One thing Terry hadn’t considered was how he was going to
masturbate in this house. Obviously he
had to do it but it was totally weird.
It felt gross to do it in the shower and even grosser to do it on the
couch, especially because one of the girls could appear at any moment. Jules was seriously never leaving him
alone. He’d woken up this morning to
find her leaning on the back of the couch, staring at him. It was pretty creepy.
Cerise’s mom was being pretty
cool even though this whole situation was pretty weird. Maybe he really should stay at Karine’s even
though he’d have to be all hidden. It
could be pretty cool to stay in her room.
She’d have to come in all the time to get her clothes and shit and he’d
probably get to see her in her panties or something. He couldn’t believe he’d been friends with
her for five years and had never seen her naked!
Speaking of
naked, he and Cerise were getting along super well and flirting all the
time. This morning she’d made him toast
and squeezed his shoulder as she’d given it to him and then a couple seconds
ago he’d run into her in the bathroom and she was wearing nothing but a towel and
he pretended like he was gonna pull it off and she squealed and ran away all
cutely. God, it was totally making him
horny! As he brushed his teeth he
thought about how he could drive off to someplace really isolated during the
day and jerk-off in his car. Was it
illegal to do something like that in a car, in a public place? Probably, but he didn’t have a choice! He would never be able to survive this! Maybe if he just locked the bathroom door he could
jerk-off super quickly. He could use
toilet paper to clean up and flush the evidence.
Cerise
waited for Terry in the kitchen and decided to pack them lunches. Usually they bought something at the Munch
Box but now that he was driving her to school she had tons of extra time in the
morning so she decided to make them some sandwiches.
“Are you
making lunch for Terry?” asked Simone wryly.
“So?”
“Are you
guys getting back together?” she asked.
“No.”
“Why not?”
Cerise
turned to Simone and was going to say something snarky but then saw that their
mom was also in the kitchen.
“It’s a
fair question,” Angela said.
Cerise
shrugged, unsure of what to say.
“You guys
are being pretty flirty,” Simone pointed out.
“No we’re
not.” Cerise could feel her cheeks
flush and she took her time putting things back into the fridge.
“It would
be pretty weird if you guys got back together and he was still living here,”
said Simone.
“I agree,”
said Angela. “I don’t mind Terry staying
here for a little while but I really think he should work things out with his
parents and go back home.”
“Mom, his
parents are total assholes!
“Language!”
“Sorry, his
spawning-units are total
assholes. But it’s true, they’re
seriously messed up. I mean just because
you’re an awesome mom, doesn’t mean every parent is like that,” Cerise grinned,
being pretty transparent about trying to butter up her mom.
Angela
rolled her eyes and sighed. “They’re
still his parents and I’m sure they’re worried sick.”
“Mom, he’s
eighteen! It’s not like they even have
any legal claim over him. He can go
where he wants.”
“And he
wants to be in my house, with my daughter?” she asked with a smirk.
“I’m his
friend! God, do you want him to like,
pay rent or something?” Cerise asked sarcastically, hoping Angela wouldn’t take
the suggestion seriously.
“Of course
not,” Angela sighed again. “Listen,
Cerise, I don’t mind Terry being here. I
like him, he’s a nice boy. But it’s
pretty obvious you two still have feelings for each other so maybe you should
figure out the nature of your relationship, regardless of his living
arrangements.”
Cerise
tried not to blush. It was so weird to
have her mom giving her relationship advice.
“Well what if we did get back together?
Would he still be allowed to stay here?”
“Let’s
cross that bridge when we get to it,” she answered cryptically.
“You guys
are totally gonna cross that bridge,” said Simone, flouncing out of the kitchen
with a chuckle.
Cerise
sighed dramatically and stuffed the sandwiches into her back-pack. God, what was taking Terry so long anyway?
“Up and at
‘em!”
Shauna
pulled the pillow over her head, thinking for a moment that she was back at
Stan’s and she could get him to go away by pretending he wasn’t there. But she was back home and her mother was
waking her up, pulling the pillow and blankets away.
“Time to
get up!” she sang out, being eerily cheery.
“But I’m
tired.”
“Shauna,
I’ve given you weeks to get over whatever is troubling you. It’s time to move on. Now get up, you have chores to do!”
“Chores?” Shauna sat up and rubbed her eyes.
“First
we’ll do the laundry…”
“Why? I never had to do stuff like that before.”
“And that
was the problem, wasn’t it? You were
spoiled. You had no sense of discipline
or responsibility. Well, that’ll all be
different now. You’ll always have plenty
of things to do from now on.”
