Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act III

            Karine walked on to the BYC lawn looking resplendent.  She had on a dress, kinda like the dresses Sarah and Cassie were wearing except theirs had flowers and shit and Karine’s was just black.  She looked way hot. 

            Vani was with her, which was weird.  He looked short next to everybody but especially next to Karine, who was like supermodel tall.  Jay was glad he was taller.  Karine would never date a guy who was shorter than her. 

            “Hey, where’s Terry?” asked Sarah as she placed a lei around Karine’s neck. 

            “Babysitting his little sister.”

            “Shouldn’t that be his dad’s job?” asked Sarah.

            “I know, right?”

            “Parental unit fail!” hollered Vani, raising his arms in the air.

            “It’s sad that his parents suck,” pouted Cassie. 

            “So this is exciting,” noted Karine, looking around.  “Same decorations as last year I see.”

“Yeah, pretty lame,” giggled Sarah, twirling her plastic ley.

            “Wouldn’t want to break with tradition,” said Karl.

            The club was indeed decorated just as half-assedly as ever.  The deck was flooded with old people being old and the lawn was covered with kids being kids.  The gang had managed to find a picnic table to occupy.  Karl and Jay were working as bus boys but they seemed to find this particular picnic table in constant need of bussing.  Jay was a bit annoyed that Sarah and her boyfriend were allowed to be guests even though they were employees.  Apparently sailing instructors were like on a superior level to bosuns.  But as long as he and Karl occasionally carried a plate to the clubhouse the kitchen staff basically left them alone.

            “Speaking of breaking our brains with eye-searing nastiness, you guys just missed Mr. Boucher doing the limbo,” chuckled Jay.

            “Seriously?  Didn’t he learn his lesson from last year?” asked Karine. 

            “Oh, the lesson was in no way learned,” smiled Jay.  “He bent back way far.”

            “All the way far,” said Willy.  “Like all the way.  There was package viewage.”

            “Gross!” exclaimed Karine.

            “It was significant,” nodded Karl.  “There may have been spillage.”

            “Total spewage!” said Willy, miming a geyser of semen erupting from a phantom phallus.  “He was like pshhhhhhhhh…”

            “Ewww!” shrieked Cassie, covering her eyes.  She was such a delicate flower.

            Furry Jenn on the other hand was whatever the opposite of a delicate flower was ‘cause she bent down in front of Willy’s phantom cocked and pretended to drink from it.  Sarah and Karine’s eyes grew wide and they exchanged a look of pure horror.  They all got quiet except for Willy who was laughing his ass off.  Cassie uncovered her eyes and about passed out when she saw what Furry Jenn was doing.

            It was pretty funny but Jay didn’t want to laugh because Cassie might give him shit.  But he secretly sort of wanted her to watch for pointers because in all honesty she wasn’t really the best at blowjobs. 

            “Oh my god!”  Cerise exclaimed.

            “What?” asked Jeff.

            “I’m not showing you,” said Cerise, hiding her phone from his view.

            “What?” he insisted, jumping off the bed and attacking her.

            “Kids, if I have to tell you to stop fighting one more time, I’m turning this car around!” yelled Bernie.  He said that every day but it was especially funny now since they were actually in a hotel room. 

            Jeff grabbed the phone out of Cerise’s hand and looked at it quizzically.  “I don’t get it.  Is he like, sucking an invisible cock?”

            “Pretty much,” nodded Cerise.  “Except he is a she.”

            “Eww sick, child porn!” Jeff exclaimed, passing the phone to Lloyd.

            “How old is this girl?” Lloyd wondered.

            “She’s fifteen and she’s a spaz,” explained Cerise.  “I think she’ll do anything for attention.”

            “Hmm, sounds like someone I should get to know,” grinned Bernie.

            “You guys are so gross!” Cerise snatched back her phone and texted Sarah her shock at the situation.

“So how come you never do that when I spray my jizz in your face?” asked Jeff with a grin.

            Cerise made a noise of disgust and threw her shoe at Jeff.  He grunted as he got it in the stomach but she’d been aiming for his head.

            “Yeah, real sorry I missed that one,” said Terry as he looked at the pic of Jenn and Willy going at it amidst a sea of children and geriatrics.

            “Missed what?” asked Britt, trying to see his phone.

            Terry quickly changed the picture to one of a puppy that he always kept on standby.

            “You always look at da doggy,” Britt said in disappointment. 

           

            “Just eww, like seriously, eww.  I don’t understand why we hang out with her,” said Cassie with extreme disgust.

            Karine nodded.  She and the girls had gone to the bathroom together to bitch about Jenn and her total losertude.

            “Well to play devil’s advocate I mean, yeah Jenn is gross,” said Sarah.  “But are the guys any better?  They all do that phantom cock thing all the time and we always laugh.”

            “Seriously, why is that their new thing?” asked Karine.  “Even Terry was doing it today.  With Vani at the bakery.”

            “I think their boss is a bad influence on them,” said Cassie.

            “I think that’s just how guys are at a certain age.  Or maybe all ages, I don’t know,” shrugged Sarah. 

            “Yeah I guess,” nodded Cassie.

            “So if we’re gonna let them get away with it we should also let Jenn get away with it, ‘cause otherwise it’s sexist,” said Sarah.

            “No, actually, ‘cause they do it for different reasons,” explained Karine.  “When the guys do it they’re challenging each other’s homophobia.  They’re testing each other’s limits and trying to be funny.  Whether they succeed is another question but the goal is humour.  When Furry Jenn does it she’s trying to be sexy.  She’s not in on the joke.  She’s the butt of the joke.”

            “Yeah,” Sarah nodded.  “Should we explain that to her?  ‘Cause seriously, I’m starting to feel bad for her.  I mean she’s acting like such a ho!”

            “She is a ho!” insisted Cassie.  “She’s worse than Janice.”

            “That’s the thing, Janice does it with self-awareness,” said Karine.  “I’m not sure to what extent Jenn knows what she’s doing.”

            “She wishes she were a porn star,” grumbled Cassie.

            “Oh come on now,” smiled Karine.  “Even porn stars have a bit of class.”

            They all laughed but then Cassie angrily confessed that she hated Furry Jenn.

            “Whoa!  That almost sounds like jealousy,” snickered Karine.  “You think Jay is into her?”

            “No!” said Cassie, protesting too much.

