She was utterly alone. She’d always been alone but now, truly, she had nothing. Leanne hadn’t even called her in forever and she’d lost her job at the bookstore, her own fault for causing a scene with Kim. Her own fault for ever going home with Kim. Even if Shauna hadn’t gotten grounded for breaking curfew she’d still have nowhere to go. Cerise must truly hate her now. Everyone hated her. She hated herself.
She knew what she had to do. She had to stop thinking about it and just do it. She got out of bed, walked to her parents’ bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. There they were. She wasn’t sure what type of pills they were but they would probably do the trick. She took a handful and stuffed them in her mouth. She tried to swallow but instead gagged so she downed a glass of water. Still she couldn’t get them all down so she started chewing but they tasted so chalky and gross that she gagged again and most of the pills ended up in the sink.
Shit, her mother would freak. She gathered the pills and tried to force them down, but she just kept gagging. What the fuck?! She’d never had trouble taking pills before! Oh fuck it, pills were too slow anyway. She should just slit her wrists. She washed off the pills as best she could and stuffed them back in the bottle, then went back to her bedroom, where she found the razor blade she always kept tucked under her pillow.
“Terry! A martini set? Does this mean I have to become more sophisticated?” laughed Karine. She didn’t like to admit it, but gifts were her favourite part of birthdays. Even if they were shitty gifts, it was still cool to receive things.
“You’re already there,” said Terry, kissing her on the forehead, which was kind of paternal and weird but she laughed it off.
Cerise’s gift was huge and heavy; felt like a book. Sure enough it was the complete works of Shakespeare. She gushed, saying she loved it, how it would be awesome next year when she was studying drama but in truth, she kind of hated it. She wasn’t really a huge fan of Shakespeare in general and this book was seriously mammoth. Even if she wanted to read Shakespeare she wouldn’t do it with this monstrosity. But she supposed it wasn’t meant to be practical; it was more of a showpiece. And indeed, it would look cool on her shelves.
Then she found Janice’s gift and she hesitated. It would probably be like a live scorpion or something. She opened it with a smile and found a vibrator inside. It wasn’t even in a package and was probably one of Janice’s old toys. So fucking gross. Everyone laughed when she extracted it and then dropped it on the floor in disgust.
“Well, now that you don’t have a boyfriend, I mean, unless you count Jeremy,” Janice snickered.
Karine laughed good-naturedly. “Well thanks, Janice, I’ll be sure to put it to good use,” she said, making a mental note to completely cut Janice out of her life.
“I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight,” said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Willy, though Karine hadn’t seen him all night.
The gang looked around and Terry asked who’d said that.
“Uh, I did,” confessed Jay as Vani and Karl stifled laughter. “But I was kidding. I think. I mean, I know, I mean, kill all humans. Crush, destroy,” he said, doing his usual Godzilla shtick.
Terry gave him the stink eye and Karine kept opening gifts.
Shauna drew the blade across her wrist but nothing really happened. She dug deeper but found that her hands were shaking yet still there was no blood. So she inhaled deeply and dug in really deep.
“Ow!” she whimpered as a trickle of blood spilled out of her arm. Fuck that hurt!
Why did everything have to hurt so much? Why couldn’t she just kill herself without it hurting so bad? Suicide was supposed to make the pain go away, not make it worse! She tossed the razor blade across the room and marched downstairs, not caring if she’d get in trouble for leaving.
Her parents were out at the moment but they’d probably be home before her because her plan was to never come home ever again. She’d just walk up to the overpass and jump off and get smooshed by a car. The carnage would be awesome. But first she needed courage, which is why she went to a SAQ and got herself a huge bottle of vodka.
Willy was crouched behind the couch and periodically Jay and the guys would throw chips back there. Not because they wanted to encourage him but because it was something to do. So far this party was pretty lame. Everyone was dancing but Jay wasn’t into it. Fuck, he was so lonely. He’d screwed up every relationship he’d ever had, hadn’t he?
Cassie, Sarah and Cerise were all dancing together, having the time of their lives, not even caring that his life was shit. God, they were so selfish. It was so easy for girls. They could get laid anytime they wanted. But it wasn’t so easy for guys, unless they were Terry Trebigod’sgiftsky. Fuck that asshole!
