Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Season 2 – Episode 9 – Act I


            “So you’re back with Jonah?” asked Sarah.
            Karine was sitting with Sarah, Cassie and Cerise at the Munch Box and Cassie looked up from her lunch and nodded with a mouth full of fries. 
Seriously?  Cassie was back with Jojo?  Why?  Not that Cassie was the coolest chick around but she could do better than Jojo.  Not that Jojo was the most heinous guy who’d ever lived but he was close.  Karine couldn’t help but be relieved that her own prospects would never sink that low.  Maybe she wasn’t super crazy into Peter but at least he was cute and tall and not a complete and total loser.
            “Well that’s great!” Sarah enthused, beaming at the others.  “Now we all have boyfriends!”
            Oh right, Sarah was dating Jay, which was just the most hilarious thing ever.  Sarah could totally do better than Jay, but whatever, who was Karine to judge?
            “Well actually,” Cerise said meekly.
            “What?” asked Sarah, wide eyed.
            “Cerise broke up with Tom,” explained Karine.
            “Oh no! Why?  ‘Cause of Terry?” asked Sarah knowingly.
            Cerise nodded and Cassie and Sarah gave her sympathetic and understanding smiles.  Oh puke. Seriously?  They were going to be all supportive and shit?  Cerise should be with Tom.  She wasn’t good enough for Terry.  Not that she was some horrible harpy or anything but Karine seriously couldn’t stand the way Terry became all castrated whenever he was with his stupid Cherry angel.
            They carried on eating their lunches when Lee and the boys joined them at their table.  Jay sat next to Sarah and they started kissing in that unselfconscious way new couples have.  Vani and Willy make gagging noises and the rest of them snickered but Karine couldn’t help but notice Cerise’s discomfort.  She still had a thing for Jay, didn’t she?  How pathetic.  Jay was seriously a loser and he’d only gotten worse since high school.  Vani was improving and even Willy, while still hideous seemed to at least be showering more often but Jay just seemed to be getting increasingly despondent.  It was actually kind of annoying.  His only worth was his wacky sense of humour but even that was dwindling.  Maybe that’s why Sarah was suddenly into him.  Everyone knew she liked a project.  She’d fixed up Karl so he wasn’t completely lame and now maybe she was going to do the same for Jay.  She certainly had her work cut out for her.
            Jojo joined them and suddenly it was completely clear why Cassie was back with him.  She was trying to make Lee jealous.  Jojo was being his usual overly attentive self, hanging all over Cassie but all she could do was glare at Lee.  Like he even cared.  He so obviously didn’t and just talked with Vani about robots or something while completely ignoring Cassie and her stupid bitch face.
            Just when Karine thought she couldn’t take any more of this ridiculousness, Terry came along to save her.  He was looking good today, standing tall and looking more confident than he had in a while. The best evidence for him being back on his game was the fact that he was always here now and no longer eating in the cafeteria.  Although come to think of it, Karine had sort of liked eating in the caf with him, away from all these other hanger-onners.  But this was good too.
            “Hey Terry, guess what?” asked Cassie with a big grin.
            “What?” he asked casually, perching on the edge of Karine’s seat.
            “Cerise broke up with Tom.”
            Cerise blushed and looked sort of annoyed or embarrassed and everyone stared at Terry to gauge his reaction.  He was nonplussed. 
            “That’s too bad,” he smiled at Cerise.
            She shrugged and smiled back but he was already busy eating the remains of Karine’s sandwich, which she’d shoved under his nose.  Take that, Cerise!
           
            “Ugh! Disgusting!  It was completely disgusting!  And shameful!  Disgustingly shameful.  And shamefully disgusting!  What an asshole of epic proportions!” hollered Vani, not even bothering to keep his voice down.
            Some kids walking through Hochelaga looked their way but this was no time for restraint.  Jay had seriously crossed a line.  Sure, it was a line Willy would have loved to cross himself but no one needed to know that.  Out loud he simply agreed that Jay was a piece of shit and had some fucking nerve to be macking all over Sarah right in front of Karl.  Of course Karl fully deserved some comeuppance but Willy kept that opinion to himself.
            Karl just shrugged and agreed that Jay was an ass but that wasn’t news.
            “But now he’s gone too far!  Too far I say!” Vani pounded his fist into his hand.
            “So what do you wanna do about it?” Karl asked with one of his eyebrow wiggles.
