“This is great… Ms. Simon…Angela,” said Terry rather awkwardly during Sunday dinner.
Cerise’s mom simply smiled and thanked him for the compliment.
“It was my idea to have fajitas!” gushed Julie.
“Good choice,” chuckled Terry.
Julie giggled and blushed and kept staring at Terry like she’d been doing all evening. It was ridiculous. Cerise and Simone smirked at one another as Julie continued to act like a fool. How completely embarrassing to have one’s little sister going all gaga over one’s boyfriend. Kinda gross too. Julie clearly had a crush on Terry but short of going on the Maury Povich show Cerise wasn’t really sure what to do about it.
“What program are you going into at cegep, Terry?” asked Angela.
“Social. I’m one of those people who just has no idea what he wants to do in life.”
“I bet no matter what you do you’ll be really good at it!” giggled Julie.
Puke.
“Thanks, Jules,” said Terry, actually winking at her.
Double Puke.
“So Cerise, you know how we were saying we should go swimming at my dad’s place some time?”
“Yeah?”
“Well I was thinking of having like, a pool party next weekend. We could invite Sarah and the guys. And Karine’s not working next weekend so…”
“Yeah, that’d be cool,” smiled Cerise.
“Yeah, it could be like a whole thing. I’ll like barbeque and stuff.”
“Sounds fun.”
“Can I come?” asked Julie.
“Chill, Julie. Newsflash: he’s taken!” said Simone in an exaggerated whisper.
“Shut up! I just wanna go swimming, that’s all!”
“You never seemed that enthusiastic about swimming at dad’s place,” smirked Simone.
“Well, you should come,” said Terry kindly. “My little brothers will probably be there so you’ll have someone your own age to hang with.”
Hah! Julie looked rather insulted but recovered quickly.
“You can come too, Simone,” offered Terry.
“Thanks but I’m good,” she said with an amused grin.
“So like, you have brothers?” asked Julie.
“Yeah, Evan is fifteen and Joey is thirteen.”
“Is Evan a lot like you?”
“Well, he’s a bit of a dork actually. Not really worthy of a girl as pretty as you.”
Julie pretty much lost her shit and spazzed all over the place, giggling like a complete Barbie girl. Simone couldn’t help but burst into laughter and even Cerise had to join in even though she was kind of annoyed at Terry for indulging her little sister’s insufferable crush.
More pressing was the idea that she’d now have to go to a pool party, which obviously necessitated wearing a bathing suit in public. Cerise didn’t really have body issues. Not really. She wasn’t plagued by low self-esteem or anything but still, revealing her body to other people wasn’t high on her list of priorities.
She hadn’t even been particularly comfortable swimming at her dad’s place even though the only people present were her own family. Obviously she’d gotten over it once she got used to it, but still. Also there was the fact that she hated outdoor summer activities simply because of the sun. She had to wear sunblock because of her vampire skin and sunblock was totally gross. So in fact the perfectly logical reason she didn’t particularly want to go to a pool party was because it wasn’t advisable from a health perspective.
Not that Terry hadn’t already seen her naked, and he seemed perfectly pleased by her body. But Karine and the boys were gonna come and probably the whole word was bound to show up! Of course, she’d changed for gym a million times in front of Karine and had changed in front of many classmates during the production of Midsummer Night’s Dream so it really wasn’t a big deal. Nothing she hadn’t already dealt with. It wasn’t some sort of insurmountable obstacle or medieval form of torture or anything. And yet…
That night Cerise sighed as she laid out her bathing suits on her bed. The one-piece or the two-piece? Even the two-piece was a tankini so it didn’t reveal too much but there was still the risk of a sliver of abdominal skin showing. And even the once-piece was still obviously skin-tight. Why did girl swim suits have to be so revealing? Boys could wear huge, oversized boxer shorts but girls literally had to walk around in their underwear with everything hanging out! And if one were to decide to skirt convention and wear shorts and a t-shirt one would no doubt be mocked mercilessly. But perhaps she could wear a long shirt and point to the sun as her excuse.
“I could lend you a bikini if you want.”
Cerise turned to see Simone leaning on the doorframe to her bedroom.
“I don’t want to wear a bikini,” said Cerise with perhaps more panic than was necessary.
“Relax. It’s just Terry. I mean he’s seen you, right? Haven’t you guys like, done stuff?”
“Yeah but there’s gonna be other people there too.”
“Who cares what other people think?” asked Simone, coming into Cerise’s room and gently closing the door behind her. “So what have you guys done?”
“Just stuff. Nothing major. I dunno. Why, what have you done?”
