One thing Terry hadn’t considered was how he was going to masturbate in this house. Obviously he had to do it but it was totally weird. It felt gross to do it in the shower and even grosser to do it on the couch, especially because one of the girls could appear at any moment. Jules was seriously never leaving him alone. He’d woken up this morning to find her leaning on the back of the couch, staring at him. It was pretty creepy.
Cerise’s mom was being pretty cool even though this whole situation was pretty weird. Maybe he really should stay at Karine’s even though he’d have to be all hidden. It could be pretty cool to stay in her room. She’d have to come in all the time to get her clothes and shit and he’d probably get to see her in her panties or something. He couldn’t believe he’d been friends with her for five years and had never seen her naked!
Speaking of naked, he and Cerise were getting along super well and flirting all the time. This morning she’d made him toast and squeezed his shoulder as she’d given it to him and then a couple seconds ago he’d run into her in the bathroom and she was wearing nothing but a towel and he pretended like he was gonna pull it off and she squealed and ran away all cutely. God, it was totally making him horny! As he brushed his teeth he thought about how he could drive off to someplace really isolated during the day and jerk-off in his car. Was it illegal to do something like that in a car, in a public place? Probably, but he didn’t have a choice! He would never be able to survive this! Maybe if he just locked the bathroom door he could jerk-off super quickly. He could use toilet paper to clean up and flush the evidence.
Cerise waited for Terry in the kitchen and decided to pack them lunches. Usually they bought something at the Munch Box but now that he was driving her to school she had tons of extra time in the morning so she decided to make them some sandwiches.
“Are you making lunch for Terry?” asked Simone wryly.
“Are you guys getting back together?” she asked.
Cerise turned to Simone and was going to say something snarky but then saw that their mom was also in the kitchen.
“It’s a fair question,” Angela said.
Cerise shrugged, unsure of what to say.
“You guys are being pretty flirty,” Simone pointed out.
“No we’re not.” Cerise could feel her cheeks flush and she took her time putting things back into the fridge.
“It would be pretty weird if you guys got back together and he was still living here,” said Simone.
“I agree,” said Angela. “I don’t mind Terry staying here for a little while but I really think he should work things out with his parents and go back home.”
“Mom, his parents are total assholes!
“Sorry, his spawning-units are total assholes. But it’s true, they’re seriously messed up. I mean just because you’re an awesome mom, doesn’t mean every parent is like that,” Cerise grinned, being pretty transparent about trying to butter up her mom.
Angela rolled her eyes and sighed. “They’re still his parents and I’m sure they’re worried sick.”
“Mom, he’s eighteen! It’s not like they even have any legal claim over him. He can go where he wants.”
“And he wants to be in my house, with my daughter?” she asked with a smirk.
“I’m his friend! God, do you want him to like, pay rent or something?” Cerise asked sarcastically, hoping Angela wouldn’t take the suggestion seriously.
“Of course not,” Angela sighed again. “Listen, Cerise, I don’t mind Terry being here. I like him, he’s a nice boy. But it’s pretty obvious you two still have feelings for each other so maybe you should figure out the nature of your relationship, regardless of his living arrangements.”
Cerise tried not to blush. It was so weird to have her mom giving her relationship advice. “Well what if we did get back together? Would he still be allowed to stay here?”
“Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it,” she answered cryptically.
“You guys are totally gonna cross that bridge,” said Simone, flouncing out of the kitchen with a chuckle.
Cerise sighed dramatically and stuffed the sandwiches into her back-pack. God, what was taking Terry so long anyway?
“Up and at ‘em!”
Shauna pulled the pillow over her head, thinking for a moment that she was back at Stan’s and she could get him to go away by pretending he wasn’t there. But she was back home and her mother was waking her up, pulling the pillow and blankets away.
“Time to get up!” she sang out, being eerily cheery.
“But I’m tired.”
“Shauna, I’ve given you weeks to get over whatever is troubling you. It’s time to move on. Now get up, you have chores to do!”
“Chores?” Shauna sat up and rubbed her eyes.
“First we’ll do the laundry…”
“Why? I never had to do stuff like that before.”
“And that was the problem, wasn’t it? You were spoiled. You had no sense of discipline or responsibility. Well, that’ll all be different now. You’ll always have plenty of things to do from now on.”