            “Expulsion, totally expulsion,” suggested Willy but at the exact same moment Vani called for an expulsion and rather than be amused and call jinx, Vani roared at Willy and told him to stop reading his brain waves.
            “I didn’t read your brain waves.  Expulsion is the obvious solution.  The only solution.”   
            “That sounds awfully petty on my part,” said Karl.  “I mean let’s be honest.  It’s not like he’s in control of anything that’s happening.  We all know Sarah’s running the show.”
            “You saying she ran the show when she was with you?” smirked Willy.
            “Not nearly as much as she would have liked,” said Karl, not taking the bait.  “In fact, that’s why she broke up with me, ‘cause I wouldn’t be her bitch.  But Jay, he’s totally her bitch.  It’s obvious.”
            “So expulsion stands,” Vani said.  “I mean, we don’t wanna be hanging out with some bitch man-whore.”
            “You sure you’re not just jealous ‘cause he’s touching like, real live boobies?” asked Karl, wincing at his own question.
            “Of course I’m jealous!” hollered Vani. “What pathetic seventeen year-old virgin wouldn’t be?  But that’s not the point.  The point is that Jay crossed a line!”
            “Yeah!” agreed Willy.  “Wait, which line?”
            “The line that says you don’t betray your best friend, dumbass!  Jay is fucking Karl’s ex-girlfriend.”
            “I doubt they’re fucking,” mused Willy.  “I mean he’d be way more gleeful if they were.  Don’t you think?”
            “Shut up!  Karl, did he even ask permission?  Did he even ask you how you felt about it?  I mean I know you don’t have emotions but it’s just common courtesy to pretend you do in this sort of situation.”
            “Well actually, yeah, he sort of did.  I mean he did it in the bitchiest, most pathetic way ever but I guess, yeah.”
            “Still.  I would never betray you like that.  I seriously never would, Karl.  You have my word.”
            “And that word will comfort me on many cold, lonely nights, Vani, thank you,” nodded Karl.
            “Like you’d have the chance,” scoffed Willy.  “Come on, admit it, the only reason you’re not banging Sarah right now is ‘cause she hasn’t offered.”
            “Willy, stop talking before we expulse you too,” advised Vani.  “The reason Sarah hasn’t offered is because I haven’t put out a sex vibe.  ‘Cause I have restraint.  ‘Cause like, I mean, I have respect for my friendship with Robo-Karl.  I mean it’s not like Jay is any more alluring than me, right?”
            “Yeah sure,” shrugged Karl and Willy nodded just so they could get on with it.
Vani went on.  “Jay was like totally putting out a sex vibe on Sarah at the cabane, which is like, a total bitch move by the way.  To do it at your cabane?  So like, total expulsion, dude.  It’s a totally expulsion worthy situation.”
            “Why are you taking this so personally?” asked Karl.
            “Because I know you don’t have the capacity for that sort of appropriate emotional reaction,” Vani patted Karl’s shoulder.  “Which is why I’m doing it.  I’m here for you bro, I’m here for you in your time of need, even if you don’t know you need it.”
            “Ok well, thanks I guess,” chuckled Karl.
            Woohoo!  Expulsion!

            “So how come you’re not all happy?”
            Cerise looked up from her script and stared at Karine.  “What do you mean?”
            “Well shouldn’t you be all happy now that you’ve broken up with Tom?”
            Cerise looked around the green room to see if anyone was paying attention, or god forbid, to see if Tom was in the room.  He wasn’t but still, Karine wasn’t exactly the queen of tact, was she?
            “’Cause like, now you’re free to get back with Terry, right?” Karine went on.  “Isn’t that what you want?”
            “I guess,” Cerise shrugged.
            “You guess?  Didn’t you say you were in love with him?”
            Was it Cerise’s imagination or did Karine sound halfway angry?
            Cerise sighed.  “Yeah, I think I am but I mean, how am I really supposed to know?”
            “They say when you’re in love you just know,” offered Karine.
            “Have you ever been in love?”
            Karine shook her head.  “No.”
            “Well I think it’s more complicated than just knowing.  I mean I feel way more for Terry than I’ve ever felt for anyone else and I think about him all the time but sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough.  I mean there’s still other stuff in the way.”
            Karine nodded knowingly.  “You mean like Jay?”

            Shauna pulled her hat off and her hair went all over the place, all staticked up and stuff.  Stan told her she looked like an idiot but she just laughed and asked for some cigarettes.  She’d gone to his dep to replenish her supply and was even prepared to pay for them herself.  She’d stolen the money from his wallet, but he was so bad with money stuff he’d never notice.
