As soon as Jay got to school he rushed over to Sarah’s locker and ran up to her as fast as he could without looking like he was actually running.
“Listen I,” he began.
“I’m sorry,” she said immediately upon seeing him.
“No I’m sorry,” he exhaled. “I was a total dick, no pun intended.”
She giggled. “No, I was a bitch, all like pressuring you and stuff when you clearly weren’t ready.”
“No, I like was a total lamebot. I mean I didn’t even like, you know, finish the job. I mean, I didn’t even you know, make you, you know…”
“Come?” she smirked.
“Shhhh!” he hissed and looked around. “I should have kept working until I made it happen.”
“That would have entailed working at all,” she said biting her lip.
He deflated. “I know! I’m sorry!”
“No, I’m just kidding, it was fine. I mean everyone’s first time is horrendous. My first time wasn’t exactly amazing. Karl probably told you all about it.”
“Karl doesn’t talk about his personal life. So you never did it before Karl?”
“No, what did you think I was like some mega slut or something?”
“Well anyway, next time will be better. I mean, assuming you want there to be a next time?” She managed to look so adorable saying this that Jay almost came in his pants. He really needed to control his jizz reflex, didn’t he?
“Of course, of course! I wanna do it all the time! In fact, let’s do it right now!”
He grabbed her and she squealed a girly squeal of total cuteness. He dipped her down and managed to feel rather manly doing it since she weighed like about two pounds. They laughed and kissed and everything was right with the world once again.
“I like it,” said Rod when he saw Shauna’s bare pussy. At first she was pleased by the extra attention but soon receiving oral was like sandpaper rubbing against sandpaper and she asked him to stop. Sex was even worse. His skin kept pulling against hers and it was agony. The hair was already growing back and it was as though she could feel each and every hair being yanked and pulled as he moved his disgusting body against hers. When it was finally over she asked him just to go so she could take a bath right away.
She tried not to let Stan see at all but eventually he got her naked and he didn’t like the look at all, which was weird considering his pedobear fetish with wanting her to call him daddy and all that. He asked her why she did it and she said it was meant to be a surprise for him but then when she saw it she didn’t like it and was embarrassed to show him. He bought it hook line and sinker and was touched by her effort and amused by her embarrassment. That scored her two whole days without nagging so she was starting to think the whole experiment had been worth it but then the itchiness set in.
It was so bad she was practically losing her mind! But then scratching just made it worse. But not scratching was worse than that. And there was always someone around so she couldn’t exactly scratch herself with them watching. At the moment they were all sitting on the couch playing whatever the fuck video game and of course Shauna was sitting there with them like the dutiful girlfriend even though she hated these stupid games. Stan so totally didn’t deserve her. Rod either. Who else would put up with so much shit? Normal girls made their boyfriends follow them around the mall carrying their shopping bags. Normal girls didn’t sit and watch their boyfriends blow shit up.
And why was she even worried about what they would think? So what if she scratched in front of them? It’s not like they were paying attention to her and it’s not like they weren’t constantly scratching their disgusting crotches and oh my god, if she didn’t scratch right now the whole world would end. She went ahead and scratched, trying to be subtle about it. None of them noticed. God, life was so boring. This scratchiness was so not worth it.
Everything was going pretty well. Jay and Sarah had made up and he’d passed that physics exam, not by much, but still. And he was giving serious thought to suggesting they start up a new campaign in the game. The existing campaign was good but Vani always stole everyone’s thunder and maybe it’d be fun to try something in the superhero universe. Having superpowers would be awesome. Jay had often thought it would be cool to fly or be invisible or have super strength but lately he was thinking it might be cool to have psionic abilities. Like telepathy. How cool would it be to always know what other were thinking? Then he could avoid any embarrassing situations. Better yet it would be awesome to have mind-control powers. Then he could make everyone think he was cool. Then he wouldn’t just be going out with Sarah but with Karine as well. And she’d do anything he wanted. Anything. That was kind of creepy he supposed but maybe just having subtle abilities to influence others, ‘cause isn’t that what good-looking and charming people had? It was always so easy for Terry Trebidouchsky just ‘cause he was good-looking and supposedly charismatic. Everyone wanted to suck his cock all the time. He’d probably never had to go through an ordeal like Jay had endured with Sarah. Everyone just loved him all the time for no reason, no matter how much of an asshole he was. For sure he was working some kind of secret mojo Jay was immune to. Thank god for that.
