Thursday, July 19, 2012

Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act III

            Karine walked on to the BYC lawn looking resplendent.  She had on a dress, kinda like the dresses Sarah and Cassie were wearing except theirs had flowers and shit and Karine’s was just black.  She looked way hot. 
            Vani was with her, which was weird.  He looked short next to everybody but especially next to Karine, who was like supermodel tall.  Jay was glad he was taller.  Karine would never date a guy who was shorter than her. 
            “Hey, where’s Terry?” asked Sarah as she placed a lei around Karine’s neck. 
            “Babysitting his little sister.”
            “Shouldn’t that be his dad’s job?” asked Sarah.
            “I know, right?”
            “Parental unit fail!” hollered Vani, raising his arms in the air.
            “It’s sad that his parents suck,” pouted Cassie. 
            “So this is exciting,” noted Karine, looking around.  “Same decorations as last year I see.”
“Yeah, pretty lame,” giggled Sarah, twirling her plastic ley.
            “Wouldn’t want to break with tradition,” said Karl.
            The club was indeed decorated just as half-assedly as ever.  The deck was flooded with old people being old and the lawn was covered with kids being kids.  The gang had managed to find a picnic table to occupy.  Karl and Jay were working as bus boys but they seemed to find this particular picnic table in constant need of bussing.  Jay was a bit annoyed that Sarah and her boyfriend were allowed to be guests even though they were employees.  Apparently sailing instructors were like on a superior level to bosuns.  But as long as he and Karl occasionally carried a plate to the clubhouse the kitchen staff basically left them alone.
            “Speaking of breaking our brains with eye-searing nastiness, you guys just missed Mr. Boucher doing the limbo,” chuckled Jay.
            “Seriously?  Didn’t he learn his lesson from last year?” asked Karine. 
            “Oh, the lesson was in no way learned,” smiled Jay.  “He bent back way far.”
            “All the way far,” said Willy.  “Like all the way.  There was package viewage.”
            “Gross!” exclaimed Karine.
            “It was significant,” nodded Karl.  “There may have been spillage.”
            “Total spewage!” said Willy, miming a geyser of semen erupting from a phantom phallus.  “He was like pshhhhhhhhh…”
            “Ewww!” shrieked Cassie, covering her eyes.  She was such a delicate flower.
            Furry Jenn on the other hand was whatever the opposite of a delicate flower was ‘cause she bent down in front of Willy’s phantom cocked and pretended to drink from it.  Sarah and Karine’s eyes grew wide and they exchanged a look of pure horror.  They all got quiet except for Willy who was laughing his ass off.  Cassie uncovered her eyes and about passed out when she saw what Furry Jenn was doing.
            It was pretty funny but Jay didn’t want to laugh because Cassie might give him shit.  But he secretly sort of wanted her to watch for pointers because in all honesty she wasn’t really the best at blowjobs. 

            “Oh my god!”  Cerise exclaimed.
            “What?” asked Jeff.
            “I’m not showing you,” said Cerise, hiding her phone from his view.
            “What?” he insisted, jumping off the bed and attacking her.
            “Kids, if I have to tell you to stop fighting one more time, I’m turning this car around!” yelled Bernie.  He said that every day but it was especially funny now since they were actually in a hotel room. 
            Jeff grabbed the phone out of Cerise’s hand and looked at it quizzically.  “I don’t get it.  Is he like, sucking an invisible cock?”
            “Pretty much,” nodded Cerise.  “Except he is a she.”
            “Eww sick, child porn!” Jeff exclaimed, passing the phone to Lloyd.
            “How old is this girl?” Lloyd wondered.
            “She’s fifteen and she’s a spaz,” explained Cerise.  “I think she’ll do anything for attention.”
            “Hmm, sounds like someone I should get to know,” grinned Bernie.
            “You guys are so gross!” Cerise snatched back her phone and texted Sarah her shock at the situation.
“So how come you never do that when I spray my jizz in your face?” asked Jeff with a grin.
            Cerise made a noise of disgust and threw her shoe at Jeff.  He grunted as he got it in the stomach but she’d been aiming for his head.

