Lois Lane
anyway so who cares who he hangs out with in the early seasons?” wondered Willy.
            They all considered this and then Jay asked the obvious. “I dunno.  Him?”
            “Speaking of Cerise,” said Willy.  “Do you think she wears matching bras and panties or just like, chooses them randomly each day?  Do you think she wears sports bras or like, lacy things?”
            Jay looked at Willy in disgust but Vani seemed to be considering the question in earnest.
            “I don’t think she wears sports bras, she’s not that flat,” said Vani.  “I mean, I may be shorter than her but sometimes I’ll wait for her to sit down first and I’ll sneak a peak down her shirt and she ain’t flattening those things.  I don’t remember what the bras looked like though.  I was concentrating on the cleavage.”
            “She has one pair of jeans that are real low riders and when she sits down you can see her panties.  She has a pair that’s like blue with yellow polka dots,” said Willy.  “It would be awesome if she had a matching bra ‘cause it would be like that song, the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini.”
            “Shut up!” commanded Jay.  “I don’t wanna imagine Cerise in her underwear!”
            “Why the hell not?” asked Willy in confusion.  “You still don’t get that she’s a girl?  Or are you finally admitting to your faggosity?”
            Karl smirked in amusement.  “While I have nothing against imagining Cerise in her underwear I certainly don’t want to imagine Willy imagining her in her underwear because that inevitably involves imagining Willy beating his willy and that is something no one should ever have to imagine, or witness, so get your hand out of your pants!”
            They all understood that it was time to pummel Willy with empty beer bottles until he screamed for mercy.

            “Cerise, are you ok?”  Terry rushed to Cerise’s side as she sipped her hot chocolate while sprawled out on a sofa in the lounge with Sarah and Mel and Steph on an adjacent couch.
“Yeah, of course, what do you mean?”
            “I heard that Porta-potty chick attacked you!”
            “Total attack,” nodded Mel.
            “Murder attempt,” agreed Steph.
            “It wasn’t quite that dramatic,” smiled Cerise, secretly enjoying all the attention.
            She lifted her legs and Terry slid under them.  She laid her legs back down on his lap and he placed his hands on her knees. 
            “What happened?” he asked.
            “She was all alone at the chairlift and I felt bad for her so I went to sit next to her but when the chair came she pushed me and I fell down.”
            “She pushed you?”
            “It was totally majorly violent!” said Mel.
            “Totally!  She was like screeching and practically bit Cerise’s face off before she pushed her!”
            Cerise couldn’t help but laugh and Terry looked dubious.  He looked over at Sarah.
            “There was no screaming but she did push her,” explained Sarah.  “When the chair swept by it missed Cerise’s head by like, 2 millimetres.  It could have been way more serious but luckily Cerise falls well.”
            “Thanks for the falling lessons,” giggled Cerise.
            Terry grinned and leaned over Cerise, kissing her on the nose.  “You’re welcome.”
            “Awwww!!!!” the Green Girls swooned.
            Terry invited them to go tubing and they all enthusiastically agreed.  They met up with Terry’s friends and it actually wasn’t that weird.  Cerise was glad the Green Girls had come along because she might have felt awkward otherwise but as it was, they were all one big gang and it was pretty cool.  Everyone asked about the Porta-potty attack and Cerise let the Green Girls tell the story their way.  The cool kids were all pretty impressed by Cerise’s bravery in the face of toilety stank.  Even Erica Mackey seemed fascinated by the experience, though she implied that it was Cerise’s own fault for taking pity on Porta-potty in the first place.  Terry assured Cerise that she shouldn’t worry about Erica’s opinion since she was a bitch anyway. 
It was a pretty awesome day ‘cause even though they were all hanging out as a group, Terry paid a lot of attention to Cerise and she always sat in his lap as they slid down the hills.  It was a comfortable place to be.