            Karine just smirked.  In truth she had no idea if Jay was falling for Furry Jenn’s games but Cassie’s freak-out was kind of amusing.

            “Where is Janice anyway?” asked Sarah.  “I thought she was coming tonight.”

            “She’s out bar hopping with Mike.”

            “Yeah, where’s Mike tonight?” asked Cassie.

            “Bar hopping with Janice.  They thought it’d be more fun than old people in Hawaiian shirts.”

            “Well they were clearly wrong,” grinned Sarah.  “I for one am glad I didn’t miss this show.”

            “You’re ok with Mike hanging out with Janice?” asked Cassie.

            “Well I said I’d go with them,” Karine shrugged.  “But I decided this would be more fun.  Who knows, I might still join them later on.”

            “Yeah but, I mean, you trust them not to like…”

            “Hook up?”

            “Yeah,” nodded Cassie.

            Karine thought about it for a moment.  “I don’t think I care.”

            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine in confusion. 

           

            “So give us the deets on the jiggedy jigg,” said Vani, hindering Jay’s attempt to stack plates into a kitchen bin.  Every time Jay put in a plate Vani would take one out.  Willy tried to play the same trick with Karl but then Karl dumped the remainder of a water glass over Willy’s head and hilarity ensued.

            “The jiggedy jigg on what?”

            “The jigg on the jig!  You claim jiggedyness and yet offer no infographics!”

            “But what’s the jigg?” asked Jay.

            “Since when do I have to translate for you?” asked Vani in irritation. 

            “Fuck, I dunno, since I got used to Cassie speak.”

            “Mmm,” nodded Vani. “High-octave in frequency and frequent in number.  It is exactly this subject of which I speak.  Have you learned intimate knowledge of Cavity’s special cavity, lain with her in the biblical sense, spread your seed upon her garden?!  I demand flowcharts!” 

            Jay sighed.  “Yeah, we’ve jigged.  So what? I should make a tumblr?”

            “At the very least,” nodded Vani.  “Inquiring minds want to know.”

            “You don’t care?” asked Sarah.

            “I dunno.  Let’s say Mike and Janice slept together,” shrugged Karine.  “I mean, shock?  Not really.  Janice has basically stated her intentions of doing just that.  And Mike is a player.  Maybe they’ve already fucked.  Hmm, I should get an STD test.”

            “Gross,” said Cassie.  “How can you not even care?”

            “Well I guess I care but the thing is Janice would tell me if they fucked.  So I’d just dump him.  Maybe I’ll dump him anyway.

            Sarah nodded and rested her hand on Karine’s arm.  “It’s good to know you’re finally learning to commit to a relationship.”

            They all laughed and Karine rolled her eyes.  “Oh haha.  I went out with Steven for almost like four years.  I don’t have commitment issues.  I have boredom issues.”

            “So Mike’s not doing it for you?” asked Cassie with sympathy.

            Karine was annoyed at Cassie’s apparent pity and Sarah’s jibe had kind of hurt.  Maybe she was totally fucked up.  After all, the common denominator in all her crappy relationships was her so if she was unable to find contentment with a guy then she was clearly doing something wrong. 

            Sarah seemed to sense Karine’s self-doubt and suggested she simply had high-standards.

            Karine regarded her friends.  “Well I mean, are you guys saying your relations are like, true love?”

            “So give us the deets!”  Willy echoed Vani’s words.  “I’ll give you the deets on me and Jenn.”

            “Oh my god!” Furry Jenn cackled.

            “No need to give us nightmares,” said Karl, walking off to the kitchen with a bin full of dishes.

            “Actually yeah, I do want deets,” said Vani.

            “She likes it doggy-style, don’t cha baby?” Willy smacked Jenn’s ass as she bent over the picnic table.

            Jay looked around, hoping no old people were watching.  Had Jenn always been this horrifying or was it only since she’d started allegedly sleeping with Willy? Jay followed Karl to the clubhouse with the others in tow.

            “So Jay-bird, give me deets.  Before Cavity comes back!”

            “I dunno Vani, what do you want?  We did stuff.”

            “You’re not bragging,” complained Vani.  “I thought for sure you’d give me reason to hate you by being all pompous and shit.  But Willy has utterly stolen your thunder in that department and I can’t even hate him ‘cause he’s so over the top about it, clearly fibbing in every way possible.

            “I’m not lying!” said Willy.  “I’ll take her right here if you want proof!”

            Furry Jenn giggled but with less certainty than usual.

            “No but seriously, Jay,” said Vani, placing a hand on Jay’s shoulder when he emerged from the kitchen with an empty bin.  “Methinks you are less than enamoured of she who causes tooth decay.”

            “Yeah,” Jay shrugged.  “I mean, you know, appropriate amounts of gratefulness are present on my part.  You know, she’s female and everything.  She lets me put my penis in her vagina.  It’s just, you know…” he trailed off.

            “Yes,” said Vani. “It’s tough out there for a pimp.  That’s why I choose to stay celibate.”

            “Yes, choose.  Indeed,” nodded Karl.

            Jay shrugged and went on.  “I dunno, she’s just very…. Lalalalalala!”  He waved his arms around frantically.

            “One might accuse you of being rather lalalalalala yourself,” said Vani, waving his arms around with equal veracity.

            “Indeed,” nodded Karl.  “I never noticed any particular coo-coo for coco puffs behaviour from her.  I would say you’re the problem in this equation.”

            “I’m not saying she’s crazy,” said Jay.  “Just very high energy.”

            Karl smirked.  “Pot, kettle, I trust you’re aware of each other’s blackness.”

            “Jay’s not even high energy anymore,” said Vani.  “He used to be up for crazy antics but now he’s always moping and complaining about exams or work or whatever.  You’re like the oldest teenager ever.”

            “Maybe Cavity sucks all of Jay’s energy into herself,” suggested Karl.  “She’s a succubus!”

            “Cool!” exclaimed Vani.  “You’re the first one in the group to date a succubus!  I trust you’ll document the experience.  Papa Winchester style.  Like in a tattered leather diary, with pictures and stuff and newspaper articles sticking out.  Oooh, scrapbooking project!”  He cooed while waving jazz hands.

           

            “But you know what the bigger issue is though really?” asked Karine.

            “What?” asked Sarah and Cassie in unison.

            “He’s no good in bed.”