            “Yeah, real sorry I missed that one,” said Terry as he looked at the pic of Jenn and Willy going at it amidst a sea of children and geriatrics.
            “Missed what?” asked Britt, trying to see his phone.
            Terry quickly changed the picture to one of a puppy that he always kept on standby.
            “You always look at da doggy,” Britt said in disappointment. 
            “Just eww, like seriously, eww.  I don’t understand why we hang out with her,” said Cassie with extreme disgust.
            Karine nodded.  She and the girls had gone to the bathroom together to bitch about Jenn and her total losertude.
            “Well to play devil’s advocate I mean, yeah Jenn is gross,” said Sarah.  “But are the guys any better?  They all do that phantom cock thing all the time and we always laugh.”
            “Seriously, why is that their new thing?” asked Karine.  “Even Terry was doing it today.  With Vani at the bakery.”
            “I think their boss is a bad influence on them,” said Cassie.
            “I think that’s just how guys are at a certain age.  Or maybe all ages, I don’t know,” shrugged Sarah. 
            “Yeah I guess,” nodded Cassie.
            “So if we’re gonna let them get away with it we should also let Jenn get away with it, ‘cause otherwise it’s sexist,” said Sarah.
            “No, actually, ‘cause they do it for different reasons,” explained Karine.  “When the guys do it they’re challenging each other’s homophobia.  They’re testing each other’s limits and trying to be funny.  Whether they succeed is another question but the goal is humour.  When Furry Jenn does it she’s trying to be sexy.  She’s not in on the joke.  She’s the butt of the joke.”
            “Yeah,” Sarah nodded.  “Should we explain that to her?  ‘Cause seriously, I’m starting to feel bad for her.  I mean she’s acting like such a ho!”
            “She is a ho!” insisted Cassie.  “She’s worse than Janice.”
            “That’s the thing, Janice does it with self-awareness,” said Karine.  “I’m not sure to what extent Jenn knows what she’s doing.”
            “She wishes she were a porn star,” grumbled Cassie.
            “Oh come on now,” smiled Karine.  “Even porn stars have a bit of class.”
            They all laughed but then Cassie angrily confessed that she hated Furry Jenn.
            “Whoa!  That almost sounds like jealousy,” snickered Karine.  “You think Jay is into her?”
            “No!” said Cassie, protesting too much.
            Karine just smirked.  In truth she had no idea if Jay was falling for Furry Jenn’s games but Cassie’s freak-out was kind of amusing.
            “Where is Janice anyway?” asked Sarah.  “I thought she was coming tonight.”
            “She’s out bar hopping with Mike.”
            “Yeah, where’s Mike tonight?” asked Cassie.
            “Bar hopping with Janice.  They thought it’d be more fun than old people in Hawaiian shirts.”
            “Well they were clearly wrong,” grinned Sarah.  “I for one am glad I didn’t miss this show.”
            “You’re ok with Mike hanging out with Janice?” asked Cassie.
            “Well I said I’d go with them,” Karine shrugged.  “But I decided this would be more fun.  Who knows, I might still join them later on.”
            “Yeah but, I mean, you trust them not to like…”
            “Hook up?”
            “Yeah,” nodded Cassie.
            Karine thought about it for a moment.  “I don’t think I care.”
            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine in confusion. 
            “So give us the deets on the jiggedy jigg,” said Vani, hindering Jay’s attempt to stack plates into a kitchen bin.  Every time Jay put in a plate Vani would take one out.  Willy tried to play the same trick with Karl but then Karl dumped the remainder of a water glass over Willy’s head and hilarity ensued.
            “The jiggedy jigg on what?”
            “The jigg on the jig!  You claim jiggedyness and yet offer no infographics!”
            “But what’s the jigg?” asked Jay.
            “Since when do I have to translate for you?” asked Vani in irritation. 
            “Fuck, I dunno, since I got used to Cassie speak.”
            “Mmm,” nodded Vani. “High-octave in frequency and frequent in number.  It is exactly this subject of which I speak.  Have you learned intimate knowledge of Cavity’s special cavity, lain with her in the biblical sense, spread your seed upon her garden?!  I demand flowcharts!” 
            Jay sighed.  “Yeah, we’ve jigged.  So what? I should make a tumblr?”
            “At the very least,” nodded Vani.  “Inquiring minds want to know.”

            “You don’t care?” asked Sarah.
            “I dunno.  Let’s say Mike and Janice slept together,” shrugged Karine.  “I mean, shock?  Not really.  Janice has basically stated her intentions of doing just that.  And Mike is a player.  Maybe they’ve already fucked.  Hmm, I should get an STD test.”
            “Gross,” said Cassie.  “How can you not even care?”
            “Well I guess I care but the thing is Janice would tell me if they fucked.  So I’d just dump him.  Maybe I’ll dump him anyway.
            Sarah nodded and rested her hand on Karine’s arm.  “It’s good to know you’re finally learning to commit to a relationship.”
            They all laughed and Karine rolled her eyes.  “Oh haha.  I went out with Steven for almost like four years.  I don’t have commitment issues.  I have boredom issues.”
            “So Mike’s not doing it for you?” asked Cassie with sympathy.
            Karine was annoyed at Cassie’s apparent pity and Sarah’s jibe had kind of hurt.  Maybe she was totally fucked up.  After all, the common denominator in all her crappy relationships was her so if she was unable to find contentment with a guy then she was clearly doing something wrong. 
            Sarah seemed to sense Karine’s self-doubt and suggested she simply had high-standards.
            Karine regarded her friends.  “Well I mean, are you guys saying your relations are like, true love?”