            He handed her the cigs and asked what was up with her.
            “What do you mean?”
            “You seem happier lately.”
            “I dunno,” she shrugged, trying not to laugh.
            “Well whatever it is, I’m fucking glad.  You were getting really fucking annoying.”
            Shauna shrugged and went outside, pulling her hat back on.  Rod and Bill were out there smoking and she joined them. 
            “Hey Shaun,” Rod smiled and winked.
            Shauna looked to see if Bill had noticed but he was too stupid to notice anything.  He was just talking about boring MMA stuff.  Rod was talking about it too and it was totally boring so Shauna decided to go home but she pinched his butt as she went and didn’t even care if Bill did notice ‘cause he was just a stupid loser like Stan.  Everyone was a loser except her and Rod.  So fuck ‘em all!

“Jay?  What are you talking about?” asked Cerise, seemingly confused.
            “Oh come on, Cerise,” Karine pressed.  “I know you still have feelings for him.”
            “Well I guess somewhat,” Cerise shrugged.
            Karine restrained herself from shouting triumphantly and tried to look sympathetic and helpful.  “Go on,” she counselled.
            “Well there’s nothing to say.  I mean, I certainly don’t wanna talk about it here.” Cerise’s eyes darted around.
            “Ok, so come over to my place tonight after school.  We’ll have dinner and then we’ll come back here for rehearsal.”
            Cerise looked stunned.  “Um, what?”
            “We need to talk about this, Cerise.”
            “Talk about what?”
            “Just trust me, ok?”
            A few hours later they were stepping off the 211 in front of Karine’s house.  They went inside and Karine heated up a can of soup.  “Ok, so tell me everything about Jay.”
            “There’s nothing to tell,” Cerise insisted.
            “Cerise, come on.  Be real.”
            “Well ok, like yeah I guess I’ve always kind of liked him, god knows why,” she rolled her eyes.
            Karine had to try hard not to agree vehemently.  Instead she nodded knowingly.
            “So I mean I guess there’s always this residual thing with him.  Is that weird?” asked Cerise. “I mean sometimes I think maybe that’s proof that I can’t really be in love with Terry, I mean if I still think about Jay sometimes.  But is there like a rule that you can’t like two people at once?  And I mean it’s not like I’m in love with Jay, it’s just a slight crush and maybe the crush only persists because of the constant rejection.  Like each time I think maybe he’s into me, ‘cause like over the summer, or like at the beginning of school, sometimes he flirts with me, or maybe not, I dunno, I’m such an idiot, I don’t even know what flirting is.  I mean I guess Jay acts like that with the guys too.”
            “What was that about the constant rejection?” asked Karine, trying to keep things on point.  She poured the soup into bowls and tossed a box of crackers onto the table. 
            “Thanks,” said Cerise, taking the spoon Karine offered her.  “So yeah, each time I think Jay might be into me, he just like doesn’t follow through.  But then again, I’m always going back to Terry so it’s not like he’d have a chance to follow through anyway.”
            “It sounds like you want him to follow through.”
            “Which is insane. I mean, how many times do I have to be burnt before I avoid fire, right?  ‘Cause like, that prom shit was pretty humiliating.”
            “What prom shit?”
            Cerise shook her head while her cheeks flushed.  “Nothing.  Nothing.”  She bit into a cracker and dropped a few more into her soup bowl.
            “You wanted to go to grad with him, didn’t you?”  Asked Karine like she didn’t know.
            “I guess.  But he wanted to go with you instead.”
            “I was never even into him!” Karine insisted.  “I mean I just needed a date.  If I’d known you were into him…”
            “But you did know, didn’t you?” Cerise eyed Karine suspiciously, her spoon floating in mid air.
            Ok, this was not going in the right direction.  “I guess I knew you had a crush but I mean you were with Terry, weren’t you?  But I mean maybe we all went with the wrong people.  My night turned to shit too. Everyone’s did.  You should have gone with Jay. I should have gone with, well, I shouldn’t have gone at all I guess.  But my point is that you’ll never know what these feelings are for Jay if you don’t explore them.  ‘Cause maybe you’re right.  Maybe your residual feelings for Jay are what’s getting in the way of you and Terry.  Maybe you need to try Jay out to see if there’s any potential for something real there.”