The guys sure were taking their sweet ass time getting here. They were half an hour late. Willy was never on time but it wasn’t like Karl to be tardy. Just then Jay heard the front door open and a second later the guys were traipsing down the stairs.
“So I was thinking we should do a superhero campaign,” began Jay, noticing that they were all still wearing their coats.
“Ugh, that’s so like you!” Snarled Vani. “Always thinking about super powers when we’re trying to expulse you!”
“Way to get straight to the point,” said Willy with some surprise.
Karl also seemed surprised, or perhaps impressed. What the fuck was going on? Had Vani said something about expulsion? But Jojo wasn’t even there.
This wasn’t going to be fun. But Karine was never one to shy away from hard work, no matter how unpleasant it would be. Time and again she’d managed to talk Steve into doing her housework no matter how much they were fighting at the time, so really, this would be no different. She couldn’t half-ass this. She had to follow through with her plan and talking to Sarah face to face was the most effective way of making sure everything worked our correctly.
Karine texted Sarah to make sure she’d be home and then she headed straight over. Sarah obviously asked what this was all about but Karine didn’t answer the text. She just turned up.
There was some awkwardness with saying hi to Sarah’s parents and she had to talk about school for a while but finally Sarah took her to the living room.
“So what’s up?” asked Sarah.
“We have to talk,” said Karine, trying to keep the right mix of seriousness and sympathy in her face.
“Did you say expulsion?” asked Jay, knowing from the stern expression on Karl’s face, the ridiculous one on Vani’s and the angry one on Willy’s that the answer was yes and they meant to expulse him.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” yelled Willy so loudly that Vani actually shushed him.
“Thinking about what?” asked Jay, stupefied.
“About Sarah, you fucking waste of space!”
“Dude, calm down,” counselled Vani, placing a hand on Willy’s arm.
Wow, anytime Vani was the voice of reason, you knew something serious was going down.
“Ok, something is obviously seriously wrong,” said Sarah as she sat down on the couch. Wow, the TV in here was huge. “What’s going on? Is everything ok?”
“Sarah, I think you know what’s going on,” said Karine, hoping Sarah would be able to get there by herself. Or at least believe she’d gotten there by herself once Karine laid the proper groundwork.
“No, I really don’t. What is it?”
“Oh come on, Sarah. Did you really think you could hook up with Jay and have it be totally cool?”
“Me and Jay? Why wouldn’t it be cool?” Sarah looked stunned
“Oh my god, do you like, seriously not know?” Karine drew in a breath and darted her eyes around, as though she’d just revealed a secret and felt terrible about it. “I just, I mean, I thought it was like, obvious. Oh my god, I thought you were being mean, but maybe it was just like, ignorance.”
“Karine, what the hell are you talking about?!”
“Me and Sarah?” asked Jay, his voice low, almost breaking.
“Yeah, duh!” glowered Willy while Vani nodded and Karl kept his eyes downcast.
“What about us?”
“Are you fucking retarded?” asked Willy. “She’s Karl’s chick. You just like totally stole her right from under him.”
“Well now,” Karl looked up, appearing annoyed. “He didn’t steal her.”
“Karl, I’ll take care of this,” said Willy with a surprising amount of authority. Karl appeared to be stunned silent. “Jay, you broke the bro code. Now obviously none of us go in for any of that frat boy bullshit but we have our own code, one that is unspoken, but silently acknowledge by us all. Correct?”
“Mmm, mmm, preach it, brother,” Vani nodded, with a hand upheld.
“And you have severely violated that trust, that sacred bond.”
“Can I hear an amen?!” Sang out Vani.
“Shut the fuck up, Vani, I’m being serious here,” snarled Willy, successfully silencing Vani like Jay had never seen before.
Shit, this was for real.
“Oh my god, now I feel like if I say anything I’m like violating Cerise’s trust,” said Karine, trying to keep a good degree of concern in her voice.
“Cerise, oh my god!” Sarah’s hand flew over her mouth and she stood up.
“So you do know what I’m talking about?”
“Well I mean, I never…” Sarah trailed off. “Like maybe in high school I suspected, for about like two seconds but then she got together with Terry. And I mean, who would crush on Jay if they were going out with Terry?”