Oh fuck, seriously? Now Terry Trebilifeissoeasyforhimsky was dancing too and the girls were all over him, just like always. And Vani was getting in on it. Why was Vani so confident with some things when he was so chicken-shit about others? At least he’d never had a girlfriend. At least Jay had him on that. In fact, he was more successful with chicks than any of the guys, even if it always imploded in his face. Is that what was stopping him from trying again? The possibility that it would go sideways like it always did? Or was it simply that he couldn’t find anyone else he was interested in? He knew he’d never find a girl like Karine to actually be into him, but what about the other chicks here?
Jay sipped on his beer as he surveyed the crowd. There were plenty of girls he didn’t know but he didn’t really feel like getting to know them. They’d probably reject him, ‘cause girls were bitches that way. Jay’s gaze fell upon his three exes and he sized them up, wondering which one he liked best. All three of them were too flat. Cassie was too short and too whiny and annoying. Cerise had too many freckles and was tainted by Terry Trebigrossky juices. And Sarah was too smart. And she knew it. But still, having a girlfriend was nice, at least in theory. It would be good to have someone to go down on him and stuff. He was sick of using his hand to get off. And it was also nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn’t laugh at him the way the guys did. Cerise was good for that. It’s too bad they’d fucked things up by getting together ‘cause he kind of missed their talking times. But Cerise was the worst one of the lot in terms of sexiness. It’s not that she wasn’t attractive, but again, she was covered with the stench of Terry Trebiruinseverythingsky. So fuck that shit. Cassie was pretty good in the sack. Maybe he’d try her out again. But she was super bitter these days. So that left Sarah. But she was too dominant and kind of made Jay feel like an idiot.
So a new girl then. But who? Oh fuck it. Let the universe decide. Jay got up and walked into the empty kitchen, having determined that whichever female walked in next would be the girl he’d try to hook up with. Unless she was like totally hideous or something.
Shauna carried her bottle of vodka to a nearby park and sat on a swing. Her plan was to drink the whole bottle and then… what was it again? Oh right, walk into traffic. No, jump off the overpass! But the overpass was like so far away now! Oh whatever, first drink, then think.
“Well, well,” said a female voice. “Long time no fuck over.”
Oh god. It couldn’t be. Shauna looked up. Yep. It was. Fucking Wendy. Fucking glue sniffing fucking bitch ass fucking cunt Wendy.
Two girls walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, taking out two beers. Well, he couldn’t lose courage now!
“Hey, either of you chicks wanna hook up? Or both of you?” chuckled Jay, as he leaned against the kitchen counter, sucking on a beer. He tried to sound suave but ended up sounding like that honey badger voiceover guy.
The two girls looked at him in amazement. “Oh my god,” one of them scoffed.
“Seriously,” the other snickered, and they left.
Ok, ok, minor setback. He could do this. Terry Trebismarmsky did this kind of shit all the time. If it worked for him, why not Jay? Well, other than the obvious.
Another girl came in and… oh great, it was just Sarah. But hey, maybe that was a sign from the universe. Maybe he had to try again with her. If only for one night.
“’Sup?” he asked as nonchalantly as he could while she grabbed a few drinks from the fridge.
“What’s your damage?” she laughed.
“Nothing, I dunno. Feeling like a loser I guess,” he admitted, sitting at the table and plopping his head in his hands.
“Aww, poor baby,” she giggled, sitting next to him and patting his back.
“Seriously, Sarah, am I a loser?”
“Well, sort of,” she admitted with a smile.
“No, but seriously.”
“Well, yeah, and yeah, seriously. I mean, a bit, yeah. You’re a nice guy, Jay but a bit clueless. Like I don’t think you realize how your actions affect other people. You just do shit and don’t give a shit. But it’s like, other people get hurt, you know?”
“You talking about you?” he asked, not sure what she was getting at.
“I’m basically talking about Cerise,” she smirked. “And Cassie too. The way you dumped her was way harsh.”
“She dumped me!”
“But you wanted to do it. You were mean to her. You trash talked her behind her back.”
Jay thought back, trying to remember if he’d actually been mean to her or if this was like, a chicks sticking together thing. “I guess,” he finally said. “But we were ok, right?”
“We were ok,” she shrugged.
“Weren’t we more than just ok?” he asked, not even on the plan to hook up anymore, just wanting someone to tell him he wasn’t a complete piece of shit.
“It was good while it lasted,” said Sarah wistfully. “But it wasn’t meant to be I guess.”
“Maybe we should try again,” he suggested, back on the hooking up idea.