            “I dunno. I think that ship has sailed.  Jay’s just a kid.  But Terry, I mean I know there’s something real there.  I have to figure out how to patch things up.”  Cerise looked at Karine and sighed.  “I know I can do it if I just suck things up a bit.  Besides, Jay’s with Sarah now so whatever.”
            “And how does that make you feel?” asked Karine, knowing she was being a bitch, but also knowing that this was the right thing to do.
            “I dunno.”
            “Come on Cerise, I saw you today at lunch.  Sarah and Jay were being totally gross.  I know it hurt you.  I mean Sarah’s your friend.  Even though you’ve never dated Jay, you’ve clearly wanted to and Sarah should be sensitive to that.”
            Cerise sighed.  “Yeah I guess it’s a bit painful but I never told Sarah how I felt about Jay so it’s not like she’s done anything wrong.  She can date him if she wants.  And maybe she’ll help him mature a little.  God knows he needs it.”
            Karine gritted her teeth.  She hadn’t thought this would be so difficult.  Cerise wasn’t as easily manipulated as Christina and Steven had always been.  “Cerise, it’s ok to admit you’re upset.  If you feel jealous, you have to own that.”
            Cerise munched on another soup soaked cracker and shook her head.  “I’m not jealous.”
            “Cerise, why aren’t you with Terry right now?”  This was a risky path but desperate times…
            “’Cause of a whole bunch of crap that’s just,” Cerise frowned and avoided eye contact.  “I don’t know.”
            “Maybe because deep down you know you need to give this Jay thing a chance.  Cerise, do you know why he’s going out with Sarah?”
            “’Cause he likes her?”
            “’Cause she asked him!  Cerise, if you had just been aggressive and gone for it, Jay would totally be yours right now.  If you’d just like kissed him or something back in high school you guys would still be a couple today.”
            “I doubt it,” Cerise scoffed.
            “Why are you so insecure?”
            “I’m not.”
            “You totally are, Cerise.”
            “Well, I mean, I dunno.  I’m not pretty like you, like not all sexy and stuff.  Guys like girls like you.”
            Maybe she’d be prettier if she didn’t eat so many crackers.  “So be a girl like me.  Wear a skirt, put on some makeup.  Have some fucking confidence.  You’re not ugly, you’re just scared.”  Now this was seriously viable advice but Cerise was proving to be completely impervious to anything rational. 
            Cerise just shrugged and looked uncomfortable.  She finished the last of her soup and said that they should probably be getting back to school.
            “Just think about what I’ve said, Cerise.  You’re never gonna get over Jay if you don’t try him out.”
            “I’m not sure that makes sense.”
            They went outside and waited for the bus while Karine formulated a new strategy.  “Ok, answer me this:  Why’d you sleep with Tom on your first date but never did it with Terry?”
            Cerise sighed heavily, creating a large cloud of breath that billowed in front of her face.  “It’s not like Terry and I didn’t do stuff.  I went down on him a million times, which is something I never did with Tom.”
            “Really, never?” 
            “I wasn’t into it.”
            “So that just makes it even weirder that you slept with him.”
            “I did it to get it out of the way.  Intercourse is made to be this huge thing, and I was afraid to do it with Terry because it seemed too important and I was intimidated by his experience.  But it turns out it’s like nothing.  It requires less skill than a hand job.  It’s less intimate than kissing.”
            “You only feel that way because you did it with someone insignificant.”
            “Fair enough.  So yeah I fucked up.  I should have done it with Terry.  I should have never broken up with him. Satisfied?”
            “Don’t beat yourself up because of past mistakes.  ‘Cause maybe they’re not mistakes at all.  Maybe they reveal your true feelings.  You know, like subconsciously.”
            “What are you talking about?”
            “I think the reason you never went all the way with Terry is ‘cause you wanted to save that for Jay.  And Tom was like a substitute Jay.  But Tom isn’t Jay.  Only Jay’s Jay and you need to try out Jay before you go back to Terry.”
            Cerise chose not to answer and they rode the bus back to school in silence.  Karine was pretty sure Cerise was giving her suggestion some serious thought.  Or at least she hoped so.

            One awesome thing about having such a smart girlfriend is that she could help Jay study.  ‘Cause even if it was embarrassing to admit, he was having trouble with physics and Sarah had physics down pat.  But it turned out she wasn’t actually that great of a teacher.  She would just sort of repeat what was in the book and then look at him like he was an idiot if he didn’t get it.  Even though Karl was often a dick, he did have a knack for explaining things so Jay’d understand.  He used analogies or just watered things down to their barest essentials.  Jay was loathe to ask him for help, but he might have to for this upcoming exam, ‘cause Sarah’s annoyed glares just weren’t cutting it.