“Don’t ask me to apply logic to all this! I mean obviously we all know Jay is nothing compared to Terry but like, does Cerise know that? I mean she’s always been kinda weird.”
“Ok, weird but not deficient,” snarked Sarah.
“So you admit Jay’s nothing special?”
“Well I mean, he’s a good guy. He’s cute in his own way, he’s nice, sort of. He’s trainable, Karine.”
“Fine, so go out with him, and totally betray Cerise.”
“You think I’m betraying her? But she’s all about Terry now!”
“Is she? Is she really? Then why did she even break up with him? Do any of us really know?”
“Oh my god! No, she never gave us a real reason. Oh my god, are you saying she broke up with Terry ‘cause she’s in love with Jay?!”
Karine paused for a moment. That wasn’t the angle she was going to go with, but it was pretty good. She simply shrugged.
“Oh my god, I’m a horrible person!” Sarah began to cry.
Wow, this had been so much easier than Karine had anticipated. She almost felt bad about it.
Jay felt his lower lip tremble and his cheeks getting warm. No way. No way was he going to lose his shit in front of the guys. He had to keep it together, no matter how mean Willy was being, that fucking asshole!
“Dude,” Willy threw off his coat and sat opposite Jay. “Think about what you’re doing. About what it means. You’re dating your best friend’s ex. I mean, who does that?”
“But Karl said he was cool with it,” Jay half-whispered, choking back the tears he refused to let flow.
“And you bought that shit? You know Karl is incapable of expressing his true feelings. But we all know they’re there. Just because he denies it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Karl is devastated, dude. Fucking broken.”
“Well I wouldn’t say broken,” Karl interjected.
“Dude, I got this!” Willy insisted, holding up a hand for emphasis. “Even if Karl was ok, it’s still not done, because this is about friendship and it’s about honour, of which you have none!”
“So fucking true, man, so fucking true,” Vani hissed softly, careful not to interrupt Willy.
“But…” Jay tried to speak.
“But what? What’s your justification? You have none, because there is none! Because it’s not done!”
“That rhymes,” said Vani so quietly that Jay didn’t catch it at first and had to take a moment to figure it out. A moment Willy used to stand up and loom over Jay.
“You have to break up with her.”
“I can’t,” said Jay, furiously wiping away a tear that had somehow formed on his cheek.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I like her.”
“Well I like Cerise but we can’t always get what we want now can we?”
“You like Cerise?”
“Of course I do you unobservant idiot! That’s not the fucking point!”
“Oh my god, I’m such a horrible person,” sobbed Sarah, doubling over and hugging her knees. “I never wanted to hurt her!”
“I know but…”
“I just really like Jay!”
“I mean did she say anything? I mean does she totally hate me now?”
“Well I mean…”
“It’s just that Jay and I really connect, you know? I mean, he’s not like Karl at all. He thinks all the clubs I’ve joined are cool. And he even said he’d join some of them. I mean true, he’s not necessarily the brightest bulb. Oh god, that’s such a mean thing to say. It’s not like he’s dumb. It’s not like I’m Karl, all thinking anyone who isn’t as smart as me is like automatically inferior. I mean I seriously do like Jay. And he likes me.”
“You like him enough to risk your friendship with Cerise?” asked Karine, trying to keep things on track.
“She’s like totally my best friend,” said Sarah, reaching for a Kleenex and blowing her nose.
“And you’re like, breaking her heart.”
“Really? Did she say that?”
Karine sighed. She didn’t want to lie. This was a lot harder than she’d anticipated. Sarah was beside herself and maybe this wasn’t completely justified. “Well no, she didn’t like come out and say it. It’s more just that I like read her body language. Cerise tries to be all secretive and shit, never saying anything but come on, everything she feels is right on her face. Surely you’ve noticed.”
“I know, her face is so expressive. I guess that’s why she’s so good at drama. She can say so much just with a look. I guess that’s why she won the drama award in Sec 5, eh?”
And this was getting easier again. “So then you know how she feels. You know she’s upset about you and Jay but is just too nice to say anything about it.”
“She acted like she was happy for us.”
“Did she really?”
Sarah sighed and shrugged.
“But she asked me out,” insisted Jay.
