It was only the second time that Cerise had been inside Karine’s house and she marvelled at how well it was kept together, fully aware that Karine had to take care of it all by herself. She and Tom found a room that was clearly Karine’s bedroom and Cerise steered them away from it, choosing instead a small room which held a sewing machine, an overflowing bookcase, some cardboard boxes and a pale loveseat which had clearly seen better days. It was covered in magazines and some swaths of fabric that looked to be from the ‘70s. Cerise gathered up all the junk and laid it on the floor, then sat down, with Tom following her lead.
They got back to kissing and soon enough, Tom let his hands crawl under her shirt. Cerise tried to focus on what was happening, tried to enjoy it, tried to stay concentrated on the guy, on Tom, yes Tom. He was a nice guy. She should really be paying attention. But it was hard to keep her mind from wandering, from thinking about Terry.
Should she be doing this? Should she stop? Was it betraying Terry even though they were broken up? Was it betraying herself because she wasn’t really super duper into Tom? Well why shouldn’t she be into Tom? He was nice, cute enough, adequately nerdy. She should stop being such a priss. As if anything besides this moment mattered. It felt good so might as well carry on. But what if everyone saw them go upstairs? Karine and Janice and Cassie had certainly seen and while she could probably count on Cassie’s discretion Janice would surely be telling everyone about this even if they hadn’t figured it out for themselves, which they probably had because she and Tom hadn’t exactly been subtle about it. Holy shit, everyone would think they were having sex!
Well so what if they did think it? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Cerise to get a reputation. She didn’t want people to think she was a prude. She really should go ahead and have sex with Tom. No, that was crazy cakes. She couldn’t lose her virginity to Tom. He was nice and all but still. Still what? He wasn’t a great kisser but not bad. He just… he just wasn’t Terry. But not everyone could be Terry. It was probably healthy for Cerise to be with someone else. Someone who wasn’t him. But maybe she was just with Tom because he sort of reminded her of Jay, in the way he was sort of awkward and geeky. Was that weird? No, he was totally different from Jay. And who even cared about Jay anyway? Jay didn’t even like Cerise. Jay was a total ass. Cerise seriously had to get over the whole Jay thing.
Tom’s hands on her skin felt nice so she went ahead and pulled off her shirt. He looked at her appreciatively and then pulled off his own shirt, tossing it to the ground. God, skinny much? And yet somehow flabby too. Gross. Oh god, she shouldn’t be so judgemental. What if he was thinking she was all fat and gross?
Was he trying to take off her bra? He was doing a really pathetic job of it. This was so dumb! Just unclasp it, Tom! He was so incompetent. Terry had never fumbled like this. She considered taking it off herself but maybe that was rude, to like, show frustration in his lack of bra-taking-off abilities. And should she really be taking off more clothes? She was in Karine’s house after all. In a sewing room of all places. Did Karine sew? That’d be weird. Maybe her mom sewed. Not that Karine’s mom was very domestic, from what Terry said. She was a total absentee parent, and didn’t even exist in like, actual reality. Oh just take off the damn bra!
She took it off herself and Tom touched her breasts eagerly, squinting to see them in the dim light. Cerise was glad they’d left the light off. She didn’t want him all looking at her and stuff. Meanwhile he was touching her, but that was somehow different. It’s easier to remember something you see rather than feel. Was he trying to undo her pants? They’d be here all night if she left him to this mad fumbling.
Cerise wasn’t so sure this was a good idea. It wasn’t really appropriate to do stuff like this in someone else’s house. Of course, she’d fooled around with Terry at Sarah’s house. She needed to stop making excuses! Terry was right, she was a total prude. She should just go ahead and do this! Just plunge right in. Go all the way and get it over with.
She unzipped his pants and he stood up, pulling them off so quickly it was as though he was afraid she’d change her mind. This was a legitimate concern on his part, though he probably didn’t even realize how reluctant she was about all this. She forced herself to push away any hesitations and stood up herself, disrobing completely. They stood there in the little sewing room, a faint beam of light trickling in from the small window and breathed heavily as they regarded each other.
Cerise wondered if they should use a condom. She didn’t have one on her. She always knew that Terry would have one if ever it came to that. Besides, she’d gone on the pill so it wasn’t really an issue. But she couldn’t do it with Tom unprotected. What if he had herpes or something? They’d never even discussed their sexual history. She was being totally slutty and irresponsible and just like every other stupid teenager who ended up in situations like this because they couldn’t think ahead.
