Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act V

            Shauna managed to get herself to her feet and she ran away from the Glue Sniffers, who were apparently too embroiled in a fight with one another to notice her escape.  Her run was more of a stumble but soon enough she was home.
            She walked in the back door but her mother still pounced on her.  Fortunately she didn’t have any visible bruises for her mother to notice, at least not yet. 
            “My god, Shauna, what happened to your clothes?  You’re all wet, you reek of alcohol!” she raged.  “Are you drunk?”
            “No, there was a bottle of vodka in the backroom and it spilled on me while I was stacking books.”  She was pleased with how quickly she’d come up with the lie.
            “Why was there a bottle of vodka in the backroom?”
            “I dunno mom, can I just go to bed.  I’m tired.”
            “Is Angela Simon some sort of alcoholic?”
            “I don’t know mother!  I’ve never seen her drink, so I doubt it.  Maybe some random customer gave it to her.  Some of the regulars do that, they give her gifts for no reason.”  That much was true.
            “Well, I hope she doesn’t expect you to pay the dry cleaning bill!  Are those grass stains?”
            “I fell outside, coming up the walk.  I was taking a shortcut on the grass.”
            “I’ve told you a million times not to walk on the lawn, Shauna!  You know how your father gets!  He doesn’t want it trampled!”
            “I know, I’m sorry!”
            “Well go shower and change before your father sees you!”
            That had gone pretty well.  But it had been agony trying to stand upright without cradling her stomach.  When she got undressed she found a bruise developing on her abdomen and a few along her ribs.  She showered and tossed her wet clothes into a plastic bag to deal with later. 
            She went straight to bed and decided to risk a cigarette in the house.  Just this once.
            “So how’s Cerise doing?” asked Karine.
            “Good,” replied Terry.  “They’re getting good reviews and shit.”
            Brittany was off in the sandbox, getting dirty as usual. Terry didn’t mind when she got dirty but Vicky always threw a shit fit about it so he’d have to get Britt home early enough to give her a bath before her mother got back from work.  It was Terry’s day off and he sort of resented having to spend it babysitting but at least Karine had taken the day too to keep him company.  Once they were done with Britt they’d head to the bakery to hang with the gang. 
            “That’s cool,” said Karine, stretching her legs out in the sun.  “And you’re ok with her being shacked up with four dudes?”
            “Yeah, it’s no big deal.  I trust her.”
            Karine chuckled slightly and he gave her a look but she just smiled.
            “Ok fine, yeah, it kinda bugs me,” he admitted.  “But whatever, she’s having fun.”
            “Yeah,” Karine nodded.  “Remember how when you first started going out with her back in high school, how like Erica and them gave you a hard time?”
            Terry snorted with derision.  “Yeah, Erica and them.  You were just peachy keen about it.”
            “Nice use of the term ‘peachy keen’.”  Karine giggled.
            He glared at her and she admitted that she’d been kinda bitchy about Cerise back then too.
            “So what’s your fucking damage against her now?” he asked, hoping they didn’t have to go through this old battle again.
            “God!  Nothing!  Fuck!  Seriously.   I was just kinda wondering… how did you put up with it?  We gave you so much shit.  Why did you stay with her?”
            “’Cause I liked her,” he said matter-of-factly.  Like duh.

            Tonight they were playing in a pub in a suburb of Toronto, some place Cerise couldn’t even remember the name of.  Cerise always dreaded getting into Bernie’s van when it was her turn to sit in the back with all the overflowing equipment.  She made a little nest for herself with some pillows but it was still highly uncomfortable back there.  
            She sat with her legs bent, clutching a bottle of nail polish between her knees. 
It was risky to do one’s nails in a moving vehicle but Toronto traffic was so intense that she knew it’d be a relatively smooth ride.  Whenever Bernie advanced she’d freeze and then when he stopped she’d paint a nail.  It was a pretty good system. 
            She had a new colour: cerulean blue and as she worked she listened to the boys argue about Star Wars.  Bernie was convinced that the true path was that of the Sith and Jedis were total pussies.  This seemed to rather offend Tom and Lloyd. 
            “Play the fucking game, dude,” said Bernie.  Apparently if they were to play Star Wars online they would understand his point.
            “That reminds me, we can’t forget to go to the Star Wars identity thing when we get home,” noted Tom.
            Jeff was in the seat in front and across from Cerise.  She could feel him watching her but she didn’t want to say anything for fear of making things even more awkward.  So she finished her nails and then flapped her hands around to dry them, finally looking up. Sure enough he was full-on staring at her.
            So as not to ruin her nails she gingerly picked up a magazine lying on the floor and threw it at him. 
            “Bitch!” he laughed, tossing the magazine back.
            “Watch out for my nails!  They’re wet!”
            “That the only thing that’s wet?”
            “Don’t be gross,” she groaned.
            “Can’t help it, that’s the way I’m wired,” he grinned.
            “Don’t act so proud of it,” she counselled. 