            “Rock da house, rock da house, rock da, rock da, rock da house…” Vani bopped up and down while singing into an empty beer bottle.
            Jay danced as well.  “Rock it!  Rock da hooooouuuuuussssse!”
            “Rock.  Da.  House.” Burbed Willy.
            “Karlotron!” sang Vani, pointing to Karl.
            Karl sat back and recorded the boys on his camera.  “You know, you guys aren’t as funny as you think you are.  I think Willy is actually transcending space and time with the power of his bad breath.  One more burp and I think we’ll all implode.”
            “Suck. It,” burped Willy.
“This is complete suckletron,” said Karl in disgust.
            “Is that like suck but to the power of Tron?” asked Jay.
            “We are of one mind,” nodded Karl.  “Which is disturbing, considering your current mental state.”
            “ROCK DA HOUSE!” screeched Jay in response.
             
            Terry invited Cerise and her friends to join him and the gang for dinner.  The lesser Green Girls could be a bit annoying but Sarah Wong was cool and it was fun to hang out as one big group.  Terry could tell that Erica resented Cerise and the Greens’ inclusion but that just made it all the more fun.  As long as Karine was cool with it he didn’t care what the others thought.
            “Oh my god, what is that stench?” said one of the Greens while holding her nose.
            Porta-potty chick was shuffling by with her food tray.  They all joined in the taunts and while Cerise didn’t say anything, she nevertheless laughed at the jokes so Terry let himself laugh too.
            “Oh my god, is Marla Fitzpatrick sitting with the Krells?  I thought she was with Sean Price these days,” said Christina.
            “Oh my god, she’s totally getting double teamed by the Krells,” snickered Erica.
            “I hear she has gang bangs like all the time!” said one of the Greens and the other agreed that it was totally true.
            Taffy and Rosenbaum were trying to get karaoke going.  They’d been trying every night; it was pretty pathetic.  Old people singing was so weird.  They were doing that old Wang Chung song from the ‘80s and trying to get everyone to join in but obviously no one did.
            “You have to pick a song we know!” said Sarah.
            “Yeah, we weren’t even born when that song came out,” agreed Karine.
            “Now I feel old,” whined Taffy comically. 
            He and Rosenbaum searched through the song book, looking for something from the 21st century.

            “We’re the brews.  Sporting anti-swastika tattoos!  Oi Oi we’re the boys.  Orthodox, hesidic, O.G. Ois.”
            Jay and Vani lead the singing, with Karl and Willy providing backup vocals.  As the song went on, their voices rose in volume until finally Jay, Vani and Karl were yelling in Willy’s ears.  He tried to swat them away but they switched to making white noises while dancing around him.
            “Quit it!” he demanded, throwing punches wildly.
            “Quit it,” mocked Karl.
            Willy tried to climb over the couch to escape but ended up tripping over himself and landing flat on his face.  Naturally, the others laughed heartily and Karl snapped some pictures.
            “I hate you guys!” whined Willy from the floor.
            “Aww, poor wittle willytard,” said Vani in a baby voice.
            “You’re such assholes!  I hate you all!”
            What happened next was almost incomprehensible.  If Jay hadn’t been there to witness it himself he might not have believed it really happened.  Well, he’d believe it, because Willy really was that lame, but still, incredible.  What happened was this: Willy started to cry.  Actual tears flowed from his eyes as he scrambled to his feet.  Jay, Vani and Karl stared at him, utterly dumfounded.  Willy stumbled downstairs and the others followed quietly.  Without even putting on shoes, tears still streaming down his face, Willy yanked open the door and lurched outside, slamming the door behind him.
            They all looked at each other in shock and awe and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