            They sat on the couch in his basement, him trying to get through this particularly onerous chapter and her typing away on her laptop.  She was an insano typist just like Karl.  Her fingers moved at the speed of light and she didn’t even need to look at her hands to do it.  Cerise typed like that too.  Vani too come to think of it.  How come everyone had mad skills except Jay?  What was wrong with him?
            “So like, Jay?” Sarah asked, looking up from her writing.
            “Yeah?”
            “Am I the only one who’s like, bored?”
            “Well I don’t think this stuff is really supposed to be all that exciting,” he shrugged.
            “I’m not talking about our homework.  I mean with us.  Physics isn’t boring.  Do you really think it’s boring?”
            “You’re bored with us?  Already?!”  Jay couldn’t keep the panic out of his voice.  Was she really going to break up with him mere weeks after they’d started dating?  What should he do?  “Should I make more jokes?”
            “I don’t want you to be more funny, Jay.”
            “I’m trying really hard to get this stuff,” he held up his physics textbook.  “It’s just, I dunno, it’s not my thing I guess.  But I’ll try harder.”  Wow, he really sounded pathetic, didn’t he?
            “Jay, you’re missing the point.”
            “Well what is the point?”
            Sarah sighed and squirmed uncomfortably, shutting her laptop and placing it on the coffee table, which was littered with gaming stuff.  “It’s like, you never try to like, you know, like do stuff.”
            “What do you mean?”  Seriously, what the hell was she talking about?
            “Are you even attracted to me?”
            “Yes!”  Holy shit.  How could she even doubt that?  He got a hard-on anytime she touched him.
            “Then how come you never try anything?  Like you never even try to like, kiss me.”
            “I kiss you all the time!”
            “Only ‘cause I kiss you first.  I always have to initiate.  You know sometimes girls like it when guys are aggressive.”
            Really?  “Really?”
            “Yeah.”
            “So I should like, kiss you?”
            “We can do more than just kiss,” she smiled.
            What did that mean?  Did that mean she wanted to like, go all the way?!  Holy shit!
            “Jay?”
            Oh shit.  He’d been staring at her for like, ever, hadn’t he?  “What?”
            “So do you like, wanna do stuff, or not?”
            “Yeah!”
            “Ok well, maybe you should come to my house tomorrow ‘cause like my parents are gonna be out late so yeah.”
            What did this mean?!?!?!?!  Did she wanna go all the way?  Or did she just wanna like make out or whatever?  Jay had no idea.  Jesus Christ, what was he supposed to do?!

            Cerise had a hard time concentrating during rehearsals that night, not that it mattered since the White Queen wasn’t scheduled.  She just had to stand around as a playing card during one of Alice’s scenes with the Queen of Hearts.  Janice was hamming it up pretty good, and while she always rode the line of being over the top she was also pretty legitimately funny.  And Karine was perfect as Alice.  Even with her giant boobs she managed to come across as a lost little girl.
            But Karine wasn’t a little girl.  She was maybe a lot wiser than Cerise had ever given her credit for.  She was the only person who’d ever picked up on Cerise’s crush on Jay and maybe she had a point about him.  Could it be true that Cerise had always subconsciously been saving herself for him?  No, that was crazy.  But it’s not like Cerise was immune to cray-cray behaviour.  Maybe Karine was right.  Maybe she really did need to give Jay a try instead of trying to get Terry back.  Maybe Terry had suffered enough of her insanity and should be free to move on.  Maybe Jay was the one who needed to suffer now.  But being with him would sort of be suffering for her too, wouldn’t it?  He was so clueless about everything.  But maybe he wouldn’t be anymore once Sarah fixed him. Oh god, Sarah.  She was totally Jay’s boyfriend now and that meant Jay was off limits forever more.  But then again, she’d been into Jay way before Sarah so she kind of had dibs.  But Sarah never knew about that so it wasn’t fair to try to enforce those dibs now.  Cerise certainly wasn’t going to try to break them up, that would just be mean, not to mention stupid.  The truth was Jay wasn’t even into her.  He never had been and Cerise really needed to get the hell over it.