            “But we made fun of Cerise all the time.  Even to her face,” said Karine.
            Brittany!” screamed Terry.  “Don’t push that boy!”
            Britt turned to look at Terry and stuck out her tongue at him.  Terry sighed and Karine decided she’d never have kids.  “And we made fun of you too,” she went on.
            “So what?” said Terry.  “Like I can’t take a little ribbing?  Some people are just worth it, Karine.”
            “Right.  So you’d go out with anyone, no matter how lame they were, as long as you liked them?”
            “Would you shut the fuck up?” he said angrily but quietly so as not to attract the attention of all the soccer moms and nannies.  “Cerise isn’t lame.  Why can’t you just…”
            “I’m not talking about Cerise!” she interrupted.  “God!  Not everything is about you and your little girlfriend!”
            “Then what the fuck are you talking about?” he grumbled.
            “Do you think it’s snobby to have standards when it comes to who you’ll date?”
            He sighed and looked at her square in the face.  “You’re gonna have to spell this out for me, Karine ‘cause I’m not catching your vibe.”
            She sighed too.  It was so annoying how Terry just didn’t get nuance.  “Would you go out with someone you always thought was a total loser just because they make you laugh and you feel safe with them?”
            A grin slowly crept up on his lips.  “Who the hell are you into?”
            “No one!  It’s hypothetical!”
            “Yeah right.  Which one of those fucking dorks are you jonesing for?” he laughed.
            “No one!” she insisted, perhaps a little too forcefully.
            “Oh shit!  This is gonna be so good!” he cackled.  “I am gonna get you back so good for all the shit you ever gave me!”
            “Terry!” she whined, knowing she sort of deserved it.  God, she was seriously such a loser.
            “Is it Vani?  ‘Cause you know, even though he’s short, he’s kind of a cool guy.”
            “Eww, Terry.  It’s no one.  No one you know.”
            “So there is some lame-ass guy you’re into.”
            “No!  You’re the only lame-ass guy I’ve ever been into,” she grumbled.
            “Yeah, I always knew you wanted me,” he smirked, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back on the bench.  God, he was so irritating. 

            “What?” Cerise asked in irritation.
            “What, what?” Jeff replied with a smile.
            “You’re watching me!”
            “It’s annoying.”
            “Sorry,” he smiled without turning to face front.
            “You’re still doing it,” she sighed.
            “Sorry,” he grinned.
            She rolled her eyes and flipped through the random magazine but it was boring and he kept staring so she tossed it aside and glared at him.  He smiled and crawled out of his seat, joining her in the back of the van even though there really wasn’t room for both of them.  She frowned and tried to inch away from him but he sat practically on top of her.
            “What are you doing?” she asked in a mild panic, completely unsure of what to do.
            “Nothing,” he smiled.
            “You’re on me!” she pushed him away and he laughed as he leaned in towards her.
            She lightly punched him in the chest and then hit a little harder and he grabbed her hand, then leaned in for a kiss.  She recoiled and hit her head on the side of the van.  “Fuck, ow!”
            “Sorry,” he said, this time with sincerity.
            “What the fuck are you trying to do?” she asked.
            “I’m just trying, I dunno,” he sighed, inching a bit away from her, but still too close for comfort.  “I mean I know you have a boyfriend.”
            “Yeah, I do.  And he would probably punch you in the face for doing this shit.”
            “Wow, he sounds like a real charmer.”
            Cerise sighed.  “Can you just fucking get off me now?”
            “Listen, I’m just saying…”
            “My nails are ruined now.”  Her right had was ok but the index finger on her left was all scuffed up.  She’d have to redo it.  Or just live with it.  Whatever.
            “But just for the record,” Jeff went on.  “Let’s say you didn’t have a boyfriend.  Would you be interested?”
            Oh god, was he seriously putting her in this position?  How awkward and inappropriate.  “I dunno, Jeff,” she said because an outright rejection seemed too harsh.
            Jeff smiled.  “Well maybe… I mean, maybe you could think about it.  I mean, if you ever break up with Terry… not that you would but… if you ever do… maybe you could… think about it and uh… let me know.”
            She nodded with a pained smile that probably looked more like a frown.
            “I mean just so you know,” he said as he finally crawled back to his seat.  “If you ever break up with him, I’m here.”
            Cerise watched him sit and then looked over to Tom, who sat opposite Jeff.  She couldn’t see his face but he was turned in Jeff’s direction.  Jeff gave him a toothy grin.
            “Are you fucking seriously doing this right in front of me?!” Tom erupted.
            From the front seats Bernie and Lloyd practically choked on their howls of laughter.  Jeff kept grinning and Tom turned around, leaning over his seat to look at Cerise.  She gave him a sympathetic shrug and he asked her if she was ok.
            She nodded and he sighed, turning back to face front.  God, that was like the weirdest, most awkward exchange ever!  Bernie kept laughing as he moved the van forward another inch.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act IV