            “So give us the deets!”  Willy echoed Vani’s words.  “I’ll give you the deets on me and Jenn.”
            “Oh my god!” Furry Jenn cackled.
            “No need to give us nightmares,” said Karl, walking off to the kitchen with a bin full of dishes.
            “Actually yeah, I do want deets,” said Vani.
            “She likes it doggy-style, don’t cha baby?” Willy smacked Jenn’s ass as she bent over the picnic table.
            Jay looked around, hoping no old people were watching.  Had Jenn always been this horrifying or was it only since she’d started allegedly sleeping with Willy? Jay followed Karl to the clubhouse with the others in tow.
            “So Jay-bird, give me deets.  Before Cavity comes back!”
            “I dunno Vani, what do you want?  We did stuff.”
            “You’re not bragging,” complained Vani.  “I thought for sure you’d give me reason to hate you by being all pompous and shit.  But Willy has utterly stolen your thunder in that department and I can’t even hate him ‘cause he’s so over the top about it, clearly fibbing in every way possible.
            “I’m not lying!” said Willy.  “I’ll take her right here if you want proof!”
            Furry Jenn giggled but with less certainty than usual.
            “No but seriously, Jay,” said Vani, placing a hand on Jay’s shoulder when he emerged from the kitchen with an empty bin.  “Methinks you are less than enamoured of she who causes tooth decay.”
            “Yeah,” Jay shrugged.  “I mean, you know, appropriate amounts of gratefulness are present on my part.  You know, she’s female and everything.  She lets me put my penis in her vagina.  It’s just, you know…” he trailed off.
            “Yes,” said Vani. “It’s tough out there for a pimp.  That’s why I choose to stay celibate.”
            “Yes, choose.  Indeed,” nodded Karl.
            Jay shrugged and went on.  “I dunno, she’s just very…. Lalalalalala!”  He waved his arms around frantically.
            “One might accuse you of being rather lalalalalala yourself,” said Vani, waving his arms around with equal veracity.
            “Indeed,” nodded Karl.  “I never noticed any particular coo-coo for coco puffs behaviour from her.  I would say you’re the problem in this equation.”
            “I’m not saying she’s crazy,” said Jay.  “Just very high energy.”
            Karl smirked.  “Pot, kettle, I trust you’re aware of each other’s blackness.”
            “Jay’s not even high energy anymore,” said Vani.  “He used to be up for crazy antics but now he’s always moping and complaining about exams or work or whatever.  You’re like the oldest teenager ever.”
            “Maybe Cavity sucks all of Jay’s energy into herself,” suggested Karl.  “She’s a succubus!”
            “Cool!” exclaimed Vani.  “You’re the first one in the group to date a succubus!  I trust you’ll document the experience.  Papa Winchester style.  Like in a tattered leather diary, with pictures and stuff and newspaper articles sticking out.  Oooh, scrapbooking project!”  He cooed while waving jazz hands.
            “But you know what the bigger issue is though really?” asked Karine.
            “What?” asked Sarah and Cassie in unison.
            “He’s no good in bed.”
            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine, nodding. 
            “He’s ok, I mean not terrible.  But every guy I’ve been with since Steven has been a disappointment.”
            “So Steven was really good?” asked Sarah.
            Karine thought about it.  Had Steven been good?  Or was it just that the Asshole had ruined her for sex?  Maybe she’d never be able to have good sex again because she was blocked now, always a little bit afraid.  Then again, way before the Asshole incident she’d slept with some rando in a bar and it hadn’t been anything special.  Maybe Steven really was the best lover she’d ever have, which totally sucked because she wasn’t really that into him.
            “Maybe you should get back together with him,” suggested Sarah.  “I bet he’d still be into you.”
            “But I’m not into him.”
            “Who are you into?” asked Sarah, with perhaps a knowing look. 
            “Chris Hemsworth,” Karine replied with a grin.
            “Oh my god, so much!” exclaimed Cassie.  “I wish Avengers had focused more on Thor.”
            “More specifically shirtless Thor,” giggled Karine.
            “Did he take off his shirt in that Huntsman movie?” asked Sarah.  “I don’t even remember.  Oh, you know what we should do?  We should go see that male stripper movie with Channing Tatum!”
            “I love the Charming Tatertot!” squealed Cassie.