            The whole day had been one anxiety ridden mess.  Jay was certain he’d failed that physics exam.  Damn Sarah for putting sex into his head on exam day!  If he failed it was all her fault!  And now he was supposed to put physics out of his head and do stuff with her?  And what stuff exactly would be expected of him?  How come these things weren’t written down somewhere?  There should be a manual or something!  He needed to know what he had to do and when and how. 
            All day he’d dreaded coming up with an excuse to blow off the guys.  But they didn’t even try to come over after school. In fact they’d been cold to him all day.  Well, they were obviously jealous ‘cause he was getting some.  Or would be soon. Right?  Sarah had implied they’d be doing it, right?  Hadn’t she?  He wasn’t even sure anymore.  What had she said exactly?  She’d invited him over after school because her parents would be gone and she wanted him to be aggressive.  Did that mean he had to like, try to like, seduce her or something?  How the hell was he supposed to do that?!  It was too much pressure!  He couldn’t handle it!  He had to calm down; he really needed to get his shit together.
            He waited for her in the library after his last class and thought about googling some sex stuff but didn’t want to use a public computer for that.  And his phone was so old and crappy it took a million years for a page to load.  He’d finally gotten something up when Sarah showed up and he closed the page in a panic even though she never looked at his phone.
            They took the bus to her house and she asked about his physics exam.
            “I think I totally failed,” he admitted.  “’Cause I like, kept thinking about you.”
            “Oh really?” she giggled.
            Interesting.  Him failing was apparently a good thing as long as it was her fault.  Weird.  When they got to her house she offered him a snack and something to drink and he eagerly accepted.  Anything to put off the inevitable.  She seemed annoyed but gave him some carrot sticks and hummus, which weren’t exactly very exciting snacks but he ate them all the same.  It was probably a good idea to build up some energy before doing sex stuff.  Guys were supposed to be all like, virile and athletic and shit, right?  In porn it was always the guy who had to do most of the work, unless the girl was giving a blowjob.  Maybe that’s all that would happen.  Maybe if he just asked for a blowjob she’d do it and that could be the end of it.  That would be awesome!  But she’d want him to reciprocate, wouldn’t she?  Fuck!  This sucked!  Jay had no fucking idea how to give head.  He’d tried to watch it in porn but you could never see anything and it was way boring compared to watching blowjobs.  Oh shit, did that mean he was gay?  Maybe he only liked watching dicks or something.  Maybe that’s why he was so terrified.  Maybe he was so deeply, secretly gay that he didn’t even know it!
            Oh god, they were in her bedroom.  Wow, she had a lot of awards.  He couldn’t seriously be expected to have sex with an overachiever.  She would probably be keeping score and like, constantly telling him what he was doing wrong.  But maybe that was for the best.  How could he learn if no one taught him?
            She closed the door and faced him with a smile.  He smiled back and walked up to her, kissing her.  There, he initiated a kiss.  Now she’d do the rest, right?  Oh god, she was pulling away and… taking off her clothes!  Holy shit!  She was in her bra and panties and getting on the bed, looking at him expectantly.  Fuck she was hot.  He had a huge boner already.
            “Jay?”
            “Yeah?”
            “Are you gonna take off your clothes?”
            “Are you sure your parents aren’t gonna come home?”
            “Jay, do you wanna do this or not?” she asked, annoyed.
            “Yeah!”
            “So fucking take off your clothes then.”
            “Ok!”
            He ripped his shirt off and pulled off his pants, but did so rather quickly and awkwardly and ended up on the floor, tangled in a mess of socks and jeans’ legs.  She laughed and told him he was adorable, which he supposed was a good thing.  Once he was down to just his boxers he climbed onto the bed and hoped she couldn’t smell fear.  She lay down on the bed and propped herself up with her elbows and stared at him.  She obviously wanted him to do something.  But what?!?!?  Was he supposed to kiss her or like try to take off her underwear or what?
            He inched towards her and kissed her belly.  She giggled and looked down at him while he looked up at her.  So far so good, he supposed.  Should he try to take her bra off?  Her panties?  He kissed her skin, going up from her belly to her neck.  They stayed like that for a while, him kissing her neck, her moaning softly.  That meant he was doing a good job, right?
            Suddenly she moved and started taking off her bra.  He watched intently as her breasts were revealed.  Wow, they were tiny.  Her bra must be way stuffed.  Her boobs were small but her nipples were huge.  It’s like her tits were almost entirely nipple.
            “Hello?”
            “What?”
            “You can touch them,” she offered.