“Do you have a condom?” she asked, her voice coming out in a hoarse whisper.
“Yes, yeah, yes,” he said, grabbing his pants up off the floor and fishing a condom out of the back pocket.
“You carry one around?” Did that mean he was a total man whore? She’d never even thought about who he might have been with before her.
“It’s kind of in the guy handbook. To be eternally hopeful.”
She chuckled as he desperately tried to open the packet. She was growing impatient and almost snatched it away from him but finally he got it open with his teeth. He very carefully rolled it onto his erection and Cerise scrutinized his penis for the first time. Oh wow, it was much smaller than Terry’s. Much, much smaller. Was Terry unusually large? Was Tom unusually small? Maybe he wasn’t fully erect. Maybe the pressure of the situation was giving him performance anxiety.
As if in answer to her question he stammered in a whisper. “I’ve uh, I’ve never done this before. I mean I’ve done stuff I’ve just uh, yeah I’ve never uh, yeah, I’ve never done this before.” He looked down at his feet, his shoulders hunched. He seemed so ashamed.
“It’s ok, neither have I,” she said soothingly, suddenly much more eager to have sex with him. She quite liked the idea of losing her virginity to a fellow virgin.
“Really? I thought you and…”
“Nope, never,” she said, interrupting before he could say that name.
She sat back down on the little sofa and then lay back on it. If she were to stretch out her legs, the end of the sofa would hit her knees so she bent her legs and he scrunched up in the space provided. She opened her legs and he touched her vulva with his fingers, as though trying to familiarize himself with the landscape. She spread her legs wider, one stretching up over the back of the sofa, the other foot finding the floor.
He positioned himself on top of her and his knee knocked into her thigh. “Sorry,” he breathed.
“It’s ok,” she assured him, taking hold of his hips and guiding him down to her.
He placed his hands on either side of her head and lowered himself on top of her, tugging her hair in the process.
“Ok, just, yeah…” she said as he tried to put himself inside her. It wasn’t happening. His latex swathed penis kept slipping around, never finding the hole. “I think you have to…” She grabbed his penis and tugged gently, positioning it correctly. He pushed and then he was inside her.
Terry sat in the living room watching TV when Evan and Jules came downstairs. Evan asked Jules if she wanted anything to eat but she declined so he went off to the kitchen by himself and Jules joined Terry.
“Hi,” she said, sitting much closer to him than was really cool.
“Hey Jules,” he replied, inching a little ways away from her. “So are you guys like going out now?”
“I dunno,” she shrugged.
“Uh huh. Well, you should be careful, Jules. I mean Evan is not exactly the nicest guy around. He kinda hangs around with lots of girls if you catch my drift.”
“Yeah, I figured.”
He wanted to ask if Evan had returned the favour after she’d gone down on him, because he didn’t want to think that she’d been taken advantage of but it was too weird to bring up. She was just a kid!
“I see you found the cookies I made you,” she smiled, looking at the coffee table which held the empty cookie container.
He figured she’d brought them over but held on to some hope that Cerise had made them. He sighed in disappointment and smiled at Jules, thanking her for the treat.
Evan entered the room with a pogo stick and plopped down on the couch with them. He picked up the remote and scanned through the channels.
“Well I should probably get home,” Julie mused.
Evan kept watching TV and Terry tried to glare at him but he wasn’t paying attention so he offered to give Jules a lift.
“That’d be great!” She hopped up and headed for the door.
So this was sex. Actual, official, heterosexual, penis in vagina sex. She’d expected more. Truth was, she could hardly feel it. She was surprised by how wet she was, considering how she really wasn’t at all turned on. It didn’t feel bad but it didn’t really feel good either. It just was.
She wondered what Tom was thinking about, remembering that in the movies they always made jokes about how guys have to think about baseball so they don’t come too soon. Cerise wished he wouldn’t bother. She was getting bored and a little anxious and just wanted it to be over. But Tom just kept on pumping away, huffing and puffing like it was an intense cardio workout and maybe for him it was. Terry had never seemed winded by any of their carrying on.