“So? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
“Karl said it was ok.”
“Stop making excuses, you plebe,” Willy snorted. “Get your shit together and ditch the bitch.”
“She’s not a bitch! And I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I’m telling you right now what you’ve done wrong!” Willy leaned over Jay and yelled in his face, spittle landing on his nose. Jay used the opportunity to wipe his moistened eyes as he wiped his face. “And I’m telling you how to fix it! You gotta dump her!”
“Am I stuttering?! No buts, Jay!”
Now there was no stopping the tears. They were big, fat, sloppy tears and they rolled down his face in a river of shame. Jay covered his hands with his hoodie sleeves and drew them down his face, hiccupping as he tried to stop the flow of humiliation.
“Jesus Christ, get yourself together,” said Willy with disgust.
“Not fair,” Jay managed to choke out.
“Nothing in life is fair, you delusional freak. So either you break up with her or you break up with us.”
“I’m such a bad friend,” said Sarah, flopping down onto the couch, dejected. She wasn’t crying anymore so that was good, but now she seemed to be having some sort of existential crisis. “I didn’t even care. I think I knew deep down, even though she never said anything that she was into Jay but I was so jealous of her, you know, for being with Terry. And he always seemed so great. Still does. And even though they’re not together anymore I’m still jealous ‘cause he obviously still wants her and apparently never even considered me. Maybe it's 'cause I’m Asian. Maybe he’s totally racist.”
“I don’t think…”
“No, I know. I know that’s not it. I used to tell myself it’s ‘cause I was too smart, too nerdy. But Cerise is even nerdier than I am. So that just made me even more jealous. You know when Cerise broke up with Terry this last time I totally wanted to get with him. I started flirting with him and stuff. But then at the cabane I saw that he and Cerise still had a thing going so maybe that made me even more jealous and maybe deep down I only went for Jay ‘cause I knew I could get him and ‘cause I knew she couldn’t. God, do you really think that’s it? Am I really that much of an asshole?”
“I don’t know,” said Karine sincerely. “Maybe we’re all assholes.”
“Why did Cerise get Terry? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Cerise, she’s seriously my best friend and she’s great. But sometimes I don’t get her and Terry together. They seem so different. So it’s like, if he went for her, why not me?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
It was no wonder really. Anytime anything good happened in Jay’s life there was sure to be a curveball two seconds later to remind him that nothing would ever go well for him. He was life’s punching bag. He snorted up his snot and wiped his face as Willy put his coat back on.
“Just think about it, Jay. Call us crazy but we don’t wanna hang out with a fucking back-stabbing pussy-hungry shit who cares more about sticking his egg roll in some Chinese dipping sauce than staying dedicated to one of his life-long friends.”
“Fuck you, Willy! Like you’re one to talk about dedication,” Jay sputtered.
“No, fuck you! We’ve given you the choices here. All you have to do is pick. It’s either the Oriental mega-meal or it’s your friends. The only friends you’re ever gonna have.”
Jesus Christ, Willy was losing his mind. Jay looked up and saw that Vani and even Karl seemed put off, maybe almost scared by the ferocity of Willy’s outburst.
“So how ‘bout this, Jay? You think about that for a while and you get back to us. Now get the fuck out.”
“This is my house!”
“And we’re out of here,” said Willy without missing a beat.
The guys left and Jay sat on the couch, dejected.
“Honey, are you ok?” his mother’s voice floated downstairs.
Oh god, had the whole family heard? “Leave me alone!” he screeched. Life was seriously the worst thing to ever happen to him.
Sarah sighed heavily. “I have to do the right thing. I mean Cerise would never do something like that to me. She’s never done anything mean to me. She’s always been a really good friend. And you came here to defend her. I wish I could be like you, Karine.”
Karine couldn’t even remember why it had seemed so crucial to get Sarah to dump Jay. Now she just felt like shit.
“You’re right. I have to break up with Jay.”
Mission accomplished. Karine left Sarah’s house and walked to the bus stop, feeling like a jerk.
Yes! Willy was awesome! That had been totally kick ass and he’d been amazing! Finally he’d had the chance to prove his total supreme awesomeness to the boys and now finally he would get the respect he deserved!
“Chinese dipping sauce!?” yelled Karl as he smacked the back of Willy’s head.
Totally worth it.