“I dunno. Pretty much everything I guess,” shrugged Simone, sitting on Cerise’s bed and flicking aside the one-piece. “This thing is totally fug. You know if you want a cute full coverage suit you can get like a retro one.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen some online,” agreed Cerise. “What’s everything?”
“Well just the standard stuff I guess.”
“With how many people?”
Simone laughed. “Just one at a time!”
“No, I mean…”
“I know what you mean. Just three so far.”
“We haven’t gone all the way yet. What’s it like?”
Simone shrugged. “Not as big of a deal as you think.”
Cerise sighed and picked up her tankini. “Is this thing ugly?”
“It’s ok. I still think the retro thing would work for you. But I guess this is fine.”
“It doesn’t make me look fat?”
“The fact that you’re fat makes you look fat.”
“Simone!”
She chuckled and suggested Cerise wear her bright blue pajama pants because even though they were an affront to the human retina they matched the suit, which was solid blue on the bottom but striped blue, green and yellow on top. And then she could wear a green t-shirt on top and look totally ridiculous, thus creating the optical illusion that she actually looked better without the clothes on.
“You’re so helpful,” snarked Cerise as she pushed Simone out of her room.
The day of the party she put on the tankini and covered up with jeans and a t-shirt. It occurred to her that a sundress would be more appropriate and she should really procure one at some point. She collected her overly enthusiastic spaz of a little sister and had Simone drive them in their mom’s car before she took off to do something more exciting, perhaps to do pretty much everything.
Once they reached Terry’s place Julie actually pressed her hands against the glass of the car window and stared up the house in awe. It was ridiculous. Cerise sighed and opened the door only to have Simone stop her, and push a camera into her hands.
“What’s this for?”
“Preserve the memories.” Simone tried to maintain a deadpan expression but cracked in an instant and giggled as she suggested Cerise take many photos of her hot and shirtless boyfriend.
“Oh come on! Not you too!”
“Oh my god, totally!” Julie grabbed the camera and stuffed it into her beach bag.
“You’re not funny,” grumbled Cerise.
“Yeah I am,” insisted Simone.
“It’s totally gross to lust after your sister’s boyfriend!”
“It’s totally unfair that Terry’s your boyfriend,” pouted Julie. “You don’t even deserve him!”
“God, Julie, what’s wrong with you?”
“So I recharged the battery last night and the card is empty. I expect much documentation,” said Simone, speaking to Julie with authority.
“Oh my god!” shrieked Cerise, jumping out of the car and slamming the door closed as Simone cackled to herself, driving off gleefully.
Finally! Terry had started to worry that maybe Cerise wouldn’t show up. Not that he had any reason to doubt her, but still. She was totally a full ten minutes late. Karine had already been here for hours. Not that he minded hanging out with Karine but for a while there it had seemed like this was going to be more a pool hang out than a proper pool party and Terry really wanted… what exactly did he want? What was the point of this party anyway? They already spent enough time at the yacht club hanging out with Cerise’s army of nerds so why invite everyone over? Was it just an excuse to see Cerise in a bathing suit? The last time they’d hooked up was ages ago and they hadn’t done anything besides kiss since getting back together. It was getting to be pretty frustrating. Terry didn’t want to ruin things by moving too fast but he could barely stand it. If he couldn’t hook up with Cerise at the very least he needed to see her in minimal clothing. And maybe she’d feel less pressured if everyone was around and it was a big group thing. Terry didn’t want to force her to hang out with him alone until he was sure he wasn’t going to screw up their relationship again by saying the wrong thing.
Trying not to look too eager he jumped out of the pool and ran up to her as she walked into his backyard, passing through the door in the tall hedge separating it from the front yard. He could see the strings of her bathing suit poking out from under her t-shirt and was relieved she’d come prepared to swim. If she hadn’t actually wanted to get wet it would have totally sucked.
“Hi Terry!” gushed her little sister.
“Hey,” he replied, giving Cerise a kiss and taking her hand.
“Ahh, you’re all wet!” laughed Cerise, pushing him away.
He forced himself not to turn that into a sexual innuendo and simply apologized for getting water on her. He could tell Jules was checking him out and he flexed all his muscles as he led them to the pool. Was Cerise checking him out too? He couldn’t even tell. She was so hard to peg sometimes. No pun intended, thought Terry, wisely keeping his thoughts of hard pegging to himself.
Cerise sat in a lawn chair in the shade of a tree and said hi to Karine, who lounged in another chair in the sun. Karine smiled and returned the greeting. She was looking super hot today in a white bikini and it was pretty obvious that Evan and Joey were only hanging out to spy on her. Evan was especially indiscreet about it and Terry had been forced to push him into the pool a couple of times already.