            Sarah and Cassie stared at Karine, nodding. 

            “He’s ok, I mean not terrible.  But every guy I’ve been with since Steven has been a disappointment.”

            “So Steven was really good?” asked Sarah.

            Karine thought about it.  Had Steven been good?  Or was it just that the Asshole had ruined her for sex?  Maybe she’d never be able to have good sex again because she was blocked now, always a little bit afraid.  Then again, way before the Asshole incident she’d slept with some rando in a bar and it hadn’t been anything special.  Maybe Steven really was the best lover she’d ever have, which totally sucked because she wasn’t really that into him.

            “Maybe you should get back together with him,” suggested Sarah.  “I bet he’d still be into you.”

            “But I’m not into him.”

            “Who are you into?” asked Sarah, with perhaps a knowing look. 

            “Chris Hemsworth,” Karine replied with a grin.

            “Oh my god, so much!” exclaimed Cassie.  “I wish Avengers had focused more on Thor.”

            “More specifically shirtless Thor,” giggled Karine.

            “Did he take off his shirt in that Huntsman movie?” asked Sarah.  “I don’t even remember.  Oh, you know what we should do?  We should go see that male stripper movie with Channing Tatum!”

            “I love the Charming Tatertot!” squealed Cassie.

            “Ugh, ugh,” said Willy as he thrust his crotch at Vani.  “Scrapbook this!”

            “Oh shush, I’ve seen enough of your erections for one night.  Go give it to Furry Jenn.  Apparently she likes that sort of thing.”

            Karl put out his hand in protest.  “Please, I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

            “Ugh!” Willy continued to thrust his groin at them.  “Take it, take it!”

            “I shan’t take it!” hollered Vani.

            “You shall!  Take it like Jenn, right up the pussy, dripping wet with pussy juice, getting ready for my throbbing cock!”

            Karl mimed vomiting so convincingly that Jay thought he might actually do it. 

            “Ugh!  Earmuffs!” yelled Vani, covering his ears.

            “Bend over and take it!” Willy pushed Vani over a table and Vani whimpered in protest.

            Karl took up a knife and pointed it at his chest as Willy humped Vani right there in the BYC clubhouse.  Jay couldn’t help but laugh as Vani cried out for help.

            “So what about you guys?” asked Karine.  “How’s Paul in bed?  How’s Jay?  Hey, you’ve both been with Jay!”

            “Paul’s better than Jay,” smiled Sarah, a bit smugly.

            “Well I think Jay’s good,” said Cassie defensively.  “Maybe he got better since you.”

            Sarah arched an eyebrow.

            “Although I guess sometimes it’s awkward,” Cassie admitted.  “Usually we have to do it in his car.”

            “Oh god, I’m so past that shit.”  Karine rolled her eyes.  “I think we all go through that phase where we want to do it in weird places.  Now I’m just like, give me a bed, you know?”

            “Yeah, I wish,” said Cassie.  “But our parents are always home.  So we kind of have no other choice.”

            “Neither of you even own a car,” said Sarah.

            “It’s his mom’s car.  Which is kinda gross when you think about it.

            “Yeah but only when you think about it,” chuckled Karine.

            “But he’s still good,” insisted Cassie.

            “Yeah, he was fine I guess,” said Sarah.  “When I did it with him he was a virgin so he didn’t really know what he was doing.  But he definitely got better over time.”

            “Yeah, he’s gentle but eager, and he does whatever I want.”

            Karine nodded with interest.  Perhaps too much interest.  Was it gross that she was picturing Jason Harris having sex or just gross that she was picturing him having sex with herself?

            “Plus he’s uncircumcised,” shrugged Cassie.  “Which is weird, ‘cause he’s half Jewish but they’re not hardcore about it.  Actually all the guys I’ve been with were uncut, which is weird ‘cause I’m Jewish.  I should try dating a proper Jew to see if it’s different with a cut guy.”

            “It’s no different,” said Sarah with authority

            Now Karine was picturing Jay’s uncircumcised penis.  Would it be too much to ask how big it was?  “Who’s the biggest guy you’ve been with?” she asked indirectly.

            “Paul,” said Sarah decisively.

            “You’re never gonna believe it, but Jonah,” said Cassie.

            “No way!”

            “Way.”

            “Does that mean he was unusually large or that Jay has baby dick syndrome?”  Karine couldn’t be subtle anymore.  She had to know.

            “I dunno, what’s the standard?” asked Cassie.

            “Well apparently five and half inches is average but I think that’s way small,” said Karine.

            “Maybe you have a big vagina.”  They all turned to see Furry Jenn standing in the doorway of the washroom.

            “Excuse me?” asked Karine.

            “Well ‘cause like Willy’s dick is only five inches but it’s way big enough for me ‘cause my snatch is tight.”

            “Oh my god!  Willy has a baby dick!” Karine hollered, rushing out of the bathroom and pushing Jenn aside.  She ran into the clubhouse and found Willy humping Vani on a table, who flailed his arms about, trying to get away.

            “What the fuck?!” exclaimed Cassie as she surveyed the scene.  Karl was stabbing himself in the chest with a butter knife but Jay was watching with amusement.

            “Don’t worry Vani, you won’t even feel it!” laughed Karine.  “Jenn just told us that Willy has a baby dick!”  She held up her hand, keeping her thumb and forefinger slightly apart.

            “Baby dick!” Jay hollered, pointing at Willy.

            They all chanted baby dick as Willy shot daggers in Jenn’s direction. 

            Terry was roused from his slumber as his phone beeped next to him.  He read the text and grumbled.  Like he gave a shit that Willy had a baby dick.  Actually, it was pretty funny.  He texted back “lol” and lowered the ringtone on his phone, knowing he didn’t need to set an alarm since Britt would wake him up at the crack of dawn.

Season 3 – Episode 1 - Act II

            Cerise closed her laptop, or rather Terry’s laptop and stood up. 

“Everything ok at home?”

            She jumped, not realizing anyone was in the hotel room with her.  Jeff was lounging on one of the beds.  Hadn’t he gone out to eat with the rest of the guys? 

            “Everything’s fine,” she replied, sitting on the other bed.

            “Sounded like some serious shit going down.  Wanna talk about it?” he offered. 

            “No, it’s nothing.  My mom’s gonna hire my stalker at her bookstore.”