Oh god, what if it was her? What if she was the boring one? What if it was her fault this was a completely terrible experience? It’s not like Tom looked to be enjoying himself that much. She should move around, participate more instead of just lying there passively. She should moan or something, thrust her hips maybe? Should she fake an orgasm so he’d just come already and stop? No, faking it was a horrible thing to do. Faking was just a lie. But wasn’t she already lying by doing this? By pretending to like him when she didn’t really? No, she wasn’t lying, she really did like him! Really she did. How could she not? How could she have sex with a guy she didn’t even really like all that much, at least not as more than a friend? She was a terrible person.
Was there maybe something wrong with her physically that she wasn’t more into this? Maybe she had some sort of sensitivity issue. Wasn’t the first time supposed to hurt? Maybe it’s not that Tom had a small penis, maybe she had a massive, cavernous vagina. Maybe he couldn’t even feel anything and that’s why he hadn’t come yet, he was just going through the motions. What if he was faking it?!
But no, there was nothing wrong with her. She’d always felt something when she’d fooled around with Terry. Even just his fingers did more for her than Tom’s stupid dick. Oh god, Terry. How could she be fucking this stupid loser instead of her sweet, perfect boyfriend?
She wanted to cry. She wanted so badly for this to end. She wanted him to get off of her but didn’t know how to say it. Was it mean to push him off before he was finished? Was it ok for it to end before he came? What was taking so long? Boys were supposed to come really quick their first time, weren’t they? Ugh, this was agony!
“Well thanks, Terry,” said Jules, lingering in Terry’s car as they sat outside of Cerise’s house.
“Jules, don’t um, don’t be surprised if Evan doesn’t call or anything. He doesn’t really know how to treat girls.”
“It’s ok Terry. I’m not some naïve little girl. I didn’t even give him my cell number.”
“You have a cell phone?”
“Duh, who doesn’t?”
“Cerise is a loser.”
Terry looked at Jules, about to berate her but she looked so haughty and cute that he burst into laughter and so did she.
“Aw’right well, g’night Jules. And remember, you deserve better than my stupid little brother.”
She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek and then gazed at him dreamily. He’d seen that look before. He smiled tightly and said good night again and finally she got out of the car.
Why couldn’t Cerise like him as much as her little sister did?
Finally, finally, finally Tom whimpered and groaned and sort of collapsed on top of Cerise. She wanted to yell at him to get the hell off of her but instead just sort of nudged him with her hands. He got up, elbowing her ribs as he did so, apologizing instantly, fumbling with the condom so it wouldn’t spill everywhere.
She grabbed her clothes and dressed at the speed of light, looking anywhere but at him.
“Are you ok?” he asked, deeply concerned.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” she mumbled, racing out of the room.
“What did you and Jules do?” Terry asked his brother as soon as he walked in the door.
“What the fuck business is it of yours?” Evan shot back snottily, sprawled out on the couch eating chips, leaving crumbs everywhere. Why was he always so inconsiderate?
“She’s a nice kid, Evan. Don’t fuck with her.”
“Yeah, she’s nice aw’right,” Evan smirked.
“I’m serious,” said Terry, barely containing his anger.
“Why the fuck do you even care? God, get the hell over yourself. Just because you’re not fucking Cerise anymore doesn’t mean I can’t fuck her sister.”
Terry lunched at Evan and grabbed him by the neck, lifting him off the couch slightly. “Do you need me to talk louder, you little shit?”
Evan shot out his fist and Terry dropped him, deflecting the blows. “Fuck, Terry, chill the fuck out!”
“Just don’t mess with her!”
“What’s the big deal? It’s not like I hurt her or anything!”
“You’d better not have!” Terry screamed.
“What the fuck is up with you? Like you haven’t screwed around with a million chicks?”
“You can’t just go around treating girls like shit!”
Evan laughed bitterly. “Are you serious? Like you should talk. You’re the king of fuck ‘em and dump ‘em. I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.”
“You’ll do what I tell you to do!” Terry lunged forward and smacked Evan’s head backwards. He walked away in a huff and heard Evan calling him an asshole as he went. He may have been a fuck ‘em and dump ‘em type of guy at Evan’s age but that wasn’t him anymore, notwithstanding tonight’s evidence to the contrary. If Evan was smart he’d take Terry’s advice and learn from his mistakes.
“Occupied!” yelled Cerise from behind the bathroom door.
“Cerise, it’s Karine. Let me in!”
She opened the door and sheepishly let Karine enter. “What?”
“You and Tom!”
“Oh my god,” Cerise hung her head in shame.