Shauna got up and looked at the clothes her mother was laying out for her. They were things she’d never seen before. Colourful, girly clothes.
“And I’m never letting you out of my sight again!” her mother said ominously.
Karine didn’t want to be a totally selfish bitch but it was kind of bullshit how Terry’s deal with his parents was completely overshadowing the play. It was already closing night and no one even cared. People who didn’t even know Terry were talking about him!
She was giving a kick-ass performance every night but no one was talking about that. She was going to every class in full makeup and nobody even noticed! It was completely infuriating!
Everyone was at tonight’s performance so she really gave it her all. There was a lot of applause but no standing ovation. Total bullshit. Backstage Hugh and Fred congratulated her and said she’d been great but that didn’t help. It sucked that it was over. It had been so much fun rehearsing all the time, really being
Alice, being the star of the show, and now it
She stood in the dressing room, slowly putting her real clothes back on as everyone laughed and cheered around her. Every once in a while someone would come over and hug her and say how awesome she’d been. They all sang the Alice songs and she sang along even though her heart wasn’t in it. She didn’t want to go home. She knew she had to because she had to get the house ready for the cast party but she just wanted to stay in the dressing room forever. She wanted to keep the blue dress on and keep this makeup on, with the bright red cheeks and the child-like freckles. It would be so cool to really be
in some strange land where normal rules don’t apply.
Everyone was gone now, off to strike the set and she was glad that her party was a good excuse not to join them. She certainly didn’t want to see them destroy the world they’d created. Hugh had taped tonight’s performance and she couldn’t wait to watch it and relieve the experience. Theatre was definitely what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. She never wanted to leave this world.
She met Terry in Casgrain and he gave her a big hug and a wide smile, raving about how awesome she’d been. Even though he didn’t give her flowers - which he would have done for Cerise - her spirits were lifted and they walked to his car together, almost like they were a couple.
They’d already stocked up on snacks and beer so when they got to her place they just had to put on some music and put chips into bowls. The house was a little messier than she would have liked but without a boyfriend to help out it was kind of hard to keep the place clean. Maybe she shouldn’t have broken up with Peter after all. Then again, he wasn’t so great at household stuff anyway, not the way Steven had been. Sometimes Karine missed Steven. They’d been together for so long; it was weird not to have him around. He’d always been there for her, always ready to listen and help her do stuff and keep her company when she got lonely in this big house.
About an hour later everyone else arrived and it was just like the old days with the whole house alive with activity. People were playing Wii in the den, dancing in the living room, smoking outside, hooking-up upstairs and hanging out in the kitchen.
“Hey bitch! Where do I put the party favours?” asked Janice as she skipped into the kitchen, already seemingly high.
“Wherever you like,” laughed Karine.
She watched as Janice cleared some space on the kitchen table and opened a baggie of white powder, delicately dumping some down. She used a credit card to make lines and then snorted them up with a rolled up twenty-dollar bill, just like in an ‘80s movie.
“You want?” she offered.
“Oh what the hell,” said Karine, sitting next to her.
She didn’t want to sound like a noob, all asking how to do it right so she just went for it, and quickly snorted up a line into her left nostril. Janice had snorted into both nostrils but Karine thought it best to just do one line her first time. It felt kind of grosss but the effects were almost immediate. She felt fantastic! This was awesome! She had to find Terry!
Everyone was obviously having the best time ever ‘cause her parties were always the best! Everyone was dancing and totally having tons of fun and it was all ‘cause she was the best at throwing parties! She jumped into the middle of the dance floor and grooved with everyone and they were all saying how she was the best Alice ever and Laura was such a shitty
Alice in comparison and it was totally
true! All the guys were watching her
dance, no doubt dreaming about hooking-up with her ‘cause she was so gorgeous
but she wouldn’t give any of them the time of day ‘cause only the hottest guy
was good enough for her. She found Terry
outside smoking a cigarette with Willy of all people.
“Seriously, you’re smoking with this loser? What the fuck?”
“Which one of us you talking to?” asked Willy with a snort.
Terry laughed too and flicked away his cigarette, taking Karine’s hand and going back inside with her. They went to the living room and danced. Everyone else was totally watching them ‘cause they were so hot and made such a great couple.
“Are Janice and Peter a thing now?” asked Terry.