            Oh god, seriously?  As much as she had welcomed a blast from the past in the form of Andrew Lester, nothing could have horrified Shauna more than seeing the Glue Sniffers again. 
            Her first week at the bookstore had gone as well as could be expected but today as she waited outside the bus stop, Wendy and her two cohorts walked up to her, looking as beat down as ever.
            “Well, well, well,” said the rasta one, still wearing that rasta hat.
            “What do we have here?” snickered the emo looking one.
            “If it isn’t little miss Porta-potty,” laughed Wendy.
            What was she supposed to do?  She could go back inside the bookstore but then they’d know where she worked.  Maybe they already knew.  Maybe they’d been watching her all year, just waiting to pounce.
            The bus arrived and Shauna got on it, confident that they wouldn’t do anything in a public place.  Her confidence proved to be misplaced since they got on the bus as well and sat across from her, making lewd gestures and calling her names.  The other people on the bus ignored everything.
            “I just saw Cerise’s stalker get on a bus with those glue sniffers from high school,” said Vani as he wiped down a table in the bakery.
            “Yeah, so?” asked Terry.
            “So remember my party last year?  She had a fight with the lesbian glue sniffer?”
            “Maybe they’re getting back together.”
            “Good,” said Terry.  “Maybe it’ll get her to leave Cerise alone.”
            “I dunno, I think those glue sniffers are a bad influence.  Porta-potty chick doesn’t look like she hangs out in porta-potties anymore.  But those glue sniffers still do.  I’m concerned.”
            Terry laughed.  “Really?”
            “Well no, but it’s been a slow news day,” shrugged Vani. 
            “You broke up with Mike?” asked Janice in horror.  “Why, what’d he do?”
            “He slept with you!” Karine said, handing a patron her ice-cream cone. 
            “What?  No he didn’t!”
            The patron licked her cone and paid and then lingered for a while, no doubt listening to their salacious conversation.
            “Wait, did he?” Janice wondered.  “I don’t remember anything.  Was I high?  What did he say?”
            “I’m just kidding Janice, I know you didn’t sleep with him.”
            The patron walked outside looking disappointed.
            “Ok, but I can now, right?  Now that you’ve broken up?  Or was that a joke too?”
            “No, it’s real.  I texted him last night.  I’m just not into it.”
            “You broke up by text?  Hah!  That hilarious.  Ok, I’ll be his shoulder to cry on.  What’s his number again?” she asked, taking out her phone.
            “Oh don’t bother, he’s no good,” Karine shrugged.
            “Anyone can learn in the hands of Janice the great!”  Janice paused.  “But you know, I’ve seen that a couple times.  Where like a totally hot guy ends up being shitty in bed.”
            “Yeah, and I’m wondering if it goes both ways,” Karine shrugged.
            “What do you mean?”
            “Like what if a guy you think is a total nerd is actually a good lover.”
            “Oh yeah, it can happen… wait, which one of those dorks are you into?!”
            “I’m not into any of them.  I’m just theorizing,” Karine insisted.
            “Oh my god, it’s not the fat one is it?  He has baby dick!  It’s not the short one.  Is it the robot dude?  It’s the one with the hair, isn’t it?”
            “It’s no one!”
            “Hilarious!” Janice cackled.
            A soccer mom and her kids came in and Karine served them, hoping Janice would drop it but once they were gone she was back on the subject.
            “That guy totally has an afro, a white guy afro.  A jewfro!  He’s like a skinny Jonah Hill or Seth Rogen.”
            “Those guys are funny.”
            “But so not hot.”
            “You’d so fuck either one of them!”
            “Yeah, but only ‘cause they’re famous,” said Janice.  “Everyone thinks I’m some big slut who’ll fuck anything that moves but they couldn’t be more wrong.  I have standards, Karine.  I don’t just sleep with any old loser.  I sleep with guys like Mike.  Athletes, musicians….”
            “Drug dealers,” Karine snarked.
            “I’ve actually never slept with a drug dealer.  I’ve slept with guys who were carrying.  ‘Cause they were way hot.  Anyway I wouldn’t sleep with that Jewfro guy.  He’s a total loser.”
            “You don’t even know him.”
            Janice smirked at Karine.  “Hilarious.”
            “I’m not even into him!” Karine insisted.
            “Uh huh.”
            “Ok, so you’ll hang out with the guys, but you won’t fuck them?!”
            Janice looked at Karine, all amusement gone from her face.  “I hang out with you and I hang out with Terry.  And Cassie’s ok and even those band guys Cerise hangs out with.  The guitarist anyway.  But no, I don’t really hang out with those nerds.  I have standards, Karine.  And so should you.”
            “Have you always been this much of a snob?” Karine asked in surprise.
            “Hey, I don’t judge.  Everyone can do whatever they want.  So you do what you gotta do.  But you gotta live with the consequences too.”
            “Meaning what?”
            “Meaning if that’s the league you wanna run in, fine.  But just be aware that you would be stepping down a peg.  That’s all I’m saying.  Who you fuck determines who you will fuck.  I don’t fuck Willy baby-dick Watts in the hopes of getting with Terry next.  No, I sleep with Mike in the hopes of getting Terry next.  That’s how it works.”
            Karine was stunned silent.  It was kind of a good point.