Cerise introduced her little sister to Karine and then Jules stripped off her sundress, revealing a black bikini. Damn, she was actually pretty hot. She was skinnier and flatter than Cerise but had that same tiny waist and perky butt. Terry had to remind himself that she was just a kid even though she didn’t look like it. She slid into the water and about two seconds later she and Evan were embroiled in a conversation at the far end of the pool.
“Tell me again why we’re doing this?” asked Jay as he and the boys climbed out of Sarah’s car and walked up to Terry Trebithinksshe’ssocoolbecausehehasapoolsky’s house.
“Because this is Terry Trebichavsky’s house!” exclaimed Vani. “Do you understand the gravity of the situation?! We’re at his house! Like for real!”
“And soon you will be chugging his cock,” smirked Willy.
“Keep your fantasies to yourself, Willy,” advised Karl as he rang the doorbell.
A totally hot blonde woman let them in and directed them to the backyard.
“Duuuude,” hissed Willy. “Did you see that chick? Fucking hot.”
“I bet she’s one of the ladies in Terry’s harem,” mused Vani. “And this, Jay, is why we’re here,” he added once they stepped outside.
“Good point, well made,” admitted Jay.
Karine was totally wearing a white bikini and it was totally on her and it was like totally small and barely there and dear god it might even be transparent if it were to get wet, holy Christ, please let Karine go swimming like right now!
“Don’t leer, you guys. It’s gross,” said Sarah with a sneer.
“Uh, anti-leerage, anti-leerage,” spurted Vani.
Sarah huffed and walked off to join Karine and Cerise.
“Resume leerage.”
The boys returned their collective gaze to Karine’s utter hotness and watched with interest as Sarah took off her dress. She was also wearing a bikini and it was red with black flowers and Jay had to admit that she was looking pretty good.
“I gotta say, Karl, though it pains me to grant you any credit for anything, you are something of a king for managing to snatch Sarah into your web of whatever the hell magical power ensnared her,” said Vani. “She is in possession of significant degrees of hotness.”
“I know, totally,” drooled Willy. “Why the fuck she’s willing to suck your cock is anyone’s guess. Are you like, blackmailing her or something?”
Karl simply shrugged smugly. That stupid, smug bastard.
“So uh, have you guys you know, gotten jiggy?” asked Vani.
“Gotten jiggy?”
“Yeah, you know, done the monkey love dance…”
“Vani, I know what you’re talking about. I’m just incredulous that you would use such a dated euphemism. We were still in diapers when that song came out.”
“Will Smith is timeless,” insisted Vani. “Timeless I say! Have you ever noticed that his kids are named after him and his wife? That family is like a cult. A cult I wanna join. Give Willow
“Gross, Vani! She’s like eight years-old!”
“She’s ten. Which means I’m only seven years older than her. Once we’re both in our twenties it’ll be totally kosher.”
They all stared at Vani in disgust.
“Well at least he’s not talking bout Terry anymore,” shrugged Willy. “Ok so Karl, have you? Fucked Sarah’s brains out?”
“So crass,” said Vani with a shake of his head. “If you’re going to speak about dirty deeds you should at least reference the Smith family in some way.”
“True enough, they really class up the joint,” agreed Jay, beginning to do the Carlton
“So have you?” screeched Willy, attracting the attention of the others and earning a few punches from the rest of them.
“None of your fucking business, you ‘tard!” hissed Karl.
“I’ll take that as a no,” said Willy smugly.
Karl simply shrugged and Vani examined him closely, peering up into his eyes. Karl returned his gaze, unfazed.
“I think he’s gettin’ jiggy,” nodded Vani.
“Like he wouldn’t have told us as soon as it he did it?” scoffed Willy.
“This is Karl we’re talking about,” said Jay. “Not you. Come on, Karl. Inquiring minds want to know.”
“You guys are pathetic,” said Karl with the most superior tone of voice imaginable. So basically just one octave of superiority higher than his usual tone.
“Anti jigginess,” said Willy.
“Jigginess,” said Vani.
Karl shrugged and the corner of his lip curled up ever so slightly. Clearly he was full-on banging Sarah like, constantly. What a fucking asshole.
“Wow,” said Vani with undisguised awe. “Who would’ve thought robo-boy would be the first one to lose his virginity. Crazy-town. I actually would’ve put my money on you, Jay. Too bad when chicks go to grad with you they leave with someone else.”