“Oh god, seriously?” she snorted. “I think we’re all too incestuous in this group. And we all take hooking up too seriously. It was easier in high school, when we didn’t have relationships, we just hooked up at parties and it was fun.”
“We? Wow, you were actually hooking up in high school?” he asked, incredulous.
“Well, yeah,” she smirked. “And we’re still just teenagers. Why are we taking ourselves so seriously? You know, I blame Cerise and Terry. Them getting together and being so heavy and serious, it made me think I needed that too. But I don’t. I don’t need a boyfriend. I can be like Janice and just have fun. Like everyone else our age on the fucking planet.”
“So are you saying you wanna hook up?” he asked hopefully.
“With you?!” she laughed.
“Well, why not? I mean if it’s just for one night. Just for fun. Why not?”
She shrugged and regarded him, apparently thinking about it.
“Ok, seriously?” said Karine. “Sarah went to the kitchen like four years ago. Where’s my beer?” she laughed.
“I’ll go get it,” said Cerise, glad for the chance to change her scenery. She was getting a bit mopey, dancing with Terry but not actually dancing with him.
She walked to the kitchen but stopped before going inside because Jay and Sarah were sitting at the table, apparently having an intimate tête-a-tête. Cerise stood behind the doorway and strained to hear them over the music from the living room.
“Seriously, Jay? You know why,” said Sarah.
She couldn’t quite make out what Jay was saying but he seemed to be pleading with her or bargaining, insisting it would be fine.
“Oh my god, Jay!” Sarah exclaimed.
What were they talking about?!
“Since when is my kitchen a black hole!?” laughed Karine, coming through the hallway.
Cerise stopped her with hand motions and she quickly and quietly sidled up next to Cerise. Together they hunched next to the doorway, trying to listen in. There was no sound for a second so they both peered into the kitchen, only to see Jay and Sarah sharing a kiss.
Karine drew in a shocked breath and grabbed Cerise by the shoulder, trying to force her to look away. Cerise shook her off and saw Sarah end the embrace, pushing Jay away. Cerise and Karine ducked back behind the door and stared at each other.
“Jay, seriously, you know why we can’t,” said Sarah.
“Why?” he asked in his usual clueless voice of complete and utter cluelessness.
“Oh my god, seriously?” asked Sarah incredulously. “‘Cause of Cerise, duh! How can you even want to do this again? Fuck, you like totally broke her heart and fuck, like all the shit that went down. Like are you retarded or something?”
“Oh come on, Cerise will never know. No one will know. Besides, even if she did know, she’ll get over it. Cerise’s cool that way. She always gets over it. She’s fine.”
Karine looked at Cerise with a face full of pity and Cerise tried hard not to freak out.
Sarah sighed heavily. “You’re such a shit, Jay. Cerise still cares about you, ok? Like, in a you know, whatever way. How can you be so mean?”
“Ok, fine, whatever. Fuck off then,” he replied bitterly.
Both Cerise and Karine narrowed their eyes in annoyance, staring at each other with disbelief. How could Jay be such an ass? Well, it wasn’t new for him to be a dickhead, but still!
“Oh fuck you,” said Sarah, her chair screeching against the linoleum floor.
Before Karine and Cerise could react, Sarah was right in front of them, her eyes growing wide as she realized they’d been eavesdropping. She was about to say something but Cerise turned and ran outside before she could utter a word.
She stood on the porch and held on to the railing. There were a few people outside, smoking up and generally being annoying so Cerise decided to walk across the street to the yacht club, where she might have some privacy. Apparently that was too much to hope for because two seconds later, Karine and Sarah were at her heels, asking her if she was ok.
“Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t I be?” she asked with a bitter chuckle.
“Oh my god, Cerise, if I’d known you were there…” Sarah trailed off.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Sarah,” Cerise admitted because it was true. Sarah had done the right thing. It was Jay who was a piece of shit.
“Jay is such a fucking douche,” said Karine.
“I know, god!” agreed Sarah.
“So not worth it,” Karine went on.
“I know that,” said Cerise, having reached the yacht club. They walked along the grounds with no destination in mind. “I know he’s a fucking loser and a douche and not worth my time. But it still hurts, ok? I don’t know why, but it does.”
“You don’t still like him, do you?” asked Karine.
“I didn’t think so, but I guess so because fuck, seeing that, hearing that, it really fucking hurt!”
“Well he said mean things, anyone would be hurt,” said Sarah. “Doesn’t mean you still like him.”
