The best part about being in the hospital was that Shauna didn’t have to go to school. The doctors estimated she’d be in the hospital for two whole weeks! And with any luck she’d catch an infection and die and then she’d never have to go to school ever again. Awesome.
Karine and Steven stood against the smoking wall making out. Erica told them to break it up when she and Christina joined them, which they did, lighting up a cigarette to share together.
“Hey,” Christina said tentatively as she lit her own smoke.
Karine’s face was expressionless as she returned the greeting.
“So you guys are back together, eh?”
“Yeah.” Steve seemed excited but Karine was stone faced.
Andrew bounded up to them jubilantly. “Did you guys hear what happened after the party?”
“What?” asked Erica as Terry joined the group.
“Ok, apparently there was this chick who showed up to the party with those Glue Sniffers and some other chick ripped her a new one.”
“Yeah, I saw that.” Terry placed a cigarette between his lips. “It was this weird stoner chick who got bitched out by Cerise, you know, the Cherry girl. It was pretty funny.”
“Ok, well it gets better,” Andrew went on. “When the loser chick left the party she somehow ended up locked in a porta-potty. And it like, fell over or something and she got toxic shock syndrome from all the toxic shit spilling over in the thing.”
“For serious?” asked Erica.
“No way!” Karine was shocked.
“Sick!” Christina gagged.
“Ok, one version I heard says that she got gang-banged and then they locked her up in there and pushed it over. And the other version says she just made up that story when they found her ‘cause the real story is that she locked herself in the thing and jumped around to tip it over and it was like an attempted suicide.”
Christina scrunched up her face in horror. “Who would try to kill themselves in such a disgusting way? It’s retarded!”
“Well from what I hear about this chick she redefines retarded,” Terry offered.
“That is so nasty,” smirked Erica. “Death by porta-potty?”
Karine wasn’t so amused. “What if she really was raped? That’s horrible!”
“I doubt it,” shrugged Andrew. “The chick’s a major hag. Who’d wanna do her?”
“I bet you would you fucking perv,” Karine snorted.
Andrew ignored that. “Point being, your party is gonna be legend now, Karine. More legend than any other party has ever been ever!”
“That’s so cool!” Steven smiled.
“It’s not cool, it’s sick!” Karine said in irritation.
“I’m sorry,” chuckled Erica. “But some chick tries to kill herself in a porta-potty? That’s just too funny.”
“I don’t want my party to be known as the porta-potty… party.”
“Porta-potty party! Porta-potty protty… party…” Andrew chanted as the others laughed.
Cerise was still feeling guilty about having completely and utterly destroyed Shauna’s life when she entered the girls’ washroom before first period. She was about to exit a stall when she heard two voices.
“I heard she almost died!”
“No way. She was only in there for like an hour. I told this guy I know to go check on her so really, I saved her life.”
“But you’re the one who put her in there in the first place!”
“So? She deserved it! She’s a total fucking spaz!”
“I know, but still.”
“Have you ever talked to her?”
“Then you don’t know what she’s like. She’s seriously retarded. She was practically begging us to lay down a shitstorm.” The voice laughed. “Man, what a fucking spaz!”
Cerise exited the stall and saw the pierced girl from the party talking to Marla Fitzpatrick. She glared at the pierced girl as she washed her hands.
“What are you looking at?” The pierced girl asked bitchily.
“Screw you, you stupid… ugh!” Cerise spat out. “You could have killed her! She could press charges you know, and you could go to jail or something and Marla and I are witnesses now to you admitting you did it!”
“Oh my fucking god. Hypocrite much?” The girl narrowed her eyes. “You’re the cunt who bitched her out at the party! It’s your fault she went playing in the porta-potty in the first place!”
Cerise couldn’t deny it. She simply left the washroom before she was tempted to cry.
Terry was walking towards homeroom when he saw Cerise leaving a washroom. Her head was down and her arms were crossed. Terry said hey as she walked by but she didn’t even look up. Did she fail to notice him or was it a deliberate snub? She hadn’t taken his call on Saturday, was it possible she didn’t want anything to do with him? Had she decided he was too ordinary and mainstream to go out with her? Did she think she was too good for him? Terry subtly surveyed the hallway, making sure no one had seen the snub. No one seemed to be paying attention, thank god.