            “Sounds reasonable,” he nodded. 

            “It’s a long story,” she shrugged.  “Just a girl I used to know.”

            “A female stalker, kinky.”

            “She’s not really a stalker.  Just Terry thinks so.  Anyway, my mom’s gonna help her out.”

            “Why does boyfriend think she’s a stalker?”

            “’Cause she hangs out uninvited, like some other people I know,” she glared at Jeff mockingly.

            He raised his hands defensively.  “Oh hey, sorry, I didn’t realize you were having your super secret spy talk.  Next time I’ll wait in the hall like I didn’t pay for my share of the room.”

            “But why’d you stay?  Aren’t you hungry?”

            “Ok, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve got a secret stash…” he reached into his duffel bag and pulled out a bag of chips. 

“Chips!” Cerise cheered.

“I’m just sick of pizza,” said Jeff as he opened the bag and took a handful.

            He passed the bag to Cerise and she ate greedily.

           

            “Where’s Cassie?” asked Karine, joining Jay as he sipped a beer and munched on M&Ms.  A weird combination that somehow worked.

            It was totally dead in the bakery tonight.  Sarah was out with Paul, Janice was out with whoever and Mike still hadn’t arrived.  Karine was getting pretty bored of watching the guys and Furry Jenn play that dice game of theirs.

            “She has some family thing,” explained Jay.

            “And you weren’t invited?”

            “Well I was, but I decided not to go,” he replied sheepishly.

            “Ooh, bad boyfriend,” snickered Karine.

            “Yeah, I think she’s pissed,” nodded Jay.

            “Funny,” said Vani.  “I would have thought you’d be totally pussy-whipped but it seems the Cavity has no powers over you.  I tip my hat to you, good sir,” he said, bowing his head.

            “Pshh,” Willy blew spittle all over the place.

            “Ugh, why do I keep interacting with you without the aid of a hazmat suit?” snarled Karl.

            “Obviously Cavity’s pussy’s no good or you’d be totally pussy-whipped,” Willy went on.  “You prob’ly haven’t even gotten any,” he laughed.

            Furry Jenn laughed too and winked at Willy.  Oh gross, had those two hooked up?  So nasty.

            “We’re totally doing it,” said Jay defensively.  “I just don’t see the need to make her my whole life.”

            “’Tis a wise choise,” nodded Vani. 

            “I dunno,” said Karine.  “I think Willy’s on to something, much as I shudder to utter those words.”

            “My condolences,” nodded Karl with genuine sympathy.

            Karine went on.  “I think if you were truly into Cassie you’d want to be there for her during whatever the fuck she’s doing tonight.”

            “It’s her grandmother’s birthday party!  Hello boredom!” protested Jay.

            “But if you were seriously into her you’d endure that shit because you’d want to be with her no matter what!”

            Jay furrowed his brow and turned to Karl.  “Did you go to all of Sarah’s family shit?”

            “I did,” he admitted.  “And it was torture.  If Cavity is willing to tolerate your lack of family involvement then ride that train as long as you can.  Eventually she’ll dump you anyway.”

            “That’s probably true,” giggled Karine.

            “Yeah prob’ly,” shrugged Jay.  “But whatever.”

            “You’re so obviously not into her,” Karine snickered.

            “Whatever, so it’s not true love, who cares?  She’s fun for now.”

            “Again, I tip my hat,” said Vani with a flourish of his hands.

            “Hey yeah, I’m not one to judge,” admitted Karine.  “I never went in for all that family shit either.  The whole fucking four years I was with Steve, I went to his house like maybe five times. 

            “Respect,” said Vani with a comically raised eyebrow.

            “You ever been to Boom-boom’s house?” asked Jay.

            Karine laughed.  “Mike?  Nah.  Fuck, if he wants to hang with me he can do it on my turf.”

            “Respect,” Vani repeated.

            “I wouldn’t mind going to your house,” Jenn said to Willy.

            The rest of the table made gagging sounds and mimed puking all over the table.

            It was pretty awesome to see Karine laugh like this.  She was so much fun lately.  Who would have thought back in the day that Karine Cavalière would totally be friends with Jay?  It was beyond his wildest dreams.  He supposed he owed it to Cerise and her retarded relationship with Terry Trebimonosyllabicsky. 

            “I wonder what Cerise is doing right now,” Jay mused aloud.

            “8pm,” Karine looked at the clock.  “She’s probably on stage, having a totally awesome time.”

            “Word,” agreed Vani.

            “Do you guys miss her?” Karine asked.

            “I dunno,” shrugged Jay.  “Do we?”

            “She’s never around anyway.  Always off canoodling with Muscles  McGee,” shrugged Karl.

            “Totally not true,” Karine disagreed.  “Nine times out of ten if she’s with Terry then they’re here.”

            “Fair enough,” Karl admitted.

            “I think I might miss her, which is weird,” Karine looked around.  “I mean it’s just weird to be the only girl here.”

            “Hey!” Furry Jenn whined.

            “Oh, honey, you don’t count,” Karine said condescendingly.  “Not until you start menstruating.”

            “I got my period when I was twelve!”

            “So it started last week?  Congratulations!”

            “Eurk, bitch,” Furry Jenn grumbled under her breath as Karine sat back, self-satisfied.

            What a weird interaction to witness.  Was that a thing girls did?  Mock each other with like, period related things?  Girls were so weird. 

            “So you actually miss Cerise?” asked Vani with interest.  “I thought you hated all other girls.”

            “Why would you think that?” Karine asked, seemingly offended.

            “Because all chicks wanna be Queen-bee,” Vani said matter-of-factly.

            It was a theory they’d been working on for some time.  First Cerise had joined the game, then Cavity, now Furry Jenn.  And the girls who didn’t play the game tried to infiltrate in other ways but they always tried to draw as much attention to themselves as possible and saw other girls as threats.  Karl argued that Janice was the only true example of this phenomena but Vani insisted all chicks were guilty of Queen-bee syndrome.

            “You’re such a cracktacular little boy,” Karine scoffed.

            “All chicks wanna be the star of the show,” Vani shrugged.

            Karine laughed.  “Hilarious coming from the biggest spotlight hog in the universe!  Sounds like someone just can’t handle sharing the star.”

            “She makes a fair point,” smirked Karl.