“But I think I do!” said Cerise with arms flailing. “I think I still fucking do! What the fuck is wrong with me?!”
“You’re an idiot,” replied Karine.
“I don’t think you should pursue that carreer in motivational speaking,” said Sarah with a smirk.
“Well she’s right,” admitted Cerise. “I am an idiot. Especially because of Terry. I mean who the fuck gives a shit about Jason fucking Harris?! It’s Terry I should be thinking about.”
“Exactly,” nodded Karine.
“And I am,” said Cerise. “I think about Terry all the time. I wanna be with him. But then Jay, I mean, fuck, there’s just, I dunno. You know?”
“Yeah,” nodded Sarah.
“I guess,” shrugged Karine, unconvinced. “come on, let’s go back inside. Fuck Jay. Let’s get you drunk.”
“I’m just gonna go home,” said Cerise.
“Oh fuck off,” Karine sighed. “Don’t run away. Don’t let that shit run you off. Fuck him. We expelled Willy and we can expel Jay’s ass too. Ok? Don’t let him fucking win. Come on.”
Cerise sighed and followed the girls back to the party, where once again they passed by a group of randos smoking on the lawn. Fuck, she hated smokers. It was such a disgusting habit, and completely immoral too! Drinking was one thing, because it was mostly harmful only to oneself - unless one got so drunk one became dangerous or something – but smoking was actively harmful to everyone around and to the planet in general. It wasn’t just ignoring to be a smoker, it was downright evil!
Cerise wanted to yell at those idiots but knew she’d never have the guts to face them. She even tolerated Terry’s smoking when they’d been together because she was a spineless loser who didn’t even have the courage to back up her own convictions. Well fuck Terry and his stupid inability to quit such a dirty habit! And fuck him for being stupid enough to ever start smoking in the first place! And fuck Jay for being such an insensitive asshole, and not even caring about Cerise in the least. Why should Cerise care about these stupid boys if they didn’t care about her? Well she wouldn’t anymore! She wouldn’t ever feel a goddamned emotion ever again!
“So how’ve you been?” snickered Wendy, sitting on the swing next to Shauna.
“Fuck off, bitch,” sneered Shauna.
“Now is that any way to treat an old friend?” laughed Wendy.
“I said fuck off you fucking cunt!” shouted Shauna, spitting as she did so.
Wendy angrily wiped her face and warned Shauna not to try to grow a spine now. Shauna tried to stand up but ended up in the sand and Wendy laughed her evil jackal laugh of evilness. Fuck that fucking cunt ass whore! Fuck!
Wendy leaned over Shauna and kicked sand in her face. Shauna sputtered and lashed out her hand, as Wendy jumped back and laughed again. “Don’t act all tough with me, Sheila. You’re the biggest pussy I’ve ever met. Although, what I hear lately is you’re into eating pussy. “Is it true? Are you a dyke now?”
Shauna let out a guttural sound and got to her feet, then lunged at Wendy, who tried to jump back but this time Shauna got her. She grabbed her and pushed her down to the ground, falling on top of her as she went. A strangled sound came out of Wendy’s throat as she landed with a thud and before she could even move, Shauna’s fists flew down to her face.
It was painful to hit someone but equally pleasurable. Wendy coughed and gagged and moaned and groaned as Shauna kept going, hitting her repeatedly. Wendy squirmed but there was only so much she could do since Shauna was sitting on top of her, her arms pinned down. She kicked her legs but it was useless. Shauna kept hitting, the sound so satisfying when her flesh made contact with Wendy’s. There was even blood now, which was awesome. She could feel Wendy crumbling beneath her, being turned into dust.
Eventually Shauna got tired and stopped. She breathed heavily as she sat on top of her prey, who lay there with eyes closed, her face all bruised and red and blotchy and bloody and gross. Shauna looked at her hands, bloodied and raw and aching in the best way possible. She dug one into her hoodie pocket and took out her pack of cigarettes. She placed one on her lips and another between Wendy’s lips. It fell out so she replaced it as Wendy groaned. Then she lit them both up. Again, Wendy’s cigarette fell out and it landed in her hair. That was pretty funny so Shauna laughed, then she got up and picked up her bottle of vodka, which was almost empty, since it had fallen to the ground at some point. She poured the remainder of the alcohol on Wendy’s face, who sputtered and coughed.
Shauna tossed the empty bottle aside and walked away without saying anything and without looking back.