In homeroom he pretended to be looking at his phone but really he was watching the doorway. When she walked in he made sure to ignore her before she could ignore him. But she totally did ignore him again! What a fucking bitch! She seriously thought she was better than him. And she probably was. She was interesting and cool and did weird stuff and didn’t even care what people thought. He’d been such a moron to think such a cool chick would want to hook up with him. To a girl like that his status in this school meant nothing. Nothing at all. She could see under the veneer and realized he was just a stupid pervert, totally dumb and boring, incapable of keeping up in a conversation about anything other than hockey. Well fuck her! She was just a stupid bitch anyway, all stuck up and shit. Whatever, like he even cared. He could so do better.
Jay had walked to school alone in the morning. He was still angry at Cerise for having hung out with Terry Trebifartsky but mostly he was embarrassed by what an ass he’d made of himself in front of Karine.
“So I guess you had a pretty good time at Karine’s party eh?” he asked when Cerise sat across from him at their lunch table, before any of the boys joined them.
“It was ok,” she shrugged.
“You seemed to be having a pretty good time with that Terry Trebishitsky guy.”
“Yeah, I guess I did have a good time with him. I was supposed to do stuff with him on the weekend.”
“You were gonna do stuff with him?”
“Yeah,” she sadly bit into her sandwich.
“Why?” he demanded.
“I dunno. ‘Cause he asked me.”
“Really? He asked you to like, do stuff?”
“Yeah, we were supposed to hang out. He said he was gonna call but I guess he didn’t.”
“See? He’s an ass…”
“Shit!” Cerise suddenly exclaimed. “What if he did call? I told Julie that I didn’t want to take any calls! Oh my god, I’m such a moron! She said one of you guys called, I mean she was like, one of Jay’s friends called but you never called me, did you?”
“No,” Jay admitted. “We don’t really use phones. They’re so antiquated. I mean we use them obviously but only for texting, or for sending emails.”
“I know! I know we only communicate via the written word when not IRL! I knew one of you guys wouldn’t call me! I am the stupidest person on the planet! It was probably Terry who called and I completely blew him off!”
“Well good! I mean it’s providence or serendipity or something ‘cause he’s a total jerk.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah! He’s… ugh, he’s an ass. He thinks he frakkin’ runs this place. He acts like he’s god’s gift.”
“Yeah well, he probably hates me now so I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Well it’s not that I’m worried,” Jay shrugged and casually ate his pizza. “It’s just that… you know.”
Before he could go on, or rather before he could change the subject because he certainly had no desire to keep talking about Terry Trebimoronsky, they were joined by the boys. Vani smacked Jay’s head down into his pizza and Jay retaliated by sticking his elbow out, which Vani avoided, leaving Willy to take the blow.
“Hey, I heard that party you guys went to was pretty crazy,” said Vani as he sat down.
“It wasn’t even anything,” Jay shrugged, wiping tomato sauce off his chin. “It kinda sucked.”
“I hear you bitched out your stalker, Cerise.”
“Oh god. People know about that?”
“Well it was pretty mega,” said Jay. “I mean you were like, yelling. People could hear you. In
“Everyone’s talking about it,” said Karl matter-of-factly.
“We should have gone to that party,” whined Willy.
“Yeah right,” scoffed Karl. “Parties are for plebes! We’re above that kind of normal human interaction. And that’s exactly why you’re so close to expulsion, Willy, because you refuse to commit to our alternative lifestyle.”
“Uh, fag?” said Willy.
Vani nodded sternly. “What Willy cannot express due to his limited vernacular is that your statement had unintentional homoerotic undertones, which I can appreciate because I know that the purest form of love is Greek love. Not the kind that involves ass fucking but the kind that involves naked wrestling. But I digress for a moment to point out the hyprocrisy in denouncing Willy’s yearning for normalcy when it’s really Jay-bird who betrayed us by actually attending a cool party.”
“I agree that Jay needs to be punished,” Karl conceded. “But we all know he can’t be reasoned with when he’s following the massive erection that acts as a homing signal towards all things Karine Cavalière related.
“Please refrain from talking about massive erections and naked wrestling while I’m trying to eat,” requested Cerise.
Sarah Wong suddenly joined them, sitting next to Cerise and clutching her arm. “Oh my god, Cerise! Are you ok?”
“Yeah, what do you mean?”
“I heard you got attacked by some crazed girl at Karine’s party!”
“More like the other way around,” said Jay.
“Yeah,” nodded Sarah. “I heard you told her off and she went nuts and tried to kill herself in a porta-potty! Is it true?”
“No!” Cerise exclaimed. “Well I mean not completely. That’s not how it happened.”
“But the porta-potty thing is true, right?” asked Willy.
“Yeah but she wasn’t trying to kill herself,” said Cerise.
