Season 3 – Episode 6 – Act IV

            Terry was a little embarrassed to admit he wasn’t particularly good at video games.  He supposed it was just a matter of practice and since most of his spare time was spent taking care of his sister he didn’t have much left over for playing games but this didn’t make it any less humiliating when Nick completely obliterated him in every single game they played.  Nick was way into Skyrim lately and was trying to get Terry to buy the game so they could play together but Terry knew he’d never fit gaming into his schedule. 

            “Dude, that’s like the four-billionth time you’ve died,” Nick snickered.

            He’d brought over his massive gaming laptop to show Terry the game.  They’d made him a character but after hours of playing he still wasn’t really getting the hang of it.

            “Ehh, fuck you.  Games aren’t my thing.  Too busy getting pussy, you ‘tard.”

            “Yeah right.  You’re just as fucking hard-up as I am these days.”

            “Mommy says it’s not nice to say fuck you.” Brittany announced, suddenly appearing from out of nowhere.  Terry had thought she’d been playing in her room and he wondered how long she’d been eavesdropping.

            “Um, mommy’s right.  It’s a very bad word and you should never say it.”

            “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck yoooouuu!” she squealed.

            Nick tried not to laugh but ended up making this strangled snorting sound, which made Terry completely lose his shit.  Brittany laughed too.  Oh god, he was gonna have to do some major damage control. 

            “Britt, you don’t say that word at daycare do you?”

            “What word?” she asked innocently.

            “Britt, no games.  You know what word.”

            “I don’t say dat.”  She looked at her feet, obviously lying.

            “Britt, you can’t say it.”

            “I only say dat if stupid boy take my toys!”

            “But you know, at daycare they’re not just your toys.  You have to share.”

            “No!” she screeched.  “My toys!”

            “Britt,” Terry sighed.  “Just don’t hit anyone.  And don’t say bad words.”

            “Why?”

            “’Cause then the teachers get mad at you and they also get mad at me ‘cause I taught you the words.  Do you want your teachers to get mad at me?”

            “No.”  She bit her lip and wrung her hands.  “But what if it accident dat I say bad word?”

            “Just try, Britt.  For sure don’t say it if teachers can hear.  And don’t let the other kids tattle on you.”

            “What if dey do?”

            “Then you beat them up.”

            “Jesus, Terry!” Nick exclaimed with a chortle.

            “I’m just kidding,” Terry snickered as Brittany laughed nervously.  “For real, Britt, no fighting, no saying bad words and no taking all the toys for yourself, ok?”

            Brittany shrugged and agreed half-heartedly.

            “Seriously, Terry?” asked Nick.  “You wonder why she hits the other kids?”

            “Ehh, they probably deserve it,” he grinned.

            They all laughed, though at least Nick had the sense to look horrified.

“You can’t mess with a Trebichavsky, right?” Terry tickled Brittany.

“Can’t meff wif a Tebikaki!” she squealed in delight.

This wasn’t an official skating lake so there were no benches.  They sat on rocks as they tied up their skates and then took to the ice with caution.  It certainly seemed cold enough to hold but you never knew.  Grooves in the ice obviously caused by previous skaters helped appease Cerise’s worries as she wobbled out onto the lake.  She wasn’t much of a skater but she still enjoyed it.

“Seriously you guys, are we ok?” asked Karine, gliding out onto the ice like a professional.  Of course she’d be good at this too.

“I guess,” grumbled Cassie.

“Seriously, I can’t believe you guys thought I wanted Jay for myself.  I mean not that he isn’t’ cute and stuff, but I’d never do that.  I mean I’d never let my feelings for a guy get in the way of my feelings for my girlfriends.  You guys are everything to me.”

“Aww!” squealed Sarah, skating over to Karine so they could embrace.

Cassie seemed a little more dubious and Cerise tried hard not to let on that this was total bullshit.  Karine really was a good actress.  Part of Cerise wanted to call her out because she was annoyed that Karine always got away with everything but she preferred being friends with her rather than enemies. 

“And I don’t even have feelings for Jay.  He’s not the type I go for.  And I’m with Brady now anyway.”

“So why’d you kiss him at Halloween?”