            The dressing rooms at John Abbott were co-ed so Cerise had long ago gotten used to changing in front of boys but somehow it was different with the guys from Parisses Squares.  Whenever they had a hotel room she locked herself away in the bathroom to make her transformation into rock star girl.  That’s why the transformation wasn’t so dramatic on days when they didn’t have hotel rooms, but had to change in the van.  She’d usually change in the bathroom of whatever bar they were playing or wait ‘till the guys were out of the van to change.  Sometimes she’d just perform in whatever she’d been wearing that day. 
            She felt silly being so private about it, after all she’d gotten pretty close to her band mates and they were basically like brothers.  She honestly didn’t care if they saw her in her bra but she couldn’t forget what Terry had said about Jeff being into her.  She didn’t want to encourage his affections, if indeed such affections existed, which they probably didn’t. 
            Then again, maybe they did.  Maybe all the guys were sort of into her.  When she emerged from the bathroom that day she searched their motel room high and low and couldn’t find her shoes anywhere.  Finally she found them under the bed and had to get down on her hands and knees to fetch them.  She was struggling to reach them when she heard the boys snickering and turned her head to see them all staring at her polka-dotted undies clad ass, which was on full display thanks to her short skirt. 
            “You guys are such pervs!” she yelled, throwing the shoes in their direction. 
            They all laughed and tossed the shoes back at her and she was annoyed and embarrassed but also a little bit flattered.  Maybe they would have snuck a peak at any girl and it had nothing to do with her in particular but if they went to the trouble of hiding her shoes then they must have thought her worth checking out. 
            Funny how she could get a guy as cute as Terry and still feel insecure about her looks.  But everyday as she dabbed on her lip gloss she wondered if she should be wearing more makeup.  Was she ugly without it?  Was her skin too pale?  Too freckled?  Her hair too drab?  Her tummy too fat?
            Speaking of Terry, she was really starting to miss him.  At first it had been fun to be on the road and she almost felt bad because she didn’t miss home more but now the homesickness was really starting to sink in.  She missed her bed and her kitchen and the gang but most of all she missed Terry.  They spoke every day but it just wasn’t the same as being with him.  She longed to feel his warm embrace, his hands on her skin, his tongue on her… ok, she was totally getting horny now and that was way awkward.  Come to think of it, didn’t boys masturbate every day?  When and where were they doing it?  One time Lloyd had managed to hook up with a groupie of sorts but what about the others?  Were they doing it when they showered?  Had they done it in the van?  How gross.  Though she had to admit to herself that she would totally hook up with Terry in the van if that was a possibility. 
            The laptop was still on so she quickly logged on and wrote him a quick love note and then closed the computer.  On to the show!

            Terry’s phone buzzed in his pocket.  He smiled as he read Cerise’s email.  She was so cute.  Her emails had gotten progressively more sentimental as time went by.  He was glad to know she missed him as much as he missed her.
            “Sand attack!”
            Terry sputtered as a bucketful of sand was dumped on his lap, much of it flying into his face.  “Fuck!” he yelled.
            Brittany cackled and ran back to the sandbox.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” she repeated.
            Goddammit.  Terry stood up and brushed the sand off his clothes.  He knew he should go discipline her but he just didn’t have the energy right now.  And the moms in the park were glaring at him, whispering to each other, probably about how he’d cursed in front of a bunch of kids.  A minute ago they’d all been watching him lustfully and he’d been trying to decide which one to come on to and what kind of lessons a MILF might teach him.  Well, fuck all those bitches.  They were probably all stretched out and saggy anyway. 
            God, he was hard up.

            Jay drove Cassie home and then went back to the bakery only to find the gang was dispersing for the night. 
            “Hey, Jay, feel like giving me a lift?” asked Karine.
            At first Jay was annoyed because he’d just driven in that direction!  Like Karine couldn’t have asked for a lift ten minutes earlier?!  But then he realized the implications of this request.  Karine had never, ever asked him for a lift before.  She wanted to be alone with him!

            Two weeks with a job was pretty awesome.  Shauna still wasn’t that great with the cash register; she’d figured out how it worked but was pretty slow with transactions.  But she’d figured out the inventory system and was even adding to it, putting in little annotations like Cerise had been doing before she’d gone.
            She didn’t like interacting with customers and whenever Trista was around she left that to her but every so often she had no choice.  She was really bad at remembering where stuff was and especially bad with the French customers.  Her French was totally shitty and she knew it.
            But she was good at helping Ms. Simon in the back room, with the sorting and stacking and counting.  She helped her pack away old stuff and unpack new stuff.  That part was even kind of fun.  And Ms. Simon said she was doing a good job!  It was completely amazing.
            To celebrate she told her mom she was working late and went out for a drink at Clyde’s.  There were a few guys looking at her in the bar and she considered hooking up with them but decided not to.  What was the point?  Life was too good right now to be doing stupid stuff.

            “And that’s why I feel, if I were to take over the world through the power of my kung-fu I’d probably have to take a few kung-fu lessons first.  ‘Cause I mean, if those movies have taught me anything, it’s that if your kung-fu’s just no damn good then your kung-fu’s just no damn good.” 
            Jay knew he was rambling but it felt weird to be driving in silence.  Besides, Karine was totally giggling at his antics, which was awesome.
            “I’ll keep that in mind next time I think about taking over the world through the power of kung-fu,” she said.
            “Your kung-fu’s just no damn good, Karine.  It’s just no damn good!”
            “I’ll show you who’s no damn good!  Hiya!” She karate chopped him on the shoulder and he laughed, trying not to swerve the car.
            Shit.  They were at her place.  That had been the fastest drive in the history of forever.  “Once again it becomes clear that my kung-fu is just no damn good,” he sighed, turning to look at her.
            “Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all,” she said, undoing her seatbelt.
            “Or in my case, any.”
            “Gimme a break, you’re not that much of a loser.”
            “Oh yeah?” he asked.
            “Well I hear good things about you from Cassie.”
            “Oh yeah?” he said with surprise.
            “I broke up with Mike,” she announced, totally just sitting in the car and not making any moves to get out.
            “Oh?” he said, his voice squeaking a little.  He coughed to get it under control.  “That’s cool.  I mean that’s too bad.”
            “No, you were right the first time.  Mike was a dip-wad.”
            Jay laughed and Karine smiled.  Fuck, she was gorgeous.