            “Please!” Vani huffed.  “She’s just jealous of my rock-hard abs!”  He lifted his shirt to reveal nothing more than skin and bones.  They all laughed as he went on.  “Karine is the perfect example of a chick who is always trying to make everything all about her.  And who vindictively lashes out at anyone who points this out.”

            “Oh my god, Vani, you’re so deluded,” said Karine.  “One of these days, seriously, you’re gonna get a wake up call.”

            “Vindictive by nature,” he grinned and spread his hands, his point made. 

            “Yeah, remind me why I hang out with you losers?”

            She looked seriously annoyed and Jay quietly cursed Vani for making her mad.  Jay didn’t want her to go away.  Lately they’d been getting along great.  The real reason he hadn’t wanted to hang at Cassie’s tonight wasn’t because he hated her family, or because he wanted to game.  He just wanted to hang with Karine. 

            He replied to her question by suggesting she hung out with them for the free candy and then poured a bag of M&Ms into her lap.  She laughed as she tried to catch them and shrieked as many fell to the floor.  They all hollered about the five second rule as they gathered up the fallen chocolate, then tossed the candy into each other’s mouths. 

            Jay actually proved to be fairly skilled at this game and chewed with mouth agape to encourage more throws his way.  Vani tossed an M&M at Karine and it landed in her cleavage.  She shrieked and pulled it out and then ate it.  It was so hot.  Vani threw another one and again, it landed between her boobs.  He was obviously doing it on purpose.  Soon they were all throwing candy down Karine’s shirt as she weakly protested, wiping tears from her eyes she was laughing so hard. 

            “Do me, do me!” Furry Jenn hollered, pulling her tank top open to encourage throws.   

            They all paused and looked at her dubiously and then Karine burst into raucous laughter, waving her hands and trying to say something but unable to get the words out.

            “What’s so funny?”

            They all turned to see Mike Townruinthefunsend standing in the doorway.

            “Oh my god,” Karine wiped her tears.  “You had to be there.”

            She got up and left with Boom-boom, leaving the rest of them to clean up the discarded M&Ms.

            “Yeah, no Queen-beeosity there,” said Vani sarcastically once Karine had gone.

            “I’m not trying to be Queen-bee,” pouted Furry Jenn.

            As Vani rolled his eyes, Karl sighed aggressively and told Jay it was his roll.  Oh right, the game. 

            Terry woke with a start to find Brittany pounding on his chest.  “You felled asleep!” she whined.

            “Oh sorry,” he wiped his eyes.  “Isn’t it sleepy time?”

            He’d been reading her a story on his bed, getting her to make the animal noises.  He supposed he’d nodded off as she’d been doing horse neighs. 

            “No!  No sleepy time!  Stowy time!”

            “I’m pretty sure it’s sleepy time,” he said, rolling over and cuddling up with a pillow, making smacking noises.

            “No, Tewwy!” Brittany hollered, pulling at his hair.  “Stowy time!”

            He made loud snoring noises as she laughed and tugged at his clothes.  “Stowy time!”

            “I bet I can fall asleep faster than you can,” he said.

            She looked at him quizzically, thinking it through.  Was it a challenge?  Was it a trick?  “You always fall sleepy fast.”

            “Yup, I win!”

            “I win!” she hollered.

            “No.  You can’t win this one.  There’s no way you’ll fall asleep faster than me.  You’re not even in your bed!”

            “I fall sleepy fast!”  She rushed to her room and climbed into bed as he followed behind.

            Seriously?  Had this really worked?  She was making snoring noises and kept opening her eyes to make sure he was still there.  “So far you’re winning,” he said.  “But I bet I fall asleep for real before you fall asleep for real.”

            “I win,” she insisted.     

            Ten minutes later she was actually asleep.  He wondered if he’d ever be able to use that trick again. 

           

            Cerise emerged from the bathroom in her stage outfit, which consisted of one of her collared shirts and one of the skirts Simone had stuffed into her luggage.  The rest of the guys still hadn’t returned and Jeff was still changing when she emerged, his naked torso on display.  He didn’t have a bad body, but it wasn’t great either.

            She sat bon the bed and wondered how the sleeping arrangements would work tonight.  They’d stayed in a motel once before, but it had only had one bed, which they’d let her sleep on while they nestled in blankets on the floor.  This room had two queen sized beds.  It would only be fair if she slept on the floor and they took the beds but she didn’t know if they’d be willing to share with each other.  They made gay jokes just as much as any other group of guys she’d ever witnessed but she didn’t think they were truly homophobic

            Jeff pulled his guitar out of its case and began strumming it.  “You should learn to play,” he said a moment later.

            “I don’t think I have any musical talent.”

            “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

            “Fuck off,” she chuckled.

            “Seriously though.”  He sat next to her and handed her the guitar.  “Try it.”

            She held the instrument and he placed her fingers on the strings and frets.  She plucked a string.  “Ow, that kinda hurts.”

            “You can use a pick,” he said.  “Or just be manly and get calluses.”  He held up his hand, showing off his calloused fingers. 

            He positioned himself behind her and helped her strum the guitar.  It was sort of awkward.  It made her think of the time she’d played pool with Terry and he’d stood behind her, hugging her as he helped her make a shot.  Was this an example of the flirting Terry had warned her about?  Was Jeff just doing this to be able to touch her or did he really think she should learn to play guitar?  It was true that she would benefit from music lessons.  Tom was teaching her to read music.  Maybe this was the same. 

            Jeff brushed her hair behind her ear and she flinched. 

            “Sorry,” he said.

            “It’s ok.”

            Before she could figure out what to do next the rest of the guys walked in.  Jeff bounded away from Cerise and she stood up as well.

            “You guys ready?” asked Bernie with a smirk.

            “I am, let’s do this thing,” said Cerise, marching outside.  God, that had been so awkward.

           

            Shauna’s mother practically had an aneurysm she was so proud of Shauna for getting a job.  Her father was more dubious and predicted she wouldn’t be able to keep it for very long.  Her brother Malcolm agreed, saying she only got the job out of charity.  He got smacked in the head for that suggestion.  Malcolm glared at her and she knew he’d find some way to make her pay for that later.

            But soon she wouldn’t even be living here anymore!  She’d be the best bookstore employee ever and she’d get her own apartment and she’d never have to come home again!