“I dunno,” said Jay with a smirk. “I mean you were pretty mean to her. It was like, ‘go away, you’re a loser’. And she was like, ‘duh’, and you were like, ‘no one likes you, no one wants you here’ and she was like, ‘doy’ and you were like, ‘I know kung-fu’ and she was like, ‘your kung-fu’s no good’, and then you Jet Li’ed her ass. It was pretty harsh.”
“And she was like your stalker,” said Karl. “So maybe she just couldn’t take it anymore.”
“So maybe it was attempted suicide,” said Vani in awe.
Cerise shook her head furiously. “It wasn’t attempted suicide! It was attempted murder! It was that bleach blonde chick with all the piercings and those guys she hangs out with. They put her in the porta-potty!”
“The Glue Sniffers!” said Sarah.
“I always knew they were up to no good,” said Vani.
“But maybe she was hanging out with them because she knew they’d try to kill her and so it really was attempted suicide!” suggested Willy.
“That doesn’t even make any sense!” said Cerise, but she was drowned out by the others as they agreed this seemed like a logical conclusion.
“Oh my god,” said Sarah. “Someone tried to kill themselves over you! Cerise, that’s so like, intense!”
“She was not trying to kill herself over me!”
“Either she was trying to kill you or kill herself. That’s how stalkers operate,” said Willy with authority.
Jay nodded. “And you did really dash her dreams when you told her off. You were like, ‘Our love can never be’ and she was like, ‘but what of the days of yore’ and you were like, ‘say what?’ and she was like, ‘Wuthering Heights and shit’ and you were like, ‘step back motha fucka’ and she was like…”
“Would you shut up?” Cerise’s frustration was obviously growing. It was pretty funny.
“Oh my god. Maybe we should start an anti-suicide club,” mused Sarah.
“Seriously,” agreed Vani. “Teen suicide is like, an epidemic.”
“I love my dead gay son,” smiled Jay, though no one seemed to catch the reference except Cerise, who tried to hold back her amusement but Jay was pretty sure he saw a smile creep over her lips.
But then she totally freaked out. “Would you stop joking? This is a serious thing that happened and you guys aren’t helping! Shauna could have died. Do you get that? She got bullied so badly she could have died, you guys! And I was mean to her, I made things worse and I feel bad about it and I think it’s really pathetic that you guys want to laugh at her about it!”
“Everyone in the school is totally making fun of her,” said Sarah quietly.
“Well they shouldn’t. That’s just cruel,” pouted Cerise.
“Oh, so suddenly you have a conscience.” Karl rolled his eyes.
“So what, you’re like her best friend now?” asked Vani.
“No, I’m just saying.”
“What are you saying?” asked Jay. “‘Cause you’re being all ‘I feel bad for porta-potty girl and we’re like ‘death by porta-potty is funny’ and you’re all like, ‘I was mean to her and you’re all big meanies’ and we’re like, ‘chill’ and you’re like…”
They all stared at Cerise for a moment and then Willy broke the silence. “So you think she was like, into you? ‘Cause that’d be like…”
Sarah interrupted. “Maybe we should have a club for gay teens.”
“You guys! She’s not… into me and she wasn’t stalking me and she didn’t try to kill herself ok? And she certainly didn’t try to kill herself over me. Can we please just drop it?”
They all nodded and ate their meals in silence for about two seconds but then Willy wondered exactly how much shit you’d have to swallow before you got toxic shock.
“Oh my god! Shut up!” Cerise got all upset and walked out of the cafeteria in a huff.
“So like, who knew porta-potties were so dangerous?” asked Sarah.
“You gonna start a porta-potty awareness club?” smirked Karl.
Cerise walked through the hall with no destination in mind but she was soon stopped by Sarah.
“Cerise, I’m sorry we made fun of your friend.”
Cerise turned to look at Sarah. “She’s not really my friend. That’s why I feel so bad. I was a total bitch to her right before she got… put in that situation.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“God, I can’t believe that happened to her. It sucks so much. And up until then it was like, the best night of my life!”
“How so?” asked Sarah, clearly intrigued.
“Terry Trebichavsky talked to me.”
“Oh my god!” Sarah grabbed Cerise’s arm and led her to a nearby stairwell where they sat down. “Tell me everything!”
“After I was mean to Shauna, Terry talked to me and he said I was funny, that it was like funny what I’d said to her. I mean he only talked to me because I bitched her out. I mean if I hadn’t been so mean to her he never would have noticed me.”
