Cerise wore glasses and had super long
hair when they were in grade 8. Shauna
had shoulder-length hair back then but still dressed the same, in black clothes
and docs. Cerise was wearing a dress
that day. It was English class and
everyone had to pair up for a project.
Shauna had seen Cerise around before and always figured she was popular
because she was pretty and so she was probably also a bitch. But they were both left alone when everyone
else paired themselves up so the teacher told them to work together.
“I’m
Cerise,” she spoke first. “Like cherry
in French.”
“I’m
Shauna.”
“Ok so who
should we write the letter to?”
“What?”
“The assignment? We’re supposed to write a letter. Who do you wanna write it to?”
“I dunno.”
“Ok well,
how ‘bout we write it to the teacher and the letter can be saying how we think
this assignment is stupid.”
“That’s
funny,” said Leanne.
“Yeah, I
thought so too,” nodded Shauna as she sipped her giant coffee. “I told her so. She said I should write while she dictated so
I did but then she looked at what I was writing and then she decided she’d
write. But she wasn’t mean about
it. I’ve always had shitty writing but
she wasn’t mean about it.”
“Did she do
the whole assignment?”
“Yeah,”
nodded Shauna. “It was really
funny. It was saying how the assignment
was dumb, how like we should be learning to write an e-mail, not a letter you
send in the mail ‘cause no one does that anymore. But it was still doing the assignment, all
the points the teacher said to do.”
“Ok, so
then you guys became friends?”
“Yeah, she
didn’t have any friends either. So we did everything together. It was great.
It was like that for two years.
We ate lunch together every day and sometimes we’d hang out after school
too. We even had sleepovers a couple
times.”
“Ok.”
“But then
things got weird. She stopped wanting to
hang out. She’d like, well, she’d never
called me but she stopped being home when I called her and she stopped wanting
to do stuff on the weekend. I thought
she had other friends but she didn’t seem to.
I never saw her with other people.
She just, I dunno, talked less and less and didn’t wanna hang.”
“Why do you
suppose that is?” asked Leanne.
“I dunno,”
Shauna shrugged, feeling way less drunk than before. This coffee was doing the trick but Shauna
wasn’t sure she wanted the trick done.
“Well
something must have brought it on.”
“How the
hell should I know?” Shauna thought back
to that day in gym class. Back in grade
10 when that girl had said it.
“You guys
aren’t allowed to hang out with us.”
Shauna
couldn’t even remember the name of the girl who’d said it, or what she’d looked
like. But she remembered how it had made
her feel. They’d been in gym class,
Cerise and Shauna sitting on a stack of gym mats, waiting for the class to
begin. Some random girl had come up to
them and said it and Shauna immediately felt like shit. They hadn’t even asked to hang out with this
stupid girl but she said it anyway. She
indicated her friends and they all laughed and Cerise looked embarrassed but
neither of them said anything. And then
the girl walked off and Cerise looked at Shauna all angry like.
“You think
she blamed you for you guys getting picked on?”
Shauna
looked up at Leanne, realizing she’d just told that story out loud. She’d never told anyone before. “I dunno.
I guess. I was a loser. I guess I didn’t do much for her rep or
whatever. Everyone hated me. They called me Take a Shower Shauna.”
“Seriously?”
“Better
than Porta-potty chick I guess.”
“That’s so
mean,” said Leanne in disgust.
“Well it was
true I guess. I didn’t like showering
back then. I take baths now all the time,” she clarified quickly. “But back then I didn’t. I had greasy hair I guess. One time a bunch of girls pushed my head in a
toilet and said how it would make me cleaner ‘cause that’s just how dirty I
was.”
“Oh my god,
Shauna, that’s awful.” Leanne leaned
forward in her giant chair and patted Shauna’s hand.
“When
Cerise asked why my hair was wet I told her and she was grossed out.”
“Did people
bully her like that?”
“No. Everyone made fun of her name. Calling her Fruit Salad and everything but
that’s pretty much it. No one ever
dunked her in a toilet. At least not
that I know of.”
“So she
didn’t wanna be around you anymore?”
“We’d still
eat lunch together and stuff. Sometimes
we’d hang out after school but she got kinda quiet. And things got really bad after…”
“After
what?”
“Ok, you’re
gonna be married to Adam Moncton!” giggled Cerise.
“Eww!”
squealed Shauna, falling back on her bed.
It was
grade 10 and they were hanging out after school. Cerise hadn’t come over to Shauna’s house in
about a million years and Shauna kept asking and finally Cerise said yes. They were playing on the computer, a site
where you could put in names of boys you know, and houses and cars and jobs and
then it would mash it all up and tell you your future.
