When Leanne walked right past
Shauna without stopping or saying hi, Shauna immediately assumed she didn’t
want to be her friend anymore. But then
she reconsidered; maybe Leanne simply hadn’t seen her there standing in the
hall near Leanne’s locker. Hesitantly,
but quickly, so as not to lose her nerve, Shauna called out to her friend, or
ex-friend.
“What?”
Leanne said in annoyance.
Shauna
stopped and shrugged. “Nevermind.”
“What is
it, Shauna?”
“Do you
um…” Shauna looked around. “Wanna go for
a drink after school?”
Leanne
sighed and approached her. “Are you
gay?” she asked.
Shauna
shrugged.
“I can’t
hear you.”
“I don’t
think so. I dunno.” She wouldn’t cry. She simply wouldn’t.
“Oh god,
Shauna. You break my heart, you know
that? Yeah, we can go for a drink.”
Shauna
smiled and bit her lip, not wanting to seem too eager, but wanting Leanne to
know she appreciated her friendship.
Maybe she should be gay just so she could stay friends with Leanne. Wasn’t having a friend and being gay better
than being straight and alone?
“I just
think it shows you still dig Cerise,” said Nick as he sat on the couch browsing
on Terry’s laptop.
Terry sat
on the floor playing Tinker Toys with Britt.
She wasn’t quite old enough for Legos yet but she’d get there. “I never said I didn’t. But she still went out with that
ass-fuck. And I don’t wanna be with
someone who doesn’t wanna be with me.”
“She does
wanna be with you. And maybe you
shouldn’t say ass-fuck in front of your sister,” counselled Nick.
“Please,
I’m sure she’s heard worse on the playground.”
“Ass-fuck,”
said Brittany.
“See?” Terry smiled.
“Anyway, let’s stop trolling Cerise’s Facebook and look up some gay
dude’s Facebook. There has to be someone
at school who’s gay and not a total loser.
Like look at the profiles of people who go to JAC. See if any of them are guys interested in
guys. Or we could even go on Plenty of
Fish or something.”
“I don’t
like Ceweez,” pouted Britt.
“What? Why not?” asked Terry.
“She a
ass-fuck!”
“No she’s
not. I actually might not mind it if she
were. Might be worth getting back
together with her…” Terry smirked.
“You’re
such a loser,” Nick laughed.
“She ahways
wanna pway wif you! And you nevah wanna
pway wif me when she pway wif you!”
Nick
chuckled as Terry explained that the games he played with Cerise were grown-up
games. Britt said she wanted to play
grown-up games too and Terry and Nick exchanged glances.
“She’s
gonna be a handful when she gets older,” Nick said with an amused smirk.
“I know,”
Terry nodded. “Can you imagine her as a
teenager? God, I’m dreading puberty.”
“Imagine
all the guys you’re gonna have to beat up then,” Nick snickered.
“Seriously,”
Terry chuckled. “I get tired just
thinking about it. Although I bet she’ll
do her own beating-up. She’s pretty
tough. Aren’t you? You’re a tough girl, aren’t you?”
“I tuff wike
you!” Britt squealed, baring her teeth and flexing her little baby arms as
she’d seen Terry do.
Both Terry
and Nick were still laughing as Vicky came in.
Britt ran to her and they hugged.
Then Britt ran back to her toys as Vicky took her coat off.
“You’re
home early,” said Terry. “I haven’t even
put Britt to bed yet.”
“I told my
date I was going to the bathroom and then I just left the restaurant.”
“That’s
classic!” laughed Nick. “He must have
been pretty bad if you didn’t even play out the whole date.”
“He was
awful. And way too old for me. I’ll never date anyone more than ten years my
senior again.”
“Seriously,
it’d be like dating a freaking museum,” nodded Terry.
“I can see
the appeal of an older man. They’re
wiser, more experienced. Less immature,”
suggested Nick.
“Not
necessarily,” smirked Vicky.
“Yeah, men
are always immature losers no matter how old they are,” said Terry. “Now an older woman, that might be cool. She could like, teach me stuff, know what I
mean?” He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Yeah, we
know what you mean,” said Nick with an eye-roll.
Vicky
chuckled and picked up Brittany, carrying her to her room for a bedtime
story.
“I don’t
think Terry hates you,” said Karine. “Or
Jay. Though if I were you I’d hate Jay. Fuck, I’m me and I hate Jay.”
Cerise
nodded and sipped on her hot chocolate.