            Shauna walked home smoking a cigarette and sort of knew someone was following her but didn’t want to be all presumptuous and turn around.  What if they weren’t following her but were just going in the same direction and she was being a total tool?  But what if they were following her?  What if it was Andrew Lester and he totally wanted to be her boyfriend because she had a job now and was like a normal person?
            She crossed the street randomly and turned her head as she went, trying to be casual about it.  Oh shit.  It was them. 
            Should he kiss her?  Should he do anything?  What the fuck was he supposed to do?!
            “Well thanks for the lift,” Karine smiled, still making no motions to leave the car.
            “My pleasure,” he said weakly.
            “I bet,” she grinned flirtatiously.  Jay was almost certain she was flirting with him!  “So exactly how good are things going with you and Cassie?”
            “Um, Uh, I uh… s’good.  I mean, not really that good.  Just sort of… I mean… if you… I mean, if I… uh…” he stammered.
            “Yeah, that’s what I figured,” she smiled.  “See you later, Jay.”
            She hopped out of the car and he watched her skip into her house.  What the fuck?!  Had he totally missed his chance?  Should he have kissed her or asked her out or something?  Maybe he had to break up with Cassie first.  But what if Karine was just teasing him, like she’d done at grad last year?  What if it was all a joke?  Should he let go of Cassie just for the possibility of hooking up with Karine?  Yeah, probably.

            Shauna tried not to panic but before she could even think Wendy and her glue sniffing friends were upon her. 
            “Hey,” said rasta dude.
            Shauna ignored him and quickened her pace.
            “Hey,” he grabbed her arm.  “No need to be rude.  We just wanna make friends.”
            She exhaled smoke into his face but he didn’t even flinch.  He just smiled and pulled on her arm.  She walked with them as they headed to the water.  Oh shit, were they gonna push her in?  Maybe she should be friendly with them.  Maybe she should try to come on to the guys.  Her newfound hooking-up skills shouldn’t go to waste. 
            The grass was slightly damp as they walked across the park near the shore.  Shauna worried that her fancy work shoes would get ruined.  The park was deserted but this was still a public space.  There were streetlamps everywhere.  It wasn’t dark enough for them to try anything, was it?  They stopped at a bench overlooking the lake.  It was under a tree and there were a lot of bugs swirling around.
            “So you gonna try something?” Shauna asked, trying to sound brave.
            “What do you want me to try?” rasta guy chuckled.
            She wrenched her arm free and faced them.  All three of them grinned at her and Wendy was drinking from a bottle of Vodka.
            “Want some?” Wendy asked, holing up the bottle.
            “No.”  Shauna knew better.
            If she tried to walk away they’d just grab her or something.  Maybe hit her over the head with the bottle.  So she stepped towards rasta guy.  He stood his ground.  She grabbed his head with her hands and planted a kiss on his mouth.  Wendy and emo guy burst into laughter and rasta guy pushed her away.
            “Whoa, you totally just kissed that skank!” emo guy laughed.
            Rasta guy seemed stunned for a moment but then his fist came out of nowhere and impacted Shauna’s stomach.  She doubled over and fell to the wet grass.  They all laughed and called her names as they kicked her a few more times.  Wendy poured vodka over her until emo guy chastised her for wasting it.  She said it wouldn’t be a waste once they lit her on fire but emo guy’s reason prevailed and he told Wendy to stop being such a fucking cunt.  She got pissed at him and they argued while Shauna crawled away.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act III

            Karine walked on to the BYC lawn looking resplendent.  She had on a dress, kinda like the dresses Sarah and Cassie were wearing except theirs had flowers and shit and Karine’s was just black.  She looked way hot. 
            Vani was with her, which was weird.  He looked short next to everybody but especially next to Karine, who was like supermodel tall.  Jay was glad he was taller.  Karine would never date a guy who was shorter than her. 
            “Hey, where’s Terry?” asked Sarah as she placed a lei around Karine’s neck. 
            “Babysitting his little sister.”
            “Shouldn’t that be his dad’s job?” asked Sarah.
            “I know, right?”
            “Parental unit fail!” hollered Vani, raising his arms in the air.
            “It’s sad that his parents suck,” pouted Cassie. 
            “So this is exciting,” noted Karine, looking around.  “Same decorations as last year I see.”
“Yeah, pretty lame,” giggled Sarah, twirling her plastic ley.
            “Wouldn’t want to break with tradition,” said Karl.
            The club was indeed decorated just as half-assedly as ever.  The deck was flooded with old people being old and the lawn was covered with kids being kids.  The gang had managed to find a picnic table to occupy.  Karl and Jay were working as bus boys but they seemed to find this particular picnic table in constant need of bussing.  Jay was a bit annoyed that Sarah and her boyfriend were allowed to be guests even though they were employees.  Apparently sailing instructors were like on a superior level to bosuns.  But as long as he and Karl occasionally carried a plate to the clubhouse the kitchen staff basically left them alone.
            “Speaking of breaking our brains with eye-searing nastiness, you guys just missed Mr. Boucher doing the limbo,” chuckled Jay.
            “Seriously?  Didn’t he learn his lesson from last year?” asked Karine. 
            “Oh, the lesson was in no way learned,” smiled Jay.  “He bent back way far.”
            “All the way far,” said Willy.  “Like all the way.  There was package viewage.”
            “Gross!” exclaimed Karine.
            “It was significant,” nodded Karl.  “There may have been spillage.”
            “Total spewage!” said Willy, miming a geyser of semen erupting from a phantom phallus.  “He was like pshhhhhhhhh…”
            “Ewww!” shrieked Cassie, covering her eyes.  She was such a delicate flower.
            Furry Jenn on the other hand was whatever the opposite of a delicate flower was ‘cause she bent down in front of Willy’s phantom cocked and pretended to drink from it.  Sarah and Karine’s eyes grew wide and they exchanged a look of pure horror.  They all got quiet except for Willy who was laughing his ass off.  Cassie uncovered her eyes and about passed out when she saw what Furry Jenn was doing.
            It was pretty funny but Jay didn’t want to laugh because Cassie might give him shit.  But he secretly sort of wanted her to watch for pointers because in all honesty she wasn’t really the best at blowjobs. 