            “Ugh, ugh,” said Willy as he thrust his crotch at Vani.  “Scrapbook this!”
            “Oh shush, I’ve seen enough of your erections for one night.  Go give it to Furry Jenn.  Apparently she likes that sort of thing.”
            Karl put out his hand in protest.  “Please, I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
            “Ugh!” Willy continued to thrust his groin at them.  “Take it, take it!”
            “I shan’t take it!” hollered Vani.
            “You shall!  Take it like Jenn, right up the pussy, dripping wet with pussy juice, getting ready for my throbbing cock!”
            Karl mimed vomiting so convincingly that Jay thought he might actually do it. 
            “Ugh!  Earmuffs!” yelled Vani, covering his ears.
            “Bend over and take it!” Willy pushed Vani over a table and Vani whimpered in protest.
            Karl took up a knife and pointed it at his chest as Willy humped Vani right there in the BYC clubhouse.  Jay couldn’t help but laugh as Vani cried out for help.

            “So what about you guys?” asked Karine.  “How’s Paul in bed?  How’s Jay?  Hey, you’ve both been with Jay!”
            “Paul’s better than Jay,” smiled Sarah, a bit smugly.
            “Well I think Jay’s good,” said Cassie defensively.  “Maybe he got better since you.”
            Sarah arched an eyebrow.
            “Although I guess sometimes it’s awkward,” Cassie admitted.  “Usually we have to do it in his car.”
            “Oh god, I’m so past that shit.”  Karine rolled her eyes.  “I think we all go through that phase where we want to do it in weird places.  Now I’m just like, give me a bed, you know?”
            “Yeah, I wish,” said Cassie.  “But our parents are always home.  So we kind of have no other choice.”
            “Neither of you even own a car,” said Sarah.
            “It’s his mom’s car.  Which is kinda gross when you think about it.
            “Yeah but only when you think about it,” chuckled Karine.
            “But he’s still good,” insisted Cassie.
            “Yeah, he was fine I guess,” said Sarah.  “When I did it with him he was a virgin so he didn’t really know what he was doing.  But he definitely got better over time.”
            “Yeah, he’s gentle but eager, and he does whatever I want.”
            Karine nodded with interest.  Perhaps too much interest.  Was it gross that she was picturing Jason Harris having sex or just gross that she was picturing him having sex with herself?
            “Plus he’s uncircumcised,” shrugged Cassie.  “Which is weird, ‘cause he’s half Jewish but they’re not hardcore about it.  Actually all the guys I’ve been with were uncut, which is weird ‘cause I’m Jewish.  I should try dating a proper Jew to see if it’s different with a cut guy.”
            “It’s no different,” said Sarah with authority
            Now Karine was picturing Jay’s uncircumcised penis.  Would it be too much to ask how big it was?  “Who’s the biggest guy you’ve been with?” she asked indirectly.
            “Paul,” said Sarah decisively.
            “You’re never gonna believe it, but Jonah,” said Cassie.
            “No way!”
            “Does that mean he was unusually large or that Jay has baby dick syndrome?”  Karine couldn’t be subtle anymore.  She had to know.
            “I dunno, what’s the standard?” asked Cassie.
            “Well apparently five and half inches is average but I think that’s way small,” said Karine.
            “Maybe you have a big vagina.”  They all turned to see Furry Jenn standing in the doorway of the washroom.
            “Excuse me?” asked Karine.
            “Well ‘cause like Willy’s dick is only five inches but it’s way big enough for me ‘cause my snatch is tight.”
            “Oh my god!  Willy has a baby dick!” Karine hollered, rushing out of the bathroom and pushing Jenn aside.  She ran into the clubhouse and found Willy humping Vani on a table, who flailed his arms about, trying to get away.
            “What the fuck?!” exclaimed Cassie as she surveyed the scene.  Karl was stabbing himself in the chest with a butter knife but Jay was watching with amusement.
            “Don’t worry Vani, you won’t even feel it!” laughed Karine.  “Jenn just told us that Willy has a baby dick!”  She held up her hand, keeping her thumb and forefinger slightly apart.
            “Baby dick!” Jay hollered, pointing at Willy.
            They all chanted baby dick as Willy shot daggers in Jenn’s direction. 

            Terry was roused from his slumber as his phone beeped next to him.  He read the text and grumbled.  Like he gave a shit that Willy had a baby dick.  Actually, it was pretty funny.  He texted back “lol” and lowered the ringtone on his phone, knowing he didn’t need to set an alarm since Britt would wake him up at the crack of dawn.

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