It was Saturday evening and they were hanging out at Karine’s house,
having spent the afternoon with Cassie and Janice and Tom and a few others from
class, trying to figure out how to improve the play. They hadn’t come up with any solutions.
“I mean,
don’t you hate him?” Karine went on.
“I don’t
think so. I dunno,” Cerise
shrugged. “I mean, why should we hate
him? Just ‘cause he didn’t like me the
way I liked him?”
“Liked? Past tense?”
“I don’t
think I still like him. I think I’m just
you know, embarrassed by it all?”
“You sure
you don’t still like him?”
“I dunno,”
said Cerise sincerely. She honestly
didn’t know how she felt about any of it.
“Maybe I just wanted him to like me.”
“Well
whatever, who cares? He’s a loser and
we’re all better off without him.”
“What does
that mean?” asked Cerise in confusion.
“We’re all better off? Does that mean no one’s friends with him
anymore?”
“Well I was
only ever friends with any of the guys because of you.”
“And we’re
only friends because of Terry and yet I’m not friends with Terry anymore.”
“Yeah, good
point,” nodded Karine. “Get out of my
house,” she grinned.
“Shut up,”
said Cerise as she laughed. “But
seriously though, do you think Jay would even want to stay friends with me now
that his nose is broken?”
Karine
giggled. “Come on, it’s funny that he’s
all bested up, isn’t it?”
“No!”
“You don’t
get any kind of perverse pleasure from knowing he got hurt?”
“No,” Cerise
insisted. “It’s just part of why it’s
all so embarrassing. It couldn’t just be
forgotten and like fade away or whatever.
Like the humiliation of our little non-relationship. Terry breaking his nose just makes it into a
huge thing.”
“You’re
such a drama queen,” Karine giggled.
“I’m not
the one being a drama queen! Terry’s the
one who blew it all up!”
“It’s just
so hard!” Vicky exclaimed in between bites of chips and sips of beer. “There are no good men out there! They’re all married or gay.”
“Works out
for you then,” Terry said to Nick, who shrugged.
Vicky went
on. “And the single ones are fat and old
and pathetic and obsessed with Star Wars.
I mean I liked those goddamned movies as much as the next person but
like every single man on the planet has those customized light sabres! You know how much those things cost? Like seven hundred dollars! I know ‘cause they tell me. Like it’s a point of pride. Like a woman is gonna be impressed by
that. And like, what is even the point
of customizing them to the point where they bear no resemblance to what’s in
the movies? I get wanting Darth Maul’s
sabre or whatever, but when it’s like a Darth who never even existed? Like you’re the new Darth? Like can’t there only be one Darth at a
time? Oh my god, I can’t believe I even
know that. I think I’m a bit drunk.”
Terry and
Nick chuckled.
“God, I
hate men. Except you two of course. Terry, I swear to god, you’re the only decent
straight man left in the whole world.”
“Not sure
how many people think I’m decent,” shrugged Terry. “Or a man.”
“You’re
more of a man than your father ever was,” Vicky insisted. “And
if all that moaning I overheard coming from your bedroom all those years was
any indication you’re also a better lover than your father ever was.”
Nick
laughed so hard he spit out his beer like in a TV show or something. He grabbed a nearby Kleenex and wiped his
mouth, still sputtering with laughter.
Terry
chuckled as well. “You could hear?”
“Oh come
on, like you didn’t know? Some of those
girls were very vocal.”
“Sorry, I
mean, if it made you uncomfortable or whatever.”
“Oh please,
I was jealous if anything. All I had was
a fucking vibrator!”
Again Nick
laughed uproariously. “But didn’t you
and Terry’s dad…”
“At first,”
Vicky conceded. “But eventually he got
tired of me. Men are like that. They want variety, quantity over quality. I guess it’s in their genes.”
“Not
Terry,” smirked Nick. “All he ever wants
is Cerise.”
“Probably
because he can’t have her. As soon as
she commits he’ll get bored. Won’t you?”
Terry
shrugged with discomfort.
“Don’t,
Terry, don’t lose interest. She’s such a
nice girl. And she was the loudest
one!” Vicky nudged Nick and they both
burst into laughter.
“What did
you do to that girl?” asked Nick between guffaws.
Terry
shrugged and grinned. “I’d go down on
her a lot.”
“Oh my god,
I wish!” Vicky exclaimed. “Most men hate doing that! They act like it’s a chore! I’ve only ever been with one man who seemed
to enjoy it.”