            “Oh my god!”  Cerise exclaimed.
            “What?” asked Jeff.
            “I’m not showing you,” said Cerise, hiding her phone from his view.
            “What?” he insisted, jumping off the bed and attacking her.
            “Kids, if I have to tell you to stop fighting one more time, I’m turning this car around!” yelled Bernie.  He said that every day but it was especially funny now since they were actually in a hotel room. 
            Jeff grabbed the phone out of Cerise’s hand and looked at it quizzically.  “I don’t get it.  Is he like, sucking an invisible cock?”
            “Pretty much,” nodded Cerise.  “Except he is a she.”
            “Eww sick, child porn!” Jeff exclaimed, passing the phone to Lloyd.
            “How old is this girl?” Lloyd wondered.
            “She’s fifteen and she’s a spaz,” explained Cerise.  “I think she’ll do anything for attention.”
            “Hmm, sounds like someone I should get to know,” grinned Bernie.
            “You guys are so gross!” Cerise snatched back her phone and texted Sarah her shock at the situation.
“So how come you never do that when I spray my jizz in your face?” asked Jeff with a grin.
            Cerise made a noise of disgust and threw her shoe at Jeff.  He grunted as he got it in the stomach but she’d been aiming for his head.

            “Yeah, real sorry I missed that one,” said Terry as he looked at the pic of Jenn and Willy going at it amidst a sea of children and geriatrics.
            “Missed what?” asked Britt, trying to see his phone.
            Terry quickly changed the picture to one of a puppy that he always kept on standby.
            “You always look at da doggy,” Britt said in disappointment. 
            “Just eww, like seriously, eww.  I don’t understand why we hang out with her,” said Cassie with extreme disgust.
            Karine nodded.  She and the girls had gone to the bathroom together to bitch about Jenn and her total losertude.
            “Well to play devil’s advocate I mean, yeah Jenn is gross,” said Sarah.  “But are the guys any better?  They all do that phantom cock thing all the time and we always laugh.”
            “Seriously, why is that their new thing?” asked Karine.  “Even Terry was doing it today.  With Vani at the bakery.”
            “I think their boss is a bad influence on them,” said Cassie.
            “I think that’s just how guys are at a certain age.  Or maybe all ages, I don’t know,” shrugged Sarah. 
            “Yeah I guess,” nodded Cassie.
            “So if we’re gonna let them get away with it we should also let Jenn get away with it, ‘cause otherwise it’s sexist,” said Sarah.
            “No, actually, ‘cause they do it for different reasons,” explained Karine.  “When the guys do it they’re challenging each other’s homophobia.  They’re testing each other’s limits and trying to be funny.  Whether they succeed is another question but the goal is humour.  When Furry Jenn does it she’s trying to be sexy.  She’s not in on the joke.  She’s the butt of the joke.”
            “Yeah,” Sarah nodded.  “Should we explain that to her?  ‘Cause seriously, I’m starting to feel bad for her.  I mean she’s acting like such a ho!”
            “She is a ho!” insisted Cassie.  “She’s worse than Janice.”
            “That’s the thing, Janice does it with self-awareness,” said Karine.  “I’m not sure to what extent Jenn knows what she’s doing.”
            “She wishes she were a porn star,” grumbled Cassie.
            “Oh come on now,” smiled Karine.  “Even porn stars have a bit of class.”
            They all laughed but then Cassie angrily confessed that she hated Furry Jenn.
            “Whoa!  That almost sounds like jealousy,” snickered Karine.  “You think Jay is into her?”
            “No!” said Cassie, protesting too much.
            Karine just smirked.  In truth she had no idea if Jay was falling for Furry Jenn’s games but Cassie’s freak-out was kind of amusing.
            “Where is Janice anyway?” asked Sarah.  “I thought she was coming tonight.”
            “She’s out bar hopping with Mike.”
            “Yeah, where’s Mike tonight?” asked Cassie.
            “Bar hopping with Janice.  They thought it’d be more fun than old people in Hawaiian shirts.”
            “Well they were clearly wrong,” grinned Sarah.  “I for one am glad I didn’t miss this show.”
            “You’re ok with Mike hanging out with Janice?” asked Cassie.
            “Well I said I’d go with them,” Karine shrugged.  “But I decided this would be more fun.  Who knows, I might still join them later on.”
            “Yeah but, I mean, you trust them not to like…”
            “Hook up?”
            “Yeah,” nodded Cassie.
            Karine thought about it for a moment.  “I don’t think I care.”
            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine in confusion. 
            “So give us the deets on the jiggedy jigg,” said Vani, hindering Jay’s attempt to stack plates into a kitchen bin.  Every time Jay put in a plate Vani would take one out.  Willy tried to play the same trick with Karl but then Karl dumped the remainder of a water glass over Willy’s head and hilarity ensued.
            “The jiggedy jigg on what?”
            “The jigg on the jig!  You claim jiggedyness and yet offer no infographics!”
            “But what’s the jigg?” asked Jay.
            “Since when do I have to translate for you?” asked Vani in irritation. 
            “Fuck, I dunno, since I got used to Cassie speak.”
            “Mmm,” nodded Vani. “High-octave in frequency and frequent in number.  It is exactly this subject of which I speak.  Have you learned intimate knowledge of Cavity’s special cavity, lain with her in the biblical sense, spread your seed upon her garden?!  I demand flowcharts!” 
            Jay sighed.  “Yeah, we’ve jigged.  So what? I should make a tumblr?”
            “At the very least,” nodded Vani.  “Inquiring minds want to know.”