“Oh my god! You just had sex, didn’t you?” Karine laughed.
“How can you tell?” Cerise asked in shock or horror or queasiness or something.
“You reek of it!”
“Are you serious! Oh my god! Everyone knows don’t they? Everyone saw us go upstairs! Everyone will think I’m a big, huge slut!”
“You are a big, huge slut!” Karine giggled, aware that Cerise was clearly traumatized but having too much fun to stop teasing her. Besides, if she acted like it was a big deal then Cerise would just be even more traumatized and she seriously needed to get over herself.
Cerise sat on the edge of the tub and rested her head in her hands. She almost seemed to be on the verge of tears. There was no way Tom could have like, hurt her or anything, was there? No, not Tom. But just in case, Karine softened her voice and assured Cerise that she was just kidding. No one knew anything and even if they did it didn’t matter because people had better things to worry about than Cerise’s sex life. She nodded but her mood didn’t seem to change any. Finally Karine asked her if it had truly been that horrible of an experience.
“Oh god, Karine. It was my first time.”
“I mean, I’ve done other stuff but intercourse is supposed to be like, this big deal, right? And I did it with Tom. I mean of all people! Tom fucking Brown!”
“So? He’s not so bad.”
“Yeah but I mean, I can’t believe it wasn’t with…”
“No, Terry. Jay? Why would it be Jay?” Cerise asked, seemingly perplexed.
“Well you have a thing for him, don’t you? Come on, Cerise. You always have.”
“I guess, but he was never my boyfriend. You’ve had more dates with him than I have.”
Karine wrinkled her nose at that.
“I mean Terry’s the one who… who I should’ve done this with.”
“Then how come you never did?” Karine seriously wanted to know.
“I dunno. I guess I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“I don’t know! That it would mean too much. Because doing anything with Terry meant something but doing everything with Tom meant nothing.”
Karine thought about this for a second. “So, you were afraid of like, committing to Terry?”
“No, I don’t think so. It’s more that Terry was on one level and I was on another and no matter what I did with him I couldn’t get to that level. Because we had different starting points. Does that make sense?”
“So you just didn’t wanna lose your virginity to someone who was basically a man-whore.”
“I guess, I dunno,” Cerise shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. ‘Cause I completely fucked everything up. I just slept with Tom fucking Brown and I’m the biggest slut in the world.”
“Sleeping with one pathetic virgin hardly makes you a slut.”
“Yeah it does. I’m worse than Janice because at least when she sleeps with people it’s for her own pleasure. I just did it, I dunno, to prove a point or something. To like, catch up with the rest of the world. I just did it to get it over with.” Her eyes widened as though she was just coming to this realization now. “I used him, Karine. I totally used Tom. I don’t even like him that much. I mean he’s fine but I like him as a friend and I totally just used him. That’s such a shitty thing to do!”
“Oh please, I doubt he’s all like crying over it. He probably thinks he’s like a major pimp right now.”
“I dunno, it was pretty terrible. If he thinks it was like this awesome thing then I just feel sorry for him.”
“Cerise, he’s a guy. They can’t even tell the difference.”
“Oh come on. It was seriously like the worst thing ever. He must have at least some level of self-awareness about the whole thing.”
“Was it really that bad?” Karine asked, trying to contain her amusement.
“It was boring. There was nothing. Like I barely even felt it and I just wanted it to end, but he just kept going and going and I don’t think he was liking it much either. I mean why else would he take so long, right?”
“You didn’t even feel it?” Karine giggled in spite of herself.
“Oh my god, Karine, he’s like tiny!” Cerise lowered her voice, which was already mostly a whisper. “I mean Terry’s finger is bigger than Tom’s dick!”
Karine cackled with delight.
“God, I’m so mean,” moaned Cerise.
“It’s not mean if it’s true! God, what a loser!”
“He’s not a loser! I mean even if a guy is small, it doesn’t matter... I mean, if he knows what he’s doing... right?”
“Yeah I guess. I mean as long as he has a tongue who cares, right?”
Cerise finally laughed a little. Karine told her to cheer up and come downstairs for a celebratory slut drink. She replied that she’d rather wallow in self-pity but Karine had no intention of letting that happen. Cerise shouldn’t feel bad just because she finally lost it, she should just go with it. She didn’t do anything wrong and she shouldn’t feel like shit. Besides, Karine liked the idea of Cerise with Tom.