            Shauna put on her nicest outfit for her first day on the job.  Or rather, her nicest outfit that involved pants instead of a skirt.  Her legs were still kinda scarred up from her last scratching session.  She had on what her mom called ‘slacks’ and one of those blouses that would get all sweat stained by the end of the day.  But to start the day she’d look good.  She even brushed her hair all nice for the occasion. 

            Afraid of being late, she was half an hour early and Cerise’s mom wasn’t even there yet.  That was fine.  She waited on the curb.  When Ms. Simon arrived she greeted Shauna warmly and let her into the store.  A few minutes later that hippy chick arrived and Ms. Simon introduced her as Trista.  Weird name.  Trista was to be her trainer.

            “Ok, so it’s divided by French and English and then within that it’s fiction and non-fiction.  But any further classification is pretty random.  We basically do it just by remembering where we’ve put stuff.  So it’s something you pretty much have to memorize.”

            “So how do people find stuff they’re looking for?” asked Shauna tentatively.  Was it obvious or was just too stupid to get it?

            “If they want something on a specific topic they basically ask us so that’s why we have to learn where everything is.  You know?”

            “Oh, ok.  But what if they want like one book?  Like they have a name of a book?”

            “Like if they have a specific book?  Yeah, we have our inventory on this excel sheet,” Trista pointed to the computer that somehow served as their cash register.  She would definitely need Trista to explain how the cash worked again.  She totally hadn’t gotten it.

            “And the excel sheet says where the book is?”

            “God, you sound like Cerise.  She was always putting like shelf numbers and stuff into the inventory list but her mom and me don’t bother.  We just go by flow, you know?  You just like, feel where the book is.”

            Shauna didn’t understand that concept at all but didn’t want to sound like an idiot so she just nodded.  “When does Cerise work?” she asked after a moment, trying not to sound too stalkerish. 

            “Oh, she doesn’t work here anymore.  You’re her replacement.”

            “Where’d she go?” Shauna asked in surprise.

            “Ontario or something.”

            “She moved?”

            “No, she’s in like a band or something and they’re touring around and stuff.”

            “Oh.  Really?”  Cerise was in a band?  That was so cool!

            “Yeah,” nodded Trista.  “So do you want me to read your palm?”

            Shauna really had no response to that.

            Karine changed into normal clothes in the back room and then waited outside the ice cream shop until Brown left the bakery.  When he’d gone she walked across the street and greeted Terry.

            “Hey,” he replied.

            “So you gonna come tonight?”

            “I come every night,” he smiled wickedly.  “Why, you offering to help?” He lunged his crotched at her and grunted.

            “Sex! Pew pew!” Vani shouted from the kitchen.

            Karine rolled her eyes.  “But seriously.”

            “What’s tonight?” Terry asked, blinking.

            “Hawaiian night at the yacht club.  “We promised Sarah and Jay and Karl we wouldn’t leave them hanging.”

            “Meh, screw Jay and Karl.  Sarah too, but in a different way,” he grinned.

            “Oh shut up,” Karine laughed.  “So you coming or what?”

            “If you don’t mind waiting I can give you a lift, but I have to watch Britt tonight.”

            “What, again?”

            “Vicky’s dating some dude.  Total douche.”

            “So that means you can’t have a social life anymore?”

            “Guess not,” Terry sighed.

            Karine regarded him for a moment.  “You look tired.”  He hadn’t shaved in a couple of days and the scruff actually looked pretty good on him but he also had dark circles under his eyes.

            “Yeah, I dunno.”

            “I can ditch out on the yacht club and hang with you.”

            “It’s ok.  If you’re there it’ll just give Britt an excuse to act out.  Go out, have fun.  Let me live vicariously through you,” he chuckled weakly.

            “God, you almost sound depressed.”

            “No, I guess I’m just sick of all this shit,” he waved his arms around.  “Brown is such a dick, I actually find myself looking forward to school starting up again.  But if it’s hard handling Britt now… I mean she wakes up so fucking early, and I have to take her to daycare.  And then the fucking drive here, which takes forever.  When school and hockey start how will I have time to take care of her?”

            “Shouldn’t Vicky be taking care of her?”

            He shrugged and shook his head.

            “She’s totally taking advantage of you,” Karine grumbled.  “You should’t have moved in with her.  You know you can still live with me!”

            “It’s good for Britt for me to be there.”

            “But what about what’s good for you?” asked Karine.

            “Hey, as long as I get a quick handy now and then, it’s all good!”

            Vani came scampering out of the kitchen and stood in front of Terry, stroking a massive, imaginary cock as Terry leaned back and thrust out his groin.

            “Seriously?” Karine scoffed.  “I really need to stop hanging out with you guys.” 

Season 3 – Episode 1 – Act I

            It had been a full hour since Shauna had come to Bearepaire village but she would not leave until she worked up the courage to step into Cerise’s mother’s bookstore.  She’d almost gone in once but a customer had walked out at the same time that she was going in and it had freaked her out so much she went back to her post behind the mailbox.  Cerise was nowhere to be seen; it must be her day off.  Her mom was inside along with a hipster girl.  She could handle talking to two people, one of whom she already knew.  This was no big deal.  She could do it. 

            “Hey Van?” said Terry, looking outside the window of the bakery.

            “Yeah?” replied Vani.

            “Isn’t that Cerise’s stalker?”  The girl looked different than she used to, with shorter hair and better clothes, but Terry was still pretty sure it was her.

            Vani joined Terry and peered outside.  “Porta-potty chick?  Indeed ‘tis her.  She’s had a makeover I see.  I think I preferred her hair long and lank, the better to trap grease, don’t cha know?  Quite an ineffective stalker, to stalk someone who isn’t even on the premises.  But maybe she’s such a high-level stalker that she stalks all areas where her prey has left an imprint.  Admirable work in its own way, you must admit.”

            “But seriously, what is she doing here?” asked Terry in irritation.  “Is she watching the bookstore?  What the fuck?”

“Oh shit, she’s going in!” exclaimed Vani as the stalker squared her shoulders and marched across the street.

“Shauna, what a surprise,” said Cerise’s mom when she walked in.

Shauna’s heart was beating so loudly she was sure they’d be able to hear it but the hipster just smiled and kept doing whatever book crap she was doing.  Mrs. Laframboise… or Ms. Simon or whatever stood behind the cash, staring at Shauna.  She asked her how she was and Shauna said fine, returning the question.  Cerise’s mom was also fine.