Willy practically pulled a muscle from his overenthusiastic jeers of laughter and Karl emitted a snort of superiority that seriously made Jay want to rip his eyes out. Why again did Jay hang out with such jerks?
“It actually makes sense when you think about it,” Vani went on. “Karl is tall and blonde, just like Terry. And kinda looking more like him all the time.”
“What?” asked Karl with a furrowed brow.
“I expect when you become a not virgin you get cooler, like Terry.”
“Your mental deficiencies continue to confound me,” sighed Karl.
“But check him out, though! He’s so fucking ripped!”
Willy made slurping noises as he mimed sucking cock and Jay chuckled appreciatively. Vani’s man-love for Terry Trebishitsky was seriously out of hand.
“He’s our age! How does someone our age get so built?” asked Vani, ignoring Willy’s display.
“He’s a jock,” shrugged Karl. “It’s how they are. He prob’ly lifts weights or takes steroids.”
No shit. Terry Shrunkenballssky was clearly on the juice. That explained not only his werewolvian physique but also his evil roid ragey personality.
Vani put his hand to his chin in contemplation. “I think he comes by it naturally. I mean look at his little brothers. Even they’re built. Holy shit, that kid can’t be more than twelve and he actually has a six-pack. What the hell?!”
It was true. This little kid was running around like a total spaz and he was totally ripped. What a family of total dipshits.
“I could never look like that,” said Vani with wonder rather than envy.
“That is correct,” nodded Karl.
“Check it. Terry’s like, 6’3”.”
“Correct.”
“Maybe if I stand next to him some of his coolness will rub off on me.”
“Well I’m sure something will get rubbed,” snarked Willy at the exact same time that Jay said Vani would be the one to do the rubbing.
They high-fived but Vani ignored them and traipsed off to join Terry at the deck table, which was piled high with food.
“Nice spread,” said Vani as he grabbed a handful of chips and stuffed them into his mouth.
“Thanks,” replied Terry with a chuckle. Hangman wasn’t even doing anything particularly funny but there was something about that kid that was just hilarious, no matter what he was up to.
Sarah suggested they go swimming and she and Karine jumped into the pool while the dorks watched them and tried not to drool all over themselves. What a bunch of amateurs. Was Terry the only guy on the planet who’d learned how to ogle chicks without being obvious about it?
Cerise dragged her lounge chair even deeper into the shade and Terry joined her, sitting on the edge of the chair and placing a hand on her ankle.
“So you wanna go swimming?” he asked.
“I’m good here,” she smiled.
“But you must be like totally hot in all that,” he said, gesturing to her jeans. “It’s like crazy hot out. The water’s really nice.”
“Yeah well, maybe later.”
“Isn’t the whole point of a pool party to go swimming?”
“Yeah I just… don’t wanna get too much sun. I’ll just burn.”
“I have sunscreen. I can rub it on you,” he offered. She frowned. Terry hated seeing that little ridge between her eyes that appeared whenever she was sad or worried or angry. What was wrong? Had he been too forward? Was he completely blowing it already? “It’s waterproof. The sunscreen,” he smiled.
“I don’t wanna go swimming, ok?” she snapped.
“Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I just, you know.”
“What?”
“I just don’t really feel like getting all half-naked in front of a million people.”
Seriously? Terry had never thought Cerise was one to be self-conscious in that way. Sure, she was modest, but she wasn’t one of those deluded girls with body distorted disease or whatever the hell. She’d been shy at first when they’d hooked up but she hadn’t had any trouble letting go. Of all the chicks he’d been with she’d probably been the most confident when naked. So crazy how chicks always kept you guessing.
He couldn’t even take it anymore. She was so cute, sitting there biting her lip, looking down at her lap. God, he needed to fuck her! Exercising quite a bit of self-control, Terry lowered himself to her neck and gently kissed her right beneath her earlobe. She giggled and playfully pushed him away, her cheeks turning red. So adorable!
Karine called out to Terry, insisting he join them in the pool but he wasn’t about to stand up now. His giant erection was probably visible from space.
“You can go swim,” said Cerise. “Just ‘cause I don’t wanna doesn’t mean you can’t.”
“I’d rather be with you,” he replied, wishing for all the world that he’d invited only her to this party and that she would slip off her pants and spread her legs. He could practically smell her inviting him in. She was probably dripping wet. She was always wet whenever he touched her. That gorgeous pink velvet opening like a locket, waiting to embrace…
“Come on, Terry!”
Something cold splashed onto his back and he snapped to attention. Cerise squealed and drew her legs up as she hid her face from the onslaught of water that came their way. Fuck, she was so fucking goddamned cute it was more than anyone could be expected to endure.