Shauna got
up and looked at the clothes her mother was laying out for her. They were things she’d never seen
before. Colourful, girly clothes.
“And I’m
never letting you out of my sight again!” her mother said ominously.
Karine
didn’t want to be a totally selfish bitch but it was kind of bullshit how
Terry’s deal with his parents was completely overshadowing the play. It was already closing night and no one even
cared. People who didn’t even know Terry
were talking about him!
She was
giving a kick-ass performance every night but no one was talking about
that. She was going to every class in
full makeup and nobody even noticed! It
was completely infuriating!
Everyone
was at tonight’s performance so she really gave it her all. There was a lot of applause but no standing
ovation. Total bullshit. Backstage Hugh and Fred congratulated her and
said she’d been great but that didn’t help.
It sucked that it was over. It
had been so much fun rehearsing all the time, really being Alice , being the star of the show, and now it
was over.
She stood
in the dressing room, slowly putting her real clothes back on as everyone
laughed and cheered around her. Every
once in a while someone would come over and hug her and say how awesome she’d
been. They all sang the Alice songs and
she sang along even though her heart wasn’t in it. She didn’t want to go home. She knew she had to because she had to get
the house ready for the cast party but she just wanted to stay in the dressing
room forever. She wanted to keep the
blue dress on and keep this makeup on, with the bright red cheeks and the child-like
freckles. It would be so cool to really
be Alice , lost
in some strange land where normal rules don’t apply.
Everyone
was gone now, off to strike the set and she was glad that her party was a good
excuse not to join them. She certainly
didn’t want to see them destroy the world they’d created. Hugh had taped tonight’s performance and she
couldn’t wait to watch it and relieve the experience. Theatre was definitely what she wanted to do
with the rest of her life. She never
wanted to leave this world.
She met
Terry in Casgrain and he gave her a big hug and a wide smile, raving about how
awesome she’d been. Even though he
didn’t give her flowers - which he would have done for Cerise - her spirits
were lifted and they walked to his car together, almost like they were a
couple.
They’d
already stocked up on snacks and beer so when they got to her place they just
had to put on some music and put chips into bowls. The house was a little messier than she would
have liked but without a boyfriend to help out it was kind of hard to keep the
place clean. Maybe she shouldn’t have
broken up with Peter after all. Then
again, he wasn’t so great at household stuff anyway, not the way Steven had
been. Sometimes Karine missed Steven. They’d been together for so long; it was
weird not to have him around. He’d
always been there for her, always ready to listen and help her do stuff and
keep her company when she got lonely in this big house.
About an
hour later everyone else arrived and it was just like the old days with the
whole house alive with activity. People
were playing Wii in the den, dancing in the living room, smoking outside,
hooking-up upstairs and hanging out in the kitchen.
“Hey
bitch! Where do I put the party
favours?” asked Janice as she skipped into the kitchen, already seemingly high.
“Wherever
you like,” laughed Karine.
She watched
as Janice cleared some space on the kitchen table and opened a baggie of white
powder, delicately dumping some down.
She used a credit card to make lines and then snorted them up with a
rolled up twenty-dollar bill, just like in an ‘80s movie.
“You want?”
she offered.
“Oh what
the hell,” said Karine, sitting next to her.
She didn’t
want to sound like a noob, all asking how to do it right so she just went for
it, and quickly snorted up a line into her left nostril. Janice had snorted into both nostrils but
Karine thought it best to just do one line her first time. It felt kind of grosss but the effects were
almost immediate. She felt
fantastic! This was awesome! She had to find Terry!
Everyone
was obviously having the best time ever ‘cause her parties were always the
best! Everyone was dancing and totally
having tons of fun and it was all ‘cause she was the best at throwing
parties! She jumped into the middle of
the dance floor and grooved with everyone and they were all saying how she was
the best Alice ever and Laura was such a shitty Alice in comparison and it was totally
true! All the guys were watching her
dance, no doubt dreaming about hooking-up with her ‘cause she was so gorgeous
but she wouldn’t give any of them the time of day ‘cause only the hottest guy
was good enough for her. She found Terry
outside smoking a cigarette with Willy of all people.
“Seriously,
you’re smoking with this loser? What the
fuck?”
“Which one
of us you talking to?” asked Willy with a snort.
Terry
laughed too and flicked away his cigarette, taking Karine’s hand and going back
inside with her. They went to the living
room and danced. Everyone else was
totally watching them ‘cause they were so hot and made such a great couple.