In the corner of the room Janice and Peter were making out. What the hell? Oh whatever, like Karine even cared. Those two losers deserved each other. Janice would dump him in about two seconds when she remembered how shitty he was in bed and Peter would dump Janice as soon as he realized she was a total hooker.
“You should totally move in here, Terry, staying at Cherry’s place is retarded.”
“You said yourself I’d have to sneak around, never knowing if your mom is gonna be around.”
“God, whatever! Look at all the space I have!” She spread out her arms and hit some dude in the chest. He didn’t seem too upset about it.
“Yeah but I’m kinda liking it at Cerise’s. We’re all like flirting and shit. I think we might get back together.”
“God, fuck Cerise!”
Terry stopped dancing and looked at Karine all weird. She took his hand and pulled him into the hallway where the music was less loud. “Look, no offense to Cerise but fuck, I wish you’d move in here ‘cause like, I’m totally lonely all alone here all the time. It could be fun if you were here.”
“Shit, Karine, I’m sorry, why didn’t you say so?”
“I just did, fuck!” And with that she threw her arms around him and kissed him full on the lips.
He kissed her back for a second and then pulled her away and looked into her eyes. “Are you high?”
She giggled. “I did coke!”
“Yeah, Janice has a whole bunch. It’s awesome, do you wanna try it?”
“I dunno,” he paused and looked around. “Cerise would like, I mean she’d never get back with me if I started doing drugs.”
“Oh my god, Terry! Who gives a shit what Cerise thinks?”
“Well I give a shit.”
“It’s not like she’d have to know.”
“Be quiet,” he shushed and leaned back, peering into the kitchen. “She’ll hear you.”
Karine skipped over to the kitchen doorway and looked inside. Cerise was hanging out with Sarah and Cassie and some other girls from school. What a bunch of losers.
She skipped back to Terry and leaned in with a whisper. “It’ll be so much fun if we do it together. And it’s not like we’ll make it a regular thing. And I won’t tell Cerise or anyone.”
“Yeah,” he considered it but then totally chickened out like a fucking asshole loser. “But I don’t wanna lose control. I’d just end up fucking some random chick and then it would just be even harder to get back with Cerise.”
“God!” screamed Karine. “Fucking fuck Cerise! You guys are such fucking losers, you deserve each other!”
“Was that Karine?” asked Jay, seeing her jump into the room and start dancing.
Janice joined her and they did a sexy dance, all rubbing up on each other and stuff and it was pretty hot even when Janice got in the way of his view of Karine.
“Did she just say ‘fuck Cerise’?” asked that Tom guy.
Why was that Tom guy even hanging out with them? It’s like he was Karl’s BFF now, always around and shit. They were all sitting on the couch, drinking beers, and Willy came in reeking of smoke and tried to squeeze in but they pushed him away and he said it was his job to fuck Cerise so they pushed him to the ground and stomped on him. He reached up for a bowl of chips on the coffee table and brought them down to the floor.
“There’s Terry,” said Vani, getting up and robot-dancing towards his man crush, stepping on Willy in the process, who just stayed on the ground, lying there like a beached whale.
“Did you hear he’s living at her house now?” asked that Tom guy.
“Yep,” nodded Karl.
“They like, live in the same house.”
“I hate everything,” grumbled that Tom guy.
“That’s what everything is there for,” nodded Karl.
They heard loud crunches coming from the floor and then a long burp. Karl and Jay simultaneously lifted their feet and stomped down on Willy.
“Ungh!” he grunted. A moment later the crunching continued.
“Karine seems to be in a good mood tonight,” remarked Jay, watching her jump up on the dining room table with Janmegawhoreice.
“She’s probably the hottest chick I’ve ever seen in real life,” said that Tom guy.
“’Tis true,” nodded Karl. “She does possess significant degrees of hotness.”
“I guess she doesn’t go out with nerds, eh?”
“Nope,” said Karl. “Although I guess she did go out with Jay once.”
“Seriously?” that Tom guy asked as it if was the most unbelievable thing ever.
“Yeah, seriously,” said Jay. “We went to grad together.”
“Nah, it was all a big joke on Karine’s part,” said Willy, leaning up on his elbows.
“Shut the fuck up, blubber butt,” said Jay, pushing Willy’s head down with his socked foot.
“Sarah goes out with nerds though,” said that Tom guy.