Terry took a deep breath and thought about all the grossest stuff he could imagine, like old people and Jason Harris’ hair. That did the trick and he was presentable enough to stand. He took two long strides and jumped into the pool, dunking Karine’s head under water as she shrieked and kicked him away.
What a fucking tool. Fucking show-off. Look at him jumping into the pool like he owned the place. Ok, maybe technically it was his house but still, no need to walk around with his chest puffed out like he was some sort of Greek god of assholery. Argh! He was actually horsing around with Karine like she was just one of the guys and she was totally into it, all hanging all over him like it wasn’t the most disgusting thing in the universe. Jay had to work really hard not to puke all over the place.
Oh of course! Now Cerise was ripping off her clothes so she could join in the fun. How could she be so easily taken in by Terry Trebigirlhypnotizery? Didn’t she have any standards?! Why was she going out with him again? It was so infuriating!
“Fuck,” exclaimed Willy in a slow breath.
“Holy waist to hip ratio, batman,” said Vani with the same degree of reverence. “Did you guys know that’s what Cerise looked like under all those military shirts she always wears?”
She was actually fairly attractive. Her bathing suit was one of those halter styles that ties around the neck and shows off all the upper back. She had some pretty nice skin, pretty nice ass, even though she totally had no tits at all.
“I need to get me some a ‘dat!” said Willy.
“Never speak out loud,” snorted Karl with disgust.
Oh total barforama. Cerise lowered herself into the pool and went straight for Terry Trebibarfsky. He wrapped her up in his overdeveloped arms and twirled her around like they were in the Sound of Music of something.
“Can you imagine what it’d be like to live a day in the life of Terry Trebichavsky?”
“Jesus, Vani! This obsession has got to end!” said Karl with exasperation.
“It’s like Shatner all over again,” agreed Jay with a roll of his eyes.
“No seriously. Think of it. Imagine being him,” insisted Vani.
“I imagine it would be very… satisfying,” said Willy with a sigh.
“Yeah, if you get satisfaction from being a total asshole,” grumbled Jay.
“So very satisfying then,” nodded Karl.
They all stood around the food table and mindlessly munched on snacks while watching the girls swim with Terry Turdbucketsky. They were playing that game where a girl sits on a guy’s shoulders and they try to push each other off. Cerise’s surprisingly hot little sister was sitting on a Trebishitsky sibling and Karine was on Terry Jerkikowsky’s shoulders. Holy shit she was all wet and glistening and her nipples looked like they were trying to force themselves out of her bikini top and oh god, think about grandma, think about baseball, think about Terry Trebinsufferablesky’s rotting corpse being eaten by larvae.
“So pool party, eh?” said Vani in between bites of cheetos. “I guess we should like, swim or whatever.”
They all looked at one another uncomfortably.
“We could like, not,” suggested Jay.
“We could keep our shirts on,” shrugged Willy.
“In your case I think that’d be best,” smirked Karl.
“Come on! Cowabunga and all that,” said Vani, pulling off his t-shirt and striding towards the pool.
That was some serious bravery right there. Vani looked like a stick figure with his shirt off and was shorter than Trebitallsky’s smallest brother yet he seemed perfectly fine with it, jumping into the pool with an attention-grabbing cannonball. Even Karl with his bird-like limbs and Willy with his bacne dared to disrobe and enter the pool. Well sure, Karl could go in; he had a girlfriend. And Willy was too stupid to know that he’d be exposing everyone to fat bastard disease by infecting the water with his oily essence.
If Jay were to remain on the sidelines he’d attract more attention that if he just sucked it up and went in. So embarrassing. There was Karine, hanging all over Mr. Wonderful and his stupid hockey body and Jay couldn’t even find a shirt that wouldn’t hang off of him like a sheet thrown over a scarecrow. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. There was that one summer where he’d attempted weight lifting but it was so boring and it really cut into gaming time. So he was just a spindly little loser and he’d never have a girlfriend and it certainly would never be Karine. Everything in the world was designed specifically to make Jay suffer. He just knew it.
He peeled off his shirt in FTL time and ran into the pool, nearly slipping on his way in. He recovered by pretending he was being goofy on purpose and immediately began pummelling Willy before anyone could laugh at him.
“Terry, can you watch Brit for a bit?”
The totally hot lady from the house, Terry Trebilucky’s stepmom perhaps, came towards the pool holding a little kid. The kid had floaties on her arms and goggles over her eyes. She was actually pretty cute and flapped her arms as Terry Trebigbrothersky held her in the pool.
