“Now I think I have a really
good plan for how to get into the base,” explained Vani. “It’s called the Justin Bieber plan.”
Karl prodded
him to go on.
“Yeah, it
involves the most hideous music ever to be created by a twelve-year-old
kid. We say there’s a Justin Bieber
concert and everyone will go to the concert and the masses will be lulled into
brainlessness by his music and that’s when we strike.”
Willy said
that it was the most retarded plan he’d ever heard but Jay didn’t even have the
energy to make fun of Vani. Why did they
keep going through this crap day after day?
Did he even enjoy gaming anymore?
He was certainly getting tired of having the guys hang out in his
basement all the time, always having to be the one to clean up after
everyone. How come they could never hang
out at anyone else’s house? Because
Vani’s mother was against gaming, Willy’s house stank of cigarette smoke and no
one knew if Karl even had a house. Just
like with everything, the burden always fell on Jay.
“I dunno, I
think it could work,” said Lee, startling Jay.
He’d forgotten Lee was even there.
The
doorbell rang and a few seconds later Cavity came down the stairs. By this point Vani was getting pummelled by
both Lee and Willy and it was pretty hilarious but Cavity didn’t even crack a
smile. She was so cool. Vani pleaded for her help but she just put
her hands on her hips and smirked in irritation.
“Listen guys…”
“Cavity,
help me!”
“Don’t call
me Cavity anymore.”
“Name
deleted from the data brain,” said Vani, struggling to extract himself from
under Willy’s giant ass.
“I want you
guys to lay off of Jonah.”
Willy let
Vani up so he could stand and stroke his chin as though considering the rather
unreasonable demand. “I don’t think
that’s gonna work for us.”
“God,
seriously! You guys were hyper mean to
him and that’s like, way not cool.”
Was she
only getting this now? Being assholes
was this entire group’s reason for being.
Ruining lives, preventing guys from being with girls, all they did was
shit all over everything. At least
Cavity had options. Why did she even
care how they treated Jojo? She could
just hang out with her other friends.
Jay had no one else.
“Listen,
sweetheart,” burped Willy. “We hate
Jojo. So no go.”
“Do you
think you’re cool? I know about all the
shit you guys did to him in high school. Do you think that makes you cool, that
you dump all over other people? You guys
are complete losers, why the fuck don’t you get over yourselves?”
“He drives
us to it,” said Willy with reason.
“Oh yeah,
like how?”
“Just in
the way he continually persists in existing.
Like at us.”
“He
flutters, he floats,” Vani elaborated.
“He comes at you with his claw-like hands…”
“Cassie,
you’re absolutely right,” admitted Karl.
“We are asses. But that’s simply
who we are. We can change for no man, or
woman.”
“No matter
how hot she is,” leered Willy.
Cavity
looked grossed out.
“It’s
simply the way of the universe. Jojo
tasks us and we shall have him,” said Vani.
“In the
sense of not having him anywhere near us,” finished Karl.
“Can you at
least try not to be so mean to his face?
I mean if you want to be jerks behind his back I guess you’re not
hurting anyone. But try to be a little
two-faced, ok? You know, like normal
people.”
Karl rolled
his eyes so dramatically they practically popped out of his head and Vani asked
Cassie to do something for them in return.
Willy broke in to demand she break up with Jojo’s sorry ass. Lee was just about to add his two cents when
she cut him off.
“You know
what, Lee? How ‘bout you just shut the
fuck up? Don’t talk about things you
know nothing about!”
She was
loud. Like embarrassingly so. For sure Jay’s entire family had heard. Lee was stunned silent for once in his
life. They all stared at Cavity and she
threw off her coat and suggested they play the game. They kept staring. Was she seriously trying to be friends with
them again, two seconds after yelling her head off? She sat down and asked Karl where her
character was. After a moment he
gathered his wits and told her that they were approaching a Goa’uld base and
that Vani had a plan.