“Are Janice
and Peter a thing now?” asked Terry.
In the
corner of the room Janice and Peter were making out. What the hell? Oh whatever, like Karine even cared. Those two losers deserved each other. Janice would dump him in about two seconds
when she remembered how shitty he was in bed and Peter would dump Janice as
soon as he realized she was a total hooker.
“You should
totally move in here, Terry, staying at Cherry’s place is retarded.”
“You said
yourself I’d have to sneak around, never knowing if your mom is gonna be
around.”
“God, whatever! Look at all the space I have!” She spread out
her arms and hit some dude in the chest.
He didn’t seem too upset about it.
“Yeah but
I’m kinda liking it at Cerise’s. We’re
all like flirting and shit. I think we
might get back together.”
“God, fuck
Cerise!”
Terry
stopped dancing and looked at Karine all weird.
She took his hand and pulled him into the hallway where the music was
less loud. “Look, no offense to Cerise
but fuck, I wish you’d move in here ‘cause like, I’m totally lonely all alone
here all the time. It could be fun if
you were here.”
“Shit,
Karine, I’m sorry, why didn’t you say so?”
“I just
did, fuck!” And with that she threw her
arms around him and kissed him full on the lips.
He kissed
her back for a second and then pulled her away and looked into her eyes. “Are you high?”
She
giggled. “I did coke!”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,
Janice has a whole bunch. It’s awesome,
do you wanna try it?”
“I dunno,”
he paused and looked around. “Cerise
would like, I mean she’d never get back with me if I started doing drugs.”
“Oh my god,
Terry! Who gives a shit what Cerise
thinks?”
“Well I
give a shit.”
“It’s not
like she’d have to know.”
“Be quiet,”
he shushed and leaned back, peering into the kitchen. “She’ll hear you.”
Karine
skipped over to the kitchen doorway and looked inside. Cerise was hanging out with Sarah and Cassie
and some other girls from school. What a
bunch of losers.
She skipped
back to Terry and leaned in with a whisper.
“It’ll be so much fun if we do it together. And it’s not like we’ll make it a regular
thing. And I won’t tell Cerise or
anyone.”
“Yeah,” he
considered it but then totally chickened out like a fucking asshole loser. “But I don’t wanna lose control. I’d just end up fucking some random chick and
then it would just be even harder to get back with Cerise.”
“God!”
screamed Karine. “Fucking fuck
Cerise! You guys are such fucking
losers, you deserve each other!”
“Was that Karine?” asked Jay,
seeing her jump into the room and start dancing.
Janice joined her and they did a
sexy dance, all rubbing up on each other and stuff and it was pretty hot even
when Janice got in the way of his view of Karine.
“Did she
just say ‘fuck Cerise’?” asked that Tom guy.
Why was
that Tom guy even hanging out with them?
It’s like he was Karl’s BFF now, always around and shit. They were all sitting on the couch, drinking
beers, and Willy came in reeking of smoke and tried to squeeze in but they
pushed him away and he said it was his job to fuck Cerise so they pushed him to
the ground and stomped on him. He
reached up for a bowl of chips on the coffee table and brought them down to the
floor.
“There’s
Terry,” said Vani, getting up and robot-dancing towards his man crush, stepping
on Willy in the process, who just stayed on the ground, lying there like a
beached whale.
“Did you
hear he’s living at her house now?” asked that Tom guy.
“Yep,”
nodded Karl.
“They like,
live in the same house.”
“Yep.”
“I hate
everything,” grumbled that Tom guy.
“That’s
what everything is there for,” nodded Karl.
They heard
loud crunches coming from the floor and then a long burp. Karl and Jay simultaneously lifted their feet
and stomped down on Willy.
“Ungh!” he
grunted. A moment later the crunching
continued.
“Karine
seems to be in a good mood tonight,” remarked Jay, watching her jump up on the
dining room table with Janmegawhoreice.
“She’s
probably the hottest chick I’ve ever seen in real life,” said that Tom guy.
“’Tis
true,” nodded Karl. “She does possess
significant degrees of hotness.”
“I guess
she doesn’t go out with nerds, eh?”
“Nope,”
said Karl. “Although I guess she did go
out with Jay once.”
“Seriously?”
that Tom guy asked as it if was the most unbelievable thing ever.
“Yeah,
seriously,” said Jay. “We went to grad
together.”
“For real?”
“Nah, it
was all a big joke on Karine’s part,” said Willy, leaning up on his
elbows.
“Shut the
fuck up, blubber butt,” said Jay, pushing Willy’s head down with his socked
foot.