            “Ok.”  He touched her and it was pretty cool but somehow not quite as exciting as he’d always imagined.  Boobs were just sacs of fat after all.  And Sarah was pretty crazy skinny so that explained why her boobs were so non-existent, he supposed.  Were Karine’s boobs a lie too?  She had huge tits but maybe that was all bra as well.  Maybe all girls were liars. Probably.  Definitely. 
            “Jay?”
            “Huh?”
            “You ok?”
            “I’m fine!  You’re totally hot.”
            Sarah smiled but also frowned, like she didn’t quite believe him.  “Do you wanna take off my panties?” she asked.
            Oh god, he totally did, but he also totally didn’t.  It was completely humiliating but his fingers trembled as he pulled at the pink lace covering her pussy.  He pulled off the fabric slowly, totally scared of what would be underneath.  What if she had a totally bushy puss?  What if it smelled or something?  Oh, it was shaved, just like in porn.  Cool.  Oh shit, did that mean he was supposed to shave too?  His dick was sitting in a fucking forest down there!  What if she was totally grossed out by it?  Sure enough, she started tugging at his boxers and he could feel the sweat pouring down his face. 
            “Sorry, I’m nervous,” he coughed, wiping a drop that had landed on her thigh.
            “It’s ok, I’m nervous too,” she assured him.
            She flipped him onto his back like she was a judo master, which maybe she was and then yanked off his boxers.  His dick swung out like a flag.  Oh god, what if she thought it was gross and tiny and stupid and small?  She grabbed it and everything in the world was perfect.  She stroked it and it was awesome and before he knew it she was sucking him off.  He tried to hold back but he came in like, two seconds and she swallowed.  Holy shit she actually swallowed!  What a slut!

            It occurred to Shauna that Rod might have another girlfriend because it had been days since he’d come over.  Of course, before they’d started doing stuff he would only come over about once a week but since they’d hooked up he’d come over whenever Stan was at work.  Rod said he’d picked up more shifts at the factory so maybe he was working too but maybe he was losing interest in her.  She had to do something.  Like shave maybe.  Guys liked girls who were hairless, like porn stars. 
She decided to do it and bought shaving cream in a pink can and a bunch of pink razors.  She set herself up in the bathroom, placing everything on the side of the tub.  She’d shaved her legs before but never with much success so she put a lot of concentration towards not cutting them and doing her pits was even harder.  Next came her private parts.  Oh god, this was scary.  She put on a ton of shaving cream and straddled the bath to try to get a good angle but when she started shaving it proved to be even more difficult than she’d anticipated.  It was impossible!  How did other girls do it?  They probably got waxed at like a salon or whatever.  But Shauna would never do that, it was way too embarrassing.  She kept shaving and once cut herself and it killed but she had to keep going.  She couldn’t be just like, half shaved and stuff. 
            When she was done she rinsed off the cream and her pussy looked retarded.  It was only like, half shaved.  She’d missed tons of spots.  Now what?  She didn’t wanna go through that again!  She looked around the room frantically, almost in tears.  Now Rod would never want to fuck her again and even if he did it would hurt ‘cause she didn’t have any cushioning left! 
            Stan’s electric razor!  Why hadn’t she thought of that before?  She dried herself off and stood in the tub, trying to delicately shave the fuzzy patches.  Again, it was much harder than she’d realized.  This was totally retarded!  Fuck being shaven!  This was so not worth it.  She didn’t even like sex!  Even with Rod it totally sucked.  The only fun part was the cheating.  Fuck!  She nicked herself again.  Fuck this shit! Just fuck it!
            She put Stan’s razor back where she got it and look a long bath.  Fuck sex.  Fuck men.  Fuck life.

            “Sorry,” said Jay.
            “You don’t have to apologize,” said Sarah, wiping her mouth and coming towards him.
            Gross! She was trying to kiss him.  He didn’t wanna kiss a girl who’d just swallowed cum, that was totally nasty.  But he kissed her anyway and it was ok. 
            “My turn,” she said, lying down and opening her legs.
            Oh god, oh god, oh god.  Jay wiped his brow and put his head between her thighs.  She totally did smell.  It wasn’t bad really, but it was strong.  He put his nose up to her pussy and flicked out his tongue.  So weird.  He licked her up and down.  White stuff dripped out of her.  Gross.  No, not gross, hot.  He had to remind himself that this was totally hot.  He licked again.  It tasted so, so weird!
            “Jay?”
            “Huh?”  He looked up to find Sarah staring at him as though befuddled.