            Apparently there were no modern songs in the chalet’s karaoke repertoire.  The best they could do was ‘90s music.  Taffy turned the TV so everyone could see the lyrics and he started the song.
            “I had visions, I was in them.  I was looking into the mirror...  Come on everybody!  To see a little bit clearer.  The rottenness and evil in me.”
            Rosenbaum joined him, clapping her hands and Terry figured he wasn’t the only one getting flashbacks to square dancing.  “Fingertips have memories.  Mine can’t forget the curves of your body.  And when I feel a bit naughty.  I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes but no one ever does…  Wait, is this song appropriate?”
            Everyone laughed.  It was totally gross to see Rosenbaum in all her gross oldness singing about jacking off but it was also kind of undeniably awesome.
            Andrew jumped up and joined the teachers at the mikes, enthusiastically dancing along to the song while he sang.  He was closely followed by Karine and Sarah and eventually all the kids from drama had stood up and were singing along.  Except Cerise.  She stayed with Terry.  He loosened his grip on her hand so she could get up if she wanted to but she stayed seated and silent.  But eventually everyone in the caf was singing along and even Terry got swept up in the insanity.  He and Cerise stood up and he placed himself behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist.  They both swayed together while singing along.
 “I’m not sick but I’m not well.  And I’m so hot cause I’m in hell.  Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding.  The cretins cloning and feeding and I don’t even own a TV.”

They weren’t supposed to leave the cafeteria until given permission but no one had noticed Shauna leave.  They were all too busy singing and having fun and being assholes.  The dorms weren’t all that close to the caf but Shauna could still hear the singing drifting up the stairs.  The floor even seemed to be shaking from the loudness of the song.
“Put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me.  You told them all I was crazy.  They cut off my legs now I’m an amputee, god damn you.”

“He’s gonna freeze to death out there,” said Karl when he had adequately composed himself.
They all put on their coats and boots and ventured outside.  It was pitch black and obviously they hadn’t thought to bring a flashlight so they lit their way with their ipods.  This actually provided decent lighting since the white of the snow acted as a reflector.  They managed to find a set of footprints and followed them until they found Willy passed out in the backyard.  They kicked him to wake him up but all he did was groan without moving.  Shit.  This would be pain.

Terry kissed the top of Cerise’s head and she tipped her head back.  He lowered his face and kissed her cute little button nose and then her lips. 
“I’m not sick but I’m not well.  And I’m so hot cause I’m in hell.  I’m not sick but I’m not well.  And it’s a sin to live so well.  I wanna publish zines.  And rage against machines.  I wanna pierce my tongue.  It doesn’t hurt, it feels fine.”

Holy shit he was heavy.  Trust the fattest one in the group to pass out in the snow.  After taking a few more pictures, Jay and Karl had each taken one of Willy’s arms and they dragged him back towards the cabane while Vani helped by pulling down Willy’s pants.
It wasn’t so bad as they were dragging him through the snow but once they reached the door it got tougher.  Karl yelled at Vani to lift Willy’s legs so they could drag him over the doorstep.  Finally they got him inside and dropped his limbs unceremoniously.  Vani shut the door and they all stared at Willy’s limp body.
“Well ok then,” shrugged Karl.
“Should we give him a blanket?” asked Jay.
“Should we turn his head so if he pukes he doesn’t choke on it?”
They all agreed this seemed reasonable and they pushed Willy onto his side as best they could, propping him up with some firewood logs.  They put a bucket next to him in the hopes that he would have the sense to use it if he woke up and they draped his sleeping bag over him after debating whether or not it would be funnier to soak the sleeping bag with urine first.  They decided to leave it untainted and retreated upstairs for a bit of late night gaming while Willy snored below. 

            Shauna closed her eyes but it was impossible to sleep with the thumping below.  She wondered what would happen if she broke into Cerise’s room and slept on her bed.  Or if she trashed it.  She could poor shampoo over all their stuff.  Or she could rip up the mattresses with her razor blade.  Or she could cut herself and write nasty messages in her own blood. 
            She did none of these things.  All she did was lie there and listen.
“The trivial sublime.  I’d like to turn off time.  And kill my mind.  You kill my mind.”