            “You don’t care?” asked Sarah.
            “I dunno.  Let’s say Mike and Janice slept together,” shrugged Karine.  “I mean, shock?  Not really.  Janice has basically stated her intentions of doing just that.  And Mike is a player.  Maybe they’ve already fucked.  Hmm, I should get an STD test.”
            “Gross,” said Cassie.  “How can you not even care?”
            “Well I guess I care but the thing is Janice would tell me if they fucked.  So I’d just dump him.  Maybe I’ll dump him anyway.
            Sarah nodded and rested her hand on Karine’s arm.  “It’s good to know you’re finally learning to commit to a relationship.”
            They all laughed and Karine rolled her eyes.  “Oh haha.  I went out with Steven for almost like four years.  I don’t have commitment issues.  I have boredom issues.”
            “So Mike’s not doing it for you?” asked Cassie with sympathy.
            Karine was annoyed at Cassie’s apparent pity and Sarah’s jibe had kind of hurt.  Maybe she was totally fucked up.  After all, the common denominator in all her crappy relationships was her so if she was unable to find contentment with a guy then she was clearly doing something wrong. 
            Sarah seemed to sense Karine’s self-doubt and suggested she simply had high-standards.
            Karine regarded her friends.  “Well I mean, are you guys saying your relations are like, true love?”

            “So give us the deets!”  Willy echoed Vani’s words.  “I’ll give you the deets on me and Jenn.”
            “Oh my god!” Furry Jenn cackled.
            “No need to give us nightmares,” said Karl, walking off to the kitchen with a bin full of dishes.
            “Actually yeah, I do want deets,” said Vani.
            “She likes it doggy-style, don’t cha baby?” Willy smacked Jenn’s ass as she bent over the picnic table.
            Jay looked around, hoping no old people were watching.  Had Jenn always been this horrifying or was it only since she’d started allegedly sleeping with Willy? Jay followed Karl to the clubhouse with the others in tow.
            “So Jay-bird, give me deets.  Before Cavity comes back!”
            “I dunno Vani, what do you want?  We did stuff.”
            “You’re not bragging,” complained Vani.  “I thought for sure you’d give me reason to hate you by being all pompous and shit.  But Willy has utterly stolen your thunder in that department and I can’t even hate him ‘cause he’s so over the top about it, clearly fibbing in every way possible.
            “I’m not lying!” said Willy.  “I’ll take her right here if you want proof!”
            Furry Jenn giggled but with less certainty than usual.
            “No but seriously, Jay,” said Vani, placing a hand on Jay’s shoulder when he emerged from the kitchen with an empty bin.  “Methinks you are less than enamoured of she who causes tooth decay.”
            “Yeah,” Jay shrugged.  “I mean, you know, appropriate amounts of gratefulness are present on my part.  You know, she’s female and everything.  She lets me put my penis in her vagina.  It’s just, you know…” he trailed off.
            “Yes,” said Vani. “It’s tough out there for a pimp.  That’s why I choose to stay celibate.”
            “Yes, choose.  Indeed,” nodded Karl.
            Jay shrugged and went on.  “I dunno, she’s just very…. Lalalalalala!”  He waved his arms around frantically.
            “One might accuse you of being rather lalalalalala yourself,” said Vani, waving his arms around with equal veracity.
            “Indeed,” nodded Karl.  “I never noticed any particular coo-coo for coco puffs behaviour from her.  I would say you’re the problem in this equation.”
            “I’m not saying she’s crazy,” said Jay.  “Just very high energy.”
            Karl smirked.  “Pot, kettle, I trust you’re aware of each other’s blackness.”
            “Jay’s not even high energy anymore,” said Vani.  “He used to be up for crazy antics but now he’s always moping and complaining about exams or work or whatever.  You’re like the oldest teenager ever.”
            “Maybe Cavity sucks all of Jay’s energy into herself,” suggested Karl.  “She’s a succubus!”
            “Cool!” exclaimed Vani.  “You’re the first one in the group to date a succubus!  I trust you’ll document the experience.  Papa Winchester style.  Like in a tattered leather diary, with pictures and stuff and newspaper articles sticking out.  Oooh, scrapbooking project!”  He cooed while waving jazz hands.
            “But you know what the bigger issue is though really?” asked Karine.
            “What?” asked Sarah and Cassie in unison.
            “He’s no good in bed.”
            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine, nodding. 
            “He’s ok, I mean not terrible.  But every guy I’ve been with since Steven has been a disappointment.”
            “So Steven was really good?” asked Sarah.
            Karine thought about it.  Had Steven been good?  Or was it just that the Asshole had ruined her for sex?  Maybe she’d never be able to have good sex again because she was blocked now, always a little bit afraid.  Then again, way before the Asshole incident she’d slept with some rando in a bar and it hadn’t been anything special.  Maybe Steven really was the best lover she’d ever have, which totally sucked because she wasn’t really that into him.
            “Maybe you should get back together with him,” suggested Sarah.  “I bet he’d still be into you.”
            “But I’m not into him.”
            “Who are you into?” asked Sarah, with perhaps a knowing look. 
            “Chris Hemsworth,” Karine replied with a grin.
            “Oh my god, so much!” exclaimed Cassie.  “I wish Avengers had focused more on Thor.”
            “More specifically shirtless Thor,” giggled Karine.
            “Did he take off his shirt in that Huntsman movie?” asked Sarah.  “I don’t even remember.  Oh, you know what we should do?  We should go see that male stripper movie with Channing Tatum!”
            “I love the Charming Tatertot!” squealed Cassie.

