“So Terry’s living with Kylie Minogue?” asked Vani.
Cerise rolled her eyes. “Vicky doesn’t even look like Kylie Minogue. You guys are so out of it.”
Cerise and Cavi…Cassie were sitting in the Munch Box with the guys. Jay was trying really hard to stop calling Cassie Cavity since she didn’t seem to like it and he was making serious progress towards hooking up with her.
“Whether she does or doesn’t, she’s totally hot,” burped Willy.
“Stop being gross!” said Cerise.
“Was the burp gross, or is it the fact that they all think Trebidouchsky’s step-mom is totally smoking?” asked Jay.
“They?” asked Vani. “Meaning you don’t? What are you, queer?”
“She’s old, and mildly related to Terry Trebijerksky, and therefore tangentially gross.”
“Stop calling Terry all those weird names,” said Cerise.
“Make me!” Jay challenged, bugging out his eyes.
“You’re so lame,” Cerise giggled.
“She’s totally hot, tangentially or not,” said Willy. “I wish I had a step-mom that hot, tangentially or not.”
“You’re so disgusting,” said Cerise.
“Seriously, Willy, stop being so juvenile,” said Jay.
Vani’s double-take was so intense he just about upturned the table. “Pot, kettle, black, what? Like you don’t have the patent on juvenility?”
“That’s not even a word!”
Karl whipped out his phone. “It actually is. Juvenility: the quality or condition of being juvenile.”
“Yeah, and anyone mature would know that, but you’re too infested with juvenilia to know it!”
“Is that a word?” asked Jay, incredulous.
“Yes, but he’s using it wrong,” said Karl. “So I’ll split the difference and say you both lost that round.”
“Whatever,” scoffed Vani. “Point is you’re not one to talk about kidibility, ‘cause you’re like a total juvophile.”
“A jewophile?” asked Cassie. “Is that the only reason you like me, ‘cause you’re into jews?”
“Oh, confirmation that Jay-bird is macking on the Cavi-cass!” sang Vani.
“Can you maybe contain your insanity to when it’s just us?” asked Jay, exasperated. “You’re gonna scare away all the normal people.”
“Oh please,” scoffed Karl. “It’s Cassie. She’s used to it.”
“She’s still a girl. She doesn’t wanna hear about hot step-moms, or Willy’s bodily functions.”
Karl smirked. “I think she can handle our very mild guy-itude. It’s not like we’re talking about Willy’s obsession with chugging cock.”
Cerise and Cassie burst into laughter. “Gross!”
“Yeah,” nodded Vani. “And it’s not like we’re drawing diagrams of all of Willy’s chronic sweat spots when he chugs cock.”
“Or how he took up smoking because of his oral fixation ‘cause the doctor told him he’d have to cut down on the cock chugging due to cock sores,” said Karl.
Cassie snorted and held her mouth to keep in the soda she’d just downed.
Willy chuckled. “Yeah or how like one time I totally watched porn in the computer lab and jizzed all over the keyboard and didn’t even clean it up.”
“Oh my god!” Cassie shrieked. “Please tell me you’re not serious!”
Cerise shook like she was having convulsions of revulsion.
“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But I bet you’ll never use the computer lab again,” smirked Willy.
“I wanna throw a birthday party for Cerise,” said Terry.
Oh god, seriously? This was why Terry had texted Karine to meet him for lunch in the caf instead of the Munch Box? To talk about his stupid Cherry angel? It was her own dumbassary, Karine supposed, to assume Terry wanted to hang with her for her.
“We should make it a surprise party!” squealed Sarah, who was also invited to the secret Cherry angel meeting, which should have been Karine’s first tipoff that this lunch would be bullshit.
“Yeah, totally,” agreed Terry. “What I can do is take her out to dinner and you guys can be setting up the party at your place,” Terry nodded in Karine’s direction, “And then I’ll tell her we have to go to your place ‘cause I dunno, I’ll say I forgot one of her gifts there or some shit and then we can surprise her.”
“Oh my god, totally!”
Seriously!? He wanted to have the stupid party for that stupid Cherry bitch at Karine’s goddamn house?! What the fuck?! “Yeah, ok,” nodded Karine.
“Where are you gonna take Cerise to dinner?” asked Sarah. “You should totally take her to like a fancy place. And you can get all dressed up and stuff. Oh my god, we should totally make the party a fancy dress-up party!”
“Hey, yeah, that could be fun,” admitted Karine.
“Hey, whoa, what?” Terry stammered. “Why a fancy dress party? We already did prom, wasn’t that enough?”
“God, whatever, prom sucked. This is our chance to do it right,” said Karine.
“You thought grad sucked?” pouted Sarah. “I thought it was fun. Did everyone think it totally sucked?”
“It was fine,” Terry said reassuringly. “But Cerise and I got in a fight. I don’t want to remind her of that.”
“At this point I’d imagine like, words and oxygen are reminders of you guys’ fights,” snarked Karine.
“We’re getting along super good right now!”
“Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts,” muttered Karine as she stuffed a chip into her mouth.
“What?” Terry narrowed his eyes.
“What? Nothing! I’m eating.”
“Oh, and you know what?” said Sarah obliviously. “You can buy Cerise a fancy dress for the party and that can be your gift to her!”
“Hey, yeah, that’s a good idea,” nodded Terry happily. “But I don’t know anything about the kinds of dresses chicks like. I don’t even know her size.”
“I totally know her size. I shop with her all the time,” said Sarah. “I’ll help you pick something out!”
“Yeah, me too,” said Karine. If Sarah thought she was gonna become Terry’s new BFF she had another thing coming.
Finding a time when they could go shopping without arousing Cerise’s suspicion was totally impossible so they decided to skip class on Thursday afternoon. For once it was actually handy that Cerise didn’t have a phone, ‘cause Terry knew she wouldn’t be texting him constantly, all asking questions and shit the way any other chick would be.
He should totally get her a phone, though. Was it too much to get her a phone and a dress? How much did dresses cost? Probably a lot. Especially since they were shopping downtown, ‘cause Karine and Sarah said it was totally lame to buy a nice dress at some shithole like Le Chateau or whatever, which was apparently totally overpriced for the quality of the garments.
Terry parked on Mont-Royal and they kept going into boutiques that were like, crazo expenso. And Karine sort of seemed to be shopping more for herself, always picking out things that were way too sexy for Cerise. Terry was totally cool with Cerise dressing sexy but he knew she wouldn’t be into it. She was too self-conscious for that, which was silly since she was way hot. At least Sarah seemed to be on the same page ‘cause she kept telling Karine to put away the whore-wear.
“Ok, fine, well how ‘bout this?” asked Karine, holding up a totally hideous lacey type deal.
“Seriously?” asked Terry. “Gross, Karine, she’s not Amish.”
Karine laughed and pulled out something else less old-lady but still a bit conservative. “Ok, how ‘bout this one? For real?”
“I don’t like all this lace bullshit,” Terry shrugged.
“How ‘bout this? Cerise would totally look cute in this,” Sarah suggested, holding up a green dress.”
“Too green,” said Terry.
“What’s wrong with green?”
“It makes me think of Karl.”
“Good point,” said Sarah, putting back the offending dress.
“Ok, how ‘bout this?” suggested Karine.
“It’s nice but it’s too much like her prom dress. The neckline is too high. I want something that’ll show off her collarbone.”
“Her collarbone?” asked Sarah as she and Karine stared at Terry.
“What? She has a nice, you know, neck area.”
“Ok, so like, what do you have in mind exactly?”
“I dunno,” Terry shrugged. “Nothing specific. Just you know, like sexy but not skanky and nice but not old. Just something like, like something where the skirt part goes to the knees and it’s kinda flowy and shit but not like too flowy, kinda clingy too, and like, not necessarily sleeveless but not long sleeves either and not like a plunging neckline or anything but low enough that you see a bit of cleavage and you know, collarbone.”
“Ok, but you don’t have anything specific in mind,” snarked Karine.
“Seriously,” laughed Sarah. “All you’ve left open is colour.”
“Yeah, blue,” said Terry.
“But her prom dress was blue! You said yourself it shouldn’t be like her prom dress.”
“Ok, so then red?” he suggested. “Red’s totally hot.”
“My prom dress was red,” said Sarah.
“Yeah, and you looked totally hot,” said Terry though in truth he couldn’t even remember how Sarah had looked at grad.
“Really?! Thanks!” she squealed. Chicks were so easy.
But Cerise was the least easy chick on the planet so he really had to pick out the perfect dress. Finally they got to a store called Kali and it had a lot of bullshit hippy clothes, like shit someone would wear at Tam Tams but they also had some cool stuff that wasn’t too expensive.
They couldn’t find a red dress but there was something in a deep pink that was pretty nice. It had kind of a swirly pattern, which Cerise would like ‘cause she often wore tops with patterns and it had a low neckline which was cool. The only thing he wasn’t sure about was the waistline, which came just under the boobs. Karine called it empire waist and said that it would be totally cute on Cerise. Sarah agreed, saying the dress was fancy enough for their party but with flat shoes it could be dressed down enough to be worn in a normal context.
Sarah tried on the dress so they could see what it’d look like and it was too big for her but they assured him that it would be perfect for Cerise.
“What if she doesn’t like it?” he wondered as he fingered the material, which was soft and semi-shiny.
“Then we’ll all denounce ourselves and commit ritual suicide!” snapped Karine. “God, it’s just a dress! You’re more obsessive about clothes than I am!”
“Well I hope she likes it,” said Terry, pulling out his wallet. At least the price was right. With tax it came to just under fifty bucks.
“Ok, now let’s find stuff for us!” announced Karine.
Oh great. The next two hours were spent walking around with these two as they tried on a million dresses. Sometimes it was fun ‘cause they modelled some sexy stuff for him but most of the time he just wanted to poke himself in the eye. He got really good at Angry Birds that afternoon.