“Tewwy! I swim!” she squeeled.
“Yeah, you’re swimming! Good job, Brit!” Terry Trebiwhateversky cooed in some stupid baby voice. What a fucking fag.
“Damn, Terry’s mom is hot,” panted Willy.
“Step-mom,” clarified Karl.
“She looks like Kylie Minogue,” said Vani.
Kylie Minogue sauntered back into the house while Terry Trebihowcanany-bodystandhimsky kept playing with his little sister.
“Look how cute! He’s so good with her!” gushed Sarah like a typical girl.
“I know,” nodded Cerise.
“Yeah, he’s totally raising that kid, I sear to god,” agreed Karine. “I mean Vicky’s a good mom and everything but his dad does shit. Terry’s totally her father figure, which is like, good you know? ‘Cause his dad is a jerk.”
Runs in the family, apparently.
Shauna was spending less and less time at home and more and more time at Stan’s place. She’d gotten in trouble for spending the night away from home that time but there wasn’t really anything her parents could do to punish her. Grounding her didn’t really work since she would just sneak out while they were away and she could use the same strategy when they took away her TV privileges. She took a few smacks across the face but that was nothing she couldn’t handle.
Stan had given her a key to his place so she’d taken to hanging out at his place watching TV while he was at work. She could even smoke in his apartment without hassle. It was a pretty wicked set-up. Sometimes she’d do his laundry or make him food in the hopes that he would ask her to move in. If she could officially get out of her parents’ house then everything would be perfect.
Cerise was relieved to see that Julie exercised a good degree of subtlety when taking photos. She took pics of everyone, not just Terry so it didn’t seem suspicious. And even when she did photograph Terry she waited until he was doing something noteworthy so it wouldn’t appear too random. He smiled and held up his spatula as he flipped burgers on the grill while Julie snapped about a zillion pics of him. Then she turned her attention to the others and they all made goofy faces and pushed each other into the pool and whatnot.
It was so funny how one got used to pretty much anything much quicker than one might imagine. At first Cerise had been mortified to parade around in her swimsuit but now just a few hours later she felt perfectly comfortable even though she was probably the fattest girl at the party. Not that she was actually fat, just that the others were super thin. And no one had been brought to nausea from looking at her. Terry seemed very appreciative of her half-naked body, constantly stroking her skin and kissing her neck. They cuddled up in a lounge chair together to eat their burgers and he actually licked the juices off her fingers when they dripped down her hand.
“Oh my god, get a room, you guys!” scoffed Karine as she watched them.
Everyone laughed and Cerise could feel her cheeks heating up but Terry just held her tightly and tickled her while she giggled.
Sarah grabbed Julie’s camera and took a bunch of pics of them. “Ok now smize! Smize like you mean it!”
Terry and Cerise laughed and dropped into a series of exaggerated model poses.
This was definitely the best day of the summer so far. Maybe even the best day of Terry’s life. Everyone was having an awesome time and Cerise was being super cute and affectionate with him. Even the nerds were being pretty cool, hanging out like normal people instead of talking about all that science crap they were always going on about. Terry knew that they were just losers but sometimes he felt pretty stupid when they talked about stuff he didn’t understand. Cerise always seemed to know what they were talking about and often joined in. Maybe he should take some science courses at John Abbott next year so he could try to keep up.
“Oh, I love this song!” Karine exclaimed and turned up the volume on the speakers he’d plugged into his ipod.
She grabbed Sarah’s hand and they danced together on the patio. It was pretty hot. A second later Sarah took Cerise’s hand and all three of them were dancing. Yep, for sure this was the best day of the summer so far.
“So Jay, tell me again how you didn’t wanna come today?” snickered Vani in between bites of a hot dog.
“Yeah ok, I was a little high on the crack,” Hair-boy admitted.
What a fucking tool. Of course he hadn’t wanted to come. Probably because he wanted to stay home and play with his action figures or something.
“Methinks I shall wake up with wet sheets tomorrow,” said Willy as he openly leered at the girls and flicked his tongue out.
“Ugh! Thanks for sharing, lard-ass,” sneered Karl, recoiling from Willy and his drool.
Willy seriously was pretty gross. Terry couldn’t help but give him a hard time. “Hey, you ever think about Cerise when you got your hand on your dick, you just picture my fist in your face, you get me?” He lunged at Willy with his fist out and sure enough, the fat dork flinched and backed away.
All the nerds laughed and Terry grinned. It was kinda cool to make them laugh. Even though they were just a bunch of dorks they were pretty amusing dorks so to make a quality joke was pretty cool.