“And you’re
gonna live in a shack behind the school and you’re gonna drive an SUV and
you’re gonna be a milkmaid.”
“A
milkmaid?” Shauna laughed. “I’d never
marry Adam Moncton!”
“I don’t
think he’s so bad,” Cerise shrugged.
“I guess
not.”
“I kinda
like him,” said Cerise.
“Oh
yeah. I guess he’s pretty cute.”
“Really? Ewww!
He’s hideous! And you’re gonna
marry him! Freak!” Cerise laughed and laughed.
Shauna
laughed too and told her to shut up but she kept taunting and saying Shauna
would marry Adam Moncton and finally Shauna pushed her. Cerise pushed back and then Shauna pushed
Cerise down on the bed and got on top of her, pinning down her arms.
“Get off
me!”
“Take it
back!”
“Take what
back?”
“Say I’m
not gonna marry Adamn Moncton!” Shauna leaned down over Cerise.
“You’re
totally gonna marry him!” Cerise laughed.
“Take it
back or else!”
“Or else
what?”
Shauna
leaned down further, until their noses were inches apart.
Cerise looked weirded out. “Ok, I take it back, god, get off me.”
Shauna leaned back but didn’t let
go.
“Fucking get off me!”
She sounded so angry that Shauna
got up. Cerise said she had to go and
she left.
“You wanted to kiss her didn’t
you? When you were on top of her. You were aroused weren’t you?” asked Leanne,
looking at Shauna in that way she had.
Shauna shook her head, trying to
make it not be true. Why did Leanne have
to make her think about this stuff? Now
she just felt like shit. She put down
her coffee and picked up a napkin, wiping her eyes.
“Shauna, it’s ok.”
“No it isn’t. She hated me.
She didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“That doesn’t mean it was wrong
of you to have those feelings.”
“Of course it was wrong! I think she was scared of me. One time in grade 11, we were at a new school
and she’d been ignoring me all year but then I dunno, I guess she felt sorry
for me and I invited her over. I got
drunk I guess. I told her how I was so
happy we were friends again and then I hugged her. She got all freaked out and said she had to
go but I didn’t want her to leave! I
grabbed her. I think I fell or something
and I grabbed her leg and wouldn’t let go. And she was trying to leave but I
kept holding on and she fell down. I got
on top of her and I told her I liked her new haircut. It’s all I could think to say. I touched her hair and she totally freaked.”
“God, can you blame her?” asked
Leanne.
“I was drunk. I’m such a fucking loser.”
“You’re not a loser.”
“I’m a freak.”
“You’re not a freak. You just have to be with someone who returns
your feelings.”
“Like you?”
Leanne froze. “Um, no offence, Shauna, I like you a
lot. But as a friend.”
Shauna couldn’t help but chuckle. “I mean gay like you.”
“Yeah, Shauna. Exactly.
Someone gay.”
“My dad says gay people go to
hell.”
“Do you believe that?”
“Cerise says there is no hell. There is no god.”
“What do you believe?”
“That my dad’s an asshole.”
“Well a lot of people have
fucked-up families,” said Leanne. “It’s
no reason to deny who you are.”
“How can I be sure?”
“Just ask yourself, what did you
feel when you were with Cerise? Like
just hanging out with her?”
“Good. Happy,” Shauna shrugged.
“And when you were on top of
her?”
“Scared,” Shauna sniffled and
wiped her nose with a napkin. “But good.”
“What do you feel when you think
of her now?”
“Nothing.”
“For real, Shauna.”
“Sex,” Shauna
mumble-whispered. Then she started
crying. Full-on, snotty crying. So bad everyone in the Starbucks looked at
her and Leanne came over to her giant chair and put her arms around her. “I’m sick, Leanne!”
“No you’re not!”
“Everyone was right! I did
need to take a shower and I did fall
in a porta-potty and I was a loser
and I am stalking Cerise and I am a psycho! And I am
a lesbian! I’m sick Leanne! I’m sick in the head!”
“It’s not a sickness,
Shauna! You’re just scared and
confused. And you’ve believed everything
everybody has said about you and you’ve believed all the shit your parents have
said about the world but it’s all bullshit, Shauna. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“But it is wrong to stalk Cerise,
right?”
“Yeah, but you never hurt her,
did you?”
Shauna shook her head.
“You were just lonely and
desperate for someone to care. For
someone to acknowledge you and tell you it’s ok. Well Shauna, it is ok. There’s nothing wrong
with who you are.”
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