“I um, I noticed you have a help wanted sign in the window.”

“Yes,” Ms. Simon nodded.

“Could I have an application?”  Shauna tried to smile and worried that it came across like a sneer.

“Do you have a CV?”

Shauna reluctantly handed over her crappy CV, hoping Cerise’s mom wouldn’t see through the lies or find any typos.  Ms. Simon thanked her and glanced at the piece of paper then back at Shauna. 

“Well, um, thanks.”  Shauna rushed out of the store and then walked away as fast as she could.  A bus drove by but she ignored it.  It would take her about half an hour to get home on foot and she’d need at least that much time to calm down.

“Well she’s gone now,” shrugged Vani.

“Let me know if you ever see her sniffing around here again,” said Terry as he watched the stalker run down the street.  He wondered if he should tell Cerise about this.  He didn’t want to worry her unnecessarily, especially since she was having such a good time on her road trip.  But then again, it was a good excuse to call her.  They talked every day but Terry still felt like it wasn’t enough.  He missed her even more than he’d thought he would and was desperate for her to come home, if only so he could stop being so horny.

Terry was always horny anyway but when Cerise was around he knew he could take care of business regularly.  Even on days when they couldn’t find any private time, he didn’t stress because he knew he wouldn’t have to wait too long to get laid.  But with her gone he was dying.  Literally dying!  Ok, not literally, but pretty darn close.  Jerking off three times a day was only doing so much to keep him calm.  He needed sex so badly it was seriously starting to hamper his life.  He constantly felt jittery and agitated and was starting to snap at people for no reason.  Every time a girl walked into the bakery he got hard, even if she wasn’t hot!  Hell, even Janice was starting to look good.  He knew he’d be able to hook up with her and maybe just a blowjob wouldn’t be considered cheating.  Nothing with Janice could be considered cheating, could it?  ‘Cause she was such a slut that it barely even counted.  And if he didn’t do anything back, if he just stood there and let her suck him off, well it was basically the same thing as jerking off, wasn’t it?  Wasn’t it?!

Oh god, he was just like his father: making nonsensical justifications for infidelity.  He was seriously going to die if Cerise didn’t come home soon.  And she’d only been gone a week!

Lloyd drove them to their next gig as Bernie read a review from one of those free papers in Toronto.  “A good show, blah, blah, blah, high energy, blah, blah, charming female lead singer, um clever lyrics, blah, blah, ooh, talented drummer!”

“I’m charming,” beamed Cerise.

“I’m talented,” cheered Bernie.

Jeff ripped the paper out of Bernie’s hand and read it quickly.  “The rest of us aren’t even mentioned.  It’s like we don’t exist.”

“Better than saying we suck,” shrugged Tom.

“I’m talented,” repeated Bernie.

“I’m charming,” smiled Cerise.

“Shut up,” glowered Jeff, picking up a different free newspaper.  “This one was better.  Even though it says we’re unpolished it at least mentions all of us.”

“But it was so short it barely existed,” said Tom.  “It was just like, good show, blah, that’s it.”

“Better than bad show, blah, that’s it,” countered Jeff.

“The only bad review has been from that one fucking blogger from that stupid con and like no one even reads his blog so who gives a shit?,” said Lloyd.

“Tons of people read it!” insisted Jeff. 

Bernie scoffed.  “The only people who read it are like way into the Klingon scene, which at this point is just like my grandpa and a couple die-hard Michael Dorn fans.  I seriously don’t think it matters.”

“Seriously,” nodded Tom.  “This trip is going fucking awesome.”

“Except now I know why we don’t live in Toronto.  Are they fucking serious with this traffic?” asked Lloyd.  “Someone else drive, I’m seriously about to kill myself.”

They were stopped dead so it was easy for Cerise to swap sweats with Lloyd.  It was a van that originally could seat seven but the bench at the back had been removed to accommodate all their gear.  Since there were now only four seats someone always had to sit on the floor in the back, squeezed in with all their junk.  Today Cerise was back there so she quickly called dibs when Lloyd asked for someone else to drive.  She crawled to the front and did a little dance with him as she took the driver’s seat. 

The guys argued back and forth about what to have for dinner that night, which was ridiculous since they ended up having pizza 90% of the time anyway but whatever, Cerise was having too much fun to care.

Karine walked into the bakery only to have Terry leave a second later.  He was apparently going to hang out with Cerise’s family, which was totally weird since Cerise wasn’t going to be there.  Had he really become so obsessed with Cherry angel that he was entrenched with her family now?  Freak.

Oh well, Karine supposed she’d hang out anyway.  Mike was meeting her here and until then she could hang with the guys.  Jay and Karl arrived and they all swapped stories about shitty customers.  It was good times.

“I think it’s a bad idea,” said Terry with finality. 

“Me too,” nodded Simone.  “It’s a bad call Ripley, a bad call!”

Cerise’s canned laughter came through the computer speakers.  She was sitting in a hotel room and it was kind of hard to hear her with those Parisses Squares dudes making noise in the background.  Terry wanted to yell at them to shut up but thought Cerise’s mom might find that rude.

Terry sat with Angela and Simone in their den, which was somewhat nostalgic for him, as it reminded him of the brief period when he’d stayed with the Laframboise’s.  That had been fun.  Way more convenient than living in NDG.  These days he had to fight traffic every day and it was seriously starting to wear on him.  He didn’t understand why so many people lived so far away from their jobs and endured long commutes every day.  He was supposedly in the prime of his life; young and energetic and yet he couldn’t stand it.  Maybe he should ask to move back in here while Cerise was gone.  There was an empty bedroom upstairs and they could probably use his help with… lawn mowing or something.  Would it be totally weird to ask?

“So, what do you think, Cerise?” asked Angela, raising her voice to be heard over the cacophony on the other end, which wasn’t necessary since Cerise was wearing ear buds. 

“I dunno.  I actually think maybe it would be good for her.  Well, I mean it would for sure be good for her.  It would be a nice thing for you to do.”

“But she’s your stalker!” protested Terry.

“She’s not my stalker.  She’s just lonely and has a shitty family.  Maybe it would help her be more normal if she got a job.”

“But that’s just the point, isn’t it?” said Simone.  “Shauna’s not normal.  Forget about all the stalker crap.  Is she qualified to work at mom’s bookstore?”