“Oh my god, I was so drunk!” Karine giggled.  “I thought he was Brady!  Why do you think I ran away after?  I was embarrassed!

Wow, she was so full of shit.  Cerise just rolled her eyes and skated over to the girls, joining in their silly group hug.

“You’re an airplane!” exclaimed Terry, twirling Britt around in the air and finally dropping her in a snowbank.

She squealed and tried to get up, but struggled in the snow.  It was pretty funny and Terry and Nick both laughed.

“I wonder what everyone else is doing,” mused Nick.

“Nothing interesting.  Just hanging out at Karl’s cabane.”

“Ayeplane!” Britt exclaimed and Terry tossed her around some more.

“Did you wanna go?”

“Yeah right!  With Cerise and hair boy?  Thanks, but I prefer my masochistic moments to be limited to the bedroom.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Nick laughed.

“Whatever.  I had a good time last year but whatever.  It’s just a cabin.  We sit around, hang out, whatever.  It was cool last year though ‘cause it kinda started me and Cerise getting back together… I mean, after the last time we broke up.”

“How many times have you two broken up anyway?”

“I dunno fuck, a lot.  It depends if you count all those false starts in high school.  Three times I guess.”

“Must be something pretty good if you keep going back for more.”

“Not to quote Taylor Swift but…”

“We are never, ever, ever, getting back together!” hollered Nick, and miming the guys like in that video.

Terry laughed and sang along, glad they were with Britt so he could use her as an excuse for acting so gay. 

“Let’s go out tonight,” suggested Nick.  “Like to a pub or something.”

“Yeah!  We’ll get wasted!”

“Wass wassed?” asked Britt, who could always be counted on to catch the most inappropriate words.

“It’s when you waste time,” said Nick, thinking fast.  “Like just hanging out or whatever.  Except it’s super boring.”

“Den why you do dat?”

“’Cause old people are boring,” explained Terry.

She nodded and ran off to play on the jungle gym and Terry and Nick smirked at each other.

Everything was going great.  Karine had totally gotten the girls to make up with her and everyone was sitting around the fire having a totally good time when Cassie suddenly asked all suspiciously why Brady wasn’t with them.  God, what was her deal?  Why couldn’t she just get over her stupid resentment?  She was such a jealous little leprechaun, it was insane.  But she might as well get used to taking second fiddle to girls like Karine, ‘cause Karine was totally hot and Cassie was just cute, like in a Lilliputian kind of way. 

“Honestly?” shrugged Karine.  “This just isn’t his scene.  I mean it takes a strong stomach to handle these freaks.”

“Agreed,” chuckled Cerise.

“Besides, it’s not like a person has to spend every waking moment with their S.O.,” reasoned Karine.

“Sounds like you’re no more impressed with Brady than you were with Mike,” said Cerise.

“I guess not.  Whatever.  A guy’s a guy,” shrugged Karine.

Cassie narrowed her eyes.  What would it take to get her to trust Karine again?  Not that Karine even cared.  Cassie was like the least important person in her life so whatever.

“Do you at least like the sex better with him?” asked Sarah.

Vani perked up visibly at that question and Karine looked at the other guys to see if they were also listening.  They certainly were.  Even if they hadn’t been present she wouldn’t have told the truth, which is that sex was always a bit weird for her now.  She wanted to blame it on Brady but the problem was probably her.  “I guess,” she shrugged.  

“Sounds like a no,” said Sarah.

“Well he’s like any guy I guess,” said Karine with authority.  “You know, he misses the point.  It’s like, ever heard of romance?  I don’t wanna be jumped randomly you know?  Like it’s called the art of seduction, fucking google it if you can’t figure it out yourself.”

“Oh my god, totally!” agreed Sarah.  “Guys just wanna fuck and then that’s it.  But it’s like, hello, I need a little more than that, you know?”

“Totally,” both Cassie and Cerise nodded.

“Valuable information,” said Vani.

“Well it’s not like a secret,” said Sarah.  “I don’t understand why guys can’t remember that.  It’s like not that difficult.  I mean is it?”  She looked at the guys.  “Neither of you could figure it out.”

Karl sat stone-faced but Jay blushed.

“I didn’t think Jay was so bad,” shrugged Cassie.  “Remember the time when my parents were away and we took a bath together?  That was nice.”