“Oh my god! That’s so ironic! I mean, I guess that’s not really irony, just more like crazyness but… wait, what’s the definition of irony?”
“Um, I think the actual dictionary definition is like when the consequence is the opposite of the intention, right?”
“Right. So what was the intention?”
“To get rid of Shauna. Which worked, so that’s not ironic. But I
er thought it would make Terry pay attention to me. I thought he’d think I was a bitch or something. But he was totally nice. Well actually at first I thought he was a jerk ‘cause he made a sexual joke about my name.” nev
“Exactly,” nodded Cerise. “But then he apologized.”
“Oh my god, he apologized to you?” Sarah seemed truly stunned.
“Yeah, he said he was sorry and he said it was cool how I’d pwned him. ‘Cause after he made the joke I bitched him out!”
“Oh my god!”
“I know! But he said that was cool!”
“Holy shit!” Sarah seemed completely overcome and she threw her hand to her chest as though she was having trouble breathing.
“I know! And then we spent the whole night talking! And he turned out to be really nice!”
“I knew it! I knew he was a nice guy. I mean I’ve known him for a long time, since Sec 1. But I haven’t known him, known him. We’re just acquaintances really. But I always knew he wasn’t a jerk like Karl thinks he is.”
“He isn’t at all! He’s super cool and sweet and fun to talk to. And Sarah,” Cerise paused dramatically.
“He gave me a foot massage.”
“What?” Sarah’s screech could surely be heard throughout the entire school.
“I’m serious! Right in front of the whole room! He were talking about how I have small hands and feet.” Cerise held up her palm as proof. “And he took off my shoe and took my foot in his hands and like totally massaged it! And we just talked all night and fell asleep on the couch together.”
“Oh my god! Cerise, that’s like, so romantic.”
“I know! And Sarah, he drove me home in the morning and asked for my phone number and said he wanted to hang out again.”
“Oh my god. Terry Trebichavsky is totally your boyfriend. And to think I hooked up with David Pyeng.”
“You hooked up with David Pyeng?”
Cerise considered that for a moment. “How far did you go?” she whispered.
Sarah spoke just as conspiratorially. “I went down on him and he fingered me. In the upstairs bathroom.”
Suddenly Cerise’s foot massage didn’t seem like such a big deal. “So are you guys going out now?”
“No!” Sarah seemed offended by the suggestion. “God no. It was just a hook-up. He’s not boyfriend material. I mean he’s a total stoner. He’s not… well let’s face it, he’s not Terry Trebichavsky. So when are you guys going out again?”
“That’s the thing, Sarah. When I found out about Shauna I got all upset and distracted and stuff and I told my sister I didn’t wanna take any calls and I’m not even sure if he did call but what if he did?”
Sarah seemed confused.
“’Cause I don’t have a cell phone, I gave him my land line.”
“Oh my god, Cerise. You seriously need to get a cell.”
“I know. So what should I do? He totally ignored me in homeroom. Do you think he doesn’t like me anymore?”
Sarah mulled things over. “Ok, here’s what you do: When you see him in gym you go say hi to him. See if he mentions calling. If he does you can say your sister didn’t give you the message. If not, just be friendly. Be flirty. Not too much, obviously. If he’s moved on, you can’t seem desperate. Just smile and be nice. Don’t linger. If he doesn’t seem into you, just walk away. I think that’s all you can do.”
Sarah’s advice was put into practice during gym, though she needed a bit of encouragement to work up the nerve to go talk to Terry. Sarah also advised she tie up her gym shirt in the back since it was a little baggy but Cerise thought that might seem too obvious. She didn’t tell Sarah that the real reason she didn’t want to make a belly shirt out of her top is because she was sure Terry would puke upon seeing her massive poutine ponch approaching him. Cerise took a deep breath, and slowly walked across the gym. It seemed like a very great distance to get to Terry, who was standing pretty near his friends, but not so near that they’d be able to overhear everything she said.
He looked down at her through his sleepy eyes. She focused on his pillowy lips, which didn’t smile. “Hey.”
“Um… how’s it going?”
Cerise looked over her shoulder and stared at Sarah pleadingly. Sarah smiled and nodded.
“Um, did you call on the weekend?”
Terry only shrugged.
“’Cause my sisters… I mean… weren’t we supposed to do stuff?”
“It’s no big,” he shrugged again and looked off to the side, seemingly bored.
“Yeah, well anyway…”
Ms. Rosenberg came in and ordered them all to look alive so Cerise walked away and rejoined Sarah, reporting that Terry clearly didn’t like her anymore. She’d completely blown it.