“Don’t even think about it,” said Karl without missing a beat.
Vani was nodding at whatever Terry TrebilivingatcasaLaframboisesky was saying and then started dancing in a weird way, circling his man crush, bobbing up and down. God, why didn’t he just blow him and get it over with?
“Cavity goes out with nerds,” offered Willy, his head once again popping up at their knees.
“Yeah but she’s already going out with one,” said that Tom guy.
“Not for long!” said Willy menacingly.
“What are you gonna do?” asked Jay.
“Never you mind, Jay-bird, just leave it to me!”
“Seriously, what are you gonna do?” asked that Tom guy, finishing off his beer.
“I dunno, just sounded cool to say I’d take care of it, which I totally will!”
“Maybe you should just leave them alone,” suggested that Tom guy, like it was acceptable for a cute chick like Cavity to be going out with a total loser like Jojo.
Speak of the devil, Cavity walked in with Sarah and Cerise and they started dancing with a bunch of other girls. Cavity seriously was way too cute to be with Jojo and it was probably a good sign that she hadn’t brought him tonight. She never brought Jojo around anymore and since she was always around one could only guess that they’d basically broken up. Jojo was probably too clueless to realize it but Cavity was obviously willing to move on. She’d been into Lee for a while but he was a jerk. She deserved a good guy, a better guy than Lee or Jojo. She deserved Jay. Yeah, she really did. She was cool and into cool stuff. She’d totally go out with him, wouldn’t she? Sarah had gone out with him. And none of the guys would give him shit for going for Cavity, would they? All he had to do was go for it. What’s the worst that could happen, aside from cripplingly humiliating rejection?
Before he could lose his nerve he went up to her and started dancing as though he was dancing with the group, but he looked at her the whole time. Cavity totally looked back at him, all smiling and being flirtatious and cute.
“What the fuck?” said Vani, jumping into the spot vacated by Jay, thus preventing Willy from getting it, who was about to get off the ground and go for it but was too slow on the draw.
“What the fuck, what?” asked Cerise’s semi-goth ex-boyfriend whose name always escaped Willy.
“Check out Jebediah Springfield over there,” Vani pointed towards Jay, who was totally trying to mack on Cavity.
“He’s totally trying to mack on Cavity,” said Willy.
“Totally,” agreed Vani.
“Typical,” said Karl.
“How’s that typical?” asked goth guy.
“It’s totally Jay’s thing to mack on other guys’ chicks.”
“But you guys don’t even like Jonah. I thought you wanted to break them up.”
“Well yeah,” said Vani. “But we don’t want her to get together with Jim-Bob over there!”
“He doesn’t deserve her!” said Willy, leaning up to snatch the beer Jay had left behind.
“Probably no one,” shrugged Vani. “But certainly not Joshua-Jana-John-Jill-Jessa-Jinger-Joseph-Josiah-Joy-Jedidiah-Jeremiah-Jason-James-Justin-Jackson-Johannah-Jennifer-Jordyn-Josie!”
Goth-guy stared at Vani. “Did you seriously memorize all the Duggar kids’ names just for that bit?”
“Please, you’re telling me you haven’t memorized their names?” asked Vani. “Check out this guy!” he inched his thumb in goth guy’s direction.
“You’re a freak,” laughed goth guy.
“And yet you knew those were the Duggar kids,” smirked Karl.
“You’re such a Jedidiah,” said Vani with a shake of his head.
Willy leaned up on Vani’s knees to push himself up off the floor. Vani made a strangled noise and accused Willy of being made of pink slime.
“I’m gonna make sure they don’t hook-up,” said Willy, leaving the boys a stink-bomb as a parting gift as he walked away from the couch.
“Oh god, it’s so toxic!” Vani screeched.
“Hey, cock-sucker!” Willy slapped Jay on the back, pushing him towards Cavity, who cringed and stepped backwards. “You gotta go under the shirt if you wanna feel up her titties!”
“Fuck off, vache qui rit, you smell like methane,” responded Jay loudly.
“Oh my god! I love that cheese!” roared Karine as she jumped off the table. “You are fucking hilarious!” she nudged Jay and kept dancing like a whore.
Jay beamed like he’d just won the lottery and everyone kept dancing and Willy thought it best to slink outside for another smoke.