“Was it
Terry’s dad?” asked Nick with interest.
“Ugh, I
don’t wanna know!” Terry covered his ears.
“No, John
was a very selfish lover.”
“Good,”
said Nick. “I mean not good for you, but
for you, Terry. You’re always worried
about being like him. Obviously you’re
not.”
“I really
don’t wanna compare myself to my dad in that way.”
“Do you
really like it?” asked Nick. “I mean
going down on chicks? Isn’t it like,
nasty?”
“Well isn’t
it nasty to go down on a guy?” asked Terry.
“No, it’s
fun.”
“Well there
you go,” said Terry. “Anything’s fun if
the chick, I mean if your partner’s into it.”
“Yeah,”
Vicky nodded. “That’s true. Well, as long as you’re both into it.”
“Yeah,”
Nick nodded.
Terry
nodded as well and wondered if Cerise had always been into everything they’d done.
“Ok, enough
about me,” said Cerise, digging into the popcorn. “What’s new in your neck of the woods?”
Karine
shrugged and said there was no one on the horizon. She was about to change the subject but then
decided she might as well share. Cerise was the only girl besides Christina who
knew about her situation so if she couldn’t talk to her about it then she’d
have to keep it all inside. “I’ve been
having dreams lately.”
“Ok.”
“Like sex
dreams but not the good kind.”
“Oh, you
mean like…”
“Yeah, with
him in them. And Erica too sometimes.
“God. Are you ok?”
Cerise pushed away the popcorn and sat up straight, turning to face
Karine.
“Yeah, I’m
ok. I just don’t wanna be with guys
right now.”
“Of course
not.”
“It’s just
like, why now? It’s been almost two
years. Why am I dreaming about it now
all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. I
mean, I don’t think you ever really fully get over something like that, do you? I mean, not to be discouraging or
anything. But it’s probably something
that’s gonna be with you forever.”
“Lucky me.”
“Although I
guess there are ways to deal with it.
Have you thought about like, therapy? Or like a support group or
whatever?”
“I guess,”
Karine sighed. “I wonder if Christina’s
ok.”
“You think
she’s still with him?”
“She might
be,” Karine nodded. “And even if she’s
not, I bet she’s fucked up. She always
kind of was.”
“Maybe we
should go see her again.”
“Yeah, but
I think I should go alone this time.”
“Yeah, I
get it,” Cerise nodded. “Maybe you can
help her. And like, maybe helping her can
help you.”
“Yeah,
maybe.”
“Feel
better now that you’re completely smashed?” asked Leanne.
“I’m not
even,” said Shauna, though the spinning in her head might mean Leanne was
right. Leanne might always be
right. She was a righter. Always right.
“You’re a righter,” Shauna said.
“I’m a
writer? What do you mean?”
“You’re
always right.”
Leanne
laughed. “Maybe you should drink some
coffee or something. You can’t go home
this drunk, right?”
“When
you’re right, you’re right!”
“Ok, let’s
take a walk, that’ll do you good too.
We’ll go to Starbucks or something.”
They left
the bar and walked down the street even though it was super cold but Shauna
didn’t even feel the cold and she took off her hat but Leanne told her to put
it back on ‘cause it was freezing so Shauna did and then they went to Starbucks
and got giant coffees and sat in giant chairs and drank the giant coffees and
Shauna usually hated coffee but Leanne must have gotten her one that had tons
of other stuff in it ‘cause it was pretty good.
“So tell me
about Cerise. In more detail.”
“Why?” Shauna sat back in the giant chair. It was pretty comfy. Maybe she should move in here.
“I wanna
know why you like her so much.”
“I don’t
even.” She didn’t even like her that
much. Not that much. Not really.
“Come on,
Shaun. I’m not even trying to lead you
down the rainbow brick road. I just
wanna know what the fascination is.
‘Cause you know what? Honestly, I
just don’t see it.”
“You
don’t?” How could she not? How could anyone not see it?
“She’s so
ordinary.”
“You said
she was cute.” She was totally cute!
“I was just
teasing you. Honestly I think she’s
kinda plain looking. There’s nothing
special about her at all.”
“You’re
wrong!” Shauna insisted. “You’re not a
righter, you’re a wronger!” she giggled.
“She’s the most specialest!”
“Oh
yeah? How so?”
Shauna
sighed and sipped at her giant coffee.
“Well…” she began.
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