“And that goes for Karine and Sarah too. And Jules. And my step-mom, you perv!” Terry jumped up and grabbed Willy in a headlock.
“Ok!” Willy said, panic-stricken.
The guys all looked up in shock, and they actually looked kinda scared. Had Terry taken it too far? “Relax man, I’m just kidding,” he said, releasing Willy and lightly shoving his head to the side. “Don’t be such a fucking pussy.”
Karl and Vani laughed appreciatively and Terry sat back down, pleased with this success. Hair-boy still looked kinda scared so really this had been the best outcome possible. Amuse Van and scare Jay. Good times.
“Hey, check it out, you guys,” said Vani, watching the girls. “The chicks look like Charlie’s Angels.”
“Hey yeah, totally,” agreed Jay.
It was true. They were dancing in a line and throwing their hands up in karate chop poses. So cute. So hot.
“You know, I don’t get the appeal of Cameron Diaz,” said Karl. “I find her completely hideous. Her mouth is huge!”
“How is that a bad thing?” asked Willy with a sly grin.
“I think she’s hot,” shrugged Jay.
“I kind of agree with Karl,” said Terry. “She’s a bit weird looking. And she’s kind of old now. Drew Barrymore is way hotter.”
“Agreed!” said Vani enthusiastically. “Drew Hottimore is where it’s at!”
“She’s just as old as Cameron Diaz, isn’t she?” asked Karl.
“But she looks younger. She’s just cuter,” shrugged Terry.
“Lucy Liu is even older but she’s the hottest of all of them,” said Willy.
“Yeah, you’re not allowed to think about her either,” said Terry while menacingly pointing his finger in Willy’s face.
The guys all laughed, even Jay. Yeah, it was pretty cool to be funny and to talk to these guys about a subject he could easily follow. Not that he cared about getting these losers’ approval, but still, pretty fun.
The only problem with Stan was how often he wanted to fool around. Not that it took that long but it was so boring and Shauna was trying to watch So You Think You Can Dance. It was an episode she’d PVRed earlier in the week so she could watch it anytime but still, she wanted to watch it now. Not wanting to upset Stan she paused the show and let him do his thing and when he was done she cleaned up and got back to the show while Stan made nachos. Awesome! Stan made excellent nachos.
“Hey Terry?” asked Vani.
“Yeah?”
“What’s it like to make out with a girl?”
Terry laughed. “Are you serious?”
“Give us a break, Vani,” said Karl with a roll of his eyes. “Why don’t you just go fuck a pie and be done with it?”
“No but seriously,” Vani went on. “I’m not asking about like getting all jiggedy and stuff. Just like making out and stuff. What’s it like? It’s overrated isn’t it? Tell me it’s overrated.”
Wow. He seemed so genuine. Desperate almost. Terry could only imagine how much it must suck to be hard-up. All these guys were probably virgins, except maybe Karl who’d been walking a little taller ever since he’d gotten together with Sarah. But to graduate high school and still have never banged a chick? How humiliating for these guys. It must be torture.
“Not if you’re with the right chick,” said Terry kindly.
“How do you find the right chick? How do you find any chick?” asked Vani in hushed tones, dragging his chair closer to Terry’s.
Karl rolled his eyes again. “I’m not entirely sure I’m actually witnessing this conversation.”
“Hey, we have an expert here,” Vani insisted. “We should take advantage.”
“I’m not an expert,” smiled Terry, secretly pleased to have someone think he was.
“But you’ve been with tons of chicks, right?”
“A few,” he shrugged nonchalantly.
“A few more than me. So how to do you get them?”
“Well, Vani,” Jay interjected. “I’d imagine the first step is to not be completely scared shitless of girls. That’s probably your biggest hurdle.”
“Yeah, might wanna get over that,” Terry chuckled even though he was kind of annoyed that Hair-boy had made a good point.
“But they’re so mysterious! And they have their evil feminine ways!”
Terry laughed again. “They’re not evil. Just powerful. ‘Cause they control the sex.”
“That proves my point,” nodded Vani. “Power corrupts. And absolute power corrupts absolutely. And any chick would absolutely have power over me.”
Terry shrugged. “Yeah, there can be power struggles in relationships I guess. But you don’t care about stuff like that if you’re with the right girl.”
“So how do you know if you’re with the right girl?”
“Well, ‘cause if you’re with the right girl then you don’t care about stuff like that.”
“Ahh, your circular argument confounds me!” said Vani while shaking his fist.
Terry chuckled. “I dunno man, you just know. It’s just a feeling. You know how it is.”