“Sarah goes
out with nerds though,” said that Tom guy.
“Don’t even
think about it,” said Karl without missing a beat.
Vani was
nodding at whatever Terry TrebilivingatcasaLaframboisesky was saying and then
started dancing in a weird way, circling his man crush, bobbing up and
down. God, why didn’t he just blow him
and get it over with?
“Cavity
goes out with nerds,” offered Willy, his head once again popping up at their
knees.
“Yeah but
she’s already going out with one,” said that Tom guy.
“Not for
long!” said Willy menacingly.
“What are
you gonna do?” asked Jay.
“Never you
mind, Jay-bird, just leave it to me!”
“Seriously,
what are you gonna do?” asked that Tom guy, finishing off his beer.
“I dunno,
just sounded cool to say I’d take care of it, which I totally will!”
“Maybe you
should just leave them alone,” suggested that Tom guy, like it was acceptable
for a cute chick like Cavity to be going out with a total loser like Jojo.
Speak of the
devil, Cavity walked in with Sarah and Cerise and they started dancing with a
bunch of other girls. Cavity seriously
was way too cute to be with Jojo and it was probably a good sign that she
hadn’t brought him tonight. She never
brought Jojo around anymore and since she was always around one could only
guess that they’d basically broken up.
Jojo was probably too clueless to realize it but Cavity was obviously
willing to move on. She’d been into Lee
for a while but he was a jerk. She
deserved a good guy, a better guy than Lee or Jojo. She deserved Jay. Yeah, she really did. She was cool and into cool stuff. She’d totally go out with him, wouldn’t
she? Sarah had gone out with him. And none of the guys would give him shit for
going for Cavity, would they? All he had
to do was go for it. What’s the worst
that could happen, aside from cripplingly humiliating rejection?
Before he
could lose his nerve he went up to her and started dancing as though he was
dancing with the group, but he looked at her the whole time. Cavity totally looked back at him, all
smiling and being flirtatious and cute.
“What the
fuck?” said Vani, jumping into the spot vacated by Jay, thus preventing Willy
from getting it, who was about to get off the ground and go for it but was too
slow on the draw.
“What the
fuck, what?” asked Cerise’s semi-goth ex-boyfriend whose name always escaped
Willy.
“Check out
Jebediah Springfield over there,” Vani pointed towards Jay, who was totally
trying to mack on Cavity.
“He’s
totally trying to mack on Cavity,” said Willy.
“Totally,”
agreed Vani.
“Typical,”
said Karl.
“How’s that
typical?” asked goth guy.
“It’s
totally Jay’s thing to mack on other guys’ chicks.”
“But you
guys don’t even like Jonah. I thought
you wanted to break them up.”
“Well
yeah,” said Vani. “But we don’t want her
to get together with Jim-Bob over there!”
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t
deserve her!” said Willy, leaning up to snatch the beer Jay had left behind.
“Who does?”
“Probably
no one,” shrugged Vani. “But certainly
not
Joshua-Jana-John-Jill-Jessa-Jinger-Joseph-Josiah-Joy-Jedidiah-Jeremiah-Jason-James-Justin-Jackson-Johannah-Jennifer-Jordyn-Josie!”
Goth-guy stared
at Vani. “Did you seriously memorize all the Duggar kids’ names just for that
bit?”
“Please,
you’re telling me you haven’t
memorized their names?” asked Vani.
“Check out this guy!” he inched his thumb in goth guy’s direction.
“You’re a
freak,” laughed goth guy.
“And yet
you knew those were the Duggar kids,” smirked Karl.
“You’re
such a Jedidiah,” said Vani with a shake of his head.
Willy
leaned up on Vani’s knees to push himself up off the floor. Vani made a strangled noise and accused Willy
of being made of pink slime.
“I’m gonna make sure they don’t
hook-up,” said Willy, leaving the boys a stink-bomb as a parting gift as he
walked away from the couch.
“Oh god,
it’s so toxic!” Vani screeched.
“Hey,
cock-sucker!” Willy slapped Jay on the back, pushing him towards Cavity, who
cringed and stepped backwards. “You
gotta go under the shirt if you wanna feel up her titties!”
“Fuck off,
vache qui rit, you smell like methane,” responded Jay loudly.
“Oh my
god! I love that cheese!” roared Karine
as she jumped off the table. “You are
fucking hilarious!” she nudged Jay and kept dancing like a whore.
Jay beamed
like he’d just won the lottery and everyone kept dancing and Willy thought it
best to slink outside for another smoke.
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