            “What the fuck are you doing?”
            “What do you mean?” He had to try really hard not to cry.
            “Oh god, don’t cry,” she said, scooting up.  “You’re not ready for this, are you?”
            “I totally am!”
            “You’re totally not,” she said, almost angrily, getting up and throwing on a robe.
            “No, I totally wanna do it!”
            “Do what?”  She looked at him accusingly.
            “Eat your pussy?” he asked hesitantly.
            She sighed heavily.  “You’re totally freaked out.  I mean I knew you were a virgin but most guys like, they’re at least eager.  You look like you don’t even wanna be here.”
            “I do wanna be here! I do!” He totally didn’t.
            “You’re obviously disgusted by me!” she said, her voice choked. 
            “No I’m not!”
            “You didn’t even wanna kiss me after I went down on you!  God, how do you think that makes me feel?”
            “It’s just, this is all new to me.”
            “I shouldn’t have pressured you.  I should have known you weren’t ready.  I mean, they did a whole special about it on MTV, about how guys are nervous too.”
            “No, it’s not that.  It’s just that, I mean, don’t you find it weird that I’m Karl’s friend?”
            “Oh my god!  That’s what you were thinking about?!  Karl?”
            Oh shit, that was clearly the wrong thing to say.  “No!  I was thinking about you!  I wanna do stuff!  You’re so hot and pretty, it’s just like, I guess…”
            “Intimidating?” she suggested.
            “Yeah, exactly,” he nodded.  “I mean I know you’ve done stuff before and I haven’t so I’m scared of screwing up.”
            She softened and sat back down on the bed.  “I haven’t done lots of stuff,” she said.
            Yeah right, she was clearly a total slut.  She’d said most guys were eager, so like obviously Karl wasn’t even the first guy she’d been with.  What a whore.  They were only seventeen, how could she be so experienced already?  She’d probably been sucking dicks since primary school!  There’s no way she could be that good just from one previous boyfriend.  But instead of saying all that, Jay wisely chose to meekly say he hadn’t done anything at all.
            “Do you want to do stuff?”
            “Of course.”  And it was true.  If she would take the lead then he totally wanted to do everything.  As long as they used a condom, ‘cause who knew how many diseases she had.
            They talked a bit more about his fears and he admitted how nervous he was about everything, not just sex but school and life in general.  She was a good listener and made him feel better about everything.  She lay on the bed with her robe open and it wasn’t long before he was hard again.  She told him to lie down and she’d do the work and next thing he knew she was rolling a condom onto his cock.  She straddled him and slid his dick inside her and he closed his eyes.  It was awesome, although maybe not as awesome as the blowjob.  This time he held his load and didn’t come right away.  In fact he held on so long that he kind of missed the boat and started getting soft.  She stopped moving her hips and he opened his eyes.
            “Sorry,” he said.
            She scrunched up her face and he couldn’t tell what she was thinking.  Did she think he was a total loser?  “Well you’re not a virgin anymore,” she said bitterly as she put her clothes back on.
            “Yeah, sorry, I…” he trailed off.
            “Get dressed, my parents will be home soon,” she said, leaving the room and closing the door behind her.
            Well, that totally sucked.  It was true he wasn’t a virgin anymore so that was cool but Sarah was way less nice than he’d initially believed.  That stereotype about the submissive Asian girl was total bullshit.  She was kind of a bitch.  He’d have thought she’d be more sensitive to the situation, it’s not like it was his fault he’d never done stuff before.  Pretty bitchy of her to make him feel like such a loser.  Like he even gave a shit what a slut like her thought.  She was a total fucking whore!  All they’d ever done before was kiss and they’d only been together for two weeks and now they’d done everything else all in one day?  Any normal girl would be happy to have a sensitive guy like him, all wanting to wait and stuff.  It wasn’t his fault he ended up with the one girl who was totally insatiable!  Maybe that’s why she broke up with Karl, ‘cause he couldn’t keep up with her sluttiness!  There’s no way Karl was a sex machine, no way!  Not like she apparently needed. 
            He went downstairs and gathered his things.
            “Do you wanna stay for dinner?” she asked, all smiles and sweetness.
            “No, that’s ok,” he mumbled.
            “You’re just gonna go?” she asked in annoyance.
            “I have to…” he trailed off and ran out of the house.
            He should totally break up with her.  There was no way he could keep going out with such a whore.  Unless she kept sucking his dick, ‘cause that had been seriously awesome. 

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