“No I don’t! That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know how it is at all,” he said pleadingly.
“Dude, I dunno,” sighed Terry, trying to collect his thoughts. “Ok, it’s like you just wanna be with her all the time. And not just to get busy with her but like, you know, just to be with her. Just to be around her. ‘Cause she makes you feel good. You know, like she makes you feel good about you. Like everything’s cool with you. And it’s just cool you know? Like everything is amazing when you’re with her. And you want it to last forever. You wanna preserve that. It’s like, you wanna protect her and be protected by her. You know?”
All the guys stared at Terry intently.
“Or in your case it’s just a chick who’s willing to hook up,” he chuckled awkwardly, hoping he wasn’t blushing.
“Yeah no shit,” scoffed Willy. “Good luck with that.”
“Like you should talk, Willy Wonka,” said Vani. “You’re so fat you wouldn’t even… fit like… god damn it, insert generic insult here!”
They all snickered and Karl made a sound effect as he swiped his arm over Willy’s neck.
Vani went on. “Ok but so like seriously. How do I find such a chick?”
“I dunno!” shrugged Terry. “Be less short? Be less skinny? Be less Indian? Be less desperate? Yeah, that’s pretty much it. All you gotta do is chill, dude. Don’t care if you get laid or not. You know, you’re just over thinking everything. You need to chill.”
“How?”
“Fuck, just smoke a joint if you have to.”
Vani nodded. “But that doesn’t help me find a girl in the first place.”
“God, just pick a girl and ask her out.”
“Just like that?!” Vani asked incredulously.
“Yeah.”
“That’s crazy! She’d say no!”
“You gotta take that risk.”
“Easy for you to say. I bet no one’s ever said no to you.”
“Just one,” said Terry with a lazy smile. He looked over to Cerise, who seemed deep in conversation with Sarah and Karine.
All the guys looked over to the girls and then looked at one another. Vani nodded seriously.
“But you still got her in the end,” he said.
“She keeps me guessing,” Terry shrugged and smiled to himself. It was so weird. He was being more honest with these dorks than he’d ever been with Andrew or Steven or any of his hockey friends. Vani was good for real conversations. He was like a guy version of Karine. Terry hadn’t even realized until now how much he’d always wanted a real guy friend, someone he could really talk to for real.
“How many chicks have you been with?” asked Vani.
With other guys Terry might have made a joke about his prowess or simply exaggerated the number but he figured he might as well tell the truth. He began mentally adding the figures, trying to remember what the tally had been the last time he’d updated his sex scale list.
“Don’t kiss and tell, eh? I can respect that,” said Vani. “But seriously, how many?”
“Um, about thirty I guess.”
All the guys looked stunned.
“Like fully had sex with?!” Vani whispered.
“No, that’s the number for like anything. Making out, oral, fingering, you know, whatever. If we’re talking full on P in V then like, only about eight or so.”
“Holy shit!” breathed Vani.
The other guys were pretty impressed too, though Hair-boy seemed more horrified than anything else.
“Oh man, I think I was just transported to a civil war epic about never going hungry again ‘cause like, I’m feeling vapors,” said Vani while dramatically fanning himself.
Terry laughed appreciatively. “Man, you really need to get laid.”
“Yeah well, it’s prob’ly better if I don’t. I wouldn’t know what to do anyway.”
“Well at least you can admit it,” said Terry warmly, getting up and giving Vani an affectionate slap on the shoulder. He walked off and joined the girls. All this talk about sex was making him want to be with Cerise.
What a fucking complete asshole, toolshed, dickwad, dirtbag, shithead! Vani waited until Terry Trebiliarsky walked off and then cradled his shoulder in agony. Karl and Willy laughed and sure, it was funny that Vani was so fragile but fuck, Terry Trebishowoffsky was such a massive douche! Yeah right, he’d been with thirty chicks. Yeah right!
But what if it was true? Could it be true? Could he have had full on sex with eight chicks already? Jay had never even kissed a girl. The closest he’d ever come was his stupid non grad date with Karine. Holy shit, what if Terry and Karine had slept together? Jay couldn’t believe he’d never considered this before. They’d been friends since forever, and they’d never dated but what if they’d hooked up at some point? Oh gross! Karine’s awesomeness would be tainted forever if she’d ever gotten together with that jackhole! Argh! This was seriously the worst pool party in the history of time!
Even the chicks dancing around in the bikinis couldn’t offset the disgustingness of Terry Trebidouchesky dancing with them. How long would this torture go on? Pretty much forever apparently. They only finally went home like a million hours later when all of them were past curfew. What a shitty day!
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