“She most certainly isn’t,” said Angela.  “Not in the slightest.”

“But neither was I until I started working there.  Neither was Trista,” countered Cerise.

“What’s a Trista?” asked Bernie, looming over Cerise and leaning down, his face hovering in front of her screen.

Cerise swatted him away as the other guys laughed.  “Would you guys just fucking go?  I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

“Oooh, I love you so much Terry!” said Lloyd in a sing-song voice.

“I’m talking to my family!” snapped Cerise. 

They were in a Holiday Inn, a hotel above their pay grade but they’d decided to splurge to celebrate their recent successes.  Cerise even went ahead and paid for wi-fi access but was beginning to regret it if the guys were going to be annoying the entire night.  Hadn’t they said they were going out to dinner?

            “So we eating or what?” asked Tom.

            “How many times you gonna keep being nice to this girl?  She’s a freak!” insisted Terry.

            “Yep, let’s motor,” confirmed Bernie.

            “She’s not a freak!” said Cerise.  “You’re so mean.  A few years ago I was just like her.”

            “No you weren’t,” countered Terry.

            “Just like who?” asked Jeff.

            “Come on, let’s go.  You coming Cerise?” asked Lloyd. 

            “Sure she was,” snickered Simone.

            “Hello, Cerise?”  Bernie plucked an ear bud out of Cerise’s ear and whispered loudly.  “Are you coming to dinner?!”

            Cerise slapped Bernie on the arm and took back the ear bud.  “No, I gotta talk to my family.  It’s important.  You guys go ahead.”

            “Aren’t you hungry?” asked Tom.

            “I’ll get something later.”

            “We have a show later.”

“Then I’ll get some fries at the bar or whatever.  Just… I need to talk to my family now, ok?”

“Ok, I’ll bring you back a slice,” replied Tom.  “You coming, Jeff?”

“Uh, I’m not really hungry yet… I’ll get something at the bar too.”

            “Yeah,” snorted Bernie. “Could you be more obvious about it?”

            Finally Cerise was alone and the noise died down.  Terry was grateful for Simone’s presence because she kept saying things he wanted to, but in a more eloquent way. 

            “Kick her to the curb.  She’s a total whack-job.  Point final.”  Ok, maybe not all that eloquent.

            “I agree she’s a little odd,” nodded Angela.  “But I do feel badly for her.  I’ve always found her parents to be somehow off.  And their house is too clean.  It’s unnatural.”

            “Seriously?” asked Cerise.  “You’re not gonna hire her ‘cause her house is too clean?”

            “No, I’m saying we should give her a chance because her mother is obviously OCD.  It can’t have been easy growing up in that house,” said Cerise’s mom.

            “Oh yeah, well I agree,” said Cerise, nodding.  “Her parents are more than just OCD.  They’re like totally evil.  She’s totally scared of them.”

            “So?  Everyone hates their parents,” scoffed Terry.  “That doesn’t mean you hang out in porta potties or run away and… ok, bad example.”  Cerise looked at him wryly through the screen.  “It’s totally different with me.  When I ran away I… well I mean I didn’t come here and… well I didn’t just hang out on the porch!  Simone, a little help?”

            Simone snickered.  “Yeah, it is different.  Well it’s a matter of consent, right?  You came to Cerise with your problem because she’s your friend.  Shauna came to Cerise because she’s a mental case.”

            “No, it’s exactly the same,” countered Cerise.  “Shauna and I were friends.  It was my own meanitude to ditch her.  I can’t be pissed because she tries to continue the friendship.”

            “Of course you can be pissed!” insisted Terry.  “When you dump someone they’re supposed to stay away!”

            “Yeah, like you stayed away when Cerise dumped you,” said Simone with a smirk.

            Terry made an irritated noise but he couldn’t defend himself any longer.  They were right, he was no better than Porta-potty chick.  He was totally a Cerise stalker just as much as this Shauna girl.  And yet Cerise kept taking him back and kept giving stalker girl second chances.  She was such a good person; so unselfish.  He had to be grateful for that and he couldn’t really expect Cerise to have one set of rules for him and another for everyone else.

            “Ok well,” Terry sighed.  “If you hire this girl, just be careful I guess.  I’ll be right across the street.  So if she does anything weird, just call me and I’ll be right over.”

            “What are you, Chuck Norris?” snickered Simone.

            “I think we’ll be fine, Terry, but thank you,” said Angela, patting him on the arm. 

            God, why were they being so condescending!  It’s like nobody realized how dangerous this girl could possibly be!  Would they all be so chill if it was a dude?  Just because stalker girl was a chick didn’t mean she was harmless.  As he tried to think of an intelligent way to make this point Angela went on to say how she’d hire Shauna just for the summer so even if it went badly, it’s not like she was making a long-term commitment. 

            Terry sighed and resigned himself to the situation.  They all said goodbye to Cerise and Terry headed home as he’d promised to take care of Britt that night.  He sure hoped these Raspberries knew what they were doing.

Season 3 – Episode 1 – Prologue

          


  “Fire at Will, shoot to kill.  Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good.  He’s the best poker player in the neighbourhood.  Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good.  He’s the best poker player in the neighbourhood.  But that’s his only skill.  Hence fire at Will.”

            They were in another little bar and the crowd was thin but growing by the minute.  Whenever someone looked at Cerise she smiled at them, trying to draw them in.  Trying to get them to stop talking to each other and start paying attention to the music.  It worked half the time, which was pretty cool.  The place they’d played in yesterday had an actual stage with lights so bright she couldn’t even see the audience.  At first she’d thought that was good because she assumed it would make her less nervous but the opposite turned out to be true.  It was good to be able to see the crowd and connect to them.  To really play to them and play off them.  This crowd was getting good, even though they were an older crowd.  Actually, Cerise found that they consistently got better reactions from the older crowds.  The thirtysomethings.  They were old enough to get the Star Trek references.  Some were laughing and nudging each other, obviously paying attention to the lyrics.  It was awesome. 

            Everything about this was awesome.  Performing live, hanging out with a band, being in a band!  It was hard work, exhausting really.  Not just the performances but the travel.  Sometimes they got motel rooms but just as often they’d drive all night, taking turns driving and sleeping sporadically.  Sometimes they’d go days without showering and the van reeked of b.o. and fast food.  But it was fun.  Probably the most fun Cerise had ever had in her life.