Jay blushed even more.

“Well it sounds just nifty,” smirked Karl.

“Don’t make fun, Karl,” counselled Sarah.  “Even though Jay was like totally useless in almost every way he was still more romantic than you.  Which isn’t saying much.  But I’m not trying to dredge up the past or anything.”

“I did all the froo-froo shit you wanted to do,” said Karl defensively.

“Like what?”

“Like I went to museums with you.  I went to the theatre with you.  We went to like photography exhibits and shit.”

“But you enjoy that shit too!  You said so!  You said it was nice to be with someone who enjoyed cultural stuff instead of just fart jokes and shit!”

“So a romantic gesture only counts if the guy does it against his will?  That makes no sense!”

Sarah was about to retort but then she stopped herself.  “You know what, you’re right.”

“Seriously?” asked Vani, do doubt echoing everyone’s thoughts.

“No, yeah, you are right,” Sarah said decisively.  “You were a good boyfriend, Karl.  I mean at least we had stuff in common.  You’re like the only guy I’ve ever gone out with that I could have an intellectual conversation with.”

“We had intellectual conversations!” insisted Jay.

“It doesn’t count when it’s about fictional shows!” said Sarah in exasperation.

Jay was about to protest when Vani interrupted to note that everyone Jay had ever dated was in this room.  “That’s gotta be a little awkward, eh Jay?”

“I guess,” Jay shrugged.

“And the fourth chick in the room is the one you’ve been masturbating to since you were twelve,” snarked Willy.

The boys laughed but Jay turned a bright shade of red.  Cerise also flushed a bit, Cassie looked pissed off, as usual and Karine simply smirked.  It was gross to think of boys masturbating to her but also sort of flattering. 

“It’s just interesting, don’t you think?” Willy went on.  “Here’s your girlfriend and the chick you’ve always wanted.”

“Shut up!” insisted Jay angrily.

“Hey, I’m just saying,” smiled Willy.

“He’s just saying,” said Karl with an equally amused smile.

Vani nodded at them all.  “Panties, panties, panties, panties!”

Everyone picked up a nearby pillow and they all walloped Vani repeatedly.  He just laughed and kept talking about how Jay’s entire sexual history sat before them.

God, could this be any shittier?  Jay tried not to look like he was embarrassed or angry but he seriously wanted to kill Vani and Willy and Karl and then get swallowed up into the ground.  And take them all with him. 

“Well guess what, Vani?” Jay grumbled.  “Your entire sexual history sits before us too.  ‘Cause it’s all encompassed by that right hand.”

“How do you know I use my right hand?  I could use my left.”

“When it comes to jacking off I think it’s best to be ambidextrous,” smiled Willy. 

“You know what I like about you, Vani?” asked Cavity.  “You’re so honest about your lack of experience.  Most guy virgins are all like, I’ve fucked a million chicks when it’s so obvious that they’re like, total cherries.  I mean not cherries but… no offence Cerise.”

Cerise raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Yeah,” agreed Sarah.  “It’s good that you’re so cool about it.  Jay was pretty good too.  It was cute when we did it the first time.  He was scared shitless.  Remember, Jay?”

Seriously?  She wasn’t even smiling or anything.  She was obviously trying to embarrass him.  What a bitch.

“Ugh, TMI,” said Karine with a grin. 

“No, let’s hear more about little virgin Jay,” smiled Willy, all dripping with grossness and evilness. 

“Let’s hear more about how he was scared,” grinned Vani.

“Like you’re not fucking petrified!”

“Hey, make no mistake, I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with myself.”

“See?  Honest,” beamed Cavity.  “But like, much as the cute virgin thing is like, well cute, I just want a guy who knows what he’s doing.”

Jay couldn’t help but snicker as Vani deflated visibly.

“Yeah, that’s the great thing about Terry.  He knows exactly…” Cerise trailed off.  “I mean, nevermind.”

“No!  I wanna know what Terry can do!” said Cavity and her stupid face.

“Maybe this is a conversation for later,” giggled Karine.

“No fair!  I wanna know what Terry does too!” squealed Vani.

Willy grinned.  “Panties, panties, panties, panties!”