            “Ugh, ugh,” said Willy as he thrust his crotch at Vani.  “Scrapbook this!”
            “Oh shush, I’ve seen enough of your erections for one night.  Go give it to Furry Jenn.  Apparently she likes that sort of thing.”
            Karl put out his hand in protest.  “Please, I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
            “Ugh!” Willy continued to thrust his groin at them.  “Take it, take it!”
            “I shan’t take it!” hollered Vani.
            “You shall!  Take it like Jenn, right up the pussy, dripping wet with pussy juice, getting ready for my throbbing cock!”
            Karl mimed vomiting so convincingly that Jay thought he might actually do it. 
            “Ugh!  Earmuffs!” yelled Vani, covering his ears.
            “Bend over and take it!” Willy pushed Vani over a table and Vani whimpered in protest.
            Karl took up a knife and pointed it at his chest as Willy humped Vani right there in the BYC clubhouse.  Jay couldn’t help but laugh as Vani cried out for help.

            “So what about you guys?” asked Karine.  “How’s Paul in bed?  How’s Jay?  Hey, you’ve both been with Jay!”
            “Paul’s better than Jay,” smiled Sarah, a bit smugly.
            “Well I think Jay’s good,” said Cassie defensively.  “Maybe he got better since you.”
            Sarah arched an eyebrow.
            “Although I guess sometimes it’s awkward,” Cassie admitted.  “Usually we have to do it in his car.”
            “Oh god, I’m so past that shit.”  Karine rolled her eyes.  “I think we all go through that phase where we want to do it in weird places.  Now I’m just like, give me a bed, you know?”
            “Yeah, I wish,” said Cassie.  “But our parents are always home.  So we kind of have no other choice.”
            “Neither of you even own a car,” said Sarah.
            “It’s his mom’s car.  Which is kinda gross when you think about it.
            “Yeah but only when you think about it,” chuckled Karine.
            “But he’s still good,” insisted Cassie.
            “Yeah, he was fine I guess,” said Sarah.  “When I did it with him he was a virgin so he didn’t really know what he was doing.  But he definitely got better over time.”
            “Yeah, he’s gentle but eager, and he does whatever I want.”
            Karine nodded with interest.  Perhaps too much interest.  Was it gross that she was picturing Jason Harris having sex or just gross that she was picturing him having sex with herself?
            “Plus he’s uncircumcised,” shrugged Cassie.  “Which is weird, ‘cause he’s half Jewish but they’re not hardcore about it.  Actually all the guys I’ve been with were uncut, which is weird ‘cause I’m Jewish.  I should try dating a proper Jew to see if it’s different with a cut guy.”
            “It’s no different,” said Sarah with authority
            Now Karine was picturing Jay’s uncircumcised penis.  Would it be too much to ask how big it was?  “Who’s the biggest guy you’ve been with?” she asked indirectly.
            “Paul,” said Sarah decisively.
            “You’re never gonna believe it, but Jonah,” said Cassie.
            “No way!”
            “Does that mean he was unusually large or that Jay has baby dick syndrome?”  Karine couldn’t be subtle anymore.  She had to know.
            “I dunno, what’s the standard?” asked Cassie.
            “Well apparently five and half inches is average but I think that’s way small,” said Karine.
            “Maybe you have a big vagina.”  They all turned to see Furry Jenn standing in the doorway of the washroom.
            “Excuse me?” asked Karine.
            “Well ‘cause like Willy’s dick is only five inches but it’s way big enough for me ‘cause my snatch is tight.”
            “Oh my god!  Willy has a baby dick!” Karine hollered, rushing out of the bathroom and pushing Jenn aside.  She ran into the clubhouse and found Willy humping Vani on a table, who flailed his arms about, trying to get away.
            “What the fuck?!” exclaimed Cassie as she surveyed the scene.  Karl was stabbing himself in the chest with a butter knife but Jay was watching with amusement.
            “Don’t worry Vani, you won’t even feel it!” laughed Karine.  “Jenn just told us that Willy has a baby dick!”  She held up her hand, keeping her thumb and forefinger slightly apart.
            “Baby dick!” Jay hollered, pointing at Willy.
            They all chanted baby dick as Willy shot daggers in Jenn’s direction. 

            Terry was roused from his slumber as his phone beeped next to him.  He read the text and grumbled.  Like he gave a shit that Willy had a baby dick.  Actually, it was pretty funny.  He texted back “lol” and lowered the ringtone on his phone, knowing he didn’t need to set an alarm since Britt would wake him up at the crack of dawn.