“It’s
called, wait for it… the Justin Bieber plan!”
Cerise came
running across the stage and bumped into Karine.
“I’m very
glad I happened to be in the way,” said Karine.
“Bread and
butter, bread and butter,” muttered Cerise.
“Am I
addressing the White Queen?”
“Well yes,
if you call that a-dressing. It isn’t my
notion of the thing at all.”
“If your
Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I’ll do it as well as I can.”
“They’re
good,” said Tom.
Cassie
agreed. She and Tom were sitting in the
theatre watching as the principle players rehearsed. As much as Cassie sometimes found Karine to
be a bit of a snob, she had to admit she was well cast. She was totally believable as Alice. Cerise was good too but wasn’t quite as into
it as Karine.
“So how you
holding up?” Cassie whispered, as though she didn’t know.
“I hate
everything,” confirmed Tom. He’d been
dressing super goth lately.
“Look at her,” he went on.
“She’s perfect. She’s so pretty
and she’s smart and funny and she likes all the same stuff I do and she didn’t
think my band was the most stupid thing ever.”
“Yeah,”
nodded Cassie. She’d never had the heart
to admit that she didn’t get Tom’s band or their music. As far as she could tell they weren’t any
good at all but Cerise always laughed at their lyrics and insisted it was all
done ironically.
“She thought
it was cool. We were gonna write songs
together. I guess that’ll never happen
now.”
“But Cerise
still wants to be your friend, doesn’t she?
You guys can still write songs together.”
“So I’m
supposed to just hang out with her and pretend she didn’t rip my heart out and
stomp all over it with huge platform heels?”
“Um, Cerise
wears flats.”
Terry stood
up straight, looked Karine right in the eye and didn’t front. He didn’t try any of his standard smouldering
looks or any other bullshit. He didn’t
even seem to care that there were tons of other people around, walking through
the halls, occasionally glancing their way.
He just went for it.
“Ok here’s
the thing. Um, I really like you. You know that. I never wanted to break up. Not that I’m blaming you or anything. In fact, I think you were right about some
things. I wasn’t considering your
feelings about stuff… Um, I’m willing to put aside all our old issues and just
start over. The smoking thing, it’s
finished. I quit. And we can discuss the Andrew thing. I mean maybe if you explain to me why you
don’t like him… and why you’re so insane… ugh!
This sucks!”
Karine giggled
but then apologized and told him to try again.
“I can’t
think of what to say. I don’t know what
the fuck I’m doing.”
“Me
neither,” smirked Karine.
“Why do I
even practice on you? You’re never any
help,” he said bitterly.
“Ok
then.” She flipped her hair and started
to walk away. She was so incredibly
tired of this Cerise crap.
He went
after her but she advised for the millionth time that he wait for Cerise to
make the next move.
“Yeah but…”
“Terry, I
have classes, ok? I can’t listen to you
whine about Cerise all the time.”
Oh shit, he
looked really hurt. She apologized and
he insisted it was ok but then walked away looking dejected, which somehow made
him look even hotter. Damn him!
Evening
rehearsal that night started with the whole troupe but after about half an hour
everyone except the Alices and the Kings and Queens were dismissed. Peter let Karine know he’d be at Cunningham’s
and she kissed him goodbye, knowing full well she probably wouldn’t join him
when she was done.
“So what’s
up with you and Peter?” asked Janice.
“What do
you mean?”
“You’re
obviously not that into him. He says you
guys haven’t fucked in like, weeks.”
“He told
you that?”
“King and Queen of Hearts!”
announced Hugh, saying he’d start with Laura’s cast.
Janice and Karine retreated to
the wings.
“Well?” Janice prompted in a
whisper.
“Yeah, I guess I’m not that into
him,” Karine admitted.
“So break up with him.”
“I guess.”
“You should go to an orgy.”
“What?” asked Karine a little too
loudly, which prompted Hugh to demand silence from the wings.
Janice lowered her voice
further. “You need to try on different
sizes before you know what fits. Sleep
with a lot of people. Guys and girls.”
“Ok, whatever, Janice.”
“Seriously. I can hook you up.”
“Ok, shhhh!”
“Just saying.”
Janice was
a freak but she had a point. Maybe
Karine needed to get back out there and see a variety of people. Being with Peter wasn’t helping her get over
Terry and Terry wasn’t helping her get over anything.
Would Willy
ever bang a chick? He was
seventeen-years-old and still a virgin.
It was pretty embarrassing. Karl
had fucked a chick, Jay had fucked a chick and even Jojo had fucked a
chick. And she was a quality chick
too. There she was sitting at a table
with that goth guy Cerise had dated.
Willy, Karl
and Vani strode up to the table and took seats as Cavity greeted them
warmly. True to her word she hadn’t
brought her stupid little midget boyfriend but this goth dude wasn’t much
better. Even he’d had sex. With Cerise!
How did a loser like that get laid while Willy couldn’t even get a chick
to make out with him? He seriously
needed to ditch his friends and find a new crew. Yeah right.
“Where’s
Jay?” asked Cavity.
“Being a
loser,” replied Willy.
“That guy’s
always depressed lately,” Vani shook his head.
“He said he didn’t wanna come out tonight.”
They all
started debating whether or not Jay was seriously depressed or just a loser and
if it was maybe their fault for breaking him up with Sarah, who could do way
better than Jay anyway. Willy was glad
Jay hadn’t come along tonight. He was
objectively speaking not entirely unattractive, if you were into stupid hair,
and Willy really didn’t need the competition.
He was thinking maybe tonight could be his chance. He’d just have to talk to a chick. And then he could pretend to be interested in
whatever the fuck she was talking about and then he could bang her.
“So who
wants to dance?” asked Cavity as she stood up.
Willy
wanted to say yes. He wanted more than
anything to be able to go on to the dance floor and bust out some sweet moves
but being possessed of a functional brain he knew he couldn’t. Convincing a chick to be into him would only
be sabotaged if she saw him attempting to move in anything resembling a
rhythmic manner. Best just to sit at the
table and drink a beer.
Vani, being
utterly without shame leapt up at the chance and was soon wiggling all over the
place with Cavity laughing her ass off like it was totally hilarious. Was she laughing at him or with him? Willy was never really sure how self-aware
Vani was. Did he actually think he was
cool or did he just not care? He looked
like an idiot but in a funny way and he seemed to get that he was the butt of
the joke, which kind of made him not the butt.
He never seemed to betray any self-consciousness. Was it delusion or confidence? Did it matter? At least he was still a virgin too. As long as Willy fucked a chick before Vani
did then everything would be ok.
Karl
sighed. “Why are we here?”
“Because we
do what hot chicks tell us to do,” explained Willy.
“I tire of
this charade,” Karl sighed, making no moves to leave.
“Hot chicks
suck!” burst out the goth guy, Tom or whatever.
“I suppose
that statement could be construed as accurate,” Karl shrugged.
“Yeah,
right on,” nodded Willy. “Chicks
suck. I need more beer.”
Had Janice
seriously invited Karine to an orgy?
Cerise sat in the wings, watching her classmates on stage, waiting for
her turn and noticing that Karine and Janice never invited her to join in on
their conversations. Although Cerise
supposed that was her own fault. She
wasn’t very proactive in fostering friendships.
If she wanted people to hang out with her she supposed she’d have to
hang out with them. Make the first move
and all that. But shouldn’t it be
easier? Why did Karine have to make it
so hard? Were they friends or not? They hung out all the time but there was
always a weirdness there. Maybe they
just weren’t on the same level. It was
easier for Cerise to hang out with the guys, probably because they were geeky
and Cerise could follow their conversations but Karine always seemed somehow
superior, like she was living a life far beyond Cerise’s scope. And Janice was even worse. Did she actually go to group sex parties? For real?
Was that an actual thing?
The
previous weekend a bunch of them had gotten together and gone to see Project X,
that movie about a party gone wrong.
Cerise had wanted to see the Artist but she’d been overruled. In retrospect she’d wished she’d just gone to
see the Artist alone, ‘cause Project X had been horrible. It was plotless and pointless and mostly
involved a lot of topless girls jumping around.
She felt like a prude but the whole thing had made Cerise really
uncomfortable, which was only accentuated by the fact that everyone else seemed
to think it was hilarious. Everyone in
the movie was doing drugs and having sex like it was no big deal and maybe
that’s exactly what real life was like.
Maybe Cerise was seriously weird because she didn’t do those
things. Janice talked about sex and
drugs all the time. She’d done ecstasy
and even cocaine! And everyone smoked
pot and drank alcohol. Cerise didn’t do
any of that stuff and to top it off she was probably the only virgin left in
the whole school.
She should
probably just get over herself and join the debauchery. Everyone else seemed to be having fun, why
not her? She stood up and meandered over
to where Karine and Janice were sitting.
They weren’t talking anymore, just watching the stage.
“You guys
going to Cunningham’s after this?” Cerise whispered, hoping they couldn’t tell
how nervous she felt; not even knowing why she was so nervous since these were
her friends after all, weren’t they?
“I guess,”
Karine shrugged.
“Everyone’s
there,” Janice nodded. “Even the geeks.”
“You mean
Jay and them?”
“No, Karl
and Willy and Vani. Jay’s depressed
apparently,” said Janice.
How the
hell did she know all that? Cerise’s
confusion must have been apparent on her face because Janice held out her
iphone and explained that Cassie had been texting her all night.
“Oh,
right,” Cerise nodded, remembering once again that she seriously needed to get
a cell phone if she was going to join the real world.
“Why is Jay
depressed?” asked Karine.
“’Cause
Sarah dumped him or whatever,” shrugged Janice.
“I feel so
bad for them,” said Cerise, glad the conversation had shifted to a topic she
was knowledgeable about. “I think they
were really into each other.”
“Whatever,
they weren’t well suited,” said Karine.
“Sarah’s
like totally hot, she could get any guy,” said Janice. “Why would she want to
be with Jay?”
Cerise
asked what was wrong with Jay and perhaps she’d sounded a bit defensive because
Karine gave her a knowing smirk.
“He’s fine
I guess. He could be cute if he got a
haircut but he’s kind of a sad sack and apparently not so great in bed.”
“What? How do you know?”
“Apparently
Janice knows about everyone’s sexual habits.
She regularly takes polls,” said Karine with a roll of her eyes.
“You joke,
but I kind of do,” confirmed Janice. “I
mean I just ask. I asked Sarah how it
was and she admitted it kinda sucked.
But it was his first time, you can’t expect much. He’ll probably get better over time. I mean if any other girl ever takes pity on
him.”
Karine and
Janice giggled and covered their faces with their sweaters to muffle their
voices.
“What do
you think, Cerise? Will any other girl
ever take pity on Jay?” Karine asked sweetly.
Cerise
rolled her eyes and remained quiet. She
really did feel bad for Jay and Sarah.
Maybe they were well matched and maybe they weren’t but it was their
business to find out, not anyone else’s.
Jay exhaled
and flopped down next to Sarah, wiping his brow. Who knew sex was so exhausting? Or at least it was for him. Sarah seemed fine. She lay there like a freshly picked flower
while he was basically drenched in sweat.
But that’s ‘cause he’d done all the work! Now that he and Sarah were secretly dating
they’d been fooling around a lot. It’s
like the clandestine nature of their relationship made them extra horny and
Sarah made it pretty clear that he’d need to learn some techniques. He was getting pretty good at the thrusting
action if he did say so himself.
If only he
could brag about this to Willy and